HIS Emotional Insecurity/ MY Avoidance

[misneach]

My BPDh finally went back to work today. He's been off the past week because of the cold weather and snow we've been having here. He went into the office this morning at 6 to get his check and for their weekly employee meeting but he wasn't sure if he had to work or not. I hadn't heard from him so at 8:30ish I sent him a text that said "Are you working today?" He called and told me he had to work but wasn't sure how long... so... . ok. Hung up and went back to work.

Now... . I have been at my current job for just a couple of months and today for the first time I got a lunch invite from 2 of the ladies in the office. As we all know this means... . you are in. You are now no longer the "new girl"... . you are now an official part of the group. One also knows... you DO NOT EVER refuse this invitation... ever. It's a slight that would never be forgotten. Plus... . I really like them and just plain wanted to go.

I did as I promised him I would do. Anytime I leave the office I send him a text to say when I'm leaving, where I'm going, and with who. When I return to my office I send him another text to tell him I'm back. It was one of our compromises to make him "comfortable" with me going back to work and so he wouldn't panic if he called my office phone and I didn't answer or return his call within a reasonable time. I also forward him an itinerary of my day each morning so he remembers when I have staff meetings etc. Do I feel like a child in doing this? Of course. Is it worth it to keep him calm? Absolutely.

So... . I sent him a text "going to lunch with Angie and Terri. Love you." When I got back I sent him "back in my office". Didn't hear anything from him which means his phone was in his truck all day. I did what I said... held up my end of the bargain.

When I leave work I send him a text to let him know I am headed home. He calls me... . in an absolute rage. He has no way to verify where I was even though I kept the receipt to prove where I was and at what time. Didn't matter. I was out with some man and he warned me about suspicious behavior (everything I do is suspicious to him). I only text him to ask him about work so I would be sure he was occupied so I could sneak out of the office. He hung up. He came home and I'm a worthless whore who he will never sleep with again because I'm not going to give him any diseases and I should look for a new man.

After this outburst... . silent treatment and the application of his favorite punishment for me. He shaved his head and is currently ignoring me and walking around the house in my favorite jeans of his and no shirt. Ugh even in a rage I am still such a fool for that man... . sigh. Anyway... .

Through his entire rant at home... . I didn't say a word. No, at first I had one "whatever" slip out but then I told myself to shut up and keep silent while he spewed his venom.

I followed our agreement, remained non-confrontational, and didn't try to justify. However, I have to establish this as a boundary of mine. I am slowly putting the lessons I read here into effect. I know that things will get worse before they get better but it's still a struggle.

I have never strayed from our relationship; never wanted to despite everything. I have never given him valid reason to doubt my loyalty which I know amounts to absolutely nothing to him but I'm going to go to lunch every now and again.

I have a mandatory staff retreat coming up next weekend. I will be gone all day Friday and half of Saturday. I am really really struggling with something and I know what you will say but I need to hear it anyway. My best friend since I was 3, Evan, lives only a few minutes from where we are staying for our retreat. I want to see him. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. We have free time to do as we wish between 1 and 5 on Friday and he is available until about 4. I'm sure you all know the war I am having with myself.

The likelihood of BPDh ever knowing if I have coffee with Evan or not is unlikely... . but I will know and I will feel guilty... . and I will eventually tell him and I will have lied and for once... BPDh will be completely right and justified in his anger and from that moment on his insecurities will be cemented and his suspicions confirmed. Fear is standing in the way of me discussing this with him because I know the confrontation that will ensue. I have 6 days to figure this out. Two questions.

1) Did I appropriately handle his tantrum this evening? How could I have done better?

2) How would you handle the gone for a night, friend, and his tantrum I know that I will come home to?

Guess that's 3 questions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joethemechanic]

Not sure what to tell you. My BPDgf is insanely jealous. I can't even talk to a woman and she checks my text messages and email. But yet she can go get wasted in a bar and not come home until god knows what hour.

Then she wonders why I have trust issues

[elemental]

I don't think there is much you can immediately do when your BPD has built up this kind of momentum.

I think you did ok. Your boundry eventually is intended to stop this kind of controlling behavior? I don't personally see anything wrong with touching base during the day when you are apart, but I feel it should be more for reasons of saying hi, hows things or the like.

Has he always been this way or has he been this way with you and no one else?

[misneach]

I'm trying to do the "what can we work out to make you more comfortable and reassured" thing to work on his trust issues. Yes the goal is to stop the controlling behavior as much as possible.

He has always been this way but much worse. He was very physically violent with his other relationships and used drugs heavily. He's never once tried to physically harm me and although drug relapses are an occasional issue it's more the drinking than anything. My ex husband was physically abusive and I told my BPDh that the first time he ever touches me in anger will be the last time. I've been through too much... . my kids have been through too much to ever allow myself to go down that road again. It's the one boundary that can't be uncrossed and the consequence will be final. It's my choice to be with him. Believe me... . the greatest lesson my ex taught me was that there isn't a man on this planet worth that and not a single one I can't live without.

His mother tells me often that she's never seen him try so hard with anyone. That gives me a lot of hope that someday he will be able to at least meet me half way.

[Surrender]

Misneach when I read what you experienced I sighed and felt the eggshells break all around me. Mine isn't quite so severe although living around eggshells is something I know all too well. My guy times me when we are out at clubs and I go buy the band cd's... . he literally gives me 5 minutes and watches me to ensure I don't touch any of the band members or likewise. I got tired of acting like I was guilty when I am anything but... . got tired of going out of my way to make sure he knows I'm loyal... . well I'm loyal and maybe even more loyal than anything he has ever known but I'm done with playing by his rules. Last argument I told him that he either needs to trust me or hit the highroad. I told him that I have nothing to be ashamed of or be guilty of and that if he has issues they are his alone. I was willing to break up with him and that night we most certainly did. We left the venue early midway through the band playing and I drove home with him in the car believing it was over... . well fine what ever... . I'm not living through his crap.he can either trust me or NOT.

So broken up we came home and he was making arrangements to leave... . I left him alone and carried on to the bedroom to watch a movie acting like it was no big deal. Next thing I know he cancelled his plans and he was beside me. I told him I wasn't going to play his insecure games because he had issues. I told him that I never betrayed a single soul in my life and I certainly wasn't going to start now but if he couldn't believe that than that was alright by me. He was free to move on.

He is still with me and I have much more freedom now... . I still can't touch another man or like wise but I can move around with ease... . even have lunch with male friends. He has pushed himself through one of his triggers and knows that if he wants to love me than I can't play by his rules alone... . that he too has to play by mine because most of all his insecurities are his and not mine. Until he has something valid to use against me he has nothing and I've given him nothing so far. When he makes me mad I will admit that I feel like going up to a random hot man and just land basing a kiss right on him in front of my guy to finally say "here you go... . you wanted this you got it"... . but that is just a fantasy .

Long story short... . he trusts me whereas for two years he was literally paralyzed from being able to do so because of his BPD issues. He put me through hell and I suffered when I should have never had to. Now he has experienced an ease that he never knew was possible with another. That doesn't mean he doesn't still get triggered and is jealous... . he is crazy jealous and it doesn't help that I get hit on often. Still... . he knows that I'm loyal and I've done nothing to show him otherwise.

I was willing to let him go... . called him on his bluff and voila he is still around.

[misneach]

Surrender,

You have certainly given me much to think on. I will willingly admit that although most of it is because I KNOW what his reaction will be... . let's be honest and say when he is coked out is the only time he's agreeable to anything I want... . but a lot of it is fear on my part. Not of him. I don't fear him at all. Although I know that boundaries have to be set and standing up for myself is an absolute necessity... . a part of me is petrified he will actually leave. He's packed up his clothes and has left many times but I always find him on the couch the next morning.

Luckily the part of me that is scared is a very small part. It's true he's never attempted to hit me but he's broken plenty of things around the house. He destroyed my fridge and threw the food all over the kitchen and living room because I refused to clean up the mess when he dumped his beer all over the kitchen floor. He put his fist through our big screen tv. His favorite thing is to dump his beer and then shatter the bottle. (I now only buy the cans   )

Things can be replaced. I will try your method for ridding my life of the eggshells. I hate them. I do need more freedom to be myself. He may not need friends (or rather can't keep any) but I do. He asks me all the time why I stay with him... why I love him. He says if he was me he'd never stay. I know this is what fuels his reactions to my friends but regardless... he's got to loosen the reins.