The Letter

[ts919]

My uBPDw (we have a final hearing coming up in two weeks) wrote me a letter.  She had left her computer open on Saturday "on accident" - I didn't take the bait.  Then I got home on Sunday and it was laying out on the table for me (in an envelope)... . I left it there while I went to take a shower.  When I came back down it was gone.  Found it later on conveniently placed by the coffee maker for me to "discover"... . this has been going on for a couple of days now.  She has never said a word about it.  This morning it was placed right by my stuff so I finally just grabbed it.  Part of me wants to read it, the other part of me doesn't.  It really irritates me that she wouldn't just hand it to me; for some reason it HAD to be a game.


Oh, and she rearranged her room last night... . why are we not packing?  She'll be moving out really soon here!

Needed to vent... .

[love4meNOTu]

ts-

Honestly? I wouldn't read it, and I'd put it back where I found it, unopened. If she has something to say to you she can say it to you directly, as a mature adult?

L

[Tausk]

NC can be very difficult when still living together.  :)o you have children together?  What level of interaction will you need after the divorce?

I ask because probably the best response, to everything now, is the one that creates the least level of drama and allows you two to continue to move forward.  If you do not read and acknowledge the letter she will become increasing agitated that you read it.   Only you know your ex and how to respond.  So an alternative to not reading is to read it, see if there's anything in the letter that really needs to be addressed, and address the issues with detachment.

If there's nothing of value in the letter, maybe quietly and calmly tell her that you read the letter.  Nothing really more.  :)epersonalize and Detach.  It might feel like games for your perspective, but remember it's a Disorder.  For her, it's survival behavior because, literally she's not sure she will exist after she moves out.

And furthermore, remember,  the actual packing will be a total crisis.  I've been there - done that!  You'll see.  So domn't be surprised when the Sht hits the Fan.   The emotional inventory of looking at the items that you shared will be too difficult for her to process.  So, I'd say try and focus on how to move through the next two weeks with as little personal attachment as possible. 

It's not about you.  It's about coping with the Disorder.

Yeah, much easier said than done.  But it helped me to try and be mindful.  My suggestions:   Take time outs.  Go to the store for packing tape and regroup.  Get into the zone of putting things in a box. Keep you head down and disengage from conversations in a neutral manner.   Because careful about alcohol intake.  And NO last round of sex for the road.

And DO NOT EXPECT your wife with BPD to hold up her end of the packing. It won't happen.

Good luck.  It will get better.

[Happy1]

Honestly, the best and hardest thing I've ever done was, that when I decide to do NC was to just throw everything sent, left, or put in my direction from her, away! Immediately! You and only YOU can stop this cycle (push/pull) and you need to remember and to remind yourself of that OFTEN. It's painful, but it works! If you can manage to do that for 6 months to a year, you'll be home free! Trust me!

[asher2]

ts919... . I agree with tausk in fostering whatever creates the least amount of drams right now until she moves out. Let me share with you my story.

After my ex and I broke up and she essentially moved out, I too received a big, long letter. She slid the letter underneath my door about five minutes after I arrived home one night (makes me think she was watching for me outside my building). The letter was full of "I love you's," "the guy she left me for doesn't mean anything to her," "she's never felt the way about someone the way she feels about me," etc. I felt the letter was all full of lies. As Tausk said, she was probably scared to death that the guy she left me for wasn't going to work out, so the letter was written to keep me around "just in case." And do you know what I did with that letter the day after I received it? I burned it. And it felt good.

Regarding moving out, as Tausk said, good luck with that. My ex left all kinds of things at my place, kept telling me she was going to get them while I was at work, but she never did. I ended up packing up all her stuff and dropping them off on the doorstep of her parent's house. And I changed the locks.

For me personally at that point in time, I was tired. I was tired of all the drama, tired of all the games and even just physically, I was worn out from her. For me, at that point in time, it felt so good to finally take control of some things. As I look back, do I wish I could change anything about my final interactions with her? Not one bit. I don't regret burning her letter because it was full of lies and I don't regret packing her stuff and moving her out myself. For me, I was able to help kick-start the healing process by doing these things.

That is part of my story and my experience. I feel bad for you that she is still actually there with you... . I can only imagine the drama. Again, my advice is to be as drama-free as possible just to get her out. And if you can, I'd advise to make the move-out happen as soon as possible. It was my experience that she will drag it out as long as she can. I say all this in the hopes that you can begin you healing as quickly as possible.

[Turkish]

My uBPDw (we have a final hearing coming up in two weeks) wrote me a letter.  She had left her computer open on Saturday "on accident" - I didn't take the bait.  Then I got home on Sunday and it was laying out on the table for me (in an envelope)... . I left it there while I went to take a shower.  When I came back down it was gone.  Found it later on conveniently placed by the coffee maker for me to "discover"... . this has been going on for a couple of days now.  She has never said a word about it.  This morning it was placed right by my stuff so I finally just grabbed it.  Part of me wants to read it, the other part of me doesn't.  It really irritates me that she wouldn't just hand it to me; for some reason it HAD to be a game.


Oh, and she rearranged her room last night... . why are we not packing?  She'll be moving out really soon here!

Needed to vent... .

Oh, I feel your pain... . mine did similar things while she lived with me for four emotionally horrific months until she just moved out last week. But some of her stuff is still here... . She left an open letter on our computer once. I actually responded. She replied that she didn't mean for me to find it. Yeah, right. She also left her journals lying around and when she cleared out the back bathroom, that is the only thing she left lying on one of the shelves, one of her journals. Of course, I'd been reading it (and photographing). I admit to trying to be the Understanding Child still, along with my analytical traits, I wanted more insight into a disordered mind. I sure got it!

If you can handle it, read the letter. But like tausk kind of said, read it if you feel you need to, but don't respond. Do it for YOU, not for her, if you feel the need.

[seeking balance]

It's not about you.  It's about coping with the Disorder.

 But it helped me to try and be mindful.  My suggestions:   Take time outs.  Go to the store for packing tape and regroup.  Get into the zone of putting things in a box. Keep you head down and disengage from conversations in a neutral manner.   Because careful about alcohol intake.  And NO last round of sex for the road.

And DO NOT EXPECT your wife with BPD to hold up her end of the packing. It won't happen.

Tausk had some things that were golden.

Abandonment button is pushed big time - she is coping any way she can.  Whether it write letters, rearrange her room, anything to FEEL in CONTROL of very intense Abandonment FEELINGS.  As much as this might sound crazy to hear, she is doing the best she can right now with the tools she has in her  tool belt.  This is not yours to fix and definitely not yours to take on.

Look, during it - I was raw and pissed and just wanted mine gone too.  Coming here for validation is a good thing for coping. 

Keep telling yourself, "this is not about me" and it really will be over with very soon.

Peace,

SB

[Mutt]

Part of me wants to read it, the other part of me doesn't. 

You could take the letter and file it away. When you feel differently, you can decide then.

[ts919]

Everyone - thanks so much for the responses!  Great advice, all of you.  I decided to open it and read it... . it ended up being a very simple "thank you" card, thanking me for the time we had together, letting me know she loves me, etc.  I'm not responding, just taking it for what it is.  She did open the open the card with "I realize this doesn't change anything"... .

So I see what it was all about.  It is a coping mechanism - we all have them.  It's also meant to make me feel guilty, which I'm doing my best to not.  I just keep reminding myself that I gave this abusive woman countless opportunities to attempt to mend our marriage and she balked at every single one.  I gave and I gave and I gave, even when I should have turned and ran.  Like Asher said... . I'm just tired.  I'm tired of hearing about what a horrible person I am, I'm tired of feeling anxious all of the time, I'm tired of not being able to just live life in a peaceful environment. 

I'm just tired.

Thanks for the advice everyone.  Hearing everyone's stories helps a lot!

[Mutt]

When these r/s come to an end, the break-up is so messy and the partner often doesn't give you closure.

I see that letter as an oppurtunity for closure.

Hang in there.

- Mutt

[ts919]

Thanks Mutt - she does seem to be having a bit more understanding as of late in regards to "finality".  There has certainly been a shift.  I did however receive a text today begging me to call off the divorce, claiming "I want to go to counseling and I want both of us to try"... . I didn't respond.  I've begged her for 2 years to attend counseling.  She's gone a total of 5 times, 2 of the times (and the most recent time) she has stormed out.  I'm not wasting anymore money or time.  I laid it out for her on several occasions - legal separation for a minimum of 6 months, MC, and Individual therapy.  She balked every time.  As of 3 weeks ago, during our final counseling session when I laid that offer on the table AGAIN, she said no.  She'd rather get divorced than do those things.

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt - she does seem to be having a bit more understanding as of late in regards to "finality".  There has certainly been a shift.  I did however receive a text today begging me to call off the divorce, claiming "I want to go to counseling and I want both of us to try"... . I didn't respond.  I've begged her for 2 years to attend counseling.  She's gone a total of 5 times, 2 of the times (and the most recent time) she has stormed out.  I'm not wasting anymore money or time.  I laid it out for her on several occasions - legal separation for a minimum of 6 months, MC, and Individual therapy.  She balked every time.  As of 3 weeks ago, during our final counseling session when I laid that offer on the table AGAIN, she said no.  She'd rather get divorced than do those things.

The begging to call of the divorce is probably due to her feeling an abandonment.  I recall mine storming out on sessions if she didn't have me triangulated with the therapist and when the focus was on her issues and what she brought to the table. It's so frustrating. I think you were fair by asking for a trial separation for 6 months and MC, individual therapy. MC doesn't work on these cases if one partner is blaming the other, storms out, and doesn't take ownership of their part. You are on the right track with individual therapy.

I'm reading emotional blackmail on her part ts919. If you don't comply to leaving her to her devices, she's threatening divorce.

[ts919]

I'm reading emotional blackmail on her part ts919. If you don't comply to leaving her to her devices, she's threatening divorce.

Oh for sure.  Which is funny, because divorce is what she's getting, which she doesn't want... . it's a non-stop circle.  I say I won't be treated this way anymore, I'm divorcing you.  She says, please don't divorce me, I'll do anything.  I say ok, this is what I need to stay married (MC, Separation, etc), she says no way - I won't do a separation and counseling is stupid.  On and on and on... .

[Mutt]

I'm reading emotional blackmail on her part ts919. If you don't comply to leaving her to her devices, she's threatening divorce.

Oh for sure.  Which is funny, because divorce is what she's getting, which she doesn't want... . it's a non-stop circle.  I say I won't be treated this way anymore, I'm divorcing you.  She says, please don't divorce me, I'll do anything.  I say ok, this is what I need to stay married (MC, Separation, etc), she says no way - I won't do a separation and counseling is stupid.  On and on and on... .

I know this dance, push-pull. Very heart-wrenching and frustrating.

Stick to your guns ts919