Regret?

[thisyoungdad]

Ah so I was talking to a new friend tonight about some things, not too deep and she didn't know much about BPD. I told her to google it and in 3 minutes she would know all she needed to know in order to understand me. Sure enough that was true. Well she asked me if I thought my ex regretted leaving me.

Side note: My ex has had very short term rebounds, constantly changing her mind what she is looking for. Women, Poly relationships with straight couples, now men who are in the 20 year age range above her for non sexual relationship (HELLO Daddy issues? Which she does have) and yet nothing has been more than a month or two here and there. Having left me 18 months ago I am pretty surprised.

She still seems to put a lot of energy, way more than me, into our "relationship" or what small piece of one we have left. And that is why my friend asked because I was telling her of the small things that my ex does that are not negative. And how I let a lot of stuff slide and don't comment about it or acknowledge it so I don't cause a problem either because I don't have time in my life for that... . good or bad. I told my friend though that yes I absolutely get the feeling from my ex that she regrets leaving me. I am still happily single. She can't seem to find a rebound. I am happy, healthier than I was, in better shape, just in general better except a stable job. She on the other had looks worn down, she has gained a little and clearly her self confidence is down. I felt sad for her the last time I saw her last week.

All this to say, can they regret leaving and if so what are the odds they could ever admit it? Not come back and reconcile, I think my ex might even want that but I don't think she is capable unfortunately. Maybe she does not regret it? Maybe she was able to really just forget and get over me? I just never really thought much about it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi thisyoungdad,

It's hard to say if she regrets it or not, we are not in her head.    I would guess that yes, she feel regret sometimes, but she may try to avoid feeling that, because it could remind her of other things/feelings that are just too much for her to handle.  With BPD, feelings are overwhelming.

What about you?  Do you have regrets, thisyoungdad?

[love4meNOTu]

I think there are probably times when you appear on her radar. But... that being said... pwBPD do not feel or think the same way that nons do.

They are very adept at pushing feelings away and compartmentalizing them. I do my best to feel and deal with pain, work through it, get to the other side, try to find some resolution. I don't think my ex does the same. Instead, he thinks that if he finds his perfect love nothing will have to be fixed. He moves on to the "next". It's easier for him that way. Does that make sense to you?

It's helped me to understand BPD. We as nons, know that no one is perfect. And even if he did find the perfect person? He would find something to fear in them eventually. It's part of the attachment disorder. I loved my exhusband very much, and I assumed he felt the same way. That was where I made my tragic mistake. He just needed me. He doesn't really know what love is, not in the same way you and I do.

I don't think you can ever convince a pwBPD that you love them. It is constantly questioned depending on how they feel about you in that moment... not in the history of the relationship you have with them. To a pwBPD they way they feel this moment is the truth, and to them this is the way it will continue to be.

It's a very skewed way to live. To be afraid that someone you need will turn on you at any moment. Kinda scary, eh?

L

[Perfidy]

I gave up trying to figure the ex out. I have a certain amount of regret that I met her. That's the only regret I focus on. But not much.

[thisyoungdad]

The only real regret I have is A) that I missed all the red flags that are so easy for me to see now and B) that I tried for so long after she left to try to make it work and get her back out of my own low self esteem.

I don't regret meeting her and being married to her because we have the most beautiful daughter and I have 50/50 custody of her as of now.

It is hard for me to really understand how this moment of emotions for them equals the truth. Maybe that is my entire problem, I still want to understand and yet I just won't ever be able to.

And yes she would often say that she was afraid I was going to leave her at any time, like just wake up and decide to leave which is funny since she did that exact thing to me. She did live in constant fear of that but disguised it as her being 13 years older. I am 30, she is 43 at the moment, so she was worried that a younger, hotter woman would walk by and I would be swept away or something ridiculous. I always thought it was sad and would try to reassure her. Yet now I realize it wasn't that at all.

At this point there is absolutely no way I would get back with her, I know far too much and can look back with such clear glasses now that I just couldn't. Unless she got help and I don't see that happening unfortunately. I was just curious about people's experiences since we have a 3 year old together she will be part of my life in some way for at least the next 15+ years.

[bigredboomer]

Maybe the reason she left is that she'd rather quit than get fired. 

I've had that happen with some PD girlfriends.

I agree with an earlier post that BPD love is nothing like non-BPD love.  They think it is cause that's all they've ever experienced.  It's like if you always wore sunglasses as a baby on up.  Your perception of the world, and your memories would be very different to everyone else.

[Popcorn71]

I think there are probably times when you appear on her radar. But... that being said... pwBPD do not feel or think the same way that nons do.

He moves on to the "next". It's easier for him that way.

I loved my exhusband very much, and I assumed he felt the same way. That was where I made my tragic mistake. He just needed me. He doesn't really know what love is, not in the same way you and I do.

I don't think you can ever convince a pwBPD that you love them. It is constantly questioned depending on how they feel about you in that moment... not in the history of the relationship you have with them. To a pwBPD they way they feel this moment is the truth, and to them this is the way it will continue to be.

I totally agree with what you've said.  My xBPDh has never shown any regret at all.  One of the things he said when he left was that 'at least he knows he was loved'.

Even though he knew this, he still happily walked away.  I think he knows he can't love anyone back so it doesn't matter who he is with.  He just goes for the option with least inconvenience to him.

[hergestridge]

My exwive's dad (undiagnosed BPD) is in his 70s now. He has no regrets. He's a bit unusual for a BPD because he likes to sumarize his life and tell other people about it.

He tells people about how he cheated on his wife when she was pregnant, so she threw him out. But him cheating was just a sign that something was not right in their relationship and "it was time" to break up.

He has been in constant conflict with both his children for his whole life and they have both needed psychiatric care as adults. At his son's funeral (!) he mentioned this but, he said, arguing is a sign of a healthy relationship.

He doesn't spend old age reflecting like you or me. He's got his foolproof explanations that rids him of guilt and he will believe in them until he dies.

He's the kind of person who not only hurts you badly, he also sticks around to tell you it had to happen and that you should remain friends. It is a dangerous kind of person to have in your life.

People who can't del with regret (which pwBPD can't) are bound to re-arrange reality so that they never, ever really made a mistake. If there was a mistake, the only aspect of it that should be discussed is how small it was and how soon it should be forgotten and forgiven. It is externalized, for others to deal with. Never internalized and properly dealt with.

[RisingSun]

I don't think you can ever convince a pwBPD that you love them. It is constantly questioned depending on how they feel about you in that moment... not in the history of the relationship you have with them. To a pwBPD they way they feel this moment is the truth, and to them this is the way it will continue to be.

This is so true. The love I showed my w was only a temporary fix in the moment. Loving gestures never lasted in her mind or heart and were quickly forgotten.

It never seemed like she had the capacity to reflect back on all the loving moments we had together. Love expressed to her was like pouring water into a bucket

that had a hole in it. You were always starting from a place of insufficiency.

They may have a bit of selfish based regret at times. I don't think this should be trusted for long though, it's not based in compassion or empathy nor on stable

emotions and self reflection.

Their regret vanishes quickly and morphs into the same avoidance issues they had to begin with.

Their regret is like smoke. One breath from you and it's gone.

[thisyoungdad]

It is so interesting that this came back up since I originally wrote it back in February. I say that because I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 months. We had been friends for 7 months before we started dating. And the first 5 or 6 weeks were good, no real danger signs at all. Then about 2 weeks before she broke up with me I started to get some red flags. Then when I tried to set very reasonable boundaries she freaked the heck out and broke up with me and ranted about hating me etc. Anyway though in those last couple weeks I felt like no matter what I did she didn't believe I loved her, or she would but it wasn't long lasting. I started to notice things starting to feel similar to my failed marriage and so I tried to put some boundaries up and her reaction told me that she probably does have BPD and anyway all that to say it has been a hard, sad week. So I think it is the universe this came back up for me to read what people had to say because it is once again applicable to me, just a different woman now.

[hergestridge]

I don't think you can ever convince a pwBPD that you love them. It is constantly questioned depending on how they feel about you in that moment... not in the history of the relationship you have with them. To a pwBPD they way they feel this moment is the truth, and to them this is the way it will continue to be.

Regret is like smoke. One breath from you and it's gone.

It's eerie how they don't actually build relationships. Not to people, not to things, not to places. Every day is groundhog day.

My xwife used to call me "sentimental" for developing an attachment to anything; houses or neighbourhoods we lived in, pets we had, things we used to do together. It's one of the things that made me question her love for me eventually; she was with me more or less 24/7 but she didn't seem to be there at all.

[Tolou]

love4menotu

"I don't think you can ever convince a pwBPD that you love them. It is constantly questioned depending on how they feel about you in that moment... not in the history of the relationship you have with them. To a pwBPD they way they feel this moment is the truth, and to them this is the way it will continue to be.

It's a very skewed way to live. To be afraid that someone you need will turn on you at any moment. Kinda scary, eh?"

this is scary, they can turn, just for a believed slight and still not even see or acknoledge that they turned on you, now way to live for either person, what a shame... .