I don't know which direction to go with BPD mom.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My uBPD mother fits the description of the Queen perfectly.  For almost a year now, I've been living over seas and now that she knows my family and I are moving back to the States soon, she's started the (strong) pull of the push-pull cycle.  She's sent me several emails just since yesterday when learning that we're moving back as well as sent me a Facebook message.  However, since moving away, I have been the "all-bad" child in her mind and she has had very little contact with me, and when we do communicate, there is always a hostile undertone on her part….and all this has been much, much worse since Christmas when I saw her.

I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and am almost done with Understanding the Borderline Mother at the suggestion of my counselor.  I'm ready to make some changes in the way that we relate to each other for the purpose of strengthening myself and at the same time realizing the great possibility that she will never change as she doesn't see anything wrong in herself.  I'm tired of being mistreated, manipulated and controlled. 

So, as I see it I have 3 options.  I talked with my counselor about the possibility of going no contact for a while with a therapy ultimatum.  However, we both agreed that she would only go to get close to me and not for the purpose of making change in herself - which will ultimately not accomplish anything except to give me the space I need from her.  The second option would be to allow myself to have space (no contact) until we move in a couple months for the purpose of strengthening myself to get to a point where I can stand up to her and confront her when she is mistreating, guilt tripping or manipulating me.  When I get back to the States, I would have a prearranged time to meet with her to discuss some of the poor dynamics of our relationship with regard to her BPD and set stronger boundaries with her.  The third option is to go ahead and start trying to confront her as soon as she does something I don't agree with and keep this up without backing down on the boundaries I set.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that yet.  Because I was never allowed to say no growing up and I had to do, say, and believe everything she said without question, I still freeze up in front of her even when I can see exactly what she is trying to do to me.

So, I don't know.  I've been weighing these three options in my head.  I'm leaning towards the second one but I would have to grow a lot in the next couple months to even be able to have that type of conversation with her and not let her denial and guilt trips get to me.  (Side note: being in her presence, talking through Skype or email physically effects me.  I get headaches and have nightmares the same day as communicating with her.)  I would love to hear your opinions and/or experiences or suggestions on steps I can take to strengthen myself against her emotional abuse.  Thank you!

[puppetnomore]

My uBPD mother fits the description of the Queen perfectly.  For almost a year now, I've been living over seas and now that she knows my family and I are moving back to the States soon, she's started the (strong) pull of the push-pull cycle.  She's sent me several emails just since yesterday when learning that we're moving back as well as sent me a Facebook message.  However, since moving away, I have been the "all-bad" child in her mind and she has had very little contact with me, and when we do communicate, there is always a hostile undertone on her part….and all this has been much, much worse since Christmas when I saw her.

I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and am almost done with Understanding the Borderline Mother at the suggestion of my counselor.  I'm ready to make some changes in the way that we relate to each other for the purpose of strengthening myself and at the same time realizing the great possibility that she will never change as she doesn't see anything wrong in herself.  I'm tired of being mistreated, manipulated and controlled. 

So, as I see it I have 3 options.  I talked with my counselor about the possibility of going no contact for a while with a therapy ultimatum.  However, we both agreed that she would only go to get close to me and not for the purpose of making change in herself - which will ultimately not accomplish anything except to give me the space I need from her.  The second option would be to allow myself to have space (no contact) until we move in a couple months for the purpose of strengthening myself to get to a point where I can stand up to her and confront her when she is mistreating, guilt tripping or manipulating me.  When I get back to the States, I would have a prearranged time to meet with her to discuss some of the poor dynamics of our relationship with regard to her BPD and set stronger boundaries with her.  The third option is to go ahead and start trying to confront her as soon as she does something I don't agree with and keep this up without backing down on the boundaries I set.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that yet.  Because I was never allowed to say no growing up and I had to do, say, and believe everything she said without question, I still freeze up in front of her even when I can see exactly what she is trying to do to me.

So, I don't know.  I've been weighing these three options in my head.  I'm leaning towards the second one but I would have to grow a lot in the next couple months to even be able to have that type of conversation with her and not let her denial and guilt trips get to me.  (Side note: being in her presence, talking through Skype or email physically effects me.  I get headaches and have nightmares the same day as communicating with her.)  I would love to hear your opinions and/or experiences or suggestions on steps I can take to strengthen myself against her emotional abuse.  Thank you!

[GeekyGirl]

I think it's always a good idea to trust your instincts, and working with a counselor will help you to hone them and use them to make a healthy decision.

The second option would be to allow myself to have space (no contact) until we move in a couple months for the purpose of strengthening myself to get to a point where I can stand up to her and confront her when she is mistreating, guilt tripping or manipulating me.  When I get back to the States, I would have a prearranged time to meet with her to discuss some of the poor dynamics of our relationship with regard to her BPD and set stronger boundaries with her.

This is more of a therapeutic separation, and sometimes that will help you find some clarity and strength. How have things gone with your counselor so far? Do you think that you can work out a plan with him/her to help you get to a better place in a few months?

I totally understand the physical effects of stress--I've felt that too. How are you working through the headaches and nightmares? I find that it's easier to deal with my mother when I'm feeling good and taking care of myself.

I know this is tough, but it sounds like you're really thinking this through. There's no right or wrong way to go here--you need to honor yourself and determine what's best for you.