One forward, two back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Roughly 8 weeks NC now, and thought I was doing well, until admitting to myself last week that I'm not as good as I was telling myself.

I had a broken nights sleep interrupted by several dreams about my ex & the new white knight.

Woke this morning feeling cr@p & took myself for a walk. The gods must be really pi$$ed with me at the moment... . I was less than 15 minutes into my walk & she drove past me in his £50,000 motor. I don't think she realized it was me, but it was a huge trigger for me. I struggled to hold myself together, thinking about the honeymoon phase they're enjoying. How wonderful things must be for him while she worships him in every sense. I knew I shouldn't do this but my mind just wouldn't let the thoughts change topic, more I tried, more I seemed stuck in thinking about it.

I was incredibly jealous & bitter that he's being worshiped by this beautiful woman, and she's enjoying all the benefits of wealth (his).

He's just recieved a 18 month driving ban, so she's got full time use of his flash b@stard car! Although she has to drive ALL THE TIME if he can't. Hence her being insured for it. So I'm hoping (spitefully I suppose & should be bigger than that), regardless of the luxury car status, that this becomes a bone of contention between them & causes arguments. 2.5 tonnes of ball & chain for her when being at his beck n call as chauffeur loses its novelty?

Then, on my way home I stopped at my favorite coffee spot. The guy who works in there knows both me & my ex. He didn't hold back telling me how much my ex was enjoying herself & seemed so happy. he told me all about how her bloke's paying for this and paying for that. "treats her like a goddess Moonie, she's really landed on her feet. She brought him in the other day, he's a nice guy too".

Was enough to almost make me sick, he even told me it's about time I was dating! (he's no idea about what I've been through).

I pretended I was pleased to hear she's doing well, and nonchalantly acted the 'I'm over it' scene out!

I took my take away coffee & shuffled off home feeling like a total nobody. A lonely, under-achieving, worthless tw@t!

I tell myself I'm better than this, worth more than this. But at the moment I just don't believe myself!

The consummate performer, the clown, the guy that makes everyone feel good, the life & soul of the party... . Has finally been broken & is totally out of 'show'.

I'm not who I was & don't know how to find him again.

Just venting I suppose. Thanks  Moonie.

[Moonie75]

Roughly 8 weeks NC now, and thought I was doing well, until admitting to myself last week that I'm not as good as I was telling myself.

I had a broken nights sleep interrupted by several dreams about my ex & the new white knight.

Woke this morning feeling cr@p & took myself for a walk. The gods must be really pi$$ed with me at the moment... . I was less than 15 minutes into my walk & she drove past me in his £50,000 motor. I don't think she realized it was me, but it was a huge trigger for me. I struggled to hold myself together, thinking about the honeymoon phase they're enjoying. How wonderful things must be for him while she worships him in every sense. I knew I shouldn't do this but my mind just wouldn't let the thoughts change topic, more I tried, more I seemed stuck in thinking about it.

I was incredibly jealous & bitter that he's being worshiped by this beautiful woman, and she's enjoying all the benefits of wealth (his).

He's just recieved a 18 month driving ban, so she's got full time use of his flash b@stard car! Although she has to drive ALL THE TIME if he can't. Hence her being insured for it. So I'm hoping (spitefully I suppose & should be bigger than that), regardless of the luxury car status, that this becomes a bone of contention between them & causes arguments. 2.5 tonnes of ball & chain for her when being at his beck n call as chauffeur loses its novelty?

Then, on my way home I stopped at my favorite coffee spot. The guy who works in there knows both me & my ex. He didn't hold back telling me how much my ex was enjoying herself & seemed so happy. he told me all about how her bloke's paying for this and paying for that. "treats her like a goddess Moonie, she's really landed on her feet. She brought him in the other day, he's a nice guy too".

Was enough to almost make me sick, he even told me it's about time I was dating! (he's no idea about what I've been through).

I pretended I was pleased to hear she's doing well, and nonchalantly acted the 'I'm over it' scene out!

I took my take away coffee & shuffled off home feeling like a total nobody. A lonely, under-achieving, worthless tw@t!

I tell myself I'm better than this, worth more than this. But at the moment I just don't believe myself!

The consummate performer, the clown, the guy that makes everyone feel good, the life & soul of the party... . Has finally been broken & is totally out of 'show'.

I'm not who I was & don't know how to find him again.

Just venting I suppose. Thanks  Moonie.

[Waifed]

I think it is good to feel the pain every now and again. We will all get through this eventually. As for her living it up, may she enjoy it now because it will all come to an end. If money could buy her way out of BPD she would exchange every red cent that he has. Problem is money can not fix the misery that is cloaked beneath the facade she lives daily. The relationship will all crumble just like all the other ones have in her life. Keep getting well Moonie and don't deny yourself the ability to feel the pain when it shows up. We are all in this together.

[Want2know]

Thoughts are just thoughts... . it's the feelings that accompany those thoughts that need to be sorted out.  You have some history with these feelings and they aren't going to go away overnight.

Like Waifed said, it's important to feel these things and work through them.  Bottling that stuff up isn't helpful.  Applying your wise mind to those feelings is not easy - it can be done with determination and realizing that you have much more to offer this world than that which comes from monetary wealth.

[Moonie75]

Thank you Waifed.

Looking back, often times the better I treated her the worse things got. It was almost like she didn't think she was worthy & sabotaged situations that were to be a 'treat'. Yet, given far more than I ever could provide, she's loving it & behaving!

Jeysus it ___s me off!

[Tincup]

Moonie--hang in there, you are doing better than you might think. You and I seem to be running parallel with recovering from this mess.

I realized something in the past few days due to a text I got from my ex. She is broken, I don't care how she appears on the outside. I kept trying to reconcile the longing for the 80% good woman with the 20% bad one. But I realized it is only ONE woman and 100% of her has an illness. She will not change, and I cannot adapt to a mental illness.

So cut yourself some slack. You know the true reality here because you LIVED it

[Moonie75]

W2K,

Yes you're right I do have a history with these feelings. It's like a repeat of my marriage failing (which was previous relationship to uBPDex). Second time I've endured watching an ex lord it up while I try to heal.

$hite isn't it!


Tincup,

Yeah I know my ex is broken. That's the bummer, I should want her to 'honeymoon' forever with the replacement so she never reappears in my life again. Such contradictions between brain & heart!

[Waifed]

Thank you Waifed.

Looking back, often times the better I treated her the worse things got. It was almost like she didn't think she was worthy & sabotaged situations that were to be a 'treat'. Yet, given far more than I ever could provide, she's loving it & behaving!

Jeysus it ___s me off!

She is behaving the same way with him but is likely in over her head. That added stress will just accelerate things.

BTW, I got totally piss faced for the first time in 5 months last night and tried to text my ex. Luckily I was too messed up to remember how to manually add her number and text. My buddy was bhiting at me the whole time telling me not to do it!  I inadvertently dodged a major bullet because I was so ___faced. My point is we all have moments during our healing and it is what it is.  These moments that we are currently living will dull in our memories over time and will all seem so silly looking back.

[Want2know]

I know this sucks - those voices in our heads that we allow to defeat us in certain moments.

The trick is to recognize it early, which you have by sharing it with us, and then talk back to those voices.  :)o you really think that you are less worthy of a person because you don't have the money that these other guys have?

I wanted to add that this is more about you than it is about her false portrayal of being happy or the wealth factor.

If you felt better about yourself you'd smirk at the comments the guy at the coffee place said and go along your merry way.

[Pearl55]

Moonie

I compelety understand your feelings. The more beautiful and intelligent they are the more gold diggers they are. feel sorry for that man how he's trapped by a cunning actress!

[Moonie75]

Waifed,

Your post made me chuckle imagining you pi$$ed & fumbling with yer phone while yer mate goes nuts at ya. Yeah we all have boozed up moments. 

W2K,

I agree that I do need to feel better about my self worth & look at this some. Also, his wealth can't fix her or change her from being what she is.

Pearl,

She ironically, used to get quite on her soapbox about 'gold diggers'! So much so I used to wonder why she was so vocal with these views. "Me think she doth protest too much her innocence"?

I guess she's really pulling all the stops out to keep her act up with this guy. She's playing for the jackpot this time!

[growing_wings]

hey Moonie,

today you had a bad day... . so, let it be so you can let it go.

I think is part of the healing process to go through up and down phases. You WILL get through this, no doubt, be patient with yourself, with your emotions. Dont bury them. Is better to feel them now.

Now as for her, remember, pwBPD wears masks, they live a life of lies... lots of them, you know that. Hold onto the knowledge you know of her to understand this is just a honeymoon period (if anything, recall pwBPD are experts at showing to the world how amazing they are, is part of their system, is an ACT).

Do something tomorrow: do not let anyone who cant live their own lives and feel their own feelings make you feel like a "nobody", just focus on that. Takes a lot of courage and strength to abandon a pwBPD, because is HARD, because for a while it will HURT, but then, you will be free, and if you play your cards right (which you are doing) you will be a much stronger and grounded person internally and externally

be well

[myself]

the guy that makes everyone feel good

If this is who you are, you can be that for yourself. So many of us here put ourselves out for someone else and neglected taking care of ourselves. We were fine when there were illusions but feel uncertain and lost when there aren't. Real happiness takes time to build. It doesn't come from running away while driving someone else's expensive car, putting on an unsustainable act. Maybe she really IS happier now. Part of letting go is to accept all possibilities. Making the best of today. Do this for yourself, Moonie. Take another step forward. And then another. You can do it. Be the life of your own party.

[RecycledNoMore]

Oh Moonie hugs my friend, it sucks when you think your doing well then you hit a snag and fall a little its ok mate youl get through this as you have done before, you know the facts, you know she will end up annihalating the poor sod shes with... .

And doing it all again, just be glad your out of the BPD loopdy loop!

What happened to your regimine of " brandy, masturbation an loud rock music"? LOL!

Remember, this is the girl who suggested a PIG instead of therapy !

You will be ok moonie.

[Moonie75]

Oh Moonie hugs my friend, it sucks when you think your doing well then you hit a snag and fall a little its ok mate youl get through this as you have done before, you know the facts, you know she will end up annihalating the poor sod shes with... .

And doing it all again, just be glad your out of the BPD loopdy loop!

What happened to your regimine of " brandy, masturbation an loud rock music"? LOL!

Remember, this is the girl who suggested a PIG instead of therapy !

You will be ok moonie.

Recycled,

Thank yo so much! You just made me roar laughing at your post!

Yeah the regime isn't such a bad one. 

And thanks for the reminder about the pigs.  

Thanks again chuck xx

[arn131arn]

Thank you Waifed.

Looking back, often times the better I treated her the worse things got. It was almost like she didn't think she was worthy & sabotaged situations that were to be a 'treat'. Yet, given far more than I ever could provide, she's loving it & behaving!

Jeysus it ___s me off!

Moone, this sounds just like me, bro.  Whenever things were going good, she would create chaos to bring us back down. 

Is there something you can do tday for you?  Something about yourself that you can look at and say, ":)amn that's a good part of Moonie, that I really like, that the world really likes?", and be happy for that?

[Moonie75]

Thank you Waifed.

Looking back, often times the better I treated her the worse things got. It was almost like she didn't think she was worthy & sabotaged situations that were to be a 'treat'. Yet, given far more than I ever could provide, she's loving it & behaving!

Jeysus it ___s me off!

Moone, this sounds just like me, bro.  Whenever things were going good, she would create chaos to bring us back down. 

Is there something you can do tday for you?  Something about yourself that you can look at and say, ":)amn that's a good part of Moonie, that I really like, that the world really likes?", and be happy for that?

YES mate.

I'm probably one of the best drummers in the United Kingdom. I never saw a drummer that I couldn't obliterate. I've never auditioned for a gig, I get in by reputation alone! I don't go around like some big headed ar$e, because I quietly know myself "i've got it".

I'm also exceptionally good at getting in to trouble. Not usually serious, but sometimes, if I put my mind to it, I can get there effortlessly!

[Moonie75]

And I'm a brilliant shagger!

[Want2know]

W2K,

I agree that I do need to feel better about my self worth & look at this some.

I did some reading today about self-esteem, what a low self-esteem stems from, and how to build it in a healthy manner, and I found some interesting information regarding having a healthy self-esteem vs. an inflated ego.  I struggle with this, too, at times.  

Too much ego can give us an exaggerated sense of how we perceive ourselves.  

Self-esteem is the window through which we see what we are capable of. If we have a strong self-esteem, we trust that we know what is right for us at any given time. We are in touch with our authentic self.  This is very different than being great at this or that.  My guess is when you are drumming you are in touch with your authentic self.  An amazing feeling, but it's not that you are an amazing drummer (not to say that you aren't), it's that you are in tune or in touch with who you are and expressing that with your whole heart.

Honesty within ourselves and to others is very important. Pride and arrogance (or an inflated ego) cause dissociation in relationships.  There is a middle ground between low self-esteem and an inflated ego - where does your middle ground lie?

You touched upon this in your Personal Inventory thread - might be a good thing to meander over there again when you are ready.  

[arn131arn]

Thank you Waifed.

Looking back, often times the better I treated her the worse things got. It was almost like she didn't think she was worthy & sabotaged situations that were to be a 'treat'. Yet, given far more than I ever could provide, she's loving it & behaving!

Jeysus it ___s me off!

Moone, this sounds just like me, bro.  Whenever things were going good, she would create chaos to bring us back down. 

Is there something you can do tday for you?  Something about yourself that you can look at and say, ":)amn that's a good part of Moonie, that I really like, that the world really likes?", and be happy for that?

YES mate.

I'm probably one of the best drummers in the United Kingdom. I never saw a drummer that I couldn't obliterate. I've never auditioned for a gig, I get in by reputation alone! I don't go around like some big headed ar$e, because I quietly know myself "i've got it".

I'm also exceptionally good at getting in to trouble. Not usually serious, but sometimes, if I put my mind to it, I can get there effortlessly!

LOL! Are you friggin kidding me?  Chicks dig the drummers, hell, you could have three of them backstage everynight if you wanted to!

All kidding aside, I do hope you get to feeling better about you.  I know it's going to be up and down for a while.  So, I think it's best to accept that that is how it will be for a while, and deal with it when it comes back, and enjoy it when it's gone.

[Ceide]

WOW Moonie you made me roar laughing tonight with your "regime" and being a "brilliant shagger"!

Needed that laugh!  Thanks!

Laughing with friends over this definitely helps some, doesn't it?

I'll share with you something that has occasionally helped me (when I've had the replacement BS hit me between the eyes, kick in the gut, make me physically ill, all of that), I tell myself "At least I can leave him.  He can't leave himself.  He's stuck with himself for life." 

Everyone on these boards - we are all moving on and growing, which takes so much courage and strength, unlike many of our exes, who are stuck repeating the same old cycles.

Hang in there!

[Moonie75]

Thank you for the tip Ceide, it did help a little, I'll remember that.

Yes laughter among these boards does help. I believe it helps more than we realize too?

It touches me that in the vast sea of heartache that this forum is, the people here still manage to make each other smile & sometimes laugh out loud, during the hardest emotional experiences. I think that say a lot about people here.

And if i can make a broken heart laugh for a moment I'm proud of that. I also hope the people who manage to give me a giggle during their own pains, realize how special they are too?

[BeHappyAgain]

It SUCKS to be in that place.

I know because I've been there.

Having traveled through it I can tell you that I believe the mechanics of it are pretty simple.

The low self esteem was always there - its just that she woke it from its semi slumber,

its their abandoning us that re-opens wounds we've learned to ignore all our adult life.

Described very well here    /anycost.html

Here is the thing, that low self esteem is free floating - in other words it will attach itself to

anything - any situation - any scenario will serve.

With you its that this latest herbert has got a few bob under the matress.

So that's what it [this free floating low self worth] has attached itself too.

Now your beating yourself up about having [relatively] less money.

With me its was my uExBPDgf getting an 'exciting' job in the emergency services

[lots of attention, drama, trauma on tap].

Soon as she got the job [which she would not have without my help] I got dumped.

Que me feeling DEAD for months - beating myself up that I was am IT wallah

who basically stares at numbers on a screen.

Beating myself up for feeling so weak compared to the men she was now working [and the rest] with.

But my T identified some loses I had experienced in childhood that matched this.

I mean we all self assort the people we're attracted to based on childhood stuff right?

Anyway - here's one of the childhood bonding traumas my T said was significant...

when I was 5 my two elder sisters [who had done a lot of my care giving due to my mothers injured back]

were 15 and 17

At the age of 5 we are 'in love' with your entire family.

Suddenly they've got [quite naturally] boyfriends coming round, taking them out and

horror of horrors to my 5 year old self - replacing me in their affections.

I hated their boyfriends and felt hopelessly outdone by

bigger/richer/smarter/funnier/tougher/more exiting rivals.

When my exUBPD got her new job and dumped me I felt exactly the same [deep down]

as my 5year old self had in the face of earlier 'rivals' - ie UTTERLY worthless and abandoned.

What do 5year old do? They blame themselves !

Fast forward to our adult selves and - our old wounds are not just re-opend by a BPD 'partner' -

they are brought back to life and given a 10,000v boost!

Can you find when it was in your past that you first felt this feeling of being outdone?

I allowed myself to be recycled twice since figuring all this out but the knowledge of the mechanics of it all helped speed up my travelling time no end.

Apart from the usual great stuff [Therapist, this forum, journaling, walks, gym, friends, nutrition, sleep etc] another really helpful thing to getting your self worth back is the work of Louise L Hay.

Once you get your self worth back you don't give a s***

Seriosly - self worth is absolutely key!

Have a look at her books/you tube/courses/audio CDs or whatever because self worth is the foundation of everything she does.

I can't stress it enough, self worth is KRYPTONITE to how your feeling right now.

Its nearly 4am here in the UK and I gotta go to bed.

Sorry if I rambled

Peace to you man 

[GuiltHaunted]

Moonie,

I will take a different approach here, because your initial post actually had me laugh. No disrespect, I feel the pain too - although not being confronted with it (she and her new bf are 250 km away).

Please do me a favor. Put on your movie glasses (those for UK/US comedy/romance movies). Replace yourself with Hugh Grant, your ex with Kirsten Dunst and her new one with Andy Garcia. The please read your post again... .

Do you want to be that guy, that everyone laughs at?

Does the movie hero stay in this state?

Andy MacDowell and Renée Zellweger are in the movie somewhere too by the way.

You definitely seem to have a sense of humor, so I hope this post didn't offend you. How is "your script" going to end?