Got a silent call today from ex, whats up with that?

[Dog biscuit]

This morning I recieved a call from an anonymous number, and picked it up, just to here a sigh ( his sigh) and silence. Then he hung up.

What is this about? Is he checking if i'm still alive?

Why? it's so stupid!

He clearly wants contact, one way or the other ( he mailbombed me some time ago),  but I dont understand why? There is nothing left for him here, and there is nothing more to say... .

It got me thinking about an imaginairy conversation we could have had, but I couldnt think of anything to say to him. Although I have many questions about what happend during the r/s and such, I dont expect to get any answers from him. He would only twist and turn things around and feed me more of his disturbed lies.

I really dont have any thing left to say to him, its kind of sad acctually. I've never been in this situation before where there was nothing left to say anymore, to someone I once loved deeply.

I accept that I have to find the answers to my questions by myself, and to trust my gut when I think an answer is probably right . I have to reconstruct the r/s by my own experience and feelings, not by his distorted view, or our "shared' experience. I see him crystal clear now the mist of all the drama has died down, and discover I had a whole other r/s than I thought I had with him.

Is this what is meant by detachment?

[CoasterRider]

I dont know what detachment means. I know what getting over it and moving on is... . Im not quite there yet. Im back to hoping I'll hear from him and him saying magnificant things that will help me in making sense of it and getting some power back. I know that will never happen.

Guess the best thing we can do, is try to look at it objectively, take the good with the bad, and know it was an experience. Try to get something out of it, a little wisdom? a little life experience? and run like hell when we see the  waiving in the future. Seems life is a cruel teacher she gives the tests before the lessons.

My T says the best thing they ever did was leave. So we could go find someone who wants and equal patnership. Its the second best thing they did by leaving us alone so we can heal and move on. Its the being completely cut off though is what Im having a hard time with now.

Are you 100% sure it was him? My advice would be next time an unknown # calls, send it to voicemail... .

[Dog biscuit]

Yeah, it was him, there are only 3 people who have my landlined phonenumber, bc I hardly use it. I phoned the other 2, they didnt call. And I heard his sigh, it was him for sure. Normally I dont pick up on an anonymous number, but my child was about to pick the phone up, so I had to grab it before she started blabbing away. 

What are you hoping to hear from him Coasterrider? What can he say to empower you, or to make sense and peace for you? Is it something you can say or write to yourself?

Moving on and getting over it, feels probably the same as getting detached. Detachement to me means not being affected by what he does or doesnt do, and Im not there obviously, otherwise it wouldnt bother me that he called.

I can feel your pain in hoping, coasterrider. I wish you your power back!

[CoasterRider]

Ive always had the break up, upper hand so to speak. Ive only had two major relationships, the first with a NPD jerk. When I was finally ready to be done with that I left and never looked back. Didnt feel powerless at all. With all the other dating attempts, that just sorta fizzled out. It wasnt long before I heard from them saying how great of a guy I was and how they made a big mistake by letting me go, they admit they were the ones who had issues that prevented anything from happening. This time I tried my might to be smart, go slow, but went to bed one night and woke up in a serious relationships before I knew it. He blamed absolutely everything on me. The last time I saw him and the last time he showed up to counseling, I knew it was near the end, I was sobbing infront of him. I simply was told in the most clear and cold, convicted tone of voice, "I dont feel bad for what you're going through, because this is all your own fault." Even though it had nothing to do with me. I guess I want him to say "Hey it was me, I'm sorry."

I know however, he is incapable of that level or personal responsiblity or interspection. He was so convinced I was going to cheat or leave him for someone else, he left me, and for someone else, Irony huh?

I know I am the keeper of my own power. Just not hearing a damn word, just never something Ive had to deal with before. I usually walk away from these things with them later admitting their faults and affirming I was a good guy. It really helps the healing. No such luck this time.

[Dog biscuit]

I simply was told in the most clear and cold, convicted tone of voice, "I dont feel bad for what you're going through, because this is all your own fault." Even though it had nothing to do with me. I guess I want him to say "Hey it was me, I'm sorry."

What a jerk!  

I understand the feeling of powerlessness, but you arent powerless. Is there something you can do to validate yourself? Is there something you feel you did wrong during the r/s that justifies his cold and cruel words?

[CoasterRider]

Ive always considered myself a lone wolf, never really needed to run with a pack. Just need one special person who understands me and accepts me for the way I am. I thought that was him, but looking back he never understood me.

No one ever deserves those words, especially followed up by "I still love you" a few moments later. Talk about mixed signals. Love is empathy, compasion and understanding, combined with atleast the willingness to extend forgiveness. I tried to tell him that, he didnt want to hear it.  I always carried the emotional heavy weight in that relationship. The breaking up then him coming back, making gradious promises to working on it and then breaking up with me again a few weeks later, those bags were put around my neck to carry as well.

[Dog biscuit]

No one deserves those words, so neither did you!

He put those bags on you to carry, but some of them arent your bags to carry, but his.

[Ironmanrises]

This morning I recieved a call from an anonymous number, and picked it up, just to here a sigh ( his sigh) and silence. Then he hung up.

What is this about? Is he checking if i'm still alive?

Why? it's so stupid!

He clearly wants contact, one way or the other ( he mailbombed me some time ago),  but I dont understand why? There is nothing left for him here, and there is nothing more to say... .

It got me thinking about an imaginairy conversation we could have had, but I couldnt think of anything to say to him. Although I have many questions about what happend during the r/s and such, I dont expect to get any answers from him. He would only twist and turn things around and feed me more of his disturbed lies.

I really dont have any thing left to say to him, its kind of sad acctually. I've never been in this situation before where there was nothing left to say anymore, to someone I once loved deeply.

I accept that I have to find the answers to my questions by myself, and to trust my gut when I think an answer is probably right . I have to reconstruct the r/s by my own experience and feelings, not by his distorted view, or our "shared' experience. I see him crystal clear now the mist of all the drama has died down, and discover I had a whole other r/s than I thought I had with him.

Is this what is meant by detachment?

That is what proceeds a re-engagement attempt. To test the waters. And to self soothe.

[Dog biscuit]

Re-engagement doesnt make sense to me, because he said nothing, there was only silence and a sigh.

Selfsoothing makes sense to me, I can imagine that. Thanks Ironman!

I am so ready to NOT pick up the phone again!

[Ironmanrises]

Re-engagement doesnt make sense to me, because he said nothing, there was only silence and a sigh.

Selfsoothing makes sense to me, I can imagine that. Thanks Ironman!

I am so ready to NOT pick up the phone again!

Re-engagement means to restart the relationship with you(Re-idealization --> Trigger day ---> Devaluation ---> Discard). This is how my exUBPDgf re engaged me for round 2. It started with the silent voice calls/ silent voicemail. Then the text came in. Followed by 17 texts in a row(all ranging from "I'm sorry --> You hurt me". Then I responded. Then I let her back in. 5 months later, she leaves again. I finally start posting on here. 6+ months of NC later, my life is still pretty much in shambles as I rebuild. Don't let it happen to you.

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks for your concern and explanation,Ironman, I appreciate it!

Im sorry this happend to you.

I wont let it happen to me, I have this wonderfull little child ( not from exBPDbf) that needs a stable and happy mom, so enough motivation to never get into that hellhole again.

Did you respond to her text messages initially?

[bpdspell]

What is this about? Is he checking if i'm still alive? Why? it's so stupid!

There's no clear cut answer to what contact may be about. But it doesn't matter why because all you can be responsible is your side of the street. No one on this board can read your ex's mind. Your ex could be stalking you, testing for a recycle, or simply longing to hear your voice. Again. The why's don't matter. It's what you respond to. What matter's is that you know this person is mentally ill and incapable of making amends and that his disorder that is very real.

Is this what is meant by detachment?

Detachement is a process. It's means letting go of the hope /... . in essence surrendering…that this person is capable of rescuing you, fixing or repairing the damage that they have caused and accepting that this person is mentally ill.

Detachment to me means looking within our own mirrors and exploring the why's of why we allowed ourselves to get entangled in this nasty toxic bond that is called the BPD dance. It will take a while to get honest. For me detaching meant that my ex was not only not good for me but not good for anybody without deep psychological help.

It took me about three years to detach so everyone's healing timeline is different. I am now in the phase of honoring my self-worth and validating that I deserve to be treated with love, respect, kindness. And it's non-negotiable.

I was in your shoes. Contact from them can be a triggering source of ego validation for us but in the long haul it means nothing in terms of getting ourselves on the path to healing.

Spell

[Dog biscuit]

I was in your shoes. Contact from them can be a triggering source of ego validation for us but in the long haul it means nothing in terms of getting ourselves on the path to healing.



Spell

I understand! I have to let go my focus on him and his actions. I have to let go of the drama.  Thanks for the wisdom offered Spell!

[SWLSR]

These people are sick.  they want you around so they can use you.  this is an attempt to keep you around so when they need you they can use you.  if you exit this drama they can't use you

[growing_wings]

biscuit... they try to keep inside our minds... i think they just want to have this presence. they know constant presence in our minds means we cant let them go.

in my view... detachment will happen when they call (silence or not), text, email, take away our friends and we just dont care, truly and deeply we dont care.

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks for your concern and explanation,Ironman, I appreciate it!

Im sorry this happend to you.

I wont let it happen to me, I have this wonderfull little child ( not from exBPDbf) that needs a stable and happy mom, so enough motivation to never get into that hellhole again.

Did you respond to her text messages initially?

No. I ignored them. She baited me by text number 16 or 17. I responded to defend myself. That was the opening she was waiting for. As soon as that happened all her manipulations started coming at me. I literally saw it. I tried to stop her. I was cold on the phone with her. She started crying. Begging me, literally BEGGING and PLEADING for me to let her back into my life. "I want MY man back.", were the words she used. I never heard her like that prior to that. She kept crying. Jesus Christ this is stirring up all these feelings as I remember and write this post.  :'( I tried to keep her at bay. I knew what was going to happen. I knew. And yet, I succumbed. Re-idealization lasted 2 months. As she got really close to me, and I had met her 2 sons in round 2, they started to bond with me; add those 2 things together with her disordered mother adding fuel to the already brewing cauldron(Her mother told her I looked "Gay" in a facebook pic, I had never interacted or met with her mother), which TRIGGERED the start of devaluation. And that was when her other side re-appeared. This time I was present in person to witness this monstrosity(in terms of her behavior towards me and only me). I am sorry. I cannot write anymore. It is too painful for me.  :'( Don't let that person back in.

[RecycledNoMore]

Thanks for your concern and explanation,Ironman, I appreciate it!

Im sorry this happend to you.

I wont let it happen to me, I have this wonderfull little child ( not from exBPDbf) that needs a stable and happy mom, so enough motivation to never get into that hellhole again.

Did you respond to her text messages initially?

No. I ignored them. She baited me by text number 16 or 17. I responded to defend myself. That was the opening she was waiting for. As soon as that happened all her manipulations started coming at me. I literally saw it. I tried to stop her. I was cold on the phone with her. She started crying. Begging me, literally BEGGING and PLEADING for me to let her back into my life. "I want MY man back.", were the words she used. I never heard her like that prior to that. She kept crying. Jesus Christ this is stirring up all these feelings as I remember and write this post.  :'( I tried to keep her at bay. I knew what was going to happen. I knew. And yet, I succumbed. Re-idealization lasted 2 months. As she got really close to me, and I had met her 2 sons in round 2, they started to bond with me; add those 2 things together with her disordered mother adding fuel to the already brewing cauldron(Her mother told her I looked "Gay" in a facebook pic, I had never interacted or met with her mother), which TRIGGERED the start of devaluation. And that was when her other side re-appeared. This time I was present in person to witness this monstrosity(in terms of her behavior towards me and only me). I am sorry. I cannot write anymore. It is too painful for me.  :'( Don't let that person back in.

Arg, I played out this exact same scenario just last week.

Many msgs I ignored, baited, I responded

Blammo!

Blablabalbal

Tells me he loves me

Loves my daughter

Is sorry for everyrhing

I KNEW what would happen

Says hel get help

Im the most important woman in the world

I sign into fb ( his npd paradise)... .

He is laughing with his family about how ugly I am, and how he says he was drunk for our entire 8 yr r/ s.

I KNEW

Dont be me.

Dont let this person back in

[Dog biscuit]

I'm so sorry for the hurt you've all been trough  :'(

Im aware of the dangers of a recycle or re-engagement attempts, I wont give in. Been there, got the shirt and the scars.