Please help me here broke NC and I'm worried

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been over 2 weeks since last contact from him. Tonight he emailed me "I'm depressed". I would not forgive myself if something bad happened and I hadn't replied. So I replied "I can't help you, you should go and see your doctor." This has set me back again after making some good detachment progress. I have 2 kids and 2 weeks ago he drove by my house 10pm and emailed from outside. I was just getting over that. I feel compassion for him and still feel love for him but at the same time I think this is just another tactic to get me crawling back. He's tried nasty then nice then nasty now poor me. It's just heartless.

[Apricot6]

It's been over 2 weeks since last contact from him. Tonight he emailed me "I'm depressed". I would not forgive myself if something bad happened and I hadn't replied. So I replied "I can't help you, you should go and see your doctor." This has set me back again after making some good detachment progress. I have 2 kids and 2 weeks ago he drove by my house 10pm and emailed from outside. I was just getting over that. I feel compassion for him and still feel love for him but at the same time I think this is just another tactic to get me crawling back. He's tried nasty then nice then nasty now poor me. It's just heartless.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You could be right. BPD is disordered and today may behave without scruple to keep you on the hook while tomorrow BPD is in bed with your replacement.  They certainly have a defective moral compass.  Amazing how they hurt you so badly and then cry for help with extreme self pity. It doesn't make sense because it is a disorder.

[Lonely_Astro]

It's been over 2 weeks since last contact from him. Tonight he emailed me "I'm depressed". I would not forgive myself if something bad happened and I hadn't replied. So I replied "I can't help you, you should go and see your doctor." This has set me back again after making some good detachment progress. I have 2 kids and 2 weeks ago he drove by my house 10pm and emailed from outside. I was just getting over that. I feel compassion for him and still feel love for him but at the same time I think this is just another tactic to get me crawling back. He's tried nasty then nice then nasty now poor me. It's just heartless.

NC is like a diet.  So you had some McDonalds when you should have had a salad, right?  You gave him sound advice.  It didn't open a door for him, really.  He said he was depressed, right?  Well, did he ask about you or anything else?  No. It was about him of course ("I'm depressed... .I couldn't care less about how YOU feel, you need to be here for ME" is how I read that).

I, too, broke NC with mine. It went the opposite way. I didn't feel set back by it, it showed me just how disordered she is.  2 weeks of NC and her response to me was she hasn't contacted me because she "didn't know where life had led me".  It was only 2 weeks later!  What I took from that was life "had led" her somewhere else and she expected the same of me.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Just go back NC.  He's not your responsibility.

How are you feeling now?

[zeus123]

people with BPD are mentally impaired, stay away from them and maintain strict NC for life!

[Apricot6]

Lonely_astro I did notice that. No concern at all about how I am or the kids. He replied to my reply. That he can't understand how it could all turn to dust when we had been so happy. He is massively in denial. This is what makes him so unpredictable and therefore in my opinion potentially dangerous. He doesn't even realise how scary and awful he is when in the hater mode. I am just worried now he is going to turn into a stalker.

[Skip]

Lonely_astro I did notice that. No concern at all about how I am or the kids. He replied to my reply. That he can't understand how it could all turn to dust when we had been so happy. He is massively in denial. This is what makes him so unpredictable and therefore in my opinion potentially dangerous. He doesn't even realise how scary and awful he is when in the hater mode. I am just worried now he is going to turn into a stalker.

Spurned lovers often do this. With BPD, if you trigger abandonment anxiety, it can take a life of its own.

If you can, I'd go for controlled contact. Tell him that you need space and you are OK to exchange one email a week as long as he doesn't break the agreement, show up announced, doesn't discuss the relationship, etc. Just give him some controlled outlet so he is not looking for ways to reach you.  Heck, you can even have someone else read and answer the email for you.

Can you handle something like this?

It doesn't help to obsess about No contact - the comparison to a diet is a good one. Its about eating right and in moderation.

[Apricot6]

Skip I am genuinely confused by your response. Are you suggesting I maintain contact with someone who I have come to realise has a personality disorder which makes them volatile and unpredictable when I have 2 children - just to allow them an outlet and a little drip feed of supply? I have to say I think that is just crazy! I am genuinely concerned that he seems to find it impossible right now to leave me alone and I don't think encouraging contact is going to improve that. I feel compassion for him but I am the last person who can help him. As his recently ex girlfriend I am a massive trigger.

[Apricot6]

I just got an email 'can we try again?'. Is no response the best response or is it better to reply to that and be clear? My head is spinning.

[Skip]

I just got an email 'can we try again?'. Is no response the best response or is it better to reply to that and be clear? My head is spinning.

A response would look like... .

John, I really need space right now and I need you to respect enough to give it to me. We can communicate by email once a week on Saturday while I work through this as long as all other communication stop. OK. I need my space right now. I don't want to have to block you.

Skip I am genuinely confused by your response. Are you suggesting I maintain contact with someone who I have come to realise has a personality disorder which makes them volatile and unpredictable when I have 2 children - just to allow them an outlet and a little drip feed of supply? I have to say I think that is just crazy! I am genuinely concerned that he seems to find it impossible right now to leave me alone and I don't think encouraging contact is going to improve that. I feel compassion for him but I am the last person who can help him. As his recently ex girlfriend I am a massive trigger.

I'm not suggesting that you help him. I'm suggesting that you manage him. Once you trigger abandonment anxiety and a person is blocked, they go into a mode known as extinction burst.  They will try and try. The more you ignore, the harder they try to break through.

Some of the members here have done it too.  It's just a human reaction.

You can try it. It's like slowly opening a bottle of champagne rather than popping the cork. When he writes on Saturday you can skim the email, find something easy to respond to (glad to hear you are working out) and wait until next week. Don't engage in any of the drama.  And since you are not engaging in drama, someone else can actually read and respond for you.

Or you can wait and see how hard he tries/creative he can get.

It's one tool. I'm making you aware. Using it is your call. Other tools include restraining orders and changing email addresses.

You know him better than anyone. Pick the one that work for you.

[Apricot6]

Ok thank you I understand better what you are getting at. However you are assuming he can agree to rules and behave consistently. This is not the case. My sister has suggested she contact him, let him know I have shared all his emails with her and ask him politely to respect my wishes and leave me alone. This action would show him all his emails are being read by an observer and make future attempts at manipulation impossible. Any thoughts? Thank you

[Skip]

Ok thank you I understand better what you are getting at. However you are assuming he can agree to rules and behave consistently. This is not the case. My sister has suggested she contact him, let him know I have shared all his emails with her and ask him politely to respect my wishes and leave me alone. This action would show him all his emails are being read by an observer and make future attempts at manipulation impossible. Any thoughts? Thank you

I'd use the tightening noose method. It's basic boundaries enforcement. It might take a few false starts.

You go first.  He'll test it. You write him that you are cancelling the first Saturday and if he does it again, you close it down.  If you blow through all of that - then go to your sister, and then change email, then look at restraining orders.

The trick to all of this is to show little or no emotion or over reaction. At times like this it feeds the other sides anxiety.

[Apricot6]

If someone asks you "can we try again" then the best thing seems to me to reply with a clear "no". Saying I need space right now but you can email me once a week is just giving them false hope and if there is ever a harassment case down the line (God forbid) this approach would be used as evidence against me.

[Skip]

If someone asks you "can we try again" then the best thing seems to me to reply with a clear "no". Saying I need space right now but you can email me once a week is just giving them false hope and if there is ever a harassment case down the line (God forbid) this approach would be used as evidence against me.

You know the situation best. You know the tools. Do what you think makes the most sense. I'm not sure that there is a universal best answer.

[Lonely_Astro]

If someone asks you "can we try again" then the best thing seems to me to reply with a clear "no". Saying I need space right now but you can email me once a week is just giving them false hope and if there is ever a harassment case down the line (God forbid) this approach would be used as evidence against me.

Remember that you are dealing with someone who has abandonment issues.  Suddenly ghosting out of their life can certainly trigger this fear for them.  That results in a "leave me alone, don't leave me" mentality.

I think what Skip is trying to point out is by going to just a single day of email attempts to ease this fear for them and allows distance for you.  For BPDs, out of sight is out of mind.  If you keep your emails as impersonal as possible, you become boring to them.  Since they need consent stimuli to "feel alive", they'll eventually move on once you become so boring to them. 

Each BP is different, of course.  Mine isn't a chaser.  Once she's done with you, she's done.  She'll still engage you in conversation if YOU start it but if you say something that doesn't fit her new narrative (which is always being rewritten, btw), she'll immediately go ST.  This is dual edged.  It protects her from 'feeling' those negative feelings and thus preventing her from seeing herself as 'bad' and it punishes you for 'talking to her like that'.

There are those on here that have been stalked by their exes.  They've had to use the courts to stop it and more.  But, as Skip said, going with the one email a week setup eases your absence to him.  I am confident the email exchange wouldn't last long because once he sees you as boring, he's going to find new stimuli.  This accomplishes your goal (him leaving you alone) and minimizes your risk (him stalking you) at the same time.  BPDs lack boundaries and will attempt to break those boundaries when they are in place.  Also, I think you thinking that telling him he can email one day a week is setting you up for harassment.  It's actually the opposite.  It can't be harassment unless it's clearly stated he wants you to leave him alone.  At that point, you do.  When (yes, when) he reaches back out as to why you left him alone, you tell him it's because that's what he wanted and that you wish to continue that.  If he doesn't, you'll take it further with the authorities.  Now, you're the one set up for a harassment charge on him, if you choose and he does contact you again.

Your situation is is yours.  Only you can decide which way to proceed.  You have kids and you must protect them and yourself.  I absolutely understand, I'm the same way with J.  Ghosting out of their lives often invites more drama rather than solving it when you have a 'chaser' BPD (which was caused by his fear of abandonment).

Just my opinion based on what I've read.

[Apricot6]

He has been emailing me all day. He wants to meet tonight to explain and make things right. I cannot meet with him it would be a terrible idea, and I really don't want to hear the explanations. Maybe one day when I am over this and he does not have the power to hurt me. My sister is desparate to email him herself, she thinks if he knows she's in on it he'll go away immediately. But I feel like this is losing even more control for me. I just don't know how to respond. He knows I'm on my own tonight as the kids go to their dad so he may drive by. My sister is coming to stay the night. I can't live like this. I don't see the weekly email as a solution. I am suffering massive pain from the break up I have 2 children and in the first year of recovery from alcohol, I cannot deal with managing this situation.

[Lonely_Astro]

He has been emailing me all day. He wants to meet tonight to explain and make things right. I cannot meet with him it would be a terrible idea, and I really don't want to hear the explanations. Maybe one day when I am over this and he does not have the power to hurt me. My sister is desparate to email him herself, she thinks if he knows she's in on it he'll go away immediately. But I feel like this is losing even more control for me. I just don't know how to respond. He knows I'm on my own tonight as the kids go to their dad so he may drive by. My sister is coming to stay the night. I can't live like this. I don't see the weekly email as a solution. I am suffering massive pain from the break up I have 2 children and in the first year of recovery from alcohol, I cannot deal with managing this situation.

Simply be honest with him.  Tell him that you can't meet him and you expect him to respect that.  Tell him that you aren't in a place for a relationship and you wish for him to leave you alone.  The next part is up to you: make it clear if he doesn't you'll involve the authorities.  Be clear, concise, and stand firm.  But don't make an idle threat, either.  If you tell him you'll call the cops and he does something to warrant it, do it. 

I also suggest you get with a professional to discuss what's going on.  They are far better equipped to handle 1-1 situations than we on the board are.

[Apricot6]

Thanks lonely_astro.What kind of professional do you mean,

[Skip]

Have you broken up and recycled before?

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks lonely_astro.What kind of professional do you mean,

I mean a therapist.  I say that because you have mentioned that you "can't deal" with the situation.  Going to one is for your benefit, not theirs.  On a bit of a side note, it wouldn't hurt to speak with a lawyer/police officer about your state's laws on harassment/stalking just to be informed as to what to expect if you have to go that route.  If you fear for your safety, you need to do that ASAP.

[Apricot6]

We haven't really broken up before, just had a couple of days silence after an attack. I never seriously considered breaking up until the last time when I recognised the cycle and the abuse was too much to take. I believe we would have got back together if he hadn't maintained the nastiness for weeks afterwards which gave me the time to sep back and emotionally move away. He has now realised that has happened and is becoming loving and regretful which is much harder to stand up to than the nastiness. It's just too late.

I am starting therapy next week and it could not come at a better time. Thank you both for your time and advice.