I don't even know

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a range of emotions. Sometimes extreme sadness, sometimes anger, and a lot of depression. Anger mostly at the stupidity of her and her actions. We could have had a good life and I really don't think it's that she was unhappy with me and split. I honestly believe that she loves me as much as she is capable of. I think she just can't pull it off. The happy home we talked about and were shooting for is alien to her. That's what gets me. What she did by leaving right after we moved into a new house to start our "new life" pisses me off big time. She didn't even let the dust settle. We were there a month. She didn't care about what it would do to my credit, yanking her 5 year old son (whom I adored and lived me like a father) out of a new school, what it did to my family... . this list goes on. She just did it. She had her ex (the kids father) fanning the flames the whole time and treating me like a stranger. She was the one driving this decision to move and start fresh then bam! did an about face and left. It was like I was an unwanted roomate. Not to mention false charges she led me to believe she would go

I'm getting to the point where I'm like eff her! I should have and wish I had got there two years ago. She was a b!tch when we dated. I took so much unbelievable crap it's embarrassing as hell and I never thought I'd be one to put up with this type of sh!t.

I want to go back and tell her to eff off! I can't obviously but I can block her sorry ass and never look back. My hope is that, that will send the same message. I don't care who she screws. Whomever it is is getting the worst problem I've ever had. I also know that no one will ever treat her like I did. Take her sh!t like I did. Work around an ex that is always around "because of his son". I was good to her. Really good. That really pisses me off that it was thrown in my face and discarded. But It's okay. I will fall of the face of the earth from her and never look in her direction again. the worst thing I could do to anyone is leave them with her and that's what I'll do to her. Leave her to herself or whomever she can find.

I do believe in karma and we do indeed reap what we sow. There is comfort in that thought. ... thanks for letting me vent. Happy Monday everyone!

[buddy1226]

It's been a range of emotions. Sometimes extreme sadness, sometimes anger, and a lot of depression. Anger mostly at the stupidity of her and her actions. We could have had a good life and I really don't think it's that she was unhappy with me and split. I honestly believe that she loves me as much as she is capable of. I think she just can't pull it off. The happy home we talked about and were shooting for is alien to her. That's what gets me. What she did by leaving right after we moved into a new house to start our "new life" pisses me off big time. She didn't even let the dust settle. We were there a month. She didn't care about what it would do to my credit, yanking her 5 year old son (whom I adored and lived me like a father) out of a new school, what it did to my family... . this list goes on. She just did it. She had her ex (the kids father) fanning the flames the whole time and treating me like a stranger. She was the one driving this decision to move and start fresh then bam! did an about face and left. It was like I was an unwanted roomate. Not to mention false charges she led me to believe she would go

I'm getting to the point where I'm like eff her! I should have and wish I had got there two years ago. She was a b!tch when we dated. I took so much unbelievable crap it's embarrassing as hell and I never thought I'd be one to put up with this type of sh!t.

I want to go back and tell her to eff off! I can't obviously but I can block her sorry ass and never look back. My hope is that, that will send the same message. I don't care who she screws. Whomever it is is getting the worst problem I've ever had. I also know that no one will ever treat her like I did. Take her sh!t like I did. Work around an ex that is always around "because of his son". I was good to her. Really good. That really pisses me off that it was thrown in my face and discarded. But It's okay. I will fall of the face of the earth from her and never look in her direction again. the worst thing I could do to anyone is leave them with her and that's what I'll do to her. Leave her to herself or whomever she can find.

I do believe in karma and we do indeed reap what we sow. There is comfort in that thought. ... thanks for letting me vent. Happy Monday everyone!

[fromheeltoheal]

If yours is anything like mine, she did want the happy home, but the closer she got, the more triggered she got, so she had to bail.  That's the hell a borderline lives, never finding contentment, never getting what they really want, always longing for something just out of reach, always fearing she'll lose what she had.

And she probably liked the ongoing attachment with her ex, he was probably feeling like he had been replaced, and really it was her responsibility to remove him from your life together, although she didn't want to, the more attachments the better.

Getting pissed off is good; my anger it's what fueled my detachment, a sign of health, of I'm not going to take this sht anymore.  It's a phase that will pass, but use it while it's here.  Take care of you!

[Popcorn71]

We could have had a good life and I really don't think it's that she was unhappy with me and split. I honestly believe that she loves me as much as she is capable of. I think she just can't pull it off. The happy home we talked about and were shooting for is alien to her. That's what gets me.

I can understand how you feel.  I can't come to terms with the stupidity of it all either.  I mean, who would throw away a good life with somebody they get along with really well?  (Oh somebody with BPD obviously!)

I just wish I could get to the anger stage like you have.  Does it make you feel better?  I am disappointed in myself that I can't quite get angry enough.  I still see the good in my exBPDh and miss him like hell at the moment.

[buddy1226]

I hear ya. I hurt at times too but think I'm getting through that somewhat. These boards help and reading up on the disorder. Mine is so dysfunctional that it's easy for me to say eff her! who needs that crap. It was awful and I was miserable. I have to grieve what I once thought I had and thought was possible. It's part of the deal. I signed up for that even though I had no idea the extent of what I was dealing with. I underestimated this very sick person.

You'll get to anger. it's somewhat better but I want to see her fall too hard. I'd like to move on to indifference. But yes. Anger beats despair. So get pissed off... you deserve better...

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  And we may not necessarily experience them in the order.  It took me 6 months to get to anger, and oh boy was I, and several months after that ti get to depression, and acceptance for a few months now.  These stages need to be lived through, there is no timeframe, but the good news is the last one is the payoff, and it will happen.

[Popcorn71]

Remember the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  And we may not necessarily experience them in the order.

Can these stages be in any order? Or more than one at a time?

I've done the bargaining and depression, but I think I'm lingering a bit on the denial and acceptance and anger is definately slow in coming.

I want to see her fall too hard. I'd like to move on to indifference.

I want to see him fall very hard - in fact it's on my mind a lot.  Indifference is a long time coming too.

I will carry on reading on here and just wait for the day when I will feel better.

I'm glad you are on your way to that already Buddy

[glacier_glider]

I'm getting to the point where I'm like eff her!

I can't obviously but I can block her sorry ass and never look back.

That's the only way to go!

I can block her sorry ass and never look back.

Bro, from my experience:

This is the best you can do for yourself and the worst for her.

I stayed in NC starting a year ago. When she resurfaced at the end of 2013, telling me how much she missed and loved me, I tried to get as much info from her as possible to get the answers to the questions that we all have here (I was on this forum a year ago). To be honest, I was really glad to find out that NC totally worked against her.

She was banging other people while thinking about me.

When on a social network site, I changed my location to another city (because I was planning on moving), she told me she went nuts. When she found out that I was on PoF, she created a profile just to see how often I am there.

Told me that by seeing me there, she felt a bit better because it meant that I was not in a long-term relationship.

She was the one who broke our engagement, raged and left me.

Yet being with someone else, she still had her fear of abandonment (by me).

Someone sad here or on another forum, "The best way to hurt them is to ignore them."

Works like charm!

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  And we may not necessarily experience them in the order.

Can these stages be in any order? Or more than one at a time?

I've done the bargaining and depression, but I think I'm lingering a bit on the denial and acceptance and anger is definately slow in coming.

Historically those stages come from death, either of yourself with a terminal illness or someone you're close to, but they apply to the death of a relationship too, and yes, the order is not fixed.  I was in denial for maybe 4 months, followed by intense anger for about 6, and then depression for 3 or 4, and now acceptance.  The depression was the worst, I got physically sick, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, and I was glad when that was over; time and a lot of focus, learning and connecting with people is what got me through.

[Changingman]

We should all be careful about revenge as a motive. No contact is to give us space to correct the reasons we got into and accepted the obvious signs of a terrible RS.

Wanting revenge is natural, but keeps us in the grip. So they're sad if we go no contact... . they are in pain anyway, just sling this on top of the rest... . big deal.

Of course they are in pain and chaos and denial. But yeah thinking they 'care' at all and may feel something/anything about us is ... . comforting?

Where are we?

Me?

denial.  0

anger.  20%

bargaining 0

depression 50%

acceptance? 30%

Or something

[In_n_Out]

I went through acceptance, to denial and then anger (once I found out that she had already snagged her next "host" to lots of bargaining back to anger and as of this weekend, depression (maybe it's the "T" that I'm taking?).  I'm with you guys and as I posted earlier today; it's just hard to reconcile being called her "best friend" one month (for years) to going to being her mortal enemy the next like it was me that ran out on the r/s and started hooking up with someone else with no afterthoughts.  This disorder is just so destructive to all that come in contact with it.  My ex has left a wake of destruction for many years.  I felt bad at the time but she once left her email open on my phone and yes, I snooped.  In a folder for the guy that I replaced (well, I replaced the replacement), he had written an email that you would find written by any of us here: how much she had hurt him.  How he done everything for her including giving her a home and money when she needed it.  How she just up and left and tore him apart.  I read that and filed it away.  It would bother me at times; especially when she was doing the "push/pull" thing but I had no idea that it was a disorder.  She couldn't keep a job and so I thought she had some sort of commitment phobia.  My plan was to be "the guy" that finally stuck by her through it all.  Her parents liked me and everything seemed like it could work despite the constant "rescue me" drama.

My ex is a waif, so there was no raging.  I wished that she was a "normal"   BPD; I think that walking away from that would of been so much easier.  Instead, she knew all of the right lines.  Had everything memorized.  The things that she would do to show me how much she loved me.  I now know for damn sure that she does the same thing with my replacement just as she had done with all the guys before me.  She has the routine down.  No freakin' wonder she was a theater major in college.  Amazing snow job!  And the sap that I was kept saying "no, I'll be the different one.  The one that sticks by her!".  Well eff me.

[Changingman]

Just the same script, the same lines, the same insanity.

It took me 4 months out to realise she didn't like to be out much as her condition made it hard. I still thought for a while I didn't take her out enough, I wanted to go out more. Sheesh, couldn't work out what she wanted to what i wanted.