How does a BPD feel when you go NC

[Pinoypride18]

I have been in NC for a month now. I was just wondering if NC triggers something in them and hurts them inside? or is NC exactly what they want and liking not talking to you anymore?

I know this all depends, but generally speaking, are they hurting when we don't talk to them even if there was a breakup.

[Octoberfest]

I'd wager it hurts... . it is rejection, plain and simple, which is a core issue that pwBPD deal with. Does it eat them from within until they are able to contact you again? No.  I don't really believe that pwBPD see RS partners as individuals like normal people do... . We are there to serve a purpose and fill a need, and we are easily replaceable.  A relationship with a pwBPD is a very shallow one, no matter how it may seem.  To make a slight change to a common saying, (same ___, different day), same ___, different person. Add into it that pwBPD expect to be abandoned (and thus many times abandon YOU before you INEVITABLY (in their minds) do it to them), and what you have is a person who has become very gifted at charming and seducing people... . because, in their minds, it is a matter of survival.

[Ironmanrises]

No, the non is seen as a need. Nothing more. If the pwBPD needs you, you are missed as such. Otherwise, no.

[Turkish]

I'd wager it hurts... . it is rejection, plain and simple, which is a core issue that pwBPD deal with. Does it eat them from within until they are able to contact you again? No.  I don't really believe that pwBPD see RS partners as individuals like normal people do... . We are there to serve a purpose and fill a need, and we are easily replaceable.  A relationship with a pwBPD is a very shallow one, no matter how it may seem.  To make a slight change to a common saying, (same ___, different day), same ___, different person. Add into it that pwBPD expect to be abandoned (and thus many times abandon YOU before you INEVITABLY (in their minds) do it to them), and what you have is a person who has become very gifted at charming and seducing people... . because, in their minds, it is a matter of survival.

Very succinct and correct. Mine got what she needed out of me : children, then fixed herself so she will never go through it again, and can have all of the shallow relationships she wants worry free. After the neutering, it was a year's long exponential decay, encouraged by my FOO issues too.

[goingtostopthis]

I dont think they all ways replace you.  at least not right away... I know mine hasnt and I dont think he could even if he wanted to. I imagine hes feelings sorry for himself and holding out still out of a form of punishment more then anything.  He wants me to feel as bad about myself as he can,  rejection being the ultimate. He said maybe someday we can still be friends,  I cant imagine why he said that practically in the same breath of telling me I needed to move on,  which was a statement so out of context to what was going on in reference to the time period this had been going on with us. I could see if I had been contacting him for months or a year but it had only been 3 weeks and the day before we were speaking to each other very nicely as friends. To me I see it that its all in the language and said in a way to be as hurtful as possible. They say their mean stuff impulsively and then suffer for it behind their dark curtains later.  I quite frankly cant see how hes coping because we spoke to each other everyday for a least 6 months, morning and night  and then week ends.  We became pretty dependant on each other and very close good friends, we relied on each other for this, just coping ,leaning on each other from day to day. And then all of a sudden its over?  I know my reality on this end hasnt been a party,with him being more sensitive and being real with reality I dont think hes coping well at all.  Apart of me doesnt care and Im looking at this in a more positive way that maybe this is just what he needs,to sleep in the bed he made himself by himself. Maybe this is a chance for him to change. I say maybe, I dont have to count on it. I do know as Im beginning to recovery more for myself that I have been absolutely right about his mental state and I dont feel  bad anymore about mentioning this to him. You know, he punished me for this like you wouldnt believe... . Made me such a bad person for even saying the words BPD. I told him to look it up. I doubt he did, but who knows,   I stayed shamed for a long time for saying this, but now Im coming out of this and realizing that I had nothing to be ashamed of at all!  I was trying to help him. I had the fore sight to see it and  was right.   I named it what it was, not in a shameful way to him but in a way to help him understand the intensity of what hes been going through and how destructive and unhealthy its been to both of us. He took it as an attack of course.  What can you do? Im not going to hate myself for this like he wants me to.  Im proud of myself for having the gusts to speak the truth and I have decided that this isnt going to efect my self esteem in a negtive way any more.  Its enhancing it if anything, bringing me closer to loving and embracing myself. I told him in love, whether he see this or not, this isnt whats really important.  I see it.  I see it now for myself and I love myself for it.

[goingtostopthis]

to conclude this all Im saying is that this knowledge is helping me to detach myself from him, To detach my self from his  hurtful words and to know they have nothing to do with me at all.  They have everything to do with him.

[Turkish]

Hi goingtostopthis... . telling someone you think they have BPD is generally thought of to not be a good idea. I did the same and she told me later it scared the crap out of her, but what's done is done... .

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

[goingtostopthis]

I am not his definition of me.   The only definition I am coming from him are words designed to hurt, and words are all they are.   just words which in the  end are nothing more then meaningless banter being thrown off by an emotionally immature, miserable self hating person.    I think that just about says it all.

[Turkish]

I am not his definition of me.   The only definition I am coming from him are words designed to hurt, and words are all they are.   just words which in the  end are nothing more then meaningless banter being thrown off by an emotionally immature, miserable self hating person.    I think that just about says it all.

Yes, and its good you see the gaslighting for what it is.

[goingtostopthis]

WEll I hear you about scaring the crap out of her.   But in my situation I tried to soften it as much as I could but it didnt matter.  What did matter was that this guy was really hurting me beyond recall.   He wasnt in reality and was so irrationally cruel to me I  had no choice.   Quite frankly when it comes to the high degree of abuse some of these people dish out telling them what they are is all one can do to save whats left of themselves.  Why pretend beyond the truth. Why shelter a person who is so destructive to destroying another person's life with out a second thought.   Also,    this guy of mine was talking suicide... . what shock has my pronouncement been  to him and this illness in accordance to the amount of shocks ,over and over again that he has been subjecting me to. I rest my case.  

[Pinoypride18]

goingtostopthis, I get what you are trying to say. I also told my BPDex that she has BPD and to also look it up. But i doubt she did, denial. But it is not my problem. I was not trying to attack her but since he was someone i cared for i just hate to see her get worse. And im trying to get that it was her problems, her issues. I know what i did wrong in the relationship but some of the things she bring upon herself. And that this shows more about her character than mine.

But there is no way of telling them the have BPD without them being all defensive.

[BorisAcusio]

No, the non is seen as a need. Nothing more. If the pwBPD needs you, you are missed as such. Otherwise, no.

My exBPDgf had a rare honest moment about this when we last talked. She confessed that the only time she misses me when something goes wrong in her life. Then you can serve your purpose as a rescuer only to be abandoned or betrayed when you're not useful anymore.

[love4meNOTu]

Well honestly the NC is for us. To help us stop the pain of continued contact.

I don't think NC has any impact on my ex. He could care less. But this is not surprising to me, he has a new source of narcissistic supply. His motto was always, "On to the next".

[State85]

No, the non is seen as a need. Nothing more. If the pwBPD needs you, you are missed as such. Otherwise, no.

My exBPDgf had a rare honest moment about this when we last talked. She confessed that the only time she misses me when something goes wrong in her life. Then you can serve your purpose as a rescuer only to be abandoned or betrayed when you're not useful anymore.

I so agree with this

[Turkish]

No, the non is seen as a need. Nothing more. If the pwBPD needs you, you are missed as such. Otherwise, no.

My exBPDgf had a rare honest moment about this when we last talked. She confessed that the only time she misses me when something goes wrong in her life. Then you can serve your purpose as a rescuer only to be abandoned or betrayed when you're not useful anymore.

This is my Ex's approach to therapy. Go when things go bad, then abandon therapy when things are going well. Rinse, repeat. After a few years of going, finally being diagonsed with depression (three years ago), then not, then going again this past year, she finally started talking about her childhood issues. Really? Only Now?

[myself]

Put relief and panic in a blender.

Keep your finger on the button.

Something like that.