Disconnected From "Self"

[Legacymaker]

I've been going through the motions of living for the past month (since my mother's last rage at me).  We have had only one phone conversation since then.  She is now back home (several states away) and not speaking to me.  I have continued to move through life "like normal".  I haven't felt angry, guilty or depressed.  I thought I was at peace.  I thought I was handling everything really well. I have attended to my families needs. I have kept the house clean and the meals cooked. I have worked on several projects.  But, when I look back on the last month, I wonder where I have been, time has just moved on.  I can sense that I have been adrift, lost in a sea of her anger, awful words and accusations.

I have studied this site and read all that I can.  I now have a better understanding of this disorder.  It is not making it easier for me to let go of what might have been between a mother and daughter.

Last night my husband was holding me.  It's not that this is anything new, but the reaction I had to him was... . I can only describe it as re-entering my own soul.  The longer he held on, the more I began to feel my own presence, my own desire to be grounded in the here and now.  My emotions came one tear drop at a time until I was crying uncontrollably.  Quietly he just held on and once again brought me back to the safety of our love, my family and my "self".  I didn't need to explain, he already knew.

Today, I must acknowlege how much each of her rages take from me.  They are taking longer and longer to recover from.  It is getting more difficult to pull myself off the pavement.  Has anyone else ever felt this sense of disconnection and/or a sense of re-entering the world?  It was a very surreal experience! 

P.S.-I'm very glad to be back! 

[Sitara]

I had a breakdown something like that two or three weeks ago.  For me, I have bottled up so many emotions for so much of my life that I am finally releasing them, and it just hit me like truck one day.  Nothing in particular had set it off, just the stresses of life slowly building up.  I had been feeling a bit down most of the day, but I crawled in bed with my husband and the next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably.  He let me vent everything, just patiently listening, until all the tears were gone.  But I felt better afterwards.  I felt reassured that someone cared, sympathized, and that I wasn't alone (as I was for so much of my life before).

I find every day a little easier to deal with.  The idea of being an "orphan" gets easier as time goes on and I find that my confidence is coming back slowly.  I'm just working on fixing the things I can and making my life better.

[Legacymaker]

Sitara,

We are so lucky to have these special men in our lives. Mine is not a white knight, just a really great guy!  Glad you are feeling a little better  .

[Lilibeth]

So, so glad you are feeling better, Legacymaker. I haven't had the re-entering the world experience, but i have had a regenerating kind of experience, so i can understand what you mean... . good to have you back!

[Legacymaker]

Lilibeth,

I'll send you my hugs   

Glad you found me on this board!

Hope all is going well for you too.

What nice thing did you do for yourself today?

Actually, I'll post that question to all of us.  What nice thing did you do for yourself today?

I spent time planning my vegetable garden.

We have had over 168 inches of snow and todays temperature was 2 degrees F.

Dreaming of sunshine in the future was very theraputic 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Legacy, it sounds like you are in a grief cycle. You have pretty much suffered a death in your psyche, where the reality of what you'll never have with her as your mother really hit home. I remember literally sliding down a wall and landing on the floor on my butt and sitting there sobbing like a crazy woman years back. It was all so huge and hurtful and sick and sad. Grief will eventually take you to acceptance. I found mine just through the idiotic notion that - it is what it is, I was never able to change any of it and definitely not her or her troubles, and time brought me to the place where I am today. Not because I did any amazing karmic things, just time picking me up and moving me to January 28 '14.

Acceptance will come. And you might go through some more lather rinse repeat aspects of dysfunction with how much she is or is not in your (daily) life. But the vision of your hubby taking care of you and giving you a safe place to land - I will express envy, as my relationship with mine and his own sad baggage from childhood never gave him that ability. I am so glad you have this man to build you a little ark and carry you across the floods.

You sound like you have HOPE. And if hope isn't the food and stuff of life what is? I watched a man feed his Alzheimer's-afflicted wife at a restaurant yesterday, lovingly, over and over, as she stood up and sat down and stared around her in that pitiful broken way... . and he was telling their friends that he bathes her each morning, because "no one else can do it like I can," and somehow that man still has hope and love and strength in the midst of that nightmare. She would turn and gaze at him and he would gently wipe her face. Hope in their love must be what keeps him so strong. I was so deeply touched and appreciative of watching that kind of connection.

Hope is a delicate beautiful thing that storms really cannot break as long as it lives and breathes.

And your garden planning is an investment in the best symbol of hope we can have - living growing things.

Thank you for your moving testimony to endurance.

[lauren2013]

Legacy, I know the EXACT feeling you are describing.  It's like time stands still and the entire world just comes crashing down around you.  You might go through the motions and seem to everyone else like you're "so strong" and "handling it so well."  But really, you're numb.  Or so full of anxiety that you FEEL numb.

Sometimes I feel like my mom is ALL that I think about.  I'm constantly worrying about what she's going to do next.  I obsess over it.  And I am TERRIFIED of her.  Do you feel terrified of your mom?  I don't even know what it is I'm afraid she will do.  She lives across the country and cannot physically harm me (or I guess she could), but she has just traumatized me so much emotionally that I feel so scared even at the THOUGHT of her.

[Legacymaker]

lauren2013,

I use to think I was really close to my mom.  I now understand it to be codependency and it has been fairly unhealthy.  My mom is very high functioning so I don't deal with physical abuse or suicide threats as many others do. I do tolerate a lot of verbal abuse. 

I'm not sure fear is the word that I use to describe my feelings.  There is a constant anxiety.  I worry about what I'll say or do to set her off.  It doesn't take much.  Many times I can believe I've sailed through, only to find the boat capsizing somewhere down the river.

 

I was 17 when I met my husband. That was 33 years ago. At the time, I hadn't cried in years.  It took that poor man ages to unlock any emotions in me, thankfully he stuck with it.  Unfortunately, I seem to be back at that same place now.  I am pretty disconnected with my emotions (except when it comes to my kids and their father).  We are noticiing a pattern though.  I get set back for months at a time after one of her "visits" or powerful phone calls.

My counselor opened many new emotions within me.  Fear was the first to surface.  Once I realized I could control things to some extent, that was replaced with anxiety.

My therapist asked me to describe what I feel.  When I think of spending time with my mom, I feel like shattered glass that is being held together with duct tape.  One pull on the tape and my world falls to a million pieces. 

Other times I wear a very solid coat of iron armor and no one is allowed in. 

The only peaceful times I have, are when I maintain VLC/NC.  I can't look forward to my mom's visits anymore because they always end up in an argument,  usually followed by a rage which leads to me questioning everything about myself and my life.  This became worse as I began standing up for myself.

I recognize that anger is something that doesn't otherwise exist within my immediate family. My family dynamics are what make my mother very jealous and this in turn increases her dysregulations.

There are many good tools to use on these boards.  I hope that you are able to find some peace for yourself lauren2013.

[Sitara]

I use to think I was really close to my mom.  I now understand it to be codependency and it has been fairly unhealthy.  My mom is very high functioning so I don't deal with physical abuse or suicide threats as many others do. I do tolerate a lot of verbal abuse. 

I'm not sure fear is the word that I use to describe my feelings.  There is a constant anxiety.  I worry about what I'll say or do to set her off.  It doesn't take much.  Many times I can believe I've sailed through, only to find the boat capsizing somewhere down the river

This is worded so well!  I feel the same.  It wasn't fear, it was anxiety.  When I would go to visit, I didn't know which mom was going to be there.  Nice mom? Screaming mom?  Passive-aggressive mom?  Waif mom?  And then it was a roll of a dice which family member she would pick that day to bear the brunt of her mood.  There were different strategies to deal with each mom.  It's a very stressful thing not knowing what to expect from a simple visit to your parents.

[StarStruck]

I use to think I was really close to my mom.  I now understand it to be codependency and it has been fairly unhealthy.  My mom is very high functioning so I don't deal with physical abuse or suicide threats as many others do. I do tolerate a lot of verbal abuse.  

I'm not sure fear is the word that I use to describe my feelings.  There is a constant anxiety.  I worry about what I'll say or do to set her off.  It doesn't take much.  Many times I can believe I've sailed through, only to find the boat capsizing somewhere down the river

This is worded so well!  I feel the same.  It wasn't fear, it was anxiety.  When I would go to visit, I didn't know which mom was going to be there.  Nice mom? Screaming mom?  Passive-aggressive mom?  Waif mom?  And then it was a roll of a dice which family member she would pick that day to bear the brunt of her mood.  There were different strategies to deal with each mom.  It's a very stressful thing not knowing what to expect from a simple visit to your parents.

Anxiety most definitely what I'd experience when I used to see her.

If I was going to say it for the truth of it... . It's prob because I know she's an abuser. Imagine if you were to plan to see any abuser (that wasn't related) you would have real anxiety wouldn't you.

Also the anxiety for how crumby I'd feel after... thrown in no doubt & also with a feeling (don't know word for it) created from the past of nastiness mixed with feeling a mug for being there at all.

Legacymaker - I am finding my way to peace slowly but surely. Be kind to yourself, allowing for what you need. You're allowed to have needs and you're allowed to recover & you can take the reins 

[Legacymaker]

I do pretty well when I maintain VLC or NC.

The saddest part for me is that I occasionally have really nice chats with my mom.  Today, I am missing just being able to check in with her.  I am afraid to break NC because she is still trying to "resolve" issues from 1 1/2 years ago.  

My weekly phone call was (one of the things) thrown in my face during her last rage, so this has added to my anxiety about "doing it right".  Mom often keeps me on the phone for over 2 hours each call.  She claimed that she listens to me "at nauseum".  Uh, its actually the other way around since I rarely get to speak, but nevermind.

Anyway, I went through several months of therapy last year.  I didn't realize the anxiety I had been carrying around, it felt so normal, such a part of who I am.             It wasn't until my girlfriends (of over 20 years) started expressing how peaceful I seemed, that I had to sit up and listen. They truely know me better than I often know myself.  The best part of having had friends this long is that they have seen every stage of my growth along the way.

Starstruck

I usually feel very disappointed following my mother's visits.  I have lived away from her for over 25 years.  I remember when I was younger, I use to dream of the fun we would have, when we could be together. I would plan and prepare for a good time. It was easier when she was more of a waif/hermit. Those years I remember with some fondness because I didn't have the raging mother (although she was "collecting" details for these later years).  Back then she was mostly just controlling and hyper critical, but she wasn't hateful.

Now that she is older she is mostly queen/witch.

the anxiety for how crumby I'd feel after... thrown in no doubt & also with a feeling (don't know word for it) created from the past of nastiness mixed with feeling a mug for being there at all.

I think the word that you might be seeking here is dread.  We know it is coming, we just hope it will be different this time.

I get myself worked up for months before her arrival. We do a little better if I keep her active (usually out in the public eye).  Lately, it doesn't matter how many lovely days I plan, there is always going to be a problem.  She will just start crying for something I have said hours ago (as she reworks it in her head), or she will throw a fit (like with her latest rage) regardless of where I'm at.  This time it was in the middle of the store.  Public places use to work as my safety nets.  She now claims her therapist said she needs to confront people when they upset her-which is now always!  Thanks Ms. Therapist for not seeing the bigger picture!

Because I am co-dependent and very enmeshed, I am confused of where she ends and where I begin.

 

Sitara-This struck a chord with me:

I didn't know which mom was going to be there.  Nice mom? Screaming mom?  Passive-aggressive mom?  Waif mom?

My personality is definately different around her.  I am cautious, reserved and nervous.  I find that I have developed some reactions to her behaviors.  I am standoffish for fear of bringing out the beast. I'm sure that to outsiders I appear very rude to my own mother.  I often find myself putting a hand up as if trying to defend myself.  It is my way of holding back the onslaught of her negative verbage. This in turn creates more anger and hostility in her.  She absolutely will not back off unless I cry (which I no longer do with her).  Meaning that the rage will continue unabaited until I remove myself from her-only to be picked up at a later time.  There is no hiding!

When we have a confrontation, it takes me weeks to months to recover (that is the stage I am in now).  So, if I do the math... . for a one week visit, I spend 4-6 months dreading it and then recovering from it.  The next visit, anxiety is compounded by the memories of the past and the cycle begins again!

[StarStruck]

Yeah Legacymaker DREAD is the right word there. You're right you know... . what is coming and how awful you feel after.

The last time I saw her it took 2/3 weeks to recover (taking that time for each visit, for years). It stirs all the past up.

I am also cautious, reserved around her... . I wasn't always but then realized that being myself ended up with me hurting more. Being cautious didn't help either though... a sitting duck, especially as I didn't have tuned boundary skills under my belt also I really didn't realize just how under hand she was, ... . just answering her questions straight like any normal person would... I've only learnt of emotional boundary setting fairly recently years after my discovery of her uBPD.

My Mom is the ignoring type. I have been LC for years (I stopped making up the shortfall) then for last couple yrs VLC. It's organically going towards NC.

It sounds like you're in a real journey of discovery and like you have a good handle on it.

I have found this site really helpful. I came on here to ask a quick question which looking back was like putting a plaster over a LC relationship and have since been reading, developing and growing for a few months now. I was made up when I realized where this was taking me - if that makes any sense. I have found comments from regular readers and some members that come from a bolt out of the blue also with great insight.

I never gave up on her for years at my determent... . kept thinking it will be ok... . something will change... . I had no idea she had BPD... . obviously I had my doubts about her character though, it was an eyeopener piecing it together. It's not a diagnoses but I have enough information on how to carry on to do the right thing for MYSELF. Thinking of myself! that has taken some getting used too.

All the best for now