I caved and sent email

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ugh I'm so mad at myself it's been 4 months nc and I sent udBPDxbf an email! Sometimes I'll type a letter just for myself but never send it. Well I was having a horrible me day yesterday and I sent him an email, as soon as I hit send I was soup set with myself! The biggest surprise is that he responded, never thought he would I've been painted black very badly by him!

So here's the convo:

Me: why? Was I never worth anything?

Him: huh? What you mean?

Him: I'm a piece of ___ in your eyes.


I have not responded has much as I want to I really don't think I should. He is currently living with my replacement that he replaced me with before we broke up! Ugh please help me having a bad day!

Thank you!

[Lishab23]

Ugh I'm so mad at myself it's been 4 months nc and I sent udBPDxbf an email! Sometimes I'll type a letter just for myself but never send it. Well I was having a horrible me day yesterday and I sent him an email, as soon as I hit send I was soup set with myself! The biggest surprise is that he responded, never thought he would I've been painted black very badly by him!

So here's the convo:

Me: why? Was I never worth anything?

Him: huh? What you mean?

Him: I'm a piece of ___ in your eyes.


I have not responded has much as I want to I really don't think I should. He is currently living with my replacement that he replaced me with before we broke up! Ugh please help me having a bad day!

Thank you!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Cut yourself some slack. Obviously you felt at the time that you had a need to ask him "why?" IMO, perfectly natural. Clearly he is playing "victim", blaming you for his actions. If it were me, I would leave it alone. Do nothing. Keep writing emails/letters for yourself. I think that's very helpful.

The big picture here IMO is that nothing good could come from continued dialog. He will drag you back into an even worse situation (now with your replacement).

Can you elaborate on the situation in general? What led to you being replaced or do you know?

[Pretty Woman]

It happens to the very best of us.


Like other posters have mentioned, cut yourself some slack. To err is human. 

I will say this though... .please stop looking for validation from him.  He cannot validate you... .he is disordered... .he can't even validate himself.



Your email is looking to him to give you "self worth" and honey, you need to find that inside you. That is not something you can obtain from anyone else, especially him.

[Mutt]

Hi Lishab23,

So here's the convo:

Me: why? Was I never worth anything?

Him: huh? What you mean?

Him: I'm a piece of in your eyes.

I can understand how difficult 4 months of NC would be. It has to be hard that he's living with the replacement that he replaced you with before you broke up  I'm sorry to hear that.

The highlighted part, were you looking for closure?

[Beach_Babe]

 The mere fact he'd even respond means things are not going well over there.

[Lishab23]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes I feel I was looking for some validation/closure from him! I do know I can only get that from me and I'm trying it's something I'm working on! Well I waited 5 days and replied I just had to for me, I prepared myself as much as I could no matter how it went!

Here's the convo:

Me: You threw me out like I never meant anything to you! You lied about everything, but of course I'm the crazy one! You were trying to get back with your ex, as soon as she said no you went looking! I never was worth anything to you!

Him: No wasn't like that at all

Me: I'm not sure why I'm looking from validation from you! Thought maybe you'd apologize and realize how messed up everything was, but you didn't! Thought maybe all this time and all those sermons would help you  realize how much you hurt another person, hoping you'd feel something! But it didn't change a thing in you. I loved you with all I had, you put me through hell and I stuck by your side! I tried to be everything for you BUT I realized i was not me, you can't walk on eggshells with a person that's not love! You promised me you'd never hurt me again and you ran right to the next open arms! I hope your truly deep down inside happy. I hope all your dreams and wishes come true! Do I hate you no! Do I think your a piece of ___ no! You'll always have a place in my heart, you taught me how to value my worth how to love and how to be the woman a man would die for so thank you thank you!

Him: I am very sorry! You are great person inside and out. I am sorry

Him: I never wanted to see you hurt. I am very sorry!

Him: Listen I sit and asked that you would forgive me. I know what I have done to you

Him: You deserve happiness and I apologize for putting you through what I did. I honestly didn't know how to come at you, but I asked and prayed that you would forgive me. I hope all is well and I would never hate you as well. Things has been great on this end, new job and new beginning. I'm very sorry. You look great and find happiness you are more the worth it.

Me: Thank you!

Him: You look happy

[Lishab23]

It didn't have the rest of my comment on there! I didn't realize I had a pic attached to my signature so he saw a recent pic! This has helped quite a bit realizing he hasn't changed and that he couldn't put his pride or whatever you want to call it aside to apologize and realize he did wrong, without me telling him what I wanted to hear! I also learned that the ex we was trying to get back with is now besties with my replacment! I've still got a long recovery for myself on things I want and need to change but this helps close this chapter! I don't feel 100% but I feel I needed this! Ugh the things they put us through, as he's living a happy life new job new girlfriend new house and were struggling, just seems so unfair! Thank you everyone for being here for all of us!

[Invictus01]

It didn't have the rest of my comment on there! I didn't realize I had a pic attached to my signature so he saw a recent pic! This has helped quite a bit realizing he hasn't changed and that he couldn't put his pride or whatever you want to call it aside to apologize and realize he did wrong, without me telling him what I wanted to hear! I also learned that the ex we was trying to get back with is now besties with my replacment! I've still got a long recovery for myself on things I want and need to change but this helps close this chapter! I don't feel 100% but I feel I needed this! Ugh the things they put us through, as he's living a happy life new job new girlfriend new house and were struggling, just seems so unfair! Thank you everyone for being here for all of us!

It reminds me of dealing with a kid. You see it all the time - a kid is just being flat out mean to another kid and keeps on going until a parent steps in and makes the kid apologize for what he did. Even then, not that the kid all the sudden realized what he did was wrong. He just does something he is made to do - apologize for the bad behavior. The same is here.

[Kathy W]

I read this post with such disbelief that someone, you, could be feeling as bad as I am. And that he with his response sounded so much like my ex. I am 3 months no contact, feel really stuck, grasping, thinking if I just talked to him I could have closure. Your post made me realize that I would get the same type of response, those words... .very sorry mean nothing to BP. They are just performing, using words they have seen others use, doing and saying what they have tried to learn from others but manipulating all the time. None of it is or was real, which is so painful, I am mourning something that wasn't even real.

[Lishab23]

[/quote]
It reminds me of dealing with a kid. You see it all the time - a kid is just being flat out mean to another kid and keeps on going until a parent steps in and makes the kid apologize for what he did. Even then, not that the kid all the sudden realized what he did was wrong. He just does something he is made to do - apologize for the bad behavior. The same is here.[/quote]
Yes very kid like! I was surprised and honestly not sure why but he couldn't apologize on his own terms but like you said because he doesn't realize he destroyed someone's life. Unreal, just have to keep reading and understanding all of this to help me move forward! Thank you!

[Lishab23]

I read this post with such disbelief that someone, you, could be feeling as bad as I am. And that he with his response sounded so much like my ex. I am 3 months no contact, feel really stuck, grasping, thinking if I just talked to him I could have closure. Your post made me realize that I would get the same type of response, those words... .very sorry mean nothing to BP. They are just performing, using words they have seen others use, doing and saying what they have tried to learn from others but manipulating all the time. None of it is or was real, which is so painful, I am mourning something that wasn't even real.

Yes Kathy w I was hoping he would have apologized or something on his own! But it seems they either know any different or just don't care! It honestly helped me realize he's sick and selfish both of which I don't want it deserve in my life! He will never change hope he will for his own sake but not my problem it's hers! Try and find closure yourself if you can, I did for 4 months and I just had to give it a shot but I prepared myself not knowing how it was going to go! Hugs!

[Mutt]

Hi Lisab23,

I also learned that the ex we was trying to get back with is now besties with my replacment!

Water seeks it's own level.

He will never change hope he will for his own sake but not my problem it's hers! Try and find closure yourself if you can, I did for 4 months and I just had to give it a shot but I prepared myself not knowing how it was going to go! Hugs!

When two healthy adults end a relationship often we give each other closure. Your ex is emotionally immature, self-centered and shows little empathy to you .

I'm sorry you're going through this. He's mentally ill, he has social impairments and isn't giving you closure. This can take time to process, it's a frustrating and painful place to be in and we can find closure for ourselves.

[Clearmind]

"Why" was the most difficult thing for me to process. Why did he discard me when I did everything for him? Why did he not provide any indication he was not happy so that I could change to make the relationship better?

In time that Why I was seeking from him eventually came to be more like "why did I choose a man who showed me little respect, love, partnership, maturity, support, communication?" You see I was seeking closure from a man who had no idea within himself. I was seeking validation and self worth from a man who could not provide that for himself let alone me.


I was seeking validation (the Why) from him. In the end of my search I soon realised that me choosing him despite all the things he couldn't provide very much stemmed from my own upbringing. I was seeking out recognition from a man who needed fixing and saving from his own plight/sadness to bolster my own feelings of lack of self worth. My upbringing didn't really afford me with good relationship skills - alcoholic parent and enabling mother. His issues outweighed mine do in a way I felt safe, sheltered because when you're fixing someone else the spotlight is not on you (me).

So my Why! I chose my ex and thank goodness I did. My journey on the other side of my relationship has been the most awakening experience of my life. I would never again choose a man that was more interested in tearing me down than being a true partner. I accepted scraps.