Has anyone else had unusually long periods of calmness?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My fiancee is behaving very well the last 4 weeks.

We had been apart for 6 months (she lives abroad) and after those 6 months of abuse, accusations and being painted black, I decided enough was enough.

I had a trip planned to spend 2 weeks with her over Christmas and by the time I was going had made up my mind to break up.

When I got there, she sensed I was going to finish and we did... . for a few days.

She then begged me to give her another chance and said she would change... . her new year's resolution.

And I must admit, since I have returned home she has been so much better.

It has not been perfect, a few blips, and she still needs to know what I am doing every minute of the day but the arguments out of nowhere have stopped mostly.

I did tell her that I would go with her once my current contract had finished up or at worst she would come to spend a few months with me.

So, she might be behaving herself for that reason.

I really am enjoying the peace of it all but there is a nagging feeling in m my mind that she will never be able to sustain it.

To define my situation more clearly, we are lucky to get through 3 days without her challenging me about something, evenutally leading to a blow up.

In 2 years, before now, the longest she lasted was 10 days.

Has anyone else been in this position where there has been weeks of calmness only for it to eventally return to the the chaos?

Am I being duped here?

[popeye6031]

My fiancee is behaving very well the last 4 weeks.

We had been apart for 6 months (she lives abroad) and after those 6 months of abuse, accusations and being painted black, I decided enough was enough.

I had a trip planned to spend 2 weeks with her over Christmas and by the time I was going had made up my mind to break up.

When I got there, she sensed I was going to finish and we did... . for a few days.

She then begged me to give her another chance and said she would change... . her new year's resolution.

And I must admit, since I have returned home she has been so much better.

It has not been perfect, a few blips, and she still needs to know what I am doing every minute of the day but the arguments out of nowhere have stopped mostly.

I did tell her that I would go with her once my current contract had finished up or at worst she would come to spend a few months with me.

So, she might be behaving herself for that reason.

I really am enjoying the peace of it all but there is a nagging feeling in m my mind that she will never be able to sustain it.

To define my situation more clearly, we are lucky to get through 3 days without her challenging me about something, evenutally leading to a blow up.

In 2 years, before now, the longest she lasted was 10 days.

Has anyone else been in this position where there has been weeks of calmness only for it to eventally return to the the chaos?

Am I being duped here?

[Changingman]

That's the whole point

Push/pull

The more you love them the more they hate you

The more you want to leave the more they need you

Nothing to do with you at all. Just playing out some childhood issues inside them.

4 years of this dynamic, periods of peace ( neediness ) then periods of intense friction. Pull push pull push pull push.

The better we did the worst the consequences, the worst we did ... . oh god whatever.

This messes up your emotions so much, always expecting something to happen. Secrets and lies, never really getting anywhere. Each day a test of what the world is for them. So easily discarded, no history to feelings or you or the RS. You let them down daily/weekly/monthly/yearly.

Never enough, and it's not about you.

You stopped trying, we haven't really been together for a year, on and on.

The whole RS has that 'on the brink' sensation.

I started to look at engagement rings because of her 'hinting' about marriage then I felt something had happened, shaming or betrayal of feelings. Boom she started an affair, or was having affairs I have no idea.

Periods of calm lasting 3 days?

Lord the FOG gets thick.

Good luck,

[Seneca]

when threatened with the end being imminent, they can suddenly pull off herculean bouts of normalcy and balance. it's amazing really. you couldn't cope at all with life or anything - whatever i said, did, felt, thought, breathed was wrong or bad or triggering you. now you are the most attentive, patient, selfless, loving person. it is a effing miracle! but it's not. it's just BPD.

when he is unmedicated, calm could last anywhere from a few hours on the low end, to about a week and a half on the high end. medicated, i can get a few weeks out of him, but the valleys are diminished and the behavior, while not pleasant, is manageable. when he is threatened that the end REALLY is near, he can make it a few months! but as soon as the danger has passed it's back to the same old program. i am in the same boat with you right now. i figured out about BPD and decided that i would only be here for our family's sake and our intimate and emotional r/s was permanently OFF. oh, you wouldn't believe how wonderful he has been since then! it's a total turnaround. no one would ever believe this person has been emotionally, psychologically or sexually abusing me for 13 years. the hard part is, believing it yourself. cause when they are like this, it is so so so easy to forget the madness, and think they've actually CHANGED. it is cruel, but you have to keep reminding yourself of all the awful they've done to you, and see them, not as isolated incidences, but as an interconnected PATTERN of behavior that cannot be remedied with will power.

i'm so sorry. 

[Lol4fun]

Me and my uBPDexbf would only have about the same 48hours to maybe a week of calm and then he would blow up.  It always happened on Sunday's when I would go home and do my own thing.  If I had chosen to give up watching my football team play and go with him to watch his football team play then maybe the blow up's wouldn't have happened? We never had issues when we were physically together. It always happened when I was not with him doing my own thing. When he ended things he ended it saying IDK we just can't seem to go 48hours without something coming up and us just not getting along. Ummm... . No it was him who couldn't go 48hours or let alone a week without choosing something to get upset with me about.  I didn't answer my phone quick enough, I didn't do the list of chores for my OWN house but chose to relax instead (i.e. didn't choose to relax over at his house), made changes to my plans (i.e. canceled plans w/a friend to again relax at my own house and recharge my batteries).  Me I didn't have a problem with him I was doing what a normal and healthy individual would do in a dating r/s where we had only been dating for about 2 months.  Granted we spent almost every evening together and when not together there were the endless texts etc.  Funny how it was always OK for him to text me and say I'm going to bed early OK if we just talk tomorrow and I off course would be very OK with this.  Yet if I were to say that... . He'd call and call and text and text.  Or heaven forbid I say that I'm going to bed can we talk tomorrow then hours later when I'm having trouble I get online to read what not maybe check FB and he happens to see I'm online... . Well then I get the text thought you were going to bed... . etc.  Oh the guilt I felt if I didn't go to see him every night but yet the judgement from him as to why I hadn't gotten my house clean and for him to be able to come over to my house... . Ummm... . Hello... . you get annoyed with me if I try to do my own thing at home and clean wanting me to be over at your house... . then condem me b/c my house isn't clean and then complain that you need more time to practice your guitar and say you can't if I am over at your house... . yet you miserable if I am not there.  Oh and then saying you should go spend time with your friends then get all moody and sullen if I do telling me I'm choosing them over him... . then getting all angry saying I'm going to end up going dancing and have guys all over me... . followed by threatening well I'm just going to go do the same.  Good lord... . like I would have a problem as long as he was coming home to me.  Its called having independence and continuing to have your life and interest/friendships that you had before you started dating rather than depending on the other person to fill your time and happiness.  God why did I quite that strong independent voice that was begging to speak up and say You know what I don't deserve to be treated this way and I'm not going to be treated this way.  Good luck to you but I'm outta here. There is a part of me that hopes he one day trys to come back so I can say just that to him.  I think maybe I have hit the anger stage... . Cause I'm angry that he tried to manipulate me into believing that I was the one with all the problems and issues... Ummm no don't think so.

Sorry I kinda hijacked this thread... . I got typing and apparently needed to get this out of my system.

[empathic]

Yes, that's what makes it so hard. If she showed consistent behaviour it would be easier to come up with a plan to deal with it, like continue working on staying, or planning to separate.

There has been unusual calmness for me as well the last couple of weeks, after a rather difficult holiday. I know it won't last - there has been low stress for her lately, but as soon as that changes I think we're back to "normal".

[popeye6031]

Thanks for all the replies guys and gals. Will keep my guard up for a while longer, see how things go.

Do not worry about hijacking the board Lol4fun, better to get it all out of your system. We are all in the same boat.

[maxsterling]

"calmness" is relative.  By my calculation, I haven't had a major blow up from her since October.  There have been minor blowups, though.  I attribute this to a few factors:

1)  her being hospitalized and medicated beginning in September.  I think the mood stabilizers have helped some here. 

2)  Me learning about BPD and using techniques like SET when she starts to get upset. 

3)  me sidestepping or avoiding harsh realities.  In other words, I know she is in serious trouble, but trying my best to remain positive because she has basically been suicidal for months.  I'd rather tell an incomplete truth now and suffer consequences later than to tell it like it is and her kill herself now. 

4)  her being severely depressed and having no other person to turn to except me.  She's painted everyone else black, so she knows that if she loses me, she has nobody. 

5)  her realizing she screwed up everything, and she has for years.  I think she whitewashed her behavior in her own brain for a decade, and now given the circumstances she has nobody else to look at but herself.  Before she blamed not having anyone who cares about her, she blamed living abroad, she blamed not having a stable job, her employer.  I think this has humbled her.

So in other words, since October things have been relatively calm, but on a very depressed level.  Calm and extremely sad.  Not calm and happy. 

[ATLandon]

My wife and I got married this past year and since then we haven't had any major issues. Though I know it won't last. Maybe I've just grown indifferent to her constant complaining and fault-finding. Regardless, I'm long over-due for something "major" to happen with her. Seriously, its only a matter of time.

[popeye6031]

That is interesting ATLandon as , from what most say, things seem to get worse after marriage.  Almost like they person with BPD has more of a sense of ownership of you and entitlement.  And hence the demands and levels of dysregulation increase.

I hope thngs stay calm for you.

[ATLandon]

That is interesting ATLandon as , from what most say, things seem to get worse after marriage.  Almost like they person with BPD has more of a sense of ownership of you and entitlement.  And hence the demands and levels of dysregulation increase.

I hope thngs stay calm for you.

I hope things can stay calm as well, but I have little hope for that long-term. My wife and I had been living together/in a relationship for 7 years before we married, so I think that once I finally put a ring on it and said "I do" it brought some sort of peace of mind for her that I was abandoning her. Though I will say that her sense of "ownership" and "entitlement" to me has been there for a long time. If anything, I think marriage was just the icing on the cake. I love her but some days I wonder why I've stayed so long, much less committed to marriage. Still trying to get out of the fog.