OMG stbxBPDh's married GF just called my cell phone and hung up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A couple days ago I found my replacement's name and phone number listed in my contacts of my iPhone THREE times.  No way for me to tell how long it has been there as I just happened to be looking for someone in the same starting letter vicinity when I discovered it.  My stbxBPDh and I share an itunes account and are connected by the cloud.  So he apparently put her contact in the cloud contacts and that made it appear on my phone. I checked all my contacts to see if that happens to be the default setting for my stbxBPDh's phone (i.e. do I have any other contacts of his on my phone).  The answer is no.  This was the only contact of his I had on my phone, so the fact that it was set up that way appears to be deliberate.

I deleted all 3 of the contacts for her a couple days ago.  I do not know if that also deleted them on his phone or not. That would have alerted him to the fact that I found the contact.  But I am not sure if he knows I found the contact or not as I might have only deleted it on my phone and not on the cloud altogether.  But I did take a picture of the contact before I deleted it.  I don't know why, but you never know what you are going to need.   

Anyway, this morning I received a "facetime audio" call from this girl's cell phone number.  She hung up before I answered, so it was a missed call.  I have never heard of "facetime audio" so I looked it up and the only way to make a call like that is to select that type of call in your contacts.  So MY CELL PHONE NUMBER is in the contacts of her phone.  She has a contact for me on her phone.  What the heck?

Now my husband might or might not be with her now, I really don't know.  So this could be all his doing.  But this woman has my cell phone number in her contacts.  Either because she stole it from my husband's phone, asked for it, or my husband put it in there. 

I am having a nervous breakdown.  I started shaking when I saw the number, as I remembered the area code.  What is wrong with these people and why the hell would she be calling me?  Or why the hell would my stbxBPDh want me to think she is calling me?  I don’t like drama and I am pretty unhappy that this mess is my life. 

Any insight?

[16YearBetrayal]

A couple days ago I found my replacement's name and phone number listed in my contacts of my iPhone THREE times.  No way for me to tell how long it has been there as I just happened to be looking for someone in the same starting letter vicinity when I discovered it.  My stbxBPDh and I share an itunes account and are connected by the cloud.  So he apparently put her contact in the cloud contacts and that made it appear on my phone. I checked all my contacts to see if that happens to be the default setting for my stbxBPDh's phone (i.e. do I have any other contacts of his on my phone).  The answer is no.  This was the only contact of his I had on my phone, so the fact that it was set up that way appears to be deliberate.

I deleted all 3 of the contacts for her a couple days ago.  I do not know if that also deleted them on his phone or not. That would have alerted him to the fact that I found the contact.  But I am not sure if he knows I found the contact or not as I might have only deleted it on my phone and not on the cloud altogether.  But I did take a picture of the contact before I deleted it.  I don't know why, but you never know what you are going to need.   

Anyway, this morning I received a "facetime audio" call from this girl's cell phone number.  She hung up before I answered, so it was a missed call.  I have never heard of "facetime audio" so I looked it up and the only way to make a call like that is to select that type of call in your contacts.  So MY CELL PHONE NUMBER is in the contacts of her phone.  She has a contact for me on her phone.  What the heck?

Now my husband might or might not be with her now, I really don't know.  So this could be all his doing.  But this woman has my cell phone number in her contacts.  Either because she stole it from my husband's phone, asked for it, or my husband put it in there. 

I am having a nervous breakdown.  I started shaking when I saw the number, as I remembered the area code.  What is wrong with these people and why the hell would she be calling me?  Or why the hell would my stbxBPDh want me to think she is calling me?  I don’t like drama and I am pretty unhappy that this mess is my life. 

Any insight?

[NyGirl8]

16yearbetrayel:  So sorry you are dealing with this.  I so hear when you say, you do not want drama.  I do, drama makes me freeze up and feel like I am going to throw up all at once.  I dislike confrontation and choose flight 95% of the time!  Good for you for just deleting it weeks ago!

Is there any way you can change your number?  Or block hers?  I don't have an IPhone, so I don't know the ins and outs.  On my droid, I can go into my account and block a number.

It is sad that people enjoy drama, some people clearly enjoy hurting people, starting drama, and confrontation... .

[Changingman]

Put the number back in and block it

[love4meNOTu]

You have to block her number. Please... . this is Triangulation. Your soon to be ex knows exactly what he is doing. Only way to have dignity here is not to play.

Not worth it.

Hugs,

L

[16YearBetrayal]

I get that, but me here with my logical mind just can't understand this.  What exactly does the pwBPD get from Triangulation?  Just drama?  Desire for people to fight over them? 

Honestly, I can't imagine ever doing such a thing, so I just am really confused by the motivations. 

Why would he give this girl my phone number? Why would she ask?  What the heck are these people thinking?

This is definitely a first in my long r/s with him.  So that makes it extra confusing to me. 

[winston72]

At the risk of playing amateur detective, it is not clear yet what she intended in the call to you.  It might well be that she was calling the number to confirm it is you.  At this time, it is not known what he is telling her about his relationship with you.  Suffice to say, it is a lot of unknowns, which in an off itself generates anxiety and a sense of loss of control.

As to what your soon to be ex-husband derives from drawing both women into some form of contact, it is just a smaller symptom of his recent pattern of behavior... . he has, after all, added this woman into his life, not just his phone contacts. 

Your ex and his new interest are operating within two triangles, at least.  She is married and carrying on with him; he was cheating on you with her.  There is obviously a need for this activity on both of their parts.

I am looking for some material on the Karpman Drama Triangle, but I am not having any luck searching the resources on this site.  If I find it, I will post it later.  In the meantime, if anyone else has a link, please post it!

But... . the best/only way to eliminate the drama is to withdraw from the triangle.  It is a "no-win" to participate.  But, learning about its dynamics would be very helpful to identify some of the pressure points on you.

[Tausk]

I'm a bit confused?  Are you still sharing an I phone account with your ex?  And were/are you the primary number on the account?  If so, then the call may have been to your ex's email address that ended being routed to you by mistake, without his gf understanding why it was occurring.  He might have been able to facetime her, but when she tried back, it might have routing to your number.

Also, is there a reason to still share an I-tunes account?  Or any account anymore?  Any source of connection, is a possible route for the Disorder.

If was an act of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0]Triangulation[/b][/url], then do you best to learn about the Disorder, and how you can stay out of the triange.

It's an attachment/engulfment Disorder.  So being in a middle of a push/pull triangle is heaven for the Disorder.  It allows for high emotions, as well as security that someone wants the Disorder, as well as the ability to flee engulfment while having another attachment to run to.

That constant vacillation between people alternating as rescuer and perpetrator, while being the victim in the middle, for me that was pretty much a replication of the Disorder.

[16YearBetrayal]

Tausk, To answer your questions.

1. We do not share a phone account. 

2. We do share an iTunes account and therefore an apple ID and the cloud.  I will be working to switch my iTunes account to my own.  I didn't exactly think that was a top priority compared to all the other things I am doing to separate my life.  But clearly I was wrong.   

3. No there is no way that the call was meant for him and went to me.  That has never happened and could only happen if he added my phone number as another number on his phone to receive calls.  I would have received an alert if that happened, which I did not. 

4.  Her phone definitely called my phone.  That is about all I know.  Who called and why, I don't know.

I have read up a bit on the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I get it better now.

I don't plan to block the number as if it calls again, I do plan to answer.  Sorry, it is a pure curiosity thing.   Both me and my T slightly think my stbexH could be delusional about this entire relationship.  I would never call her, but if she calls me, it might give me insight into whether it is a delusion or not.  I am very good at keeping my composure.  And that is what I will do, if she calls again. 

I know this is being stuck in the past, but it is really hard for me not to obsess some about this other r/s.  If this other r/s is a delusion, there is a good chance my H will not move away, which highly impacts our D16's life. 

[winston72]

I don't think it is necessarily being stuck in the past.  I think one of the foundations of psychological health as advocated by this site is "facing the facts" (brilliant observation of mine since it is the site name!), and in order to do this we need to know that facts!  I have been a king of denial, compartmentalization and the result has been a lot of unrealistic thinking and ongoing attachments to fantasies.  Put simply, i did not have a full view of how incapable my ex was of being a reliable partner (ongoing affair for one year... . duh!).  In the name of "no contact" I avoided learning certain truths or looking at her and our relationship and, hence, myself. 

Okay, this is a long winded way of saying that being informed about what is going on is not the same as being stuck in the past, nor is it the same as being a participant in a drama triangle.  You are still in a learning and fact gathering mode about the extent of your husband's issues... . and who he is materially affects your life and your future, as does his relationship with this woman.  You will not "heal" yourself by focusing on them, but neither will you be able to make informed judgments by being uninformed.  A bit of a sensitive dance for you internally, but something to consider. 

[Tausk]

It's so very hard.  And only you can decide what is the best response.  Information is important, but I had to learn that in the Disorder, what is considered information is less reliable than in Spy Vs. Spy.  

I simply think about all the things that my Ex would say and try to do, only to have things flip flop flip flop flip... .   Not because it's a deliberate attempt to fool or manipulate, but because the Disorder doesn't really know what it wants other than to vacillate between push and pull.  

And remember, your replacement is in the idealized mirror stage.  She probably thinks that you are as evil as her husband, so she honestly sees you as an abusive, overbearing, non-giving, suffocating, demanding... .  perpetrator.  And she and your ex will save each other.   Maybe not true, but her feelings nevertheless.

Keep on the Board.  It's hard and scary, but you're doing it.  As a suggestion,  try to keep depersonalized by keeping in mind any interaction or responses should be in the best interest of you and your daughter.  It's hard not to be triggered, but try to keep mindful.

And be kind to yourself.  You deserve kindness and happiness.

[16YearBetrayal]

And remember, your replacement is in the idealized mirror stage.  She probably thinks that you are as evil as her husband, so she honestly sees you as an abusive, overbearing, non-giving, suffocating, demanding... .   perpetrator.  And she and your ex will save each other.   

Agree complexly. 

The only factual issue with this is this woman just got married in March of last year!  She hasn't even been married a year yet!  Who is already thinking their newlywed husband is evil in less than a year and willing to end the marriage so quickly?  This is her first marriage, and she is in her early 30s.  I know anything is possible, but it seems crazy to me.  But then I try to remind myself, my ex would only be attracted to someone if they were not healthy.  So it is quite likely that she is not healthy and therefore will do something that is CRAZY! 

But this is why my T and I keep thinking this could be a big delusion.  Or something he thinks will cause me fight for him – to win him back or whatever.  I did do this once before.  I cannot understand the BPD mind. 

I will be kind to myself.  Information is power.  I wish sometimes I just knew the facts so I could stop trying to guess them.  In the end it makes little difference on the outcome.  It just gives me peace of mind. 

I have actually had a pretty good week despite the fact that my stbexH has made contact EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Since we have a daughter together, and haven’t even started the divorce process yet, the no contact thing is impossible.  But I am doing great on the limited contact.  I don’t respond if there is no need for a response, and I respond simply and factually if there is a need for a response.

[Tausk]

And remember, your replacement is in the idealized mirror stage.  She probably thinks that you are as evil as her husband, so she honestly sees you as an abusive, overbearing, non-giving, suffocating, demanding... .   perpetrator.  And she and your ex will save each other.   

Agree complexly. 

The only factual issue with this is this woman just got married in March of last year!  She hasn't even been married a year yet!  Who is already thinking their newlywed husband is evil in less than a year and willing to end the marriage so quickly?  This is her first marriage, and she is in her early 30s.  I know anything is possible, but it seems crazy to me.  But then I try to remind myself, my ex would only be attracted to someone if they were not healthy.  So it is quite likely that she is not healthy and therefore will do something that is CRAZY! 

But this is why my T and I keep thinking this could be a big delusion.  Or something he thinks will cause me fight for him – to win him back or whatever.  I did do this once before.  I cannot understand the BPD mind. 

I will be kind to myself.  Information is power.  I wish sometimes I just knew the facts so I could stop trying to guess them.  In the end it makes little difference on the outcome.  It just gives me peace of mind. 

I have actually had a pretty good week despite the fact that my stbexH has made contact EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Since we have a daughter together, and haven’t even started the divorce process yet, the no contact thing is impossible.  But I am doing great on the limited contact.  I don’t respond if there is no need for a response, and I respond simply and factually if there is a need for a response.

Yes, your ex's r/s with his new object may not last.  Who knows anything about that outcome?  I'm sure neither of them know anything either.  So be careful about hoping to be able to make any real predictions.  You might as well be picking lotto numbers.

I'm glad that you seem to be finding some direction.  I'd say peace, but that might be too much to expect at this time.   The feelings and days will ebb and flow, but keep on the board, and learning.  I'm glad you're seeing a T.  It helped me so much. 

When you are ready and have time,  maybe read the posts of a member named "2010"  Nothing helped me more than doing that over and over and over again for the past year. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=760

[myself]

He's playing games, she's seeing through it, it was a mistake?

Good for you to keep stepping back from it.

Communicating honestly. As yourself.

[Cumulus]

Hi there 16year, Oh the confusion, what is real, what is only manufactured to feel real? The first six months after separation were for me a time of turmoil, gas lighting, stalking and personal paranoia. There was so many weird things happening. There were love notes found in  personal places that should have been off limits to him, crazy emails with hidden meanings ending with, you know what I mean, (NO! I don't!) , petty vandalism to my home, a contract to jointly buy a new house, (what was that!), coming home to my grass cut, emails with professions of undying love, abusive phone calls full of anger, manipulation of our children to intercede on his behalf.

I really was paranoid so had the keys to the house changed. A few weeks later he showed up at my door with a key and said I found this in the driveway I think it belongs to your new locks. It did. As best I can figure it out he had come over to my house while I was at work, found he couldn't get in so knew I had locks changed. Then went to daughters house and slipped shiny new key off her key rack correctly assuming I would have given her a new one.

Paranoia increased further. I really felt I was living in a world where nothing made sense. I had security cameras installed inside and out. I was still convinced he could somehow hear me when I was in the house and my dear friends humoured me by always sitting outside to talk when they came over.

It was a really painful time. I didn't know who I was or what was happening. It was a time to only survive. It passed. As he gradually over the next six months to year decreased contact I became more able to understand my reality. He wasn't able to distort it like he had previously done. It's probably been just over a year at this point since he has contacted me at all. I feel much more secure with my cameras up. If something seems off I can check and yes there have been two times when I saw him around the property, just looking.

Hang in there 16 year, every day will bring new concerns but eventually those concerns will no longer involve him. All the best, I wish you strength and courage.