How did your Valentine's Day turn out?

[justaboutdone]

I am surprised that I have not read a thread about Valentine's Day yet.  Anyhow, I guess I will tell my story.

My wife and I have been to 2 therapist appts.  I have had 5 with my therapist alone and he knows all about her condition and is helping me get out because he agrees it will be best for the kids.  Our first appt we declared a separation and I was supposed to move out.  She is the one that wanted me to move out anyhow because her life if horrible all because of me.  I am after all the one she blames for everything.  Her target.  Except, when I planned to move out she said she would leave the country with the kids if I did. Started using all kids of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt(FOG) to keep me from leaving. Therapist told me to stay in the house for now.

We then had our second appt together on morning of valentine's day and he really felt there was so much resentment in our marriage that we need to end this.  So following an afternoon of arguing we went out to dinner and then came home and watched a movie together.  After the movie, I got ready for bed and didn't say goodnight.  She raged, damaged the wall, and told me to get the F out or she was waking the kids and leaving with them because I didn't say goodnight.  I said no you don't have to leave and I went to a hotel.  The next morning she called me at the hotel and after some more FOG, I came back home while she then spent the day in bed and the kids and I spent the day together.  I did laundry and washed her sheets and she finally got out of bed at 8pm to put them on.  She got mad because she can't do all this work around the house without a housekeeper.  If I don't get a housekeeper then we are selling the house because it is too big to clean(3,000sqft) She can't keep up!  Unbelievable!  I am the only one who cleans the house anyway!

[Gimme Peace]

The morning started out well. We exchanged gifts and he gave me an extravagant gift that I've wanted for a long time and I was very happy. My gift to him was more sentimental. For the past month his plan was to take me out of town for a weekend getaway to celebrate Valentine's Day, which is also our anniversary. This was a big anniversary milestone. I was very excited even though he has a history of ruining vacations with his moodiness. The trip was his idea, he booked the hotel and made all the plans. Part of the plan was to get massages together, which he had prepaid. He seemed so happy about everything we were going to do together.

So we were on our way, but unfortunately due to traffic it took a lot longer to get to our destination than we expected. He didn't like this and took it out on me by being silent and brooding, not speaking or touching or acting romantic at all. We arrived at the hotel, he had booked a fabulous room with a great view. I was somewhat irritated by his behavior and expressed this to him so that we could work it out. His reaction was to shut down, not make anymore eye contact, be silent. Although we had planned to go out dancing, we decided to stay in because the mood was sour. He didn't want to talk to me, and we went to bed on opposite sides of the bed, not speaking. It was the same waking up the next morning. He acted very agitated and didn't want to talk or to listen. All of things we had planned to do, go biking to the beach, get massages, go out to a great waterfront restaurant, we didn't do. He didn't want to eat. It was 3:30pm before I had my first meal of the day, something from the deli and he cancelled the dinner reservation. He treated me like a disease and I found myself crying uncontrollably. When we went to bed, I offered sex to try and make him feel better and he took me up on it, but it was like I wasn't even there... . I was a receptacle and he made no sounds. It was over quickly.

That was Saturday.  On Sunday, he woke up angry and blaming himself as in he "couldn't' believe he did this again". I couldn't console him, I couldn't believe it either. We paced and drove home. He barely said a word the 4 hour ride back. When we got home, he acted like nothing ever happened. He was chatty and bubbly and wanted to snuggle with me. I couldn't do it, I just wanted to be alone.

Today I am looking at apartments and contemplating divorce. Again.

[drv3006]

I spent time with him for two days and said I would be busy thursday we can spend Valentines weekend together.    Because I called him from Bed on Thursday night he decided that meant I was two tired to talk to him and he hung up on me.   I kept the phone off the hook and went to sleep.  Woke up the next morning with 27 text telling me how heartless I was and some pretty awful comments and all my christmas presents I gave him on the outside of my door.  He never opened up one of them.   That was my valentine gift.  He gave me what I gave him.  Then he came over unannounced and read to me out of a book for about two hours on adults abused children. and how I trigger him.  He left this morning.   I really don't know what to do with him.   Honestly, I don't.   I have tried to leave tried to stay.  I think we should all be on this undecided board.  Or maybe a board that just says "can't get away"   .  Well Happy Belated Valentines to you all.

[MissyM]

Well, I though it went ok but I was terribly wrong!  My dBPDh had sent me flowers and given me a card on V-Day, while he is out of town.  However, he also was in contact with a hooker that day and probably had sex with her (since he is lying about even having contact).  Happy V-Day to me!

[Wrongturn1]

My Valentine's day didn't go as poorly as some of yours, but I definitely noticed, and was mildly amused, by the asymmetry between my level of investment in my wife's gift vs. what she did for me. 

My gift to uBPDw: Perfume, surprise flowers with a note, nice bottle of wine, dinner at her favorite restaurant

uBPDw's gift to me:  She "gave" me $9 toward a piece of music gear I had been saving up to buy, which allowed me to buy it.  She didn't actually hand me the money, just allowed me to charge it on my card, and oh yes, I'm the one who has a job and earns a paycheck while she has stayed at home with no job for the past 10 years.  So basically she gave me permission to charge an extra $9 on my credit card that I will be paying back with my money.

To my wife's credit, she managed to get through the day without any major dysregulations.  Just before she went out, she was spewing a lot of emotional vomit about her father and about her weight, hair, etc.; however, she didn't attack me and calmed down relatively quickly. 

[Cloudy Days]

Mine actually might have been a good Valentines day if our car hadn't broke down when he went to get my gift. I actually woke up that morning to him doing the dishes, it was a wow moment. I went to work and made a handmade gift for him, I was proud of it and it took around an hour to do. I come home and my husband is standing in the driveway mad at me because he felt abandoned. My mom picks me up and drops me off every day. He broke his phone so he had no way of letting me know that the car wouldn't start, his own fault his phone is broken. Anyways, so after we get over that drama and my mom taking me to my car to get my gift he bought. I come home and after 15 minutes we exchange gifts. He seems to like it, it's something he wanted even though it didn't cost anything. I liked mine, it was the first gift he picked out for me in around 2 years.

He keeps going off about how he couldn't get ahold of me and how no one would help him and he had to walk home. I Validated, and validated and validated some more. Then he says, I'm never getting you another gift again. Pointed to his gift and said took me 4 hours then pointed at my gift and said took you 5 minutes. Then he started to tell me that I never get him anything for Valentines day. It took me a second but I listed all the things I remember giving him and most of the time I didn't get anything in return. Anyways, somehow it became my fault that the car broke down.

He did calm down and we cooked dinner together. With all of it's flaws it was an ok Valentines day. It could have been worse.

[charred]

Mine went well... it was normal well, not BPD anything.

Went with exwife and daughter on a bus for my kid's favorite sports competition... with her team. Nine hours of riding a bus each way, with two days of sitting on wood bleachers with no back support in a very cold ice rink. Physically... bit sore now, but there was no insane drama, no FOG, no hating, no crazy... . just normal.

Before my pwBPD... . would have bored me to death and I would have complained a lot... . but in comparison to the hellish times I had with my pwBPD... . normal was fine with me.

It does get better... . better isn't sparks, its genuinely better. Sparks often happen before a big explosion, triggers it even.

[Hopeless777]

Great Valentine's Day. Then on Sunday BPDw (of 25+ years) looks on my iPhone Safari in google search history and sees that I googled "Valentines Day 2014." Gee whiz, so on the Tuesday before I didn't know the exact date and looked it up! Of course, under the date (which was all I cared about) was all the google search findings like poems, presents suggestions, etc. Next she wants to know what I got my (non-existent) girlfriend and what credit card I used (and did I have a secret credit card.) Then she checks out my amazon account, etc. etc. Hey, great Valentines Day... . crappy two days after. I never know whether I'm coming or going.

[HoldingAHurricane]

He has an issue with feeling obligated and having expectations placed on him. He set the scene several days before by reminding me that "men have to do valentines day because women expect it. Its an obligation". Nice 

I made sure I didn't bring it up. I made no plans or mentioned any expectations. I did buy him some handmade chocolates which might have been a problem for him in retrospect. Anyway, he asked what happened at work (I work in an office exclusively of women) and I told him in the nicest way possible that is was florist central. He projected onto me all his disappointment in himself and how upset he was. He insisted and insisted until I finally closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The next day he suddenly had to work and spend 16 hours away. He told me he would be gone for 4 hours. During that 16 hours he didn't tell me where he was or his change in plans. I had dinner with a friend and bought myself some nice flowers, 'cause I wanted them  .

By Sunday he has got hold of himself   (maybe therapy is working).

*yawn*   

[maxsterling]

I expected the worst, but it was not that bad.  My original plan was to secretly buy flowers and chocolate Thursday night, keep them hidden, and put them out for her to find Friday morning.  I was all set - I left work early on Thursday, stopped at the store, and then... .

... . a good friend called and said she needs a ride to the auto dealership to pick up her car.  Uh-oh.  My GF was already in her typical irritable mood.  And she freaks out if we eat dinner late.  And she freaks out if I spend time doing things with other people besides her, especially female friends.  Soo, I tried to cut off this dysregulation before it happened, so I gave her the flowers and chocolate Thursday night before I left to help the friend.  That seemed to work.  But, I said, "I know how you hate surprises" when I handed her the flowers.  She does hate surprises.  She has told me she hates surprises.  But she picked up those words and wouldn't let them go, claiming she doesn't hate surprises and asked why I said that.   I managed to sooth that, but it was just another example of the BPD always hiding just beneath the surface.

[supernurse]

I got flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries at work.  I sent him a text and thanked him.  He replied "you're welcome (and worth it)."  That was unusual, but nice... .

But then after work, he suggested that the whole family go out to eat.  All 3 of our kids had been sick the last 2 days.  The oldest (16) had something else she had to do for school, the middle one (13) acted less than enthused about going, and the baby (2) fought him the whole time he was trying to get him dressed to go out.  I calmly suggested that maybe the kids didn't want to go... .   I was going to say, "how 'bout just you and me," but didn't get that far.  He started raging about how he thought the whole family could go out (but later got mad that I included the kids when I did gifts, because "Valentine's Day isn't about the kids", why didn't I suggest that in the first place, and started to leave.  I said, "Who said I didn't want to go?"  He just put his shoes on and left, slamming the door.  He took himself out for a Valentine's Dinner, brought home my favorite dessert (half-eaten at the restaurant), and then ate the rest at home himself.

I suppose it's par for the course, although better than some.  For our first Valentine's Day (we'd been married about 5 weeks), a week before the holiday, we went grocery shopping.  He put candy and a balloon in the cart when we first got to the store, walked around shopping for an hour without saying a word about it, and then handed it to me in the check-out line after the checker scanned it, and said, "Here."  That was it.  A week before Valentine's Day and never said another word, even a week later.  I was humiliated.

Our third Valentine's Day, I reserved a hotel room and nice dinner - got yelled at for spending the money.

2 years ago, he e-mailed me at work with a letter on Valentine's Day that talked about how alone he felt and how he blamed me for not leaving him before he messed everything up. 

<sigh>