Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:19:20 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Your final "farewell/kiss off" message?  (Read 647 times)
In_n_Out
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 250



« on: January 18, 2014, 08:37:57 AM »

If/when my exuBPDgf comes calling again (text or phone), this is what I'm going to say to her.  I'm going to print it out and laminate it and put it in my wallet because it may sit there for days, months or years but I know that someday I will need to pull it out and recite from it:

--------------

I'm sorry Xxxxxx, but this door is closed.  You began to close the door when you kicked me out of the bedroom for the last time and then you kicked me out of the home that we had and finally you kicked me out of the relationship when you ran to someone else and stopped talking to me.  I have since closed the door for good.

So no, you can go try and recycle with another ex-bf but let me give you one suggestion first; research Borderline Personality Disorder and see if the traits associated with it seem to fit a pattern in your life.  If so, and you want to have the happiness and a true relationship that you've been seeking for all of these years, then find a therapist that works with BPD clients and get the help that you need.

Goodbye.

--------------

Does anybody else have that "farewell, kiss off" statement prepared for when they come calling again?  And if you have them completely blocked and know that you'll never have to say that last farewell, then good for you; I wish that I were that strong!  Make one up that would say "if"... .
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2014, 08:40:37 AM »

Besides tearing her a new one? Please return my f¥cking stuff.
Logged
In_n_Out
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 250



« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2014, 11:32:13 AM »

Besides tearing her a new one? Please return my f¥cking stuff.

Short and to the point; much more concise than mine.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
arn131arn
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 826



WWW
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2014, 02:46:34 PM »

Mine was not to her bc I was in NC; but it was delivered via her dad since I have been in contact with him because of child custody:

"I don't think you understood me 3 weeks ago when I told you I don't give a s**t about.---.  I don't care who she's with, where's she's at, what she's doing, and in what position she's doing it in... . "
Logged
CoasterRider
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 161


« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2014, 03:37:51 PM »

I know we all have been hurt but no need to be insensitive. This is a mental illness after all. Really its not their fault they act the way they do. They are just a much victims as we are difference is its not our illness and we can see it for what it is and get it as far away from our lives as possible. That's not an option for them, and thus our pain and frustration with it. The disorder seems to be like a trojan horse, they accept it as a means to help and protect themselves, not knowing what devastation awaits.

Be kind, be patience, be compassionate, prove you are a in fact the more emotionally strong and confident adult.

Logged

santa
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 725


« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2014, 03:42:24 PM »

I told her that I strongly, strongly, strongly suggest that she learn about borderline personality disorder. I told her that I think she has it.

I also told her that I'd already given her too long to change her mind about staying together and that isn't an option for her now and then I told her I had to turn my back to her because that's the Law of the Jungle.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Moonie75
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 867



« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2014, 03:46:04 PM »

I told her that I strongly, strongly, strongly suggest that she learn about borderline personality disorder. I told her that I think she has it.

I also told her that I'd already given her too long to change her mind about staying together and that isn't an option for her now and then I told her I had to turn my back to her because that's the Law of the Jungle.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

How did she react to that?

I'm guessing that went down like a $hit sandwich?

Logged
santa
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 725


« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2014, 03:51:50 PM »

I told her that I strongly, strongly, strongly suggest that she learn about borderline personality disorder. I told her that I think she has it.

I also told her that I'd already given her too long to change her mind about staying together and that isn't an option for her now and then I told her I had to turn my back to her because that's the Law of the Jungle.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

How did she react to that?

I'm guessing that went down like a $hit sandwich?

LOL

I don't know what her reaction was. I have about 5 emails from her that I haven't read. I'm sure she had plenty to say about it.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I told her I don't care anymore.
Logged
Mazda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 136


« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2014, 03:57:47 PM »

I know we all have been hurt but no need to be insensitive. This is a mental illness after all. Really its not their fault they act the way they do. They are just a much victims as we are difference is its not our illness and we can see it for what it is and get it as far away from our lives as possible. That's not an option for them, and thus our pain and frustration with it. The disorder seems to be like a trojan horse, they accept it as a means to help and protect themselves, not knowing what devastation awaits.

Be kind, be patience, be compassionate, prove you are a in fact the more emotionally strong and confident adult.

Bless you coasterRider, for you are quite oblivious, no offense.  As a sufferer of a mental illness (bipolar), when I realised I had a problem, I immediately got help, took 3 years off from relationships and made sure I was healthy emotionally and mentally before I started dating again.  It is my RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that other people do not suffer because of my issues.  Feel compassion for me.  Sometimes I fail, I relapse, I get triggered in relationships and I act out.  (Although towards the end of my

Relationship with uexBPD fiancé voldemort it became more common).  Then I take my issues to my therapist, dissect what happened, why it happened, and find and implement other coping strategies should I find myself feeling that way again.  Because again, that's my RESPONSIBILITY.  It makes me a better person than those BPD people who have an inkling or are flat out TOLD they have a problem and do nothing about it due to selfish reasons.  It's easier to ignore your problems and self soothe by finding the next victim to suck on.  Thy show no care or concern for what they do to the people they are involved with.  Why feel compassion for people who, essentially, go around using people in the most heinous way?  I only have respect or compassion for BPDs who take time out and get proper help before moving on.  Basically, one in a million. We already ARE better human beings because we actually feel pain right now.  We haven't gone out to find a rebound relationship and forgotten these people ever existed.
Logged
CoasterRider
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 161


« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2014, 04:03:43 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Mazda, LOL Im still new to figuring all this out and folding it into my understanding. That was just my take on it. My ex like most has been told by friends, family and co-workers what their problems are in a much more fragmented way not just summing it up to BPD. You are right he just ignores it and does what he wants anyway. But, forgive me if my understanding is wrong. Isnt that part of the disorder? the selfishness, the denial, the defensiveness?

It sounds like you got help because you yourself had, had enough of your own behavior and were willing to see how it got you what you were getting.

Doesnt this disorder really prevent ones ability to realize though, in a logical way, they are only responsible for their behavior?

IDK Im trying my best to not be hateful and vindictive. If I do, I'll be no better than him. Trying to take the high ground here! 
Logged

findingmyselfagain
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 941


« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2014, 04:04:10 PM »

I tried to hint to mine that she had BPD in one of my final letters, even admitting that I joined a support group for BPD. I'm not sure if it ever stuck or not. It's not too unlikely that she just dismissed it as not applying to her. She claims she suffers from depression and anxiety.

It's been a few years, and I am angry occasionally. But I've noticed lately I don't feel like I "miss" her any more. I don't have that emotional attachment. It's very freeing. It's taken me a very long time (try 3+ years). My sympathy used to be one of my hooks. I used to feel a need to comfort her, or to be her knight. That was my draw. I think I've finally reached that point of radical acceptance. I was simply trying to have a relationship with someone who is horrible at relationships. I was naive, and love was blind.

Fast forward to the present and "peace" and a "boring" partner is what I'm looking for. Low-maintenance, low drama. If my ex contacted me, I don't think I'd feel anything. I'd probably just ignore her and feel ok with it, knowing she is how she is. It's probably the best thing to do.

Logged
Mazda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 136


« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2014, 04:43:02 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Mazda, LOL Im still new to figuring all this out and folding it into my understanding. That was just my take on it. My ex like most has been told by friends, family and co-workers what their problems are in a much more fragmented way not just summing it up to BPD. You are right he just ignores it and does what he wants anyway. But, forgive me if my understanding is wrong. Isnt that part of the disorder? the selfishness, the denial, the defensiveness?

It sounds like you got help because you yourself had, had enough of your own behavior and were willing to see how it got you what you were getting.

Doesnt this disorder really prevent ones ability to realize though, in a logical way, they are only responsible for their behavior?

IDK Im trying my best to not be hateful and vindictive. If I do, I'll be no better than him. Trying to take the high ground here! 

I'm further along the road than you are... . hence my approach is not one of compassion.  It is a hook, as mentioned above, that keeps you vulnerable to them and stuck in a place of compassion.  I was stuck there for a very long time, trying to take the moral high road and convince him to get help.  Every time, I would open myself up to be manipulated and hurt more, and he was predictable in that he took that opportunity every time he could.  For me, the final straw was him calling me up on what would have been our wedding say to tell me that he was seeing someone else who he had shown my emails to so they could "see what he did to me" (read show selected emails that gained him sympathy and made him look like the regretful victim).  As my psychiatrist and therapist said, he is dangerous.

As are the majority of BPDers.  He succeeded in convincing my replacement that he was sorry (even though he told me things after this like I don't care if you die) and now they are married.   Within 4 months of when he was supposed to marry me.  That is a sick person right there buddy.  A person with no remorse and complete disregard for the damage they do to others.  He will abuse this girl too and now she is married, she will either have to be stuck in an abusive marriage or have the stigma of divorce in my community with her.

That's pure selfishness.

My desire to get help was nothing to do with my pain.  I had suffered for years.  It was when I realised that I struggled to behave in an acceptable manner towards those that loved me and couldn't control it that I got help.  Depression, I could live with.  Mania, I love.  I am not trying to take the moral high ground here.  I have had group therapy and come across many other people who have mental illnesses.  The majority of them are being treated due to a similar concern for others or because others were concerned for them.  I don't know about you, but I went to extreme lengths to convince my ex to get help and nothing changed his stance.  You cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves.

Radical acceptance for sure.  Realizing that they are manipulators, liars, deceivers and remorseless people is the way to go.  Because it is the truth.  Yes, the illness does make them that way.  But compassion should be shown to people who are trying to get help.

The others, well, you're probably being manipulated into thinking they are the victims.

Oh, and about self awareness.  Take it from someone with a mental illness, you know something is wrong.  I figured it out when I was 18. 
Logged
CoasterRider
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 161


« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2014, 05:08:28 PM »

I hear all your stories and how down right ridiculous your ex's behaved. Which makes me wonder whether my ex really suffers from BPD. He meets the profile but none of what he really did seem to come of predatory or conscious as it seem most of the behavior yall endured was. Or maybe Im just telling myself that to remember him in a better light. I wouldnt say he was "vindictive" more just trying to protect himself in a very delusional and selfish way.
Logged

Moonie75
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 867



« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2014, 05:12:28 PM »

That still sounds like enough to be unhealthy for you & good enough reason to run away!

Logged
Mazda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 136


« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2014, 05:36:18 PM »

hear all your stories and how down right ridiculous your ex's behaved. Which makes me , whether my ex really suffers from BPD. He meets the profile but none of what he d did seem to come of predatory or conscious as it seem most of the behavior yall  was. Or maybe Im just telling myself that to remember him in a better light. I wouldnt say he was "vindictive" more just trying to protect himself in a very delusional and selfish way.

Coaster, it took me a long time to come out of the FOG and many AHA moments before I realised that he was manipulating and abusing me.  Like I said, he was he victim.  The more you learn, the more you understand what happened.  Your ex could have been a waif or a high functioning, like mine was.  He was so good at what he did that with all my brains, I couldn't see what was going on, which everyone around me could see.  If the criteria are met, it's more than likely.
Logged
love4meNOTu
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 529


« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2014, 06:08:52 PM »

My final kiss off message huh?

Well I actually did do this.

He rang the doorbell when he had finished moving all his stuff out, guess he locked himself out. I was upstairs. I shouted from the upstairs window, and I have no idea what he wanted, probably just to have some sort of parting shot, he would have loved to do that.

I said:

"Just leave and don't come back!"

And that was all she wrote.
Logged

In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
coastalfog1
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 59



« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2014, 11:17:37 PM »

My final message-

I hate you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I hate you’re the last thing I think of before I go to bed.

I hate you never cared for me the same way I cared for you.

I hate I gave up my dreams for something that was never real.

I hate you lied to me every day.

I hate you moved on and I’m stuck in this horrible place missing you.

I hate myself for believing you.

I hate I’m so weak.

Now please get the h@ll out of my head, you’re not real and never were.

I hate I met you.

I hate you.

Logged
TheDude
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 227


« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2014, 12:27:50 AM »

I believe silence is the loudest message of all.
Logged
In_n_Out
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 250



« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2014, 02:23:38 AM »

And just as I predicted... .

Found out earlier today that my exuBPDgf and my replacement split.  I didn't hear how or why (as if?) but I knew it would be coming.  After a couple of weeks of NC from her, I got the following message via facebook (though not a friend, she's not blocked, the one way that she could contact me) about an hour ago:

Excerpt
Our girl, Miss Morris (our cat), is all better and happy again.  I've written and rewritten a long email to you a dozen times... . just can't seem to send it yet.  You appear to be on a good path... . for you.  That makes me happy.  Stay on it.  I believe in you.  Always.

I'm just going to stay NC and then if she persists (she will), I'll spring my "farewell" message and then block her on fb.  I've already emotionally detached and was stuck in the "only I can help her phase" until very recently but reading further in the "Eggshells" book made me realize that I can't help her.  I know that my farewell will only piss her off (fine) but *maybe* she'll explore the message a bit (doubtful).  At the very least, I'll know that I know that I tried to do what I could and that I sent the word to her about ways to "fix" her (though she won't act upon it most likely).  I know, I know, the *smart* thing to do would be to just block her on fb now and never respond at all... .
Logged
bewildered2
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Went NC in June 2006
Posts: 2996


2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2014, 06:09:54 AM »

of course we are all free to say and do as we feel, and no doubt everybody here has been treated horribly by a loved one, and so anger and bitterness and a desire to hurt similarly is natural... .

but, maybe the way that a bigger woman or man might behave is to understand and then use that understanding in a constructive fashion? and that could be to be polite to your ex-BPD when he/she turns up, but not to engage beyond a polite and friendly conversation. the conversation could be about the weather?

remember that when they turn up they are taking your pulse to see if you are still on the line, to see if they can use you to feel better, or not.

and as others here have said, they have a problem.

the books say that your typical borderline feeds off the drama, whatever form it takes. so they are equally likely to enjoy a blast of negativity and anger from you as they are some niceness.

keeping it polite and cordial, and sending them on their way with a smile might say two things, that you really are over them, and that they are wasting their time with you because you really are done.

just a thought... .

i suppose that religion would suggest the same thing... . turn the other cheek... . show forgiveness and kindness... . not easy to do... . but then look at the example nelson mandela set for us!

b2     
Logged

In_n_Out
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 250



« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2014, 09:09:02 AM »

i suppose that religion would suggest the same thing... . turn the other cheek... . show forgiveness and kindness... . not easy to do... . but then look at the example nelson mandela set for us!

b2     

So I was thinking on my situation last night and I don't really see a "best answer" category:

1. I send a polite "I'm glad that the cat is doing ok, thanks for the update" and leave it at that.  What does she think?  He's being "curt" with me.  

2. I send something with more substance that is polite and she thinks that she has me nibbling at the hook again. Frankly, any response and she's going to sense the fish is nibbling.

3. I send NO response and block her she either gets the hint and moves on to another previous victim or she gets more aggressive in her attempts to reach me (driving by the house perhaps).  I know that it has no relevance, but I stuck with this girl nearly 3x longer than any other guy ever did.  

4. I send the "farewell" message and she either explodes and runs to someone else and I never see her again or she it "clicks" and she now at least has a name to put to what is going on with her (yes, she knows that something isn't quite right "I'm difficult"/"I don't know why I... . ".

Right now, I'm just going to remain NC and see if she persists.  She may/probably has someone else that she's working on and that will take up her attention.

I do still love the woman.  I don't hate her.  I'm sorry that she has this disorder.  Yes, I'd love to see her get healthy and happy.  No, I can't do that for her though I did seek and find a therapist that is right around the corner that deals with BPD's.  And no, I don't believe that we could ever be a couple again; it would take a lot of therapy, a lot of work on our communication, a lot of acceptance of her and my behavior... . it would just take a lot of stuff and I'm already moving on.  Big date next Saturday with someone and I'm looking forward to it.  

Actually, I just happened across this post on another forum and this sounds like my exBPDgf could of written it herself; down to her dad that f******d up her life:

www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/66277-can-someone-with-BPD-ever-get-over-a-devastating-breakup/#entry685827

Maybe I'll just send a link to that post (I'll TINYURL it first to hide the "crazyboards/BPD" in the URL) along with the name and contact info of the therapist here in town and say no more.  THAT may be my farewell message.  That poster said it better than I ever could and maybe my ex will say to herself "wow, I could of written that.  What is this all about?".  I'm kidding myself I'm sure but I like the idea at this moment.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2014, 10:25:22 AM »

My final farewell message... . excuse me. Do I know you?
Logged
Aurora8

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2014, 05:50:31 PM »

I just posted a new thread with this in it but my final was a Facebook message after he admitted to lies

"You sound proud of yourself... 'Master Manipulator' this was all a joke or game to you? I AM A FOOL. But I will forget you. In fact, I just took a dump, named it after you, and flushed it away. You are pathetic"

Logged
In_n_Out
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 250



« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2014, 06:57:42 PM »

Well I got the follow up email after her midnight facebook message last night.  Literally hours after her breakup she's trying to recycle.  Her email was filled with mixed "I remember this (good time) and lot's of you doing that (bad me)".  She took no personal responsibility, didn't once say "I could of done this better".  She pulled out all the stops.  For example, I love baseball.  She mentions us going to some baseball games like it was the time of her life (she hates sports- the biggest red flag of them all right there!).  She ended the email with a flowery mix of "Always... . " and "I'm going to go heal now and I hope that you will too" type of crap.

So, sent my farewell.  I actually sent a polite (to me) email accusing her of nothing; not trying to recycle or any other obvious BPD trick in the book.  Instead I copied and pasted that text that I linked to up thread and said that if any of that sounds familiar in her pattern of life, then please look in to seeing Dr. Xxxxxxx here in town.  I did mention BPD by name and basically said that the "gig is up" but I can't make a diagnosis, just go see the doctor if you want to stop this pattern of relationships that she's always been in.  She's gone immediate NC with me again, as I expected.

So, now that she knows that I know, I expect that I won't hear from her again.  I'll just have to hope that she actually does something about it but more likely she's already working on a recycle with the ex before me.  I wouldn't fall back in to that mess if you paid me.  Seriously. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!