The Circle of Drama

[Legacymaker]

December 26-Mother rages and nearly destroys me

January 4-Phone conversation using DEARMAN technique to try to maintain some control

January 5-FB message asking me to apologize for something I supposedly said 1 1/2 years ago-I ignored it

February 1-Apology letter arrives-reminds me I am at fault too

February 2-Her husband texts my husband to ask my reaction to above letter.  My husband explains that I am not angry, just severely broken.  He tells her husband

                 that the apology fell flat because she added "but" at the end.  Her husband admits that she is extremely jealous of my life and that they are working on it.

February 14-I fb message her to tell her my MIL is in the hospital (they are good friends)-kept it to just the facts, but added a single kiss, feeling generous because it was VD.

February 15, 16, 17, 18-Random fb messages acting like there are no problems, expressing her profound love and admiration for all that I am!

February 19- Message saying she has cancer (she had melanoma a few years ago, this growth is a squamous cell-far less serious)

My response to her was:

"I am sorry to hear this news.  Very proud of you for staying on top of your health issues.  Hope all goes well. xxx"

I know her next move will be to text all of my son's and tell them she has cancer... . she will leave out the defining fact that this one is pretty common and probably nothing to worry about.

My next move will be trying to let each of my son's know the news before she can be dramatic about it.

Guilt and obligation are filling my world.  I know this (her health issues) will be one of the ways she will try to pull me back in.  

If I act neutral about this, it will be her tool for telling our other family members what a heartless b**** I am.

I hate this constant chess match!

I am not really ready to resume regular contact.  I'm about to be painted very black if I don't.  Any suggestions?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Your acting neutral about this diagnosis is what I thought of the minute I read your post, Legacy.

You have adult children somewhere around my mid-20s adults kids' ages, if I remember correctly.

As another mother who has let her adult children do so many things denied to you and me in our younger years, please let me explain how I think "neutral" is the route you might follow.

Whatever she texts or informs them, it's okay.

If it's over the top drama that she is at death's door, your capable children will know to respond, Oh gosh grandma [however they'd refer to her] I'm so sorry, you know you are in my thoughts.

If it's just a text saying this seems to be her diagnosis - okay... .

Your response to her was lovely, sincerely lovely.

Don't go thinking about her next move, your next move, then your kids' and then yours again... .

Her swirl of drama does not have to suck you into the void.

Let it unfold.

I feel okay encouraging you to do this as last year at this time I was hearing that my late mother wouldn't survive the week (from extended family) and I just let it be... . I heard she was not going to see February... . well she did and in the meantime burned up my phone and left VMs here.

If I'd tried to forecast her next move and counteract it, I'd just be lining up with the insane approach of cat and mouse.

I am not trying to minimize how you feel, or the gravity of this situation.

But let your children now function in the adult, concerned, capable way you've taught them.

They can do it.

Let her be dramatic.

Let her tell anyone anything she wants about you (as eye-popping as that comment makes me in all honesty!).

It's a free world.

You are free to not play her game. You refer to it as a chess match and it can be.

But not if you step away from that board.

She's left to move her pieces (her news, her hurtful comments, her dysfunction) as she needs to and as she is compelled to do.

Be compelled to step out.

I promise you, I swear to you, there is no guilt in my heart for not jumping when my late mother and every extended family member she could recruit (and she WAS dying, actually, even then still at it!) was being manipulative.

Be painted black.

There are worse things, I swear.

Like being in contact.

Do you see the horrible dance that you are still willing to perform? and willing in the sense it's how she's trained you.

Old dog new tricks - as the ol' geezers say around here, that dog don' hunt no mo'.

Let yourself off the merry go round.

Your children are going to manage this okay.

I bet they know that her drama and emergency does not equate panic on their end.

So been where you are, so get it, SO understand. 

[Legacymaker]

December 26-Mother rages and nearly destroys me

January 4-Phone conversation using DEARMAN technique to try to maintain some control

January 5-FB message asking me to apologize for something I supposedly said 1 1/2 years ago-I ignored it

February 1-Apology letter arrives-reminds me I am at fault too

February 2-Her husband texts my husband to ask my reaction to above letter.  My husband explains that I am not angry, just severely broken.  He tells her husband

                that the apology fell flat because she added "but" at the end.  Her husband admits that she is extremely jealous of my life and that they are working on it.

February 14-I fb message her to tell her my MIL is in the hospital (they are good friends)-kept it to just the facts, but added a single kiss, feeling generous because it was VD.

February 15, 16, 17, 18-Random fb messages acting like there are no problems, expressing her profound love and admiration for all that I am!

February 19- Message saying she has cancer (she had melanoma a few years ago, this growth is a squamous cell-far less serious)

March 3-My son went to visit his grandparents over the weekend. (They are suddenly offering big financial incentives).

           My mother tells him she has cancer. (*see Feb 19)  I get a  call from my son, complaining that I need to put this last argument right, before something awful

           happens to her. (Remember it was me that sat silent for nearly an hour as she raged vile, hostile verbal abuses at me, telling me of every way I have failed to

           make her happy for the past 30+ years... . and the message is still that I need to put it right?  

           I haven't ever told my own children the seriousness of her verbal spewing.  

           My mother also decided to burden this child (he is 27) by sharing her childhood traumas (she is 70).  He now believes that he has "enlightened" her to finally let

           go of the pain. (Truth is, she no longer has me to listen to her daily diatribe, so he is her next scapegoat.)  He doesn't realize she has run through every friend,

           by playing the martyr and victim her whole life).  

           Of course she is insisting that she is heartbroken because she has lost "her best friend"... . (when I hear this, I slap myself in the forehead, of course I think, why

           didn't I get that message as she was vomiting her verbal attacks all over me)  

           Like clockwork tonight, I get another fb message. She is telling me my son is traveling safely, he's going to see a friend on his way home and he had a great

           weekend with them. (Does she think I don't have direct and regular contact with him?  :)oes she believe he isn't going to share her points of view with me?  

           :)oes she realize that I have wised up and that I can finally see through every countermove she makes)  I am trying to remain neutral.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Oh oh! Legacy! In your shoes so recently enough - oldest 27 as well, and the FB pix of FOO with him where he works - waiting wondering when the onslaught of comments might begin about why I am not doing this or that, like I am the one who needs to extend olive branch.

It never came. I am not comparing your son with mine, just the turn of events. My son was never scapegoated like yours is being. She is wielding him at you like a mace. You know... . gladiators had nothing on bloodthirsty combat compared to these people who basically installed all our buttons, they know just where to push.

Here's what I say to you, as you and I have already realized we are same age, kids same age, etc.

You have to let this trickle through your fingers. Like sand at the beach. That is not minimizing your feelings and sorrow that your own beloved boy is getting his head turned - but when they are adults, and we've done our job right, we HAVE to let go. We can't send anything back up the pipeline. If he is being used, and you've stated how you feel about x y and z... . then he needs to really apply what you've taught him and understand to stay out of it. The "trouble" between your mother and you is just that - between the two of you. Not him and you and her. She is triangulating like the first-class expert she is and he is being scammed and cheated out of any real ties to her that a grandmother should be enjoying.

He is an object to her. But you have to let it play out.

If you respond with JADE, you will be objectifying him all the more. When you tell him, "I'm sorry, I will not discuss this with you" and then you don't, you are teaching him the most valuable lesson of all - he will tell himself at some point, "My mother said no. She means No."

Don't set an example that some other human being can make you crumble. He needs to see your restraint. I know it is not ambivalence underneath - the photo I saw on FB was just as that son was getting married, I went into sheer trembling sobbing overload, I kid you not, that suddenly our amazing trip and wedding weekend with them was going to turn into THESE PEOPLE ruining it.  My daughter, who saw the picture and filled me in as a warning, let me cry and curse... . and then we both said, "But there is nothing to do. It's not up to us."

If your son is 27, he has a right, as painful as it is to you, to be around this woman. He almost sadly has a right to be completely misinformed by her.   :'(  Please know what it takes for me to say that to you, as it's been my constant fear as well as my children leave my home as adults.

I have feared for years, "THEY WILL GET MY KIDS."

No, they won't, if you've taught your boys what they need to know. They might stumble and fall,but they are going to be okay because you instilled good things in them. It might seem like it's costing you everything you worked so hard to achieve but in being healthy parents, we *have* to let them do what they need to do.

And I say every word of that to you with a very heavy heart. You are living my worst fears ever.

EVER.

But you must hold your breath, you will feel like you will smother with the sorrow, but let him realize, "My mother's composure and space and *sanctuary* are not up for grabs, not anymore."

Repeat to him, and it will kill you every time you want to JADE any of his comments, repeat, "I told you, I am not discussing that with you."

This is the test you have prepared him for all of his life. You will pay the price with your peace of mind, and I know how precious that is for a mother like you, mine's felt so in jeopardy over the years... . but you have to let him learn all over again. He can't interfere.

It's not right to interfere.

If he sees he is enabling this woman's dysfunction, he'll stop.

If he doesn't see it, you might have to swallow even more garbage via your own flesh and blood and that is mortifyingly painful.

Do not discuss any of it with him. Keep your refusal to those words, and you can do it "I will not discuss this with you, I told you that... . so what do you think of this stuff in the Ukraine?"

Respect your lovely self enough that even your own boy can't bring you down with her manipulative tactics.

I am so so sorry. You have no idea how much I gagged reading what you typed out.

It is so sickening and familiar and hurtful.

Vent here.

Conserve words with him and do not participate.

Big hug and empathy and compassion in bucketloads.

Modifying to add - block her on FB.  You are poisoning your own heart even reading what she's happily sent you.

You can do this. It is going to take surgical measures of your own, but do not partake in your own dissection at her hands. block her on FB.

It's freedom, I promise you.