The Price We Pay for Growth

[Depression = 72% of members]

So the amount I have learned about BPD and then Codendency and my own issues has been amazing. It has changed to course of my life: my interests, my perspective... . and tellingly, my patience for loud / selfish / unevolved people.

Recently I have become concerned that my own growth has led me away from long-standing friendships. Many of the people I have seen most frequently over the past 10+ years simply don't float my boat any more. I am fairly certain that the same faulty selection processes behind my choice of a pwBPD as romantic partner were at play when choosing close friends.

My question is this: can we become too extreme in our thinking post-BPD break-up?

As we heal and come to know and value ourselves (perhaps for the first time) can we throw the baby out with the bath water? My mum died recently (19JAN) and I was devastated by the lack of support demonstrated by my closest friends. Their selfishness reminded me very much of my exBPD... . in their inability to empathise and their complete disinterest in an issue that was not directly about them. So I have made some drastic changes. Instead of spreading myself so thin I am instead choosing to see more of the friends who seem genuine and generous and less of the people who don't represent friendship as I now define it.

Am I being too extreme? Will I have a meltdown later because of the volume of people I am removing from my life simultaneously? Have any of you outgrown friendships as you heal from borderline abuse? And if so, how have you dealt with this? Are you pro-cull? Or do you pull back one by one?

My own suspicion is that I will be ok. I don't even miss them. I was asleep at the wheel and they slapped me awake with their inability to be there for me and lack of empathy or care. But I am worried a tad about being too extreme in my instinct to cut and run. I have an aversion to drama post-BPD, but am I being too dramatic myself?

Thanks

BB12

[bb12]

So the amount I have learned about BPD and then Codendency and my own issues has been amazing. It has changed to course of my life: my interests, my perspective... . and tellingly, my patience for loud / selfish / unevolved people.

Recently I have become concerned that my own growth has led me away from long-standing friendships. Many of the people I have seen most frequently over the past 10+ years simply don't float my boat any more. I am fairly certain that the same faulty selection processes behind my choice of a pwBPD as romantic partner were at play when choosing close friends.

My question is this: can we become too extreme in our thinking post-BPD break-up?

As we heal and come to know and value ourselves (perhaps for the first time) can we throw the baby out with the bath water? My mum died recently (19JAN) and I was devastated by the lack of support demonstrated by my closest friends. Their selfishness reminded me very much of my exBPD... . in their inability to empathise and their complete disinterest in an issue that was not directly about them. So I have made some drastic changes. Instead of spreading myself so thin I am instead choosing to see more of the friends who seem genuine and generous and less of the people who don't represent friendship as I now define it.

Am I being too extreme? Will I have a meltdown later because of the volume of people I am removing from my life simultaneously? Have any of you outgrown friendships as you heal from borderline abuse? And if so, how have you dealt with this? Are you pro-cull? Or do you pull back one by one?

My own suspicion is that I will be ok. I don't even miss them. I was asleep at the wheel and they slapped me awake with their inability to be there for me and lack of empathy or care. But I am worried a tad about being too extreme in my instinct to cut and run. I have an aversion to drama post-BPD, but am I being too dramatic myself?

Thanks

BB12

[seeking balance]

Yes, No & Maybe... . yes, I will elaborate

I found myself very much changing and changing what I was looking for in all of my relationships.  But, I balanced it with Radical Acceptance that people are who they are.

So, I am mindful now to not cut ties drastically, but my boundaries are much better and my self awareness is increased to the point where I know when I can or cannot handle people who show certain traits that can push my buttons.

Brene' Brown talks a lot about connection and vulnerability - letting people in who have EARNED the right to hear my story.  She says that doesn't mean you need an army - if you have 4 or 5 people who fit that bill, consider yourself extremely lucky.

I am more tolerant of letting people be who they are - but I don't let "those" people in my inner circle any longer... . casual is ok by me.

Not sure if this makes sense.

Cheers,

SB

[bb12]

Great answers SB

And I have always loved Brene Brown

I DO have some great people in my life already and am very blessed.

But the ones whom I have given greatest priority to have not been the right ones, as it turns out.

I will be less drastic and just 'shift them out of my inner circle'

Tolerance and letting them be who they are sounds / feels more appropriate than the course of action I have taken with a couple of them. Sometimes we don't need to communicate everything.

But it will be weird to watch 'close' friends become 'casual'

My sincere thanks for a thoughtful answer

BB12

[growing_wings]

hi bb12

Sorry to hear about the passing of your mum

We change our behaviours post BPD experience & learning. However, initial response can be to take the walls right up taking perhaps a bit of an extreme behaviour, i think it is natural to tend to do that. However, SB is spot on, we need to find the right balance between connection & vulnerability.

I cant answer your question regarding Outgrowing friendships post BPD b/u, as not enough time has passed for me to see this (after 7 wks LC/NC), however, i am becoming aware of the need to be more careful, less "naive" in my attitude. My exBPD told me something one day that i have not forgotten, told me this: "You think that everyone has good intentions, and is as nice as you are, this is a mistake and is wrong... . ", i did not understand this statement until the b/u.

Also, i tend to be people pleaser... . i like that, but i need to be aware and mindful of this behaviour and with whom i am displaying this. Maybe, as i continue to learn & hopefully grow, i will have to change this attitude more.

So, in a nutshell, yes, there is a price to be paid when we grow emotionally, BUT, i  am sure there are a lot of positives from this. Seek to strike a balance on all this. seom friends might leave our you leave them but others will arrive, and with higher awareness, better relationships based on mutual respect can be formed.

good conversation, made me aware of a few things myself. thx!

[bb12]

thanks growing _ wings

yep. water finds its own level

any gap that departing friends leave will be filled by others that match my new emotional and spiritual state. I don't doubt that or have fears about it.

The balance thing is what I will take from you guys... . between vulnerability and connection.

It's good that you are thinking like this so soon after your b/up. I am 2 years out. Been an incredible journey and I am so grateful for it. Life is fantastic again. Conscious living is so amazing



BB12

[myself]

it will be weird to watch 'close' friends become 'casual'

Those who will be close will meet you there, even as you practice healthy distance.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for your loss bb12.

When you described that some friends didn't show empathy and sympathy, I can relate to what your saying. My ex's family, mother, step father and sister have narcisistic traits. Everything revolves around themselves and it used to bother me. It bothered me that they were more interested in what they were doing for themselves when they came and visited from out of town and the kids were secondary. The kids are first in my books, but that's who I am. 

I don't know if I would say it's a price that we pay. I think that it's boundaries for myself now. I can detect toxicity now that I couldn't before. I choose now to not let those people orbit in my circle. To a degree, it would sound like splitting certain people black because of their characteristics.

I do like SB' suggestion of Radical Acceptance and it's something that I'm interested in.

It's growth, I feel like it's a baby figruing out that they can turn themselves on their sides, and they start pushing their legs while they're on their tummies, and then they figure out how to crawl... . And they start to walk. That's the way that I can describe it for myself. I'm learning new things and there's some stumbling along the way.

[growing_wings]

It's good that you are thinking like this so soon after your b/up. I am 2 years out. Been an incredible journey and I am so grateful for it. Life is fantastic again. Conscious living is so amazing

bb12., this is good to read give me motivation to get out of this up and down feeling, but i think is a rather long process... so gritting teeth and patience is the only way out.

WELL DONE YOU! you should be soo proud 

[maxen]

bb i'm so sorry for your loss. i hope you're staying as steady as you can at this time.

that doesn't mean you need an army - if you have 4 or 5 people who fit that bill, consider yourself extremely lucky.

after my marriage exploded last june i was left to face just how socially isolated i was without my w and the in-laws (who cut me off immediately) and our few mutual friends (who were prepped by her, and she didn't like it one bit when i reached out to them). it was a terrifying time. i walked around and all i saw were people with other people and i imagined that every single one of them had full circles of colleagues, acquaintances, friends, and close friends, whom they could call at the drop of a hat and hang with and who would listen to them and sympathize and help etc etc. and that made the sense of rejection from my wife's deceit and flight even more painful, if it could be more painful.

so when i found out that i had maybe three friends and maybe two family members and maybe one colleague with whom i could disgorge and get patient and emotionally intelligent responses i felt like the world's biggest loser. doesn't everyone have a bevy of people they can talk to? what was wrong with me? and now i read that comment from brene brown (and my T has been saying the same thing) and i wonder if maybe i'm doing alright in that department? could that be?

speaking from my own position then i'd say don't be quick to let friendships wither. on the other hand you'll only find out how many of your friends are people of feeling by opening up. unless they reach out to you. those are the keepers.

i hesitate to write about this as there are people who may not have even the little that i do and that breaks my heart as i know the pain of isolation. i have a special sympathy for posters whose friends or family have abandoned them or even turned against them on account being brainwashed by a pwBPD. you've got a friend here. 

[Mutt]

bb i'm so sorry for your loss. i hope you're staying as steady as you can at this time.

that doesn't mean you need an army - if you have 4 or 5 people who fit that bill, consider yourself extremely lucky.

after my marriage exploded last june i was left to face just how socially isolated i was without my w and the in-laws (who cut me off immediately) and our few mutual friends (who were prepped by her, and she didn't like it one bit when i reached out to them). it was a terrifying time. i walked around and all i saw were people with other people and i imagined that every single one of them had full circles of colleagues, acquaintances, friends, and close friends, whom they could call at the drop of a hat and hang with and who would listen to them and sympathize and help etc etc. and that made the sense of rejection from my wife's deceit and flight even more painful, if it could be more painful.

so when i found out that i had maybe three friends and maybe two family members and maybe one colleague with whom i could disgorge and get patient and emotionally intelligent responses i felt like the world's biggest loser. doesn't everyone have a bevy of people they can talk to? what was wrong with me? and now i read that comment from brene brown (and my T has been saying the same thing) and i wonder if maybe i'm doing alright in that department? could that be?

speaking from my own position then i'd say don't be quick to let friendships wither. on the other hand you'll only find out how many of your friends are people of feeling by opening up. unless they reach out to you. those are the keepers.

i hesitate to write about this as there are people who may not have even the little that i do and that breaks my heart as i know the pain of isolation. i have a special sympathy for posters whose friends or family have abandoned them or even turned against them on account being brainwashed by a pwBPD. you've got a friend here.  

Thank you for your post maxen! It's uncanny, I experienced the same thing. I was isolated and the ex was my friend and the in-laws and her friends. I agree, I couldn't fathom more pain than losing your partner, but when I lost everyone, it was pain on top of pain and then the distortion campaign. Or at least knowing about it, that was well underway for a few months before the marriage imploded. Nothing hurt more than having those people that you were good to, I treated as if they were my friends and family that I had known for years, turn on you because of lies.

The people that I have known for years that really know me, and are really close to me, were there in the end.

It is a small number of people but they are always there for me. Thanks for sharing that maxen, it's nice to know that someone else had the same experience as me.

[Dog biscuit]

Am I being too extreme? Will I have a meltdown later because of the volume of people I am removing from my life simultaneously? Have any of you outgrown friendships as you heal from borderline abuse? And if so, how have you dealt with this?

The "BPD (aftermath) relationship experience" is pretty extreme in itself, and it evokes change in every part of our lifes. Most people tend to shy away from complicated and painfull stuff like this because if they would let it in, it would change their world to. They will minimize it, or they will blame the victim, to keep it at distance from their own "secure" world. It's a defence mechanism for most people. They might see abuse and injustice, but want act on it.  It happens everyday, all around us. People close their eyes and shy away from things they do not want to see.

Are you being to extreme? No, I dont think so. The experience you have been trough is extreme and it can be hard for people to relate to it.

Besides this, people who abuse can only do so, in an environtment that will tolerate or allowe the abuse, so the people who make that environtment probably have different standards or different moral compasses than you do.

I was asleep at the wheel and they slapped me awake with their inability to be there for me and lack of empathy or care.

It's a hard lesson, sorry that you, and most people here,  had to go trough it.  

[maxen]

Thanks for sharing that maxen, it's nice to know that someone else had the same experience as me.

i'm glad if it helped a bit. we've all had such a specific experience here, it's important to realize that some others have known it.

[bb12]

speaking from my own position then i'd say don't be quick to let friendships wither. on the other hand you'll only find out how many of your friends are people of feeling by opening up. unless they reach out to you. those are the keepers.

thanks for your kind words maxen. Some great advice received in relation to my initial post, including yours! I am still inclined to pull back a bit and am happy to reassess many of my friendships. Been a bit of a wake up call... . realising that the people I thought were my besties actually don't have the ability to empathise or think beyond themselves much at all. I have moments of feeling socially isolated, but I am offsetting that by spending more time with the people who have revealed themselves to be more generous and thoughtful. A weird adjustment, but a good one - and possibly long overdue.

BB12