I still ruminate about ex please read I need help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had dated this woman who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for almost two years. I cannot tell you how many times she would break up with me or kick me out of her house and to top things off she cheated on me after we went to a therapy session per her request. I like a fool thought I could do no better and took her back even after she cheated and this happened in early August 2013. I had my birthday on Aug 15th and she took me to dinner and was stating that she had made a mistake and was sorry I forgave her but should not have. She wanted to take a road trip and I was up for it ,however the last few we had been on were not good at all. She would get mad on every trip we took and then apologized after. We took a road trip to Pittsburgh from Chicago to see the Cardinals play the Pirates and that morning she like usual comes over late and says I am scared to go because we fight i said don't worry about it we will have a great time I explained to her. We got all the way to Pittsburgh and once we hit traffic she got upset and was yelling. I had asked a guy to move his car up and she flipped out on me and refused to talk to me that night in the hotel room which i don't understand why? The next day was the day of the game and she says to me in the morning we are leaving now because she had drove so i said why? what did I do? she said I am not for her and we are leaving so we got in her car and drove all the way to Ohio and she said ok we will turn back and go to the game and I was like what the Hell? is gong on here. We get to the game and I get out of her car and I was wearing a Cardinals jersey and a guy said "Go Cards" I said "Go cards back" She got mad again and the whole game refused to talk to me. About the 7th inning she said let's leave I said the game has two more innings and then she got mad and called a cop saying she is afraid of me and that I am hostile. I am glad the people around me stuck up for me and defended me saying i was not doing anything wrong at all and was not even next to her the whole game I was touring stadium. We left the stadium and as we were leaving she was yelling and screaming at me saying i am a piece of garbage and then left me in Pittsburgh costing me $300 for a rent a car and i had to drive all the way home by myself. I was really depressed after and that same week she filed a restraining order on me and for what reason? She said I was verbally abusive I was advised to file on her too  We went to court and the judge was really cool to me and dropped the order but gave us a "No Contact" order. I had since then met a new woman through mutual friends and now I am having a kid and stressed out because there are days I think about my ex and her sleeping with other guys and it really hurts me. I tried everything possible but with no luck and I know it's for the best and i had seen a therapist for over the past year who had told me to end it with her but like a fool I didn't. How can somebody be so mean and heartless to cheat on a person after they want to go to a relationship  counselor? Why? and what did I do wrong to be thrown out like a piece of garbage. I am now with a good woman but even she is demanding I buy a ring for her because she is pregnant I am 36 y/o and my life should be happy but i am sad and a lot has to do with my ex I cannot stop thinking of her and don't know why?



Jim

[ynguns2]

I had dated this woman who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for almost two years. I cannot tell you how many times she would break up with me or kick me out of her house and to top things off she cheated on me after we went to a therapy session per her request. I like a fool thought I could do no better and took her back even after she cheated and this happened in early August 2013. I had my birthday on Aug 15th and she took me to dinner and was stating that she had made a mistake and was sorry I forgave her but should not have. She wanted to take a road trip and I was up for it ,however the last few we had been on were not good at all. She would get mad on every trip we took and then apologized after. We took a road trip to Pittsburgh from Chicago to see the Cardinals play the Pirates and that morning she like usual comes over late and says I am scared to go because we fight i said don't worry about it we will have a great time I explained to her. We got all the way to Pittsburgh and once we hit traffic she got upset and was yelling. I had asked a guy to move his car up and she flipped out on me and refused to talk to me that night in the hotel room which i don't understand why? The next day was the day of the game and she says to me in the morning we are leaving now because she had drove so i said why? what did I do? she said I am not for her and we are leaving so we got in her car and drove all the way to Ohio and she said ok we will turn back and go to the game and I was like what the Hell? is gong on here. We get to the game and I get out of her car and I was wearing a Cardinals jersey and a guy said "Go Cards" I said "Go cards back" She got mad again and the whole game refused to talk to me. About the 7th inning she said let's leave I said the game has two more innings and then she got mad and called a cop saying she is afraid of me and that I am hostile. I am glad the people around me stuck up for me and defended me saying i was not doing anything wrong at all and was not even next to her the whole game I was touring stadium. We left the stadium and as we were leaving she was yelling and screaming at me saying i am a piece of garbage and then left me in Pittsburgh costing me $300 for a rent a car and i had to drive all the way home by myself. I was really depressed after and that same week she filed a restraining order on me and for what reason? She said I was verbally abusive I was advised to file on her too  We went to court and the judge was really cool to me and dropped the order but gave us a "No Contact" order. I had since then met a new woman through mutual friends and now I am having a kid and stressed out because there are days I think about my ex and her sleeping with other guys and it really hurts me. I tried everything possible but with no luck and I know it's for the best and i had seen a therapist for over the past year who had told me to end it with her but like a fool I didn't. How can somebody be so mean and heartless to cheat on a person after they want to go to a relationship  counselor? Why? and what did I do wrong to be thrown out like a piece of garbage. I am now with a good woman but even she is demanding I buy a ring for her because she is pregnant I am 36 y/o and my life should be happy but i am sad and a lot has to do with my ex I cannot stop thinking of her and don't know why?



Jim

[buddy1226]

Dude, I feel the same way. Your ex sounds a lot like mine and reading this made me realize how people must feel when they read about me lamenting my evil witch of an ex. It's frustrating and you want to tel the person to lose this skank and move on. She is bad news. All she will ever know is drama and hatred. Your life with her will be miserable.

I know how you feel. My ex did all those things to me and worse yet I still miss her and want what we never had. Changingman from these boards wrote this  and it helps bring it into focus for me. I read it several times a day now:

Pain sadism humiliation,

She is leading you to some pretty f***** up places. This will haunt you for life. Radical acceptence... . this is the c*** you were with, no ifs no buts. No changing no closure no discussion no respect no human being.

You have two choices:

Contact! Feel all the pain, betrayal and humiliation she can give you, the victim to her sadism


Or refuse to let her hurt you anymore. Nothing, gone, she is this demon in your life and the key is contact. You'll sweat and grind and be terminally bored. This is cold turkey. And what she has abused  inside you will shout and scream and demand another hit.

Hey maybe a magic trick will change her back into the pantomime princess she made herself for you while she started to eat away at your life.

She is now! This is the absolute truth, this is the hidden passenger that was staring at you from behind make up and dresses and lies. She can hardly understand her own emotions, YOURS? Ha you're a doll for her play, you'll be left broken while she laughs.

No More Oks

It's not ok what she does! No contact

You cannot change her or the situation! No contact

There is a life more beautiful for you ahead, you're not a 13 year old girl. Man up. No crazy

No more excuses or apologies, whatever you did or didn't do was and is meaningless to her. That's vanity.

Stop beating yourself up, you're out of the cage and it feels drunk to wander away from the containment. You've been conditioned to polish the bars. No contact.

Cry, ache, feel your emotions. Your body is not a temple it's a machine. Don't be ashamed of your feelings.

Don't harm yourself or anyone else. If you feel like it change the thought to exercise or healthy eating or something positive for you.

Well done you know you are capable of love and commitment, now find someone f****** worthy of you.

Good luck my friend, the journey is more complex than we had imagined.

Angry is good, but get out of her script. She has such plans for you.

It is not the sun the moon and the stars it's just her, what a ... .

[Perfidy]

Ynguns2, I'm sorry that you're going through so much turmoil. I can identify with the rumination. Like most of the healing/detachment it is a source of anxiety and depression. From what you wrote about the conflicting behavior and words from the ex gf, you should be doing the happy dance that you aren't with her, yet you are in grief. All I can say is that it does take time for those feelings to come into alignment. There are things that you can do to manage those incongruous feelings. Life happens and much of it is manufactured directly as a result of choice.

Depression and rumination are one in the same. It's a vicious cycle. Creating positive experiences and being good to your self is a great way to break depression. I was in severe depression for months and the rumination was eating me alive. It took a LOT of focusing on my self to ease this. Treat the rumination as depression. All of the remedy has to be consistant. Rest, healthy eating, exercise, hydration, easy on the booze if you drink, a good counselor or therapist, mindfulness, learn thought aversion, learn how thought, feelings and behavior are related, learn about yourself. I know it isn't easy to break the rumination but it can be done sooner by being proactive in your healing.

[Perfidy]

Sorry... . Forgot probably the most important element, gratitude. Make a gratitude list daily of all of the good things in your life and remember every little tiny thing that you are grateful for. This has helped me greatly. I slept well last night. After months of suffering it felt good. I'm grateful for that. I enjoyed a nice meal that I made for myself, for that I'm grateful. It's all the little things.

[ynguns2]

Hi to you all and thanks i know I may sound like a broken record but I have so many built up emotions on what did i do wrong? could I have been better? but as I look back I cannot think of one thing more I could have done to make it work with her. Life does go on and I am sure I will get through this but now it's tough and I am having a child with a woman who s kind and caring and I am not giving her the utmost attention or respect that she deserves. I need to focus and focus hard and I am sure wherever my ex is or does she will be the same miserable self absorbed broke woman she was prior to me and after too.