Feeling low...

[janey62]

I woke up feeling low this morning, not exactly sure why?

Part of me is afraid of this pain and part of me thinks it's what I need to feel. 

Every time I look closely at myself and try to figure out why I end up in bad relationships I have this overwhelming pain and sadness.

I'm a grown woman but I feel like a very lost little girl with no one to take care of me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi janey62,

I can really relate to your feelings.  It can feel overwhelming to confront the pain and sadness inside.  You don't have to do it alone. Do you have a T?

If you were the wise, loving parent, what would you say to that scared little girl, who is longing for someone to take care of her? 

We're here for you. 

[janey62]

Thanks heart,

I haven't got a T at the moment, but I'm working on getting referred by my doctor.  I can't afford to go private at the moment.

If you were the wise, loving parent, what would you say to that scared little girl, who is longing for someone to take care of her?  

I will think about that one today.  Right now when I try to think about it I'm just blank and raw feelings.  I'm trying to remember how I did this for my own son but can't, though I know I did.

Janey

[Perfidy]

Thinking of you Janey. 

[janey62]

Now I'm in deep trouble... .

He messaged me this morning, it's almost as if I woke up and knew it would be today.

He saw his psychiatrist on Friday and wrote to tell me that he is being given Lithium and is having various medical checks and is researching therapies that he can get.  Says he's had enough CBT.

He told me he knows how badly he treated me and that I bore the brunt of his illness.  He said he's never been so ill as he was when we moved here together and that he can never tell me how sorry he is that I was so hurt by him.  I said thank you for saying that, it means a lot.

:'(  My heart is breaking all over again, though I know I can't be near him because it really did hurt and I've a feeling that the combination of us is particularly toxic and intense... .

No going back, only forward into what feels at the moment like emptiness.

[Popcorn71]

Be kind to yourself today.   

[Allmessedup]

Wow janey... .

I would be in a rough place as well if I received that kind of message.  So much of my heart wants to hang onto hope even though my brain knows its futile.

Be gentle with yourself today.  Focus on you!  We are here for you

[janey62]

Thanks,  I've almost got through the day.  I've been downloading album art for iTunes, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and bathing my very dirty dogs.  Also posted on the Taking Personal Inventory board. 

Have had a couple more messages from him which I've replied to.  It's so sad.  He is really scared about taking Lithium, and I'm scared for him.  I've cried a lot today. 

We have been able to communicate though without the need to even consider recycling the relationship; I think we both know the probable pitfalls of that route!

Thanks for all your kind words of support. 

Janey x

[designgrl]

I would just like to say that I think it's a amazing that you can feel love for him in his current situation and love yourself enough to not cross your boundaries of recycling with him again. 

Grieving the loss of a relationship is so hard. I'm in the process myself.  Some days the sadness can feel overwhelming but I just let myself feel it and cry.  I love this person even though he is sick and toxic to me.  I accept the fact that we will never be together again and that our marriage is over. 

I think when you allow yourself to really feel your feelings, you begin to heal and self growth begins.  Stay strong, mourn your loss and take good care of yourself.

[janey62]

Hi designgrl,

It is pretty hard, I wish I didn't feel love for him sometimes, but also its still early days so my resolve is quite strong.  I hope I can keep those boundaries up when a few months have passed and the memory of how awful it was begins to fade... .   We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

How long have you been separated?  I cry a lot too, have no choice really. 

Thanks for your support   and empathy, it so helps... .

Janey xx

[designgrl]

Janey,

I have been separated for three weeks.  I discovered his affair in Dec. and it was the last straw for me.  I was finally able to move out Feb. 1st.  We've only had one communication since... . he sent me flowers for my birthday and I sent him a text saying I got them and thanks for thinking of me... . he replied with, I think of you everyday and I'm glad you got them.  That was it.  I felt great sadness but it's ok I should feel sad going through this... . I will be sad for awhile.  I also feel a sense of peace that I am finally free of his dramas. 

I'm back in my little house 2 hours away, looking for a job, seeing my family, art journaling, going to al-anon, seeing a T, rebuilding my life and living in peace and quiet.  No more being afraid, no one telling me I have problems, no more not knowing what will set him off, no more care taking, no more feeling lonely because he was out living his own secret life.  I'm free! It's a good place to be finally. 

[janey62]

That's good designgrl,  good that you are having peace and quiet.  I moved on 5th Feb! 

It must feel terrible that he had an affair.  Such a sense of betrayal.  Mine doesn't do that stuff, he just goes up and down, one day love the next day pain... . with the constant abandoning and avoiding and drinking.

It's ok for us to feel sad I think.  Today I've had him in my ear, telling me he loves me and needs me and then getting angry when I don't respond in the way he wants me to, so I switched off my phone.  I shouldn't have responded at all, but stupidly thought he might be capable of being reasonable.  I'm working up to the point where I cut him off completely, but it's hard, though today was helpful in the process of detaching. 

We should not have to be afraid of the person who is supposed to love us!  Or walk around on eggshells wondering what the next thing will be to set them off.

Good for us!

Janey 

[designgrl]

It must feel terrible that he had an affair.  Such a sense of betrayal.  Mine doesn't do that stuff, he just goes up and down, one day love the next day pain... . with the constant abandoning and avoiding and drinking.

Mine went back to drinking after being sober for 18 years.  I have been getting much support from going to Al-Anon.  The program has been a life saver for me.  It works for his alcoholism and for what I think is his UBPD!  As for his betrayal, as painful as it was to learn of, he did me a favor because it was just the final nail in the coffin for me.  The trust is gone forever, I have no choice but to mourn and move on from here.  When I finally left my h, I told him the truth, This is not a healthy relationship for me to be in and I need to take care of myself right now.  No blame just the truth.

It will take time but we are doing the right thing by dealing with the pain of loss and allowing ourselves to heal and grow.  Tomorrow is a new day and you can start again with NC and each day will make you stronger.  I repeat the serenity prayer numerous times in my day to remind me to stay focused on me and when I fail I don't beat myself up because that's part of the learning

Here's to a better day tomorrow!

[Perfidy]

Janey , hope you're feeling better now, just wanted to say hi.

In response to your stating that he is becoming unwilling to continue CBT, I think that unwillingness to improve or at least work towards improvement is an indication of a future that lies ahead for him, and lithium is no joke. Heartbreaking and understandably so.

Keep focusing as much as you can on you and your gratitude. I believe that is the most graceful path to acceptance, healing, and detachment. You have my support Janey.

[janey62]

Thank you Perfidy... .

[janey62]

It will take time but we are doing the right thing by dealing with the pain of loss and allowing ourselves to heal and grow.

I know you're right about this, but I'm so tired of it now.  I seem to have been struggling with the pain and loss all my life!

But of course there is no choice but to keep on going.   

Today was a better day for me; being at work is a great distraction, especially as it's a new environment and there's lots to learn.  My dogs are at home waiting for me and give me loads of love when I come in.  They make me get out and walk too, which is good for me.

I hope you've had a good day too?

Your support means a lot.

Janey xx

[Popcorn71]

I had a tough time last week, but I feel alot better today.  More positive and happier.

Take it one day at a time - you will have better days 

Everyone here understands you and is here to support you.  Take care of yourself.  Hopefully you will feel better tomorrow.

[arn131arn]

Hey Janey, been reading your posts recently and really feel for you. I would suggest that if you truly know you can never enter into a RS with him again, then go strict NC. It is very hard but after the 2nd or 3rd week you DO begin to feel better. After 10 weeks, I heard a song on the radio today and it made me cry. I felt it coming on and told myself I was a b***h for it, but realized there is nothing I can do, and I just sat with it, cried in traffic, and felt it. My ex is playing twisted little games with my replacement. They are doing things on purpose to hurt me, make me jealous, and bait me. I see it as a really childish and hurtful game. I see it as terrible qualities I am no longer attracted to, qualities I don't want in the future. They truly are perfect for each other... . I am blessed that I can feel, have empathy for others, and can love without fear. It's a good life when you can say that about yourself. I forgot that about myself while with her!

[janey62]

Thanks Popcorn, it always is helpful to hear supportive words from others who know what this is like. xx

And Arn, I hear what you're saying and wish I could go NC but I know it will hurt me more.  My ex isn't seeing anyone else and has never played those games with me, the games I hear so many of you have been cruelly subjected to. 

There is no malice in him and he would never get together with anyone else, not until we had been apart for ages, if ever.  He is alone and ill and scared.  The prospect of lithium is terrifying for him, and leaves me cold... .   He knows what he's done in pushing me away and hates himself for it.  When he was well and had longer periods of being stable, months sometimes, he was kind and gentle and loving and thoughtful.  Even at his worst he would show genuine remorse and try to make up for his behaviour.

I am not 100% sure that it is over, though 99% perhaps.  If he gets the lithium treatment and some therapy, stops drinking and gets better, even a bit better, it could be worth trying, at a distance.  I would never move in with him - it was that which pushed him over the edge I think, but there is a slim chance that it might work. 

In the meantime I will get some therapy too... . it might help me decide, but I don't want to make a decision about it now.  I'm at a safe distance, getting on with my life and haven't seen him or spoken to him for 3 weeks, save a few texts. 

If he had been unfaithful of physically abusive it would be easier in a way, because there would be no decision to be made, I would cut him off in an instant, but it's so hard like this.  If he told me it was over, and meant it, then that would help, but he won't... .

You see, it's not so simple?

I'm so aware too that I have to put myself first, and that's hard to do because I am whole and sane and have the prospect at least of a good life ahead of me.  This person isn't a bad person, yes he's been emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and I'm not excusing that, just saying that beyond his illness he is a good person. 

At the moment I'm between a rock and a hard place because I'm too wary and scared to see him or consider a reconciliation, but also too scared of the pain and fear of losing him completely. 

Why is life so hard?

Please tell me I'm in denial, that I'm kidding myself, that I need to make a decision... . that this will only end in tears, but detaching is soo hard.  I feel I will break.

[myself]

Janey, it's hard when there is still some hope left. It's what kept me going back many times. Why I left the door open. I believed she could change if she chose to. I found, as it's been said a billion times, that I can only change myself. Detaching is not where I thought this would end up. I liked being attached. Being in love. We lived together as if married. I kept trying to hold it together while she would tear it apart. Some of my efforts triggered her and made it worse. My heart was in it and I didn't feel to give up. But it wasn't "giving up", it was it can't be done. It takes two, and I'd become the scapegoat. Can't get much done in that role. So I left the stage. You should do what you feel to do when going where you need to go. Stopping what you need to stop. Waiting for someone or not. You already know how it was. What are the positives of what can be? Being broken is only temporary when we put the pieces back together. 

[janey62]

I know... . your words mean so much myself, and it's just how I'm feeling today and writing it down took the feelings from me and put them on this screen, I feel calmer and clearer in my mind.

It seems all this is unbearably cruel, and yet somehow we bear it... .

xx

[Dolly rocker]

Stay strong Janey!

You're doing great by keeping ur distance!

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear Janey, 

I think you are an amazing person for wanting to be support for your H , I hope that you can be as loving and compassionate to yourself,you deserve happiness and care too Janey