Uggh uBPD Mom baiting again

[donniesgrrl]

We invited my Mom and Step dad to DD's birthday party, At the party she informed everyone that they sold their house (the house I grew up in), after the party and with no mention of it at the party, she showed up at our house with a baby swing we gave them when things were different to have at their house, and then proceeded to act like we didn't invite them to some after party for DD because my In laws were there, in the driveway, in their car, dropping off DD's presents, that we didn't have room for in our car.   She then began acting very weird, she started questioning me about who I am going to have at the hospital, I deflected because I did not want to deal with it right then and there on the street in the freezing cold,

About an hour ago she sent this to me Via Text: :?(... . I know they closed on the house today so she is baiting me because she wants to dump all her emotions on me.  I am 8.5 months pregnant, I was up until 3 am timing contractions that were horrible and finally tapered off thank god.  I don't have time to manage her emotions about this or anything really, she is a grown up with a Husband she can dump on if she needs to.  I did not respond and I am not planning to.  Would you handle this differently?

In the past, I would have dropped everything called her right away and said oh no whats wrong, and let her dump all over me, about how awful it is to give up that house, even though they moved into an even bigger house 2 years ago.  All the memories blah blah blah, which I am honestly glad it is gone, all I have are negative memories and feelings when I was there.  She remember things so completely differently than anyone else, we see a room where some abuse took place and all she sees is all the wonderful memories she  "created for us there" etc.  I feel a tug to respond but I know that is old habits creeping in, because I know if I do its going to be an hour long text message pity party, and frankly I just can't anymore. Blah

[P.F.Change]

You do not have to respond until you feel ready. My sister is still learning to manage her emotions on her own, too. My personal policy is to wait 24 hours before responding to texts or voice mails when she is upset. This gives her an opportunity to practice soothing herself instead of relying on me to do it for her. When she is calmer, I can listen and encourage her to find solutions.

You sound frustrated with your mother. I can understand that. She has not learned to look after herself yet and relies on others to help with her feelings. This is reality; it is not different. You do not want to take responsibility for helping your mother process her emotions. You came up with a solution: you decided not to respond right away. It is good to look for solutions when we are frustrated. What else can you do to look after yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[GeekyGirl]

PF is right, donniesgrrl. You don't need to respond to your mother until you feel like you're ready. When you do, you can limit the conversation and end it when you feel like it's the right time to end it.

What have you decided on as far as a birth plan goes (or rather, how you'll handle your parents and around and after the birth)? How will you communicate it to your parents?

[donniesgrrl]

I decided not to respond at all, I spoke to my sister later that evening and my Mom was apparently in a very damaging place.  She was blaming people for them having to sell the house to strangers and Telling my sister that only if her daughters weren't such failures we could have bought the house and allowed her to keep her memories alive.  Although they are the ones who chose to move to a bigger house and leave this one.

With that being said, I have decided that when I go into labor, my Husband will send a mass text to all family saying C is in labor, we will call when the baby is born and are ready for visitors. uBPD mom May still show up at the Hospital, but my H is prepared to handle the situation and whatever comes along with it.  My Doctor is also aware of what is going on, and they will let Labor and delivery know that while I may say OK for her to come in, if there is an issue with her leaving security will be called if necessary, although my hope is that it will not come to that. 

really I am not going to stress about it too much, my MIL, and H are fully prepared to do whatever they have to, to keep our environment as calm and stress free as possible, so that I can achieve the birth I desire.  I realize she may be upset, butt hat is her feeling to manage not mine.  SO while I hope that she can control herself, I am fully prepared for her not to, and for it to be a disaster.  When it comes to mom, we always hope for the best but prepare for the worst, and I feel like i have a pretty good support team to surround me. 

[GeekyGirl]

If it helps, use your doctor and the hospital staff to help you keep your stress level down and the visitors to a minimum during and after the birth. It sounds like your doctor is willing to step in, so take advantage! Do you want your mother to be at the hospital for the baby's birth? If not, would there be any advantage to not text your family until after the baby is born?

[UpwardAndOnward]

  All the memories blah blah blah, which I am honestly glad it is gone, all I have are negative memories and feelings when I was there.  She remember things so completely differently than anyone else, we see a room where some abuse took place and all she sees is all the wonderful memories she  "created for us there" etc. 

Is this a symptom of BPD? That is my mom to a tee, she actually blatantly fabricates stories, and if we correct her false memory she freaks out.

My Advice... . dont reply. As conflicted as you feel right now, you will only feel worse if you take her bait. you are exactly right, it is bait. Its a manipulative plea for you to get hooked in. I would wait until her plea has passed and then wb when you can control the convo level headed, "hey! saw your txt, hope things are okay - feeling tired with contractions " I always try to be positive, keep it about me if possible and be as distant as possible. good luck -Be strong and take care of you and your baby first, your baby feels the stress and conflict that she causes ... .

[donniesgrrl]

  All the memories blah blah blah, which I am honestly glad it is gone, all I have are negative memories and feelings when I was there.  She remember things so completely differently than anyone else, we see a room where some abuse took place and all she sees is all the wonderful memories she  "created for us there" etc. 

Is this a symptom of BPD? That is my mom to a tee, she actually blatantly fabricates stories, and if we correct her false memory she freaks out.

According to my Therapist it is.  She says it is a form of self preservation.  When I confronted my Mom about the Abuse she all but denied it every time.  So I decided to no longer confront her with the truth and just know that what I know is right, and to heal from that.  It is no longer necessary for me to have her admit that she did those things, what is important is that I know what happened, that I have accepted it as part of my childhood and I have grown from it, and healed from it. 

[donniesgrrl]

If it helps, use your doctor and the hospital staff to help you keep your stress level down and the visitors to a minimum during and after the birth. It sounds like your doctor is willing to step in, so take advantage! Do you want your mother to be at the hospital for the baby's birth? If not, would there be any advantage to not text your family until after the baby is born?

I know I cant physically keep her from coming to the hospital if she knows the baby is coming, I think for me doing "the right thing" involves letting her know, it removes the guilt of feeling responsible for her feelings if I we were to wait until the baby is born to tell her.  The reason I say this is that I know she will make it a federal case if you will, this way I am giving her the choice if she wants to come or not, but also telling them her that we will let you know when we are ready for visitors, so don't expect to make this a social visit. 

My First 2 births she was very intrusive, she was talking the whole time and was very distracting.  If she does come, I am perfectly fine with her coming in to say hello, but My H will not let her stay for long at all and if he sees that I am having issues he has no problem telling her "look, C needs to have quiet and concentrate, you are welcome to stay in the family lounge and we will let you know when the baby is here." He really could give 2 craps what they think of him, especially after all of the trials they have put us through in our marriage.  If she is still disrespecting my/our wishes we will have the nurses get involved, even if they have to make up a lie about max number of visitors etc. We were told they are more than happy to remove people.

[GeekyGirl]

If she does come, I am perfectly fine with her coming in to say hello, but My H will not let her stay for long at all and if he sees that I am having issues he has no problem telling her "look, C needs to have quiet and concentrate, you are welcome to stay in the family lounge and we will let you know when the baby is here." He really could give 2 craps what they think of him, especially after all of the trials they have put us through in our marriage.  If she is still disrespecting my/our wishes we will have the nurses get involved, even if they have to make up a lie about max number of visitors etc. We were told they are more than happy to remove people.

It's good that you and your DH are on the same page and that he's ready to be your advocate--you'll have enough going on that you probably won't want to have to take care of your mother.

Rest assured that L&:) professionals deal with these types of situations all the time. A friend of mine is an L&:) nurse and told me that they deal with "overeager" grandparents and family drama every day. Definitely don't be afraid to enlist them to do some crowd control! Your safety and the baby's well being are the most important thing here.

[donniesgrrl]

Well I had the Conversation with her last night.  My H was home, she called I let it go to VM first and then Called her back at a time that was good for me, After the kids were in bed and H and I had dinner.  She was congenial, and then she asked the big question "what is going to happen when you go int to labor" I was honest and used SET, I told her that We would be letting the family know by either phone call or TM depending on time of day, as well as the what was happening at the moment, but we would be waiting until we were heading to the hospital, because I would like to labor at home as long as possible, and not be bothered with calls and texts about what was happening.  She then asked if she would be coming to the hospital, I told her that MIL and SIL and DH will be in the room with me when I am laboring, she may come to the hospital if she wants However, I want MIL to be able to go through this birth with us. 

She said she was not surprised, but made some off hand comment on how well it would have been nice since I was there for the other 2 to be included in this birth, etc.  Nothing about acknowledging my feelings or what I WANT which is really all that matters (sounds selfish but that is how I feel).  I also mentioned that we were planning a med free birth, my H got a little upset with me because he did not want her to down talk it, but I think the reason I told her was to further solidify that I was making the right choice to not have her there, and she did the exact thing I thought she would.  She started telling me well you dont get a prize for doing it that way, at the end, and you know the baby is going to be big, you don't want it to tear you apart (when in reality, whether I get drugs or not, it will not change the size of the baby or how he has to come out LOL).  She also said several times well don't let anyone tell you you can't have drugs, like I am an idiot and don't know when enough is enough, or that In a very biological sense this is what I was put here for, to procreate and move life forward. 

I know my Body, I also know after all of my prep work for this birth that when I feel like I can't take it anymore that is probably when I am close to the end.  Being that she has never given birth I find it laughable that she suddenly becomes an expert on labor.  she also suggested I get a c section to make it easier on everyone involved  .

As hard as it was to have the conversation, because I knew it may hurt her, I am glad I did, it only made me more convinced that I am doing the right thing and removing her from the environment that I need to be nothing but support and calm and peace. 

My H is worried she will get nutty at the Hospital, and I told him she will not get in to see the baby until we are ready, and depending on what time of day it is she may have to wait until the morning.    My MIL even has plans to step out for the Golden hour so we can bond, I can breastfeed and we can have that first hour alone just the 3 of us. 

I feel better about it, but I am still keeping my guard up, and my H and MIL are on board to do whatever is necessary to keep me in place of peace and concentration, which is really making me excited for this birth.  I don't know what is going to happen or how this labor will go, but I am going into it knowing that I have the best support team possible, no matter what the outcome.  That in itself is going to be very healing for me. 

[P.F.Change]

I don't know what is going to happen or how this labor will go, but I am going into it knowing that I have the best support team possible, no matter what the outcome.  That in itself is going to be very healing for me. 

I am glad you feel supported. It is good you have people there to look after you. It is also good you know how to look after yourself. Congratulations on using SET to communicate your plans. It sounds like you did well.

Nothing about acknowledging my feelings or what I WANT which is really all that matters (sounds selfish but that is how I feel). 

People with BPD often struggle with empathy, donniesgrrl, especially when their own emotions are running high. It might not be reasonable to expect your mother to acknowledge your feelings. It is normal to want validation from a parent, and I'm not saying your feelings aren't important, only that your mother seems to have limitations in this department. She won't be able to meet this need for you.

I also mentioned that we were planning a med free birth, my H got a little upset with me because he did not want her to down talk it, but I think the reason I told her was to further solidify that I was making the right choice to not have her there, and she did the exact thing I thought she would.

You don't have to justify your choices to your mother. Explaining yourself won't turn her into someone who can respect and validate them.

If she did what you thought she would--argue with you--I have to ask, did you want her to argue with you?

[donniesgrrl]

I also mentioned that we were planning a med free birth, my H got a little upset with me because he did not want her to down talk it, but I think the reason I told her was to further solidify that I was making the right choice to not have her there, and she did the exact thing I thought she would.

You don't have to justify your choices to your mother. Explaining yourself won't turn her into someone who can respect and validate them.

If she did what you thought she would--argue with you--I have to ask, did you want her to argue with you?[/quote]
It really wasn't that I wanted her to argue with me, It was more that I wanted to solidify in my head that I was doing everything I needed to do to protect the type of birth that we want/the environment we want when it does happen.  In hearing her say exactly what I thought she would say it did just that.  I still struggle with guilt from time to time about making my own choices and doing what I know is best, and it is something I am working on in therapy, and in my everyday life.  To me hearing her say what I thought she would removed any thoughts that "maybe this time she will be different"  So no I wasn't looking for an argument, but more of a round about way to validate my feelings even though I know she is incapable of that.  Somewhat backwards but it helped.  

I went into the conversation knowing full well that I was doing the right thing in my head, but the compassionate and empathetic side of me (my heart if you will) still struggles with doing something that I know may hurt/upset her, I also think that is the fear side of it too, because I know what happens when she is hurt/dislikes something, and although I am better armed to deal with these outbursts/rages, I still try to protect myself as much as possible.