Torturing me about sleeping with other guys

[Front runner]

Have not been here for a while due to further10+ recycles. I'm now a basket case. Going to leave work and take some time off. During the recycles I went from being the main boyfriend to the guy she sleeps with to get the validation. At this point I have tried once again to firmly close the door.

What I have noticed this last time round is a kind of sick pleasure she has got from torturing me about sleeping with other guys and how this sick smile appears on her face. During sex she was jokingly talking of her desire to destroy me and that her sexual fantasies regarding that.

I have reached such a low ebb now that I wait for her call to want to come round and I can get a bread crumb of validation. Such a low ebb and hope finally to have hit rock bottom.

I am still longing for her to call even though contact from her and interaction is destroying me.

I think she is a sociopath.

I need help. Thanks

[BorisAcusio]

What I have noticed this last time round is a kind of sick pleasure she has got from torturing me about sleeping with other guys and how this sick smile appears on her face.

I feel for you. I've seen that cruel grin on her face when she talked about her sexual advantures with the guy she was screwing with behind my back. We were still together.

I guess some of them are comorbid with other serious illnesses.

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2011/05/bordering-on-sociopathy_18.html

A case could be made that BPD has sociopathic traits: Our behavior is extremely abnormal, we have a skewed sense of empathy, we act with regards to our immediate needs without concern for how it will affect others (most notably with Low Functioning BPD; High Functioning BPD we may want to act this way but we can often restrain the impulse), we’re impulsive, manipulative, etc.

That's exactly what I experinced.

[mitchell16]

Im sorry you are going through this. That sounds terrible. I myself just dodged what i beleive to be a recycle attempt. IM feeling really down myself. I thought i was much further in my recovery and i opened up the door and allowed her back into my life. Lucky it was just phone calls and a few lunches together. BUt I feel like Im right back where i started at. Mine loves to tell me about all the men in her life that are chasing her and how many want her. She never tells me me about sex with other people but she always lets me know jsut how many other men want her.

[Front runner]

This seems to have become a hook for me albeit very unwittingly.

Is this a massive loss of self esteem or what? I don't know

[heartandwhole]

This seems to have become a hook for me albeit very unwittingly.

Is this a massive loss of self esteem or what? I don't know

Front runner,

You are probably still in the FOG, and yes, our self-esteem takes a massive hit when we are "abandoned" repeatedly. It feels like a primal attachment being ripped away, and we caused it, because we're defective.  Our relationship also becomes like an addiction, whose withdrawal cravings mimic those from stopping heroin.

Time, and feeling your feelings will get you through this.  Step by step, short term goals become long-term change.

What good things are you planning to do for yourself during your break from work?

[growing_wings]

I have reached such a low ebb now that I wait for her call to want to come round and I can get a bread crumb of validation. Such a low ebb and hope finally to have hit rock bottom.

fronrunnrer, sorry you feel like that...

apart from waiting for her to call, what else do you think you need to do to get validation from other sources? would it help to talk to a friend? or start another project?

[Front runner]

Going to work triggers me as she lives just round the corner.

Since I've been with her- on off for 2 years I've lost a lot of passion for what I was doing.

I'm planning on taking a month out here trying to level myself with ongoing therapy then go travelling for six weeks or so.

I'm still in the place of hoping for contact so a lot depends on that.

She might think I'm spent out now and she's probably right. (That sounds pathetic) I need to get to a place where I don't want contact or don't want to get back together with her. I'm not quite there yet despite the horrific betrayals, total indifference towards me and her not wanting to be in a relationship with me. I keep asking people 'will she call?'. My brains in a terrible loop!

Looking at it like heroin withdrawal is a good angle as it negates the love/fantasy aspect

[Front runner]

Thanks growing wings I'm talking to anyone who can bear to listen.

And I'm going to start something new. Just don't know what yet.

[growing_wings]

Going to work triggers me as she lives just round the corner.

Since I've been with her- on off for 2 years I've lost a lot of passion for what I was doing.

I'm planning on taking a month out here trying to level myself with ongoing therapy then go travelling for six weeks or so.

I'm still in the place of hoping for contact so a lot depends on that.

She might think I'm spent out now and she's probably right. (That sounds pathetic) I need to get to a place where I don't want contact or don't want to get back together with her. I'm not quite there yet despite the horrific betrayals, total indifference towards me and her not wanting to be in a relationship with me. I keep asking people 'will she call?'. My brains in a terrible loop!

Looking at it like heroin withdrawal is a good angle as it negates the love/fantasy aspect

It is good you have plans to travel, but if you havent done any booking or firm plan so far because you are waiting to call for her, then that is a barrier. Keep the traveling in your plans, but start with something that would enable you to do while you are in your standard town, so you can ease yourself out of the FOG little by little...

yes is true, when i was in my r/s with the pwBPD, i left all the things and frienships that i felt passion for (one of their tools to control us)... . so is common that you abandonded those things, what about taking one of them up? re-connecting with something , being activity, or group that you feel happy and passionate about?

is very hard to stand in our own feet after a situation like this, and i agree, i have also compared this to a withdrawal from a chemical substance, damn hard. but IS possible, with effort, endurance and determination.

waht activity would you like to take on that you liked before your r/s with the pwBPD?

have you seen a Therapist? that has done wonders to me... .

[Front runner]

I'm planning on going surfing. Although I'm rubbish- the ocean is the most

Therapeutic place for me. But I want to get in a place of acceptance before I go.

Otherwise it'll be a bad trip angled on her and not me. Fit and tanned for her not for me.

It seems that everything I would do positive for myself is actually for her- cut down drinking,

Go swimming etc all for her and not for me. I feel stuck

[shellsh0cked]

My ex came into my house one night after one of our 1000 breakups wanting her "closure".  She was yelling at me outside and when she came in the door she was PROUDLY telling me about how she "___ed" two other guys in the two weeks we were apart.  She only said those things just to be as hurtful as possible... . I get it.  

She constantly accused me of looking sexually at all kinds of women... . and also that a man couldn't go to a bar without his lady... . have a drink... . and most certainly not have a buzz god forbid... . without sleeping with some tramp there.  She liked to tell me how she is a "lady" and how she used to act like "that back in the day", but doesn't do that anymore... . Funny because in the two years we were involved?  She slept with 4 guys (that I know of) during breaks... . so I am just gonna go ahead right there and call that BULLSH!T.   One of them in fact just a couple hours after a fight.  This is ALL projection... . of how she acts.  "YOU'RE promiscuous!  NOT ME!  You can't handle a drink without cheating!  I can!  I'm a lady!"  Yeah... . some lady.  She drinks... . she f#cks... . anything basically with a penis... . Worry about consequences or self esteem later!  Just as a side note... . I've had a one night stand once or twice... . but I NEVER picked up a woman from a bar and had sex with her in my whole life

So yeah, I get that kind of treatment... . Best thing for you to do?  :)o whatever you can to forget her existence.  One thing is for sure... . she's got her claws in you deep... . Mine did too.  Take everything that reminds you of her... . put it in a box and tape it up so you can't see it... . Start writing in a journal... . whatever you are feeling... . Good, bad, anger... . whatever.  Let it go.  For me it is kind of like venting to yourself.  Write some about pros and cons for staying and leaving.  I think when you do that it becomes more clear that there is little reason for staying in that relationship... . because the bad column has a LOT more entries than the good column.  Go back and read your entries weeks later... . evaluate how you're feeling... . take them to a therapist if you want.  A lot of times they can sort through this mess.  

Just remember to deal with it as little pieces... . not a big overwhelming issue.  You will not overcome this overnight or all at once.  Hang in there.

SS

[DontPanic]

Wow, I remember back in the day when I wanted things to work out, how I blindly ignored signs that things were horribly wrong. to the break up of our marriage, then the point at which i had to stop fighting and think of the kids first and put up with her crazy. I think it was at that point that I started dreading sleeping with the ex, it kinda grossed me out. then we reached the point where there was physical danger to the children and I determined that this had to stop.

At some point everyone has enough... . the odd thing is her parents actually expected me to want to help them through the grief of her passing... My thought... are you kidding me?