One of the ultimate betrayals; getting replaced by your best friend

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone else experienced this type of betrayal? I used to confide in my ex best friend that my exBPDgf was pressuring marriage just a few months into our relationship. He told me that he thought she was toxic and that I thought I should leave her. He has a drinking problem. One of the only times she met him was when I called her and needed her assistence to help me drag him into his home from my car because he had passed out from drinking. I guess he made a good impression on her. It was not long after that when she contacted him to start a smear campaign against me.   Then she seduced him. They lasted only 4 months and has since replaced him with a new guy she was able to move into her home in just a few weeks. This has been very painful.

[swimjim]

Has anyone else experienced this type of betrayal? I used to confide in my ex best friend that my exBPDgf was pressuring marriage just a few months into our relationship. He told me that he thought she was toxic and that I thought I should leave her. He has a drinking problem. One of the only times she met him was when I called her and needed her assistence to help me drag him into his home from my car because he had passed out from drinking. I guess he made a good impression on her. It was not long after that when she contacted him to start a smear campaign against me.   Then she seduced him. They lasted only 4 months and has since replaced him with a new guy she was able to move into her home in just a few weeks. This has been very painful.

[swimjim]

How embarrassing. No replies. Now I really feel a real lack of self esteem.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I am so sorry this happened to you.  That would hurt so badly.

Are you NC with him right now?

[swimjim]

Yes. Thanks for the reply. I will never talk to him again. I did so much for helping him when he was drunk. I was a good friend. He avoids me at all costs now. Maybe he feels guilty. I don't know. I could never do that to a friend. She is even more evil. If she wanted to hurt me by dating my best friend, she got the job done. No empathy on her part. For someone who wanted to marry me so much to all of a sudden not even care anymore. I can't rationalize any of this.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Me either... I can't rationalize it at all... .

it angers me and makes me want to contact and do the whole "logic"

attempt with him. But they don't work on logic at all... .  

It hurts so badly... they hurt us then blame us... So I don't even

try anymore, because I know I'll just be even more hurt all over again.


Borderlines never apologize and when they do... it's for selfish reasons...

so dunno why I'm looking for this.


I had a best friend I would confide in to about abuse... (this was in another relationship)

I helped my ex get a job where this supposed bf was working... I moved half an hour out

of town an they were besties. It REALLY sucked. It's amazing how many "friends" we have

that aren't actually friends at all. More snakes In the sand than you can see and count.

Makes it REALLY difficult to trust anyone again

[swimjim]

It is possible my ex friend only wanted sex especially knowing how she was always pressuring me to marry her. Why would he want anything more from someone obsessed with getting married early on in a relationship. Plus, She is the one that contacted him to start the smear campaign against me. I don't know what the content of the discussion was about me but I can guess everything was twisted to make her out as the victim. Sometimes I wish these borderlines would be forced into therapy if they are allowed to abuse people who love them. Discard, rinse, replace, repeat. They can justify it in their head. That is what is so frustrating.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

ha! I've said that many times! I don't get it ... . if you are completely unaware... fine.

But in the case of my ex... he knows he is sick and refuses help... so basically you are ok

breaking people's hearts wherever you may go? Nice. Not cool.

All we can do is focus on us. I'm back in therapy again... and feeling proud about that.

[swimjim]

Sometimes I feel that if I would have given her the ring when she wanted it, I could have avoided all this pain. But then again, she proabably still would have discarded me eventually after we were married. I have to feel that I am better off for not marrying her.

[bpdspell]

SwimJim,

You dodged two bullets.

Your borderline ex and continuing to believe that your best friend was really your friend. Friends don't screw the ex's of their besties. Especially when that friend knows how much you're in love with that person.

So in reality they both suck and now your in a position to build your self-worth back and establish new criteria for friendship and love.

Not getting her the ring saved your life. I can't imagine marrying someone who's so self-centered and absorbed that if she doesn't get her way she screws your best friend. You should be on your hands and knees thanking Jesus that you never made it to the altar.

All jokes aside. I know you love this woman and she broke your heart but she's a sick person who lacked boundaries and now your ex friend has suffered the same fate of being with a borderline. He's now tossed in the bin with the others and he betrayed a friend. Sucks to be him.

I'd like to reverse your perspective: your ex LOST you and your ex friend LOST a friend. They both lost. You are the true winner here because their true colors are exposed.

It will take time before you can truly accept that the W is yours but it really is.

Spell

[swimjim]

Thanks spell for the encouraging words of wisdom. Sometimes we just need to hear it again from an objective viewpoint. I have been in the fog long enough. At one time, the ring was the most important thing in the world to her. Had she gotten it, then it would always be something else to fill a bottomless pit such as new car, new house, new jewelry etc. The pain will lesson in time. Thanks again.

[Changingman]

Sometimes I feel that if I would have given her the ring when she wanted it, I could have avoided all this pain. But then again, she proabably still would have discarded me eventually after we were married. I have to feel that I am better off for not marrying her.

Hi Swimjim,

I'm really sorry to read this whole thread, I guess for me this is the extent of the disorder. No moral compass, no boundaries, phony self, illusion.

Nothing you could have done would have made a difference. This disorder is a ticking time bomb, a matter of time, poison. Destroying interpersonal relationships, never again. Your best friend another victim to be honest, can you forgive him, does he deserve forgiveness?

You do realise it is all her, others are just more manipulation.

There is a simple truth here, thank The Lord you found out now.

Goodbye to all that, it is and will be, everyone gets burnt by this illness. Remember you can walk away from it, I think it's part of the hate.

[swimjim]

Thanks changingman for your reply. It helps to get the moral support from people on this board. Outside people who don't know anything about BPD say "just move on" like it was any ordinary relationship that went south. It is just not that easy after being idealized. I will get past this. Thanks again.

[crazied_on]

SwimJim -

I was there. A couple weeks before our wedding day she cursed me, split me, accused me, projected on me, etc. I thought in my head -  I can't do this. They I created every excuse and did. Now looking back, the guy she was with before me proposed to her and decided a week before wedding he couldn't do it. Then a week later she found out she was pregnant. He still didnt

Marry her. She openly admitted to cheating on her first husband, her sons dad and me. With them she claimed they did it first so she did it in revenge. She ALWAYS accused me of cheating (which I never even thought about)- that was her justification. These people are mentally screwed up. Be glad you never did. Now 3 years later she has really messed me up and I AM divorcing her. I've been recycled too many times and have heard all the crying sob stories. As my therapist told me this week. YOU BETTER RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

[crazied_on]

Swimjim -  you are so right. She still to this day tells be she was in love at first sight and how i taught her that she could love again. She says she though I saved her heart. Blah blah blah. Like  told her,  I am not a freaking iconic superhero. I am a human being. Not God. It was a little creepy at times when she would take about it. Like she was in delusional fog. Run my friend. And no its not easy it's hard as hell! Which only us here get. 

[swimjim]

Thank you guys for the reply. I did buy her the ring finally because My mind was messed up when I found out she was sleeping with My friend. I was not thinking straight obviuosly. This has been a real nightmare. At the time I bought her the ring, she no longer cared.

[blur]

Sorry to hear that man. But yeah, mine did it too. For me, looking back it should have been bright lights and sirens blaring that she did/does these crappy things. I just couldn't see it until I was away from her and had time to reflect.

[starshine]

Hi SwimJim.

I think I understand your anguish.  My uexBPDbf of 5 years started up with a woman who had been my friend for 14 years, 4 days after he dumped me.  She worked in a little store 2 doors down from the little store I worked in, and I would often (over a period of 14 years)go spend my break shooting the ___ with her.  She and I had what I considered a very friendly relationship, having had so many conversations about so many things with each other.  I knew her longer than I knew him, and never in a million years saw it coming.  In retrospect I can see that they were having an emotional affair for quite a while, and probably a physical one too.  There was no closure, no acknowledgement of any wrong doing from either of them.  They were In Love.  Incredible- the amount of narcissism and sociopathic behavior was stunning.

That level of betrayal cuts so deep.  It's not just that you're losing the relationship with your intimate partner, you've also lost one of your closest friends.  I hear you.  It was hard for me to know who to trust in my world when that happened.  I am in a much better place, although it took me quite a while to get here.  I cut a lot of people out of my life, and stopped the parasites from sucking me of my chi.  For a while, when I was in the deepest part of my grief I was stuck in thinking of all that I lost.  Now I look at it from a similiar perspective that BPDspell posted earlier in this thread.  There is a whole part of my town's community that I don't interact with.  I don't even spend my money in businesses that I associate with either of them, or their friends.  I didn't lose them- they lost me! (I wonder if that's what Ironman's tag line refers to?) I mean, really, who wants to hang out with a group of people that tolerate and endorse bull___ and bad behaviors?  Certainly not me, man. 

I am glad that you found this board- someone here will be able to relate with what is happening to you.  Or you will be able to relate with someone else's story.  I find it eery how alike many of our experiences are.   This site is filled with so many resources, I hope you find what you need to help you with your healing.

[mywifecrazy]

Swimjim Oooh can I relate with what you're going through!

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs. I was in the FOG for all 18 of those years until FATHERS DAY 2013 when I caught her in bed across the street with a family best friend and HER best friends husband. This man that I was really good friends with. I had him over my house all the time. I had his kids sleep over all the time. She was best friends with his wife. She actually helped her best friend cheat on this dude by covering it up and making alibis for her. This SO CALLED friend of mine would come over and cry on my shoulders about his wife leaving him.

After catching her in this affair and her lying in marriage counseling when I tried to forgive her my FOG was lifted. I found out that she was living a secret life the whole time we we married. Lies, manipulation, other affairs, sick sick behavior. Accusing me of beating and raping her to my neighbor friend so he could RESCUE HER. She even accused me of beating my two sons that I adore. She is so screwed up that she is actually shacking up with him right across the street from where me and my 2 sons (14&9) live. She is f***ed up! This is very hard on my sons to know their Mom abandoned them for this scumbag family friend.

Be glad you found out know and not 18 years later. Turn around and walk... . no RUN away from her as fast as you can. Or you will end up like me 18yrs later. Now I CAN'T get rid of her. She'll always be a part of my life as she is Mother (unfortunately) to my sons. Not to mention that she may be moving in across the street. You are lucky. You found out early in the game that she is BPD and is TOXIC.As for your friend, F*ck Him he was NEVER your friend. Hold your head up high as you walk away. You did NOTHING wrong. THE SHAME IS THEIRS TO LIVE WITH! Good luck to you my friend.  

[Clearmind]

To rationalize it. She is following a pattern of relating. Your ex friend was seduced just like you were - the draw to a Borderline is massive when we lack self worth. Drunks and alcoholics are selfish by nature and are perfect fodder for a Borderline. They also lack worth and will always satisfy their own addiction and themselves before considering anyone else. Was he honestly a true friend Swim even before all this?

It helps to remind ourselves that it's all very predictable.

Maybe Swim examine a few things. Why you were attracted and drawn in by a Borderline and why you want a drunk as a friend.

[TwoCents]

Been there.  Nothing worse than this kind of betrayal.  It goes way beyond the loss of two of most important relationships in my life at the time.  Worse was knowing that the person in whom I had confided my fears/hopes/dreams regarding a difficult situation in my life decided to just throw me under the bus and take advantage.  Obviously for that to happen there had to also have at least a heaping helping of deception.  It made me question my own judgement and wonder how I had been so blind.  The ex partner made sure to let me know that the two of them completely validated each others' feelings in resenting and criticizing me.  Picture it.  What had recently been the two most important people in my life (aside from my children) emphatically agreeing what a loser I was.  Just lovely.  In such a situation, there wasn't really anything left to do but seek out higher caliber companionship in the best friend and partner departments, and journey onward.

[swimjim]

This has been a nightmare. This forum is so helpful. I was ready to cash it in. All I did was want to take our time. When I finally tried to give her the ring that she always wanted, she called the police . I went no contact but she went further and filed a false restraining order. I maintained no concact all the way to the hearing which was 2.5 months later. 2,000 attorney fees later, it was thrown out in court. I got My good name back but I felt no victory. She cried in court like I should have been placed behind bars. Even thou the restraining order was thrown out and I was vindicated, I felt devastated to see that she was crying and wanted to ruin me. My ex friend was in the courtroom with sweat clothes on. Go figure. I will never be the same again.

[love2give]

I feel terrible for all of you.  These stories are so tragic.

I wish you all the strength to heal and move forward to a greater and better life.

[winston72]

"Maybe he feels guilty. I don't know."

Ya think?  Man, SlimJim, your title to this thread sums up one of the most horrific events that could happen to any of us.  My ex cheated, but thankfully not with anyone I knew.  Just awful.  Terrible.

The pain clouds our judgment and our perspectives.  BPDSpell said it... . you didn't lose a friend and a lover... . they lost you.  Period, full stop... . their huge loss, your huge escape.

It does not feel this way... . did not to me... . takes a long time coming, but looking at it from this third party perspective, it is just a fact.  :)ude, they both acted awfully!  And you wish you would have given here the ring and all this would have been avoided?  I think the same thing about my ex!  She wanted to get engaged and I said we weren't ready.  Man... . we humans are strange creatures!  All your engagement would have done is lock you into more complex pain and hardship... . as MyWifeCrazy posted.

A big injury man... . and Starshine, likewise.  It is incredibly awful.  When I learned of my ex's betrayal I felt like I was hit on the head by a hammer.  Unreal.  Acute pain... . turned to chronic pain... . but the healing started when I realized I had been injured just as much as if I had been in a car accident and been concussed, or any major injury.  I was hurt, it needed diagnosis, professional care, monitoring, medicine, therapy, a plan, time to heal... . and it is working and I feel better.

[Waifed]

Swimjim

Any woman that would stoop to this level is a woman you need to avoid like the plague. She lacks boundaries and respect for others, especially for someone she is supposed to care about. Same goes for your former friend. You dodged a bullet by this happening. Concentrate on yourself and leave all this toxic trash in your rear view mirror. With work on yourself and time you will be in a much better place in life. Hang in there and good luck in the short term. It gets better. I promise!