Got Flowers from the Ex-Lots of Flowers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well it's been officially two weeks since my ex-resurfaced in my life. If you have read my past posts you know it has been a rocky relationship-to say the very least (6 recycles in a year) with domestic issues and cheating (all my ex) and my ex leaving me every time. This last time, she dumped me a week before my birthday and changed all contact information. She also hooked up with a mutual friend (former friend of mine).

We have been "communicating" however she is aware I am in a relationship and has not been pressuring me in any way to get back together with her (although she says she loves me more than anything).

But yesterday... . yesterday three dozen roses arrived to work along with a necklace from her.

I informed her while the flowers were lovely, her actions were inappropriate given I am in another relationship and we are no longer together. She agreed, apologized yet said she has "hope" I will come back to her someday, even if it is a year from now. She also told me she is "working on her issues" and doing so for her, not just for "us".

She is in therapy and is still on Match.com.  I am not sure why I am even communicating with her. I really like the person I am with and I see a future together with this woman. My new amore is a school principal working on her Phd. She is smart, funny and open to kids and a family someday. She is normal.

My ex is 30k in debt, irrational, irresponsible with a lot of problems. She has betrayed me in so many ways.

I met up with her a week ago for a drink and the feelings (my side) just aren't there anymore. I don't think it has to do with my new girlfriend. I think when you realize you are worth more you just can't put yourself back in the rollercoaster seat.

I am not sure what the point of my post is other than to vent. So many wish for a recycle on this board (even if they don't actually say it). I know, I hoped secretly she would return to validate her BPD. Ironically, now I feel like I am leading her on just talking to her. I really don't want her crap in my life anymore yet I still care about her well-being.

I guess I have to think back to laying on my bed for two weeks in the fetal position and thinking about killing myself. That should make it easier to get past the caring part.

[Pretty Woman]

Well it's been officially two weeks since my ex-resurfaced in my life. If you have read my past posts you know it has been a rocky relationship-to say the very least (6 recycles in a year) with domestic issues and cheating (all my ex) and my ex leaving me every time. This last time, she dumped me a week before my birthday and changed all contact information. She also hooked up with a mutual friend (former friend of mine).

We have been "communicating" however she is aware I am in a relationship and has not been pressuring me in any way to get back together with her (although she says she loves me more than anything).

But yesterday... . yesterday three dozen roses arrived to work along with a necklace from her.

I informed her while the flowers were lovely, her actions were inappropriate given I am in another relationship and we are no longer together. She agreed, apologized yet said she has "hope" I will come back to her someday, even if it is a year from now. She also told me she is "working on her issues" and doing so for her, not just for "us".

She is in therapy and is still on Match.com.  I am not sure why I am even communicating with her. I really like the person I am with and I see a future together with this woman. My new amore is a school principal working on her Phd. She is smart, funny and open to kids and a family someday. She is normal.

My ex is 30k in debt, irrational, irresponsible with a lot of problems. She has betrayed me in so many ways.

I met up with her a week ago for a drink and the feelings (my side) just aren't there anymore. I don't think it has to do with my new girlfriend. I think when you realize you are worth more you just can't put yourself back in the rollercoaster seat.

I am not sure what the point of my post is other than to vent. So many wish for a recycle on this board (even if they don't actually say it). I know, I hoped secretly she would return to validate her BPD. Ironically, now I feel like I am leading her on just talking to her. I really don't want her crap in my life anymore yet I still care about her well-being.

I guess I have to think back to laying on my bed for two weeks in the fetal position and thinking about killing myself. That should make it easier to get past the caring part.

[Tausk]

Flowers are always nice.   The ego likes adoration.  Of course you have been sharing with new relationship that you're in contact with your ex and accepting roses from her.  

Because I love it when my girlfriend gets together with her ex, who tells her that she is still loved, and even better when my girlfriends chooses to accept three dozen roses from the woman who says she still loves her.

Triangulation is insidious if we allow it.  The Disorder requires participants.  The Disorder always wins.

I know that you care about your ex.  I'm not judging.  My actions, after the break up and her getting married, violated boundaries and sensibilities.  But the FOG and the FOO issues really impaired my decision making process.  

Thanks for sharing and good luck.

[ShadowDancer]

I am of the opinion that you are indeed leading her on and your actions are disingenuously dishonest with both.    

[myself]

You knew when you opened the door again she was going to come flooding back in. You can care about her and be NC. That's caring for yourself, too. How does your new gf feel about it? She could be the one giving you flowers and an ego boost, not someone who betrayed you and left you feeling suicidal.

[seeking balance]

She is in therapy and is still on Match.com. 

ummm... . honestly, not your business anymore, right?

I am not sure why I am even communicating with her.

You are in an LDL with a new woman who you like, yet playing with fire with the ex... . what are you doing really?

[Waifed]

PW

I have followed your story since Day 1.  I remember the pain you were in months ago.  I have heard all of the terrible things your ex did to you and how horribly she treated you.  I am worried for you because you have not had that many months of healing from your addiction to her and it would not be difficult to fall back under her spell.

Tread lightly.  If you are in a new relationship then you have an obligation to tell her what is going on or stop all communication with your ex.  You are too good of a person to risk damaging you character and reputation.  Be strong.  Your ex is a dead end.  :)on't waste a good relationship on a piece of trash who cares for no one but herself.  

[babyducks]

But yesterday... . yesterday three dozen roses arrived to work along with a necklace from her.

My ex is 30k in debt, irrational, irresponsible with a lot of problems. She has betrayed me in so many ways.

I met up with her a week ago for a drink and the feelings (my side) just aren't there anymore.

A person with this level of volatility shouldn't be messed with, for both of your sakes.

[Pretty Woman]

All valid points, hence why I chose to post on here. I appreciate the comments and feedback, all of it.

I think I am a tad narcisistic so I am enjoying the graveling but it is not fair to my new girlfriend and it's not nice of me to be leading on my ex crazy either.

This is probably the best I've felt in months. I need to remember what it took to get here and not f it all up.

Again, thanks for your insight.

[seeking balance]

All valid points, hence why I chose to post on here. I appreciate the comments and feedback, all of it.

I think I am a tad narcisistic so I am enjoying the graveling but it is not fair to my new girlfriend and it's not nice of me to be leading on my ex crazy either.

This is probably the best I've felt in months. I need to remember what it took to get here and not f it all up.

Again, thanks for your insight.

Without probably realizing it, you posted something very deep that you might want to explore in T.

Feeling better due to others attention (no matter who) is a false confidence - true self worth comes from within.   We all have narcisstic traits and there is healthy narcissism... . reading your entire body of posts and how low you truly were and the trauma you described - do you think your new "feeling good" is possibly due to a new relationship and ex now coming back around (external validation)?

Peace,

SB

[growing_wings]

I think I am a tad narcisistic so I am enjoying the graveling but it is not fair to my new girlfriend and it's not nice of me to be leading on my ex crazy either.

This is probably the best I've felt in months. I need to remember what it took to get here and not f it all up.

PW... . this is the true test for yourself...  yes you were tested before and you survived a b/u, but now the challenge has reached another new and higher level.

What you write above, some of us secretely wanting the recycle is true for me (although i am working hard at moving from that space), you also expressed something i can relate to, feels good to be appreciated. all true, we are humans and full of feelings and we like validation. I am no different and can relate to you a lot. secretly i fear the day she gets back in touch with me... how on earth i will deal with it?

back at you... see this as a way to grow again, the challenges for us to keep growing will not finish, they just change.

Remember, this girl KNOWS how to make you feel happy, they are masters at feeding the ego of their "interest", they are true masters and she will know how to push those buttons, but she also knows how to push the buttons to destroy you, and remember, you have been there... the amazing interest she shows for you is a way to hook you back to be her narcissistic supply.

Use the wisdom and growth you have acquired, and rise to the challenge of the situation.

wish you well

[willtimeheal]

A few weeks ago you posted you were buying a Valentine's day present for your new girl wishing you were buying it for someone else (the ex).  I like what seeking balance said... . wise words. Really look there and figure what work on yourself still needs to be done.

[Octoberfest]

All valid points, hence why I chose to post on here. I appreciate the comments and feedback, all of it.

I think I am a tad narcisistic so I am enjoying the graveling but it is not fair to my new girlfriend and it's not nice of me to be leading on my ex crazy either.

This is probably the best I've felt in months. I need to remember what it took to get here and not f it all up.

Again, thanks for your insight.

Without probably realizing it, you posted something very deep that you might want to explore in T.

Feeling better due to others attention (no matter who) is a false confidence - true self worth comes from within.   We all have narcisstic traits and there is healthy narcissism... . reading your entire body of posts and how low you truly were and the trauma you described - do you think your new "feeling good" is possibly due to a new relationship and ex now coming back around (external validation)?

Peace,

SB

Once again SB asks very uncomfortable, but CRITICALquestions. I can say without hesitation that the times I have thought the most about my BPDex/longed for her back (in the slightest way) have been when I am feeling alone and or lonely.  On the contrary, when I am talking to a girl(s), I feel on top of the world and have a smugness about me like "BPDex? HAH! Look what I have now!".  It is a very, very dangerous thing to have your mood and emotional well being ride on another person. 

When I was in therapy (started about 1 month after the breakup, continued for 2 months), I had a hell of a time dealing with all of the things my BPDex had been through (that is to say, traumatic events that happened to her BEFORE she met me that she told me about, including being raped, having been sexually, physically, and mentally abused, abandoned by her father, cheated on by all of her exes, etc).  I have since found out that many of those stories were lies, but at the time I felt such sorrow and sadness for her... . I was trying to shoulder her burdens, as though by doing so would make things better for her.  All that was really happening was that I was slowly killing myself and drowning myself in negativity that I had no hand in.  My T saw this, and after I broke down in tears talking about some of it, told me the following: "I want you to visualize a situation with <BPDex>... .   I want you to imagine seeing her and saying to her, 'I respect you enough to give you back your own pain". 

Truthfully, if moving on is what your truly desire, and if you want to be fair to your new partner, it is my opinion you need to stop leading your BPDex and make things very clear.  It is up to you if you want to maintain a friendship with someone who has abused you and mistreated you.  I know that I could never be friends with my BPDex, and I knew that early on in our relationship (talk about  ).