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Author Topic: You just can't fix BPD kind of Crazy.  (Read 3390 times)
phantom17

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« on: February 05, 2014, 11:06:19 PM »

Something snapped in me over the course of the past 2 weeks to the point I just don't care about the ex anymore. I don't know what did it, but I'm glad it happened.

Anyway, this is for you folks that are trying to get over your crazy BPD ex & their behavior, and for those of you who are like me and are trying to get over the feeling of weakness that we let this craziness run ours lives for any amount of time past a month or so.

My backstory is much like yours, so I won't go into much detail, except she was a Waif, and I've been trying the past 6 months trying to wrap my head around how I could be so weak minded? Am I weak minded? Am I crazy? Am I nuts?

Possibly. But highly unlikely.

Fortunately, I found this board, and many resources detailing BPD behavior to help me wrap my head around things.

Much of which (unbeknownst to me at the time) were patterns during the relationship, and what transpires after the final breakup including them moving on to the next "victim".

And although everything I experienced leading up to the breakup was laid out like a blueprint here and in other places on the web, I was still uncertain of the blueprint, and if it would hold true going forward as it pertains to my ex.

So, I guess I got a little obsessive in watching and observing patterns in my ex's new relationship and goings on. I won't say exactly how I was able to watch nearly like a fly on the wall, but I will say Facebook and Twitter are your friends if you're trying to recognize and confirm BPD patterns.

In this case it fit like a glove.

Ex and I broke up July 2-3rd, 2013 (just this past summer). By July 5th, just days later, she professed her love for this new guy, and announced their relationship to the world right on Facebook. Just like the blueprint predicted.

Not sure what would happen next, I gave them 6-8 weeks before the guy walked (assuming he had bigger balls than I).

But that's not what happened.

They broke up sometime in August, she deleted him from Facebook... . you know, the works... . I figured that was it... he had enough of her BS and hit the door running.

Not quite. Forgetting about my own history with this woman, I somehow was shocked when they got back together, probably much like we did a million times before.

2nd FB Announcement that they're in a relationship came October... . So to summarize, she had an episode a month after they began dating, and it took another 6 weeks before they made the 2nd coming of their grand love. 

I decided the he.ll with it, I didn't wanna watch anymore and blocked both of them so that I wouldn't look at their FB, although, I still had other ways that I could indirectly hear what was going on.

But what happened next in the blueprint, absolutely STUNNED me. I felt I was over her and the anguish until... .

They got married just 4 months later, at the beginning of January.

Her friends were literally texting me asking "What the heck? She got married?"

I was probably one of the very few outside of her immediate family that knew they were getting married prior to the wedding day (her brothers didn't even know until after the fact), but I played dumb... it still didn't stop anxiety hitting me like a ton of bricks, even though it was all laid out in the BPD blueprint - and I was aware of the plans for marriage several days prior. My back got all knotted up, it was crazy... . anxiety is something else. (story for another time I suppose).

Anyways, over the course of the past month, I slowly began to stop checking in on what was going on... . and 2 weeks ago decided to drop the other sources and just said the heck with it, I don't care anymore. I mean, I do, but not really. Whatever.

Just tonight, against my better judgement, I turned to one of the sources to just see what was up... .  

Turns out, after the marriage, she moved he and his 2 kids, and 2 dogs into her 3 bedroom house. She has 2 children of her own, and only 3 bedrooms, so not sure how that was gonna work to begin with - at this point I don't think it's working at all. The total disregard for her children disgusts me.

Anywho, she's on a friggin rampage with this guy. Probably worse than she ever got with me. And this is just 1 month into their happy marriage.

She's treating him like shi.t, she hates his animals... . and no telling what else. I don't know the gritty details, but I kinda hope he doesn't get punched in the mouth as she's claimed to have done in prior relationships.

I had gone to a therapist right after we broke up to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, and she said, and I quote:

"she treated all of her ex's the same way she treated you, and she'll treat everyone after you the same way. You can't fix these people. And I refuse to try and help them anymore, because they always turn on me for no reason at all."

And she hit the nail on the head. It's come full circle. Friggin LOON.

I don't know what's going to happen with them going forward, I don't even care enough to speculate, but the moral of this post is it's not me. And in your situation, it's not you. It's them. Period.

We are not qualified to fix them. Hell,  most professional therapists who have experience with this disorder want no part in it.

My advice is to learn what you can about the disorder, and forget about them as soon as possible. The cycles you read about here (before, during, and after your relationship) are "dead on balls, accurate" ~ favorite 1-liner from My Cousin VinnySmiling (click to insert in post)

Read it, and believe it.

There are tons of regular healthy folks in this world. All we have to do is go find the one for us. 



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phantom17

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« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2014, 11:07:04 PM »

- sorry, this post was longer than I had anticipated  my baggage
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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2014, 11:12:55 PM »

- sorry, this post was longer than I had anticipated  my baggage

That was a good post, well written. It sounds like you did the right things, even cyberstalking them helped you  Being cool (click to insert in post), though it isn't the right thing to do for all of us (I blocked mine, and will never unblock her). Good job.
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« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2014, 11:19:06 PM »

Hey Phantom:

I'm happy that you're feeling free.  And I agree, learning about the Disorder helped me a lot.  But that was just the beginning for me.  My real recovery began when I was able to depersonalize the behavior, even for small moments, and then look at my FOO issues.

Like why was I so vulnerable to being mirrored and idealized?

Why was I so obsessive?

Why did I lose myself to the disorder?

Why did I stalk her... . even after she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with?

Why did the treatment by her seem familiar?

Why is rescuing so important?

Why am I more of a human doer and than human being?

The list goes on and on and on, and almost all the answers I'm finding are in my FOO issues. And with resolution of many of my FOO crap, I've been able to recover, look myself and other in the eye, and accept who I am.

I hope you continue the journey.  We gain from our work and effort in recovery.  Unlike with our exes where all the effort and pain just amount to greater levels of insanity and destruction.

peace
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 11:22:18 PM »

I cyberstalked mine BAD too... . iPhone tracking, reading backup of her messages a few month after the breakup... . etc.

Guess what... She started her new relationship the day after she broke up with me - I hadn't even moved out of her house. Of course she had him in the pipeline before the breakup.

THANK you for taking your time writing this... . This and the other post I read today:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219306.0

... . has got me thinking how much she disrespected our relationship! And ME.

I should want nothing to do with this person ever again, out of respect for myself.
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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 11:27:28 PM »

Amen to that. They are completely hopeless. I feel like whatever anyone does, these BPD relationships are all doomed because that's just the nature of the beast. Nothing you or I could have done differently would have solved anything.

Sounds like you really dodged a bullet.

I'm glad you stopped caring. I think that's the best way to deal with this. I've been a lot happier since I stopped caring. In my opinion, anyone that gives a damn about a BPD person is just asking for trouble. I say, to hell with them.
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 11:29:56 PM »

I'm happy that you're feeling free.  And I agree, learning about the Disorder helped me a lot.  But that was just the beginning for me.  My real recovery began when I was able to depersonalize the behavior, even for small moments, and then look at my FOO issues.

Like why was I so vulnerable to being mirrored and idealized?

Why was I so obsessive?

Why did I lose myself to the disorder?

Why did I stalk her... . even after she moved in with the guy she cheated on me with?

Why did the treatment by her seem familiar?

Why is rescuing so important?

Why am I more of a human doer and than human being?

GREAT post, tausk!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We detach to give ourselves the chance to address our own issues. Because if we don't figure it out, then we will be susceptible to making the same choices again.
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2014, 11:30:40 PM »

I totally understand the patterns you reference, as i mention them quite a bit on here. Just a little worried that you tracked all of this behavior after the relationship was over( i completely understand during your time with her) I mean, without sounding coarse, how healthy emotionally/mentally was that for you, to observe to such an extent all of that? Honestly speaking.
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2014, 11:48:56 PM »

Phantom, I soo relate to what you just described, even though I am still trying to viscerally wrap my head around the concept that your therapist mentioned: i.e., 'you can't fix these people.'

I am still learning about BPD and from what I am reading (BPD) is a combination of corrupted hardware (the physical, limbic and cortical brain structure) and software (the learned, "imprinted" patterns of belief, interpretation and behavior).

While I have read in many different places that BPD is a "mental illness" (defined as deriving from a neurobiological basis that the person cannot consciously control), it is still difficult for me to conceptualize that a pwBPD cannot control the structure of their thoughts/interpretations and the resulting behaviors. 

This may sound naive but a part of me still wants to believe, on some level, that a pwBPD can change and overcome their BPD.

(Oh, by the way: on a personal level, I knew someone who is a psychologist with 20-plus years in practice. We once talked in-depth about BPD. Not only does he believe that it cannot be significantly altered, he REFUSES under any circumstances to work with a BPD.)
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phantom17

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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2014, 11:57:31 PM »

I wish there were high five buttons on this forum. Thanks for your replies.


I totally understand the patterns you reference, as i mention them quite a bit on here. Just a little worried that you tracked all of this behavior after the relationship was over( i completely understand during your time with her) I mean, without sounding coarse, how healthy emotionally/mentally was that for you, to observe to such an extent all of that? Honestly speaking.

Ironman, it probably wasn't healthy? I don't know. I didn't necessarily stalk them. I had both the new guy and my ex blocked on everything, but I had ways of finding out things indirectly. However, prior to blocking the 2, the only reason I kept up with it is to keep my sanity, and to confirm what both my therapist had told me, and what I've read on here as far as the patterns were concerned.

In that, it was a flying success.

Once I had confirmed the patterns of what I call the blueprint were real, for some reason it put me at ease. I knew I wasn't solely at fault for the craziness.

I knew I had never cheated on her. I knew I had done nothing to risk our relationship. I knew that simply talking to someone at the tennis courts (regardless of gender) is actually okay. I knew that receiving text messages from old friends, phone calls from my grandmother, check in texts or calls from my cousin... .   I knew none of this is a crime, nor is it considered cheating.

But all of that to her was, and for some reason it made me question my own beliefs. That's for sure unhealthy.

So, I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't something I was doing that made her feel that way. She always called me shady. She always went through my phone behind my back writing down numbers and calling them later.

I didn't know the difference between up or down. Left or right.

So, that's why I kept tabs. To confirm my sanity.

Healthy? I dunno. "That's for future scientists to figure out when they study my brain" ~ Big Bang Theory    Smiling (click to insert in post)


And yes, that was one heck of a bullet I was fortunate enough to dodge.
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 11:57:52 PM »

Phantom, I soo relate to what you just described, even though I am still trying to viscerally wrap my head around the concept that your therapist mentioned: i.e., 'you can't fix these people.'

I am still learning about BPD and from what I am reading (BPD) is a combination of corrupted hardware (the physical, limbic and cortical brain structure) and software (the learned, "imprinted" patterns of belief, interpretation and behavior).

While I have read in many different places that BPD is a "mental illness" (defined as deriving from a neurobiological basis that the person cannot consciously control), it is still difficult for me to conceptualize that a pwBPD cannot control the structure of their thoughts/interpretations and the resulting behaviors. 

This may sound naive but a part of me still wants to believe, on some level, that a pwBPD can change and overcome their BPD.

(Oh, by the way: on a personal level, I knew someone who is a psychologist with 20-plus years in practice. We once talked in-depth about BPD. Not only does he believe that it cannot be significantly altered, he REFUSES under any circumstances to work with a BPD.)

There are a few instances of self curing ones, but you can count them on one hand... at least publically. And the BPD never completely goes away, they just learn to control it.
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« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2014, 12:08:20 AM »

Phantom, has your ex had a professional BPD diagnosis that you're aware of?
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phantom17

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« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2014, 12:15:56 AM »

Phantom, I soo relate to what you just described, even though I am still trying to viscerally wrap my head around the concept that your therapist mentioned: i.e., 'you can't fix these people.'

I am still learning about BPD and from what I am reading (BPD) is a combination of corrupted hardware (the physical, limbic and cortical brain structure) and software (the learned, "imprinted" patterns of belief, interpretation and behavior).

While I have read in many different places that BPD is a "mental illness" (defined as deriving from a neurobiological basis that the person cannot consciously control), it is still difficult for me to conceptualize that a pwBPD cannot control the structure of their thoughts/interpretations and the resulting behaviors. 

This may sound naive but a part of me still wants to believe, on some level, that a pwBPD can change and overcome their BPD.

(Oh, by the way: on a personal level, I knew someone who is a psychologist with 20-plus years in practice. We once talked in-depth about BPD. Not only does he believe that it cannot be significantly altered, he REFUSES under any circumstances to work with a BPD.)

You'll get it figured out. For me, having a specialist tell us exactly what you wrote in that last paragraph is enough for me to not even question or try to understand it. But it was enough to coerce me into proving they were right by simply monitoring the behavior. Once it was proven, hey, that woman is somebody else's problem now.

They're good people. They can control their behavior to a degree, but what they cannot control are their feelings. And that's what causes the bad behavior.

I'll tell you a quick story. My ex and I went round and round about her accusations. On more than several occasions, I firmly suggested she control herself. That I would not continue to put up with her behavior.

That's when she could control it. However, the saddest part is that even though she was able to control her outward behavior towards me for short periods of time, I could look into her eyes and tell it was as if something was eating her alive. It was as if she wanted to have an outburst. As if she wanted to make up some BS to accuse me of cheating, but she knew if she did within a certain short time period I would walk.

I was able to control her outbursts to some extent, but it would eat at her until she could no longer hold it in.

I notice this on several occasions... and I would walk, but always took her back.

It ended by her hand. She broke up with me. She had total control of the outcome of the relationship at that point, and she had me replaced. That's why she ended it. And, honestly, that's the only way it was going to end.

Early in the relationship, within the first few months, she literally told me she had already broken up with me in her mind so that she could deal with the inevitable.

I brushed it off. We lasted 3 years. Two and a half of them were miserable as hell.

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« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2014, 12:24:35 AM »

Phantom, has your ex had a professional BPD diagnosis that you're aware of?

She's been diagnosed with something, but would never tell me what it was. I suspect they diagnosed her bi-polar, because they gave her meds. This was before we were together. She was off meds when I met her, and refused to get help. Because I told her, and this was before I knew anything about Borderline, I told her "If you want us to be together you need professional help, because I am not qualified to help whatever it is that's going on." She said she would, then after her next outburst when I brought it up again, she said "it won't help, there's nothing they can do."

It's not out of the realm of possibility she was diagnosed borderline, and was prescribed bi-polar meds.

Based on everything she's exhibited and told me, I took the list to my therapist... . I asked her what she thought. "Am I crazy? Or is there something going on here that I don't see."

She said, "it sounds like borderline personality disorder to me".

There's no way for me to know absolutely certain unless she told me, but based on her behavior and everything she's told me, and everything I've read... . she's highly suspect. 
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« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2014, 12:26:30 AM »

They can control their behavior to a degree, but what they cannot control are their feelings. And that's what causes the bad behavior.

That's when she could control it. However, the saddest part is that even though she was able to control her outward behavior towards me for short periods of time, I could look into her eyes and tell it was as if something was eating her alive. It was as if she wanted to have an outburst. As if she wanted to make up some BS to accuse me of cheating, but she knew if she did within a certain short time period I would walk.

I was able to control her outbursts to some extent, but it would eat at her until she could no longer hold it in.


Phantom, two GREAT points. Thank you for clarifying my conceptualizations.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  
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phantom17

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« Reply #15 on: February 06, 2014, 12:47:54 AM »

They can control their behavior to a degree, but what they cannot control are their feelings. And that's what causes the bad behavior.

That's when she could control it. However, the saddest part is that even though she was able to control her outward behavior towards me for short periods of time, I could look into her eyes and tell it was as if something was eating her alive. It was as if she wanted to have an outburst. As if she wanted to make up some BS to accuse me of cheating, but she knew if she did within a certain short time period I would walk.

I was able to control her outbursts to some extent, but it would eat at her until she could no longer hold it in.


Phantom, two GREAT points. Thank you for clarifying my conceptualizations.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

glad I could help Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It's a process figuring this stuff out for sure. I found it easier to not concern myself with the "why's", because the pros don't even know why. 
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« Reply #16 on: February 06, 2014, 12:48:02 AM »

But the BPD presents to the rest of the world with full control over there emotions, correct? I thought it was only the person in the primary relationship that they act out on. Is this correct?

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« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2014, 01:00:00 AM »

But the BPD presents to the rest of the world with full control over there emotions, correct? I thought it was only the person in the primary relationship that they act out on. Is this correct?

correct. however, I did observe her acting out on her daughter more than a few times. Which was extremely awkward, and it broke my heart seeing the little girls face in total disbelief.

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« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2014, 01:01:03 AM »

Arn131: It is the high functioning BPD that can outwardly mask themselves to the outside world -- or at least those they are not TOO close with.

From what I have read and personally experienced, it is basically only the people that they are emotionally intimate with/connected to/dependent upon, on whom they unload their dysregulated sense of self.

BTW, this ("thread"?) is a GREAT topic!
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phantom17

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« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2014, 01:02:59 AM »

But the BPD presents to the rest of the world with full control over there emotions, correct? I thought it was only the person in the primary relationship that they act out on. Is this correct?

Also, from experience, some of my exs "supposed" best friends knew something was a little off with her. But I'm unaware of any acting out toward them in.
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« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2014, 01:04:48 AM »

Arn131: It is the high functioning BPD that can outwardly mask themselves to the outside world -- or at least those they are not TOO close with.

From what I have read and personally experienced, it is basically only the people that they are emotionally intimate with/connected to/dependent upon, on whom they unload their dysregulated sense of self.

That's what I meant to say!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2014, 01:30:28 AM »

Phantom, click this link ----> www.owndoc.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder-cause-therapy/ 

(I hope that link activates; a great, though morose, article concerning BPD.)
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« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2014, 04:02:46 AM »

Love that post.

I had pretty much the same thing. She was also a Waif type and moved on to her next victim a couple of weeks after we broke up. I was shocked because she claimed that I was her first boyfriend and she was a virgin when we met. I couldn't believe that my "innocent" ex would date someone else so quickly, especially since she was still saying "I love you" a couple of days before we broke up.

Anyway, after 3 month of NC I realized that I definitely wasn't the problem of our relationship. It was her and there is no way she will become normal again with the next guy. And even if she does, I don't care anymore because I reached the point where I don't want this girl anymore.

I want a girlfriend who makes me happy and not blames me for her self created miserable life.

And being single also starts to be fun.
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« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2014, 07:35:05 AM »

I woke up very malevolent and bitter towards my exgf this morning (diagnosed).  I keep playing that scene in the "Exorcist" where a possessed Regan looks at her mother and says "do you know what your daughter did?".  There may be a sweet, innocent "Regan" inside of my ex but I'm not going to play the Priest and try to perform the exorcism on her.  And I need to stop checking her and my replacement's fb as well; it does me no good.  Good topic btw.
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« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2014, 11:23:49 AM »

Phantom, click this link ----> www.owndoc.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder-cause-therapy/ 

(I hope that link activates; a great, though morose, article concerning BPD.)

Thanks WMO. This is a good article, and explains the good side of BPD. It also gives us false hope that we could actually make a relationship with BPD work, which I think is improbable. Here's some extracted text from the article under the heading: Borderliners need love and want to give it, too

Excerpt
Borderliners are misunderstood. Some call them “emotional vampires”, a bottomless pit for love, a one-way street, unable to reciprocate on affection, using people for temporary relief and discarding them as used bubble gum. The borderline person comes across that way due to a total lack of love throughout their entire childhood. It should not come as a surprise that borderliners have one gigantic need: The need to feel loved. No person has a greater need for genuine affection than the borderliner. A borderliner needs love like a person with scurvy needs vitamin C. And they desperately want to give themselves to those they feel affection for – but they often have great difficulty doing so. Borderliners are so emotionally insecure that it is easy to hurt them. And because they have never experienced the safety of the knowledge of being loved, they’ll “split” you one way or the other: They will immediately and often permanently reclassify you from “friendly” to “hostile”, and a small perceived slight can terminate a relationship before it had a chance to come to fruition.

This oversensitive black-and-white thinking may make borderliners look “needy”, but that would be oversimplification.  Their sense of belonging in the relationship need regular reinforcement in the form of tenderly expressed physical affection and a genuine interest in, and respect of their persona. If that condition is fulfilled, they can become loyal partners, even when things aren’t always perfect. in the relationship. Borderliners do very badly with people who make careless hurtful remarks or who are unable to regularly express affection. A borderliner’s fragile sense of acceptence easily becomes a feeling of being a tolerated burden. He will never again want to be an undesirable element and thus will crudely cancel a relationship in which he is hurt once too often.

The above text alone makes me feel as if we could make it work. Makes me feel sorry for them, and makes me want to make it work.

However... .

Excerpt
Self-treating Borderline Personality Disorder

There are ways in which the borderliner can undo a little of the damage inflicted to him. The best thing a borderliner can do to partially heal himself is to be around people who give him the feeling of being loved and accepted. The more a borderliner experiences affection, the more often he is treated kindly, the more self esteem and confidence is built up. The fragile self  is slowly bolstered and it becomes possible to see people as more colorful entities than merely black and white, good or bad, loving or indifferent.

Herein lies the problem (bolded). It's been my experience that you can give them as much affection as you can possibly give. You can give your everything, but will not be enough. They need not only your affection, but the feeling of acceptance from everyone around them. And unless "everyone around them" knows they need to take extra care in dealing with this person, it will never happen.

Because they are so sensitive to feelings of abandonment and not being loved, it will ALWAYS come back to you regardless of the amount of affection and love you give them. I've tried it and have seen it fail.

Here's a real life example of what I mean by this, and my experience - (some things in this story have been slightly altered, bc I don't want my ex to happen across this forum and put 2 and 2 together):

Ex is a part of a "social activity group" in which they participate as a team. Like any team, some members get to play, and some members have to sit. Meaning if there are 5 people on the field, there may be 8 players on the team, 3 of which sit on a rotating basis.

When it's time for my ex to "sit", she feels as if she's not good enough. Splits everyone on the team black, and hates them - "because they don't like her" - even when she's the captain of the team, understands the dynamic of the rotation, and is in total control of the playing roster. Meaning, she says, "Okay, you 5 will play today, and us 3 will sit today"

Well, both her team and my team made it to the State Tournament. My team totally got our ass.es kicked. Her team was literally strongest team in the women's division and made it to the finals. If they win, the team as a whole advances to the next tournament which would be regional (playing against other state champions).

I stuck around to watch the finals and to cheer for them.

Remember, she is captain and controls the roster for the final game. She sat herself out. However, she resented every one of the other players for not standing up and saying "hey, I'll sit out, you play". And literally told me "I hate everyone of them".

I'm like whoah. "It's okay, if you want to play, just put yourself in. Otherwise, let's just cheer them on and hope ya'll win."   

So the game begins, and she sits out.

She's not cheering, but I am. Actually, not only is she not cheering, she's seething up and down the sidelines.

At the end of the day, she accuses me of wanting to sleep with some of her teammates, because I cheered for ALL of them on during the game.

She looked like, again, something was eating her inside. Even though she was pissed at her teammates, she literally used me as a whipping boy for it.

I can only speculate, but I guess she projected her feelings of abandonment from her teammates on to me, and since I cheered for them, she felt abandoned by me as well.

Regardless of how affectionate I would have been towards her there, she still had the feeling of "abandonment", and took it out on me.

I ended up walking out and driving home.

So, the point is, they need to feel acceptance from every angle at all times, otherwise those closest to her will be on the receiving end of her raw emotions.

In the end, no matter how much you accept them, no matter how affectionate you are towards them, if they don't feel it from those around them as well, that's your as.s if you don't take her side and express discontent for those they see as "against them".

I believe their emotions come down to this: "Either you're with me in my mayhem, my thoughts, and my feelings, or you're against me. And you better be with me, or you're gonna get it."

Fixing this is highly improbable. And likely impossible.

At least, that's my experience.













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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2014, 12:14:16 PM »

However... .

Excerpt
Self-treating Borderline Personality Disorder

There are ways in which the borderliner can undo a little of the damage inflicted to him. The best thing a borderliner can do to partially heal himself is to be around people who give him the feeling of being loved and accepted. The more a borderliner experiences affection, the more often he is treated kindly, the more self esteem and confidence is built up. The fragile self  is slowly bolstered and it becomes possible to see people as more colorful entities than merely black and white, good or bad, loving or indifferent.

Be very careful about what you hear and read, especially on the internet.  The above paragraph is a perfect example. IMHO, there is nothing in this article that should be taken as fact.  Moreover, look at the advertising on the side of the website.  It's mainly scams as well. Con artist work best with the deperate.   Bunk cures for terminal cancer, feed on the shred of hope/uncertainty that things might be able to be different.  

And for us ex partners, add the FOG and FOO issues and we're the perfect grift.  I'm not saying that the entire article is wrong, but it's impossible to figure out what is fact or not. And it's not written for a pwBPD.  The article is written to provide malignant hope to the partners.  A marriage counselor could use this above philosophy as fact, and suck $200 a week out of a couple for years.  

"Just support her more and she'll get better…."

It's hard enough detaching, and giving up malignant hope.  Having a professional tell you that you can have hope that your partner wBPD will change if you just change, could cause you to waste a lifetime.  

Poster 2010 often states that a pwBPD needs to go through abandonment depression.  They need to be alone and got through their therapy alone.  Almost all decent medical professionals in the field will state that a pwBPD needs to learn the coping skills of "self-soothing."  

The above paragraph is in direct contradiction with the prescribed school of thought.  So,... IMHO….The whole article is bunch of junk because it's impossible to decipher what is fact and what is fiction.    And having a little shred of incorrect information is much more dangerous than no information at all.  If there were easy cures for BPD and relationship fixes, why are there so few success stories?  Some people win the Powerball.  Are you going with gamble your life in being the one BPD-Powerball winner that has a partner wBPD actually recover?

The question I need to answer is not about my ex wBPD, but rather why did I lose myself to the Disorder.
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phantom17

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Posts: 39


« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2014, 12:20:13 PM »

However... .

Excerpt
Self-treating Borderline Personality Disorder

There are ways in which the borderliner can undo a little of the damage inflicted to him. The best thing a borderliner can do to partially heal himself is to be around people who give him the feeling of being loved and accepted. The more a borderliner experiences affection, the more often he is treated kindly, the more self esteem and confidence is built up. The fragile self  is slowly bolstered and it becomes possible to see people as more colorful entities than merely black and white, good or bad, loving or indifferent.

Be very careful about what you hear and read, especially on the internet.  The above paragraph is a perfect example. IMHO, there is nothing in this article that should be taken as fact.  Moreover, look at the advertising on the side of the website.  It's mainly scams as well. Con artist work best with the deperate.   Bunk cures for terminal cancer, feed on the shred of hope/uncertainty that things might be able to be different.  

And for us ex partners, add the FOG and FOO issues and we're the perfect grift.  I'm not saying that the entire article is wrong, but it's impossible to figure out what is fact or not. And it's not written for a pwBPD.  The article is written to provide malignant hope to the partners.  A marriage counselor could use this above philosophy as fact, and suck $200 a week out of a couple for years.  

"Just support her more and she'll get better…."

It's hard enough detaching, and giving up malignant hope.  Having a professional tell you that you can have hope that your partner wBPD will change if you just change, could cause you to waste a lifetime.  

Poster 2010 states often that a pwBPD needs to go through abandonment depression.  They need to be alone and got through their therapy alone.  Almost all decent medical professionals in the field will state that a pwBPD needs to learn the coping skills of "self-soothing."  

The above paragraph is in direct contradiction with the prescribed school of thought.  So,... IMHO….The whole article is bunch of junk because it's impossible to decipher what is fact and what is fiction.    

The question I need to answer is not about my ex wBPD, but rather why did I lose myself to the Disorder.

Amen to that.
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shellsh0cked
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2014, 12:45:28 PM »

Phantom, has your ex had a professional BPD diagnosis that you're aware of?

She's been diagnosed with something, but would never tell me what it was. I suspect they diagnosed her bi-polar, because they gave her meds. This was before we were together. She was off meds when I met her, and refused to get help. Because I told her, and this was before I knew anything about Borderline, I told her "If you want us to be together you need professional help, because I am not qualified to help whatever it is that's going on." She said she would, then after her next outburst when I brought it up again, she said "it won't help, there's nothing they can do."

It's not out of the realm of possibility she was diagnosed borderline, and was prescribed bi-polar meds.

Based on everything she's exhibited and told me, I took the list to my therapist... . I asked her what she thought. "Am I crazy? Or is there something going on here that I don't see."

She said, "it sounds like borderline personality disorder to me".

There's no way for me to know absolutely certain unless she told me, but based on her behavior and everything she's told me, and everything I've read... . she's highly suspect.  

Same thing with me dude... . We even took a personality quiz... . she scored really high on borderline traits.  About 50% higher than "normal"... . whatever normal is... . FREAKED her out... . I wasn't surprised honestly.  She totally denied that too... . My therapist told me the same thing.  Her best friend came up with that on her own as well without discussing it with me.  The behavior she exhibits I think is classic of 7 of the 9 symptoms... . her sister says she has all nine.  My therapist confirmed at my last session he was sure of her being borderline because it sounded to him exactly what he went through with one!  He of course didn't tell me that until the last time I saw him.  Creepy huh?  

I would bet my LIFE on it... . She's surrounded by enablers that keep her going on like she is.  It's kinda pathetic... . but as you said... . She isn't MY problem anymore.  I feel sorry for the next fool that gets involved with her.  Outside of the sex, there is NO value to a relationship with that psychopath.
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phantom17

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Posts: 39


« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2014, 12:53:17 PM »

Phantom, has your ex had a professional BPD diagnosis that you're aware of?

She's been diagnosed with something, but would never tell me what it was. I suspect they diagnosed her bi-polar, because they gave her meds. This was before we were together. She was off meds when I met her, and refused to get help. Because I told her, and this was before I knew anything about Borderline, I told her "If you want us to be together you need professional help, because I am not qualified to help whatever it is that's going on." She said she would, then after her next outburst when I brought it up again, she said "it won't help, there's nothing they can do."

It's not out of the realm of possibility she was diagnosed borderline, and was prescribed bi-polar meds.

Based on everything she's exhibited and told me, I took the list to my therapist... . I asked her what she thought. "Am I crazy? Or is there something going on here that I don't see."

She said, "it sounds like borderline personality disorder to me".

There's no way for me to know absolutely certain unless she told me, but based on her behavior and everything she's told me, and everything I've read... . she's highly suspect.  

Same thing with me dude... . We even took a personality quiz... . she scored really high on borderline traits.  About 50% higher than "normal"... . whatever normal is... . FREAKED her out... . I wasn't surprised honestly.  She totally denied that too... . My therapist told me the same thing.  Her best friend came up with that on her own as well without discussing it with me.  The behavior she exhibits I think is classic of 7 of the 9 symptoms... . her sister says she has all nine.  My therapist confirmed at my last session he was sure of her being borderline because it sounded to him exactly what he went through with one!  He of course didn't tell me that until the last time I saw him.  Creepy huh?  

I would bet my LIFE on it... . She's surrounded by enablers that keep her going on like she is.  It's kinda pathetic... . but as you said... . She isn't MY problem anymore.  I feel sorry for the next fool that gets involved with her.  Outside of the sex, there is NO value to a relationship with that psychopath.

yeah, if you get close enough to the person, you can take the test yourself knowing the answers they've already given.

I think I scored mine at 8 of 9, excluding self mutilation... however, it can't really be excluded, because she was always picking at one particular spot on the side of her jaw nearly everyday. Without makeup, it was almost an open wound. Since she gobbed make up over it, it was an after thought to me. But she always had some burn or some sh.it on her from her curling iron or whatever.

So, new score 9 of 9.

Insane isn't it? I'm thinking of buying an online Psychology Degree and putting up a shingle  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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