So many losses

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm doing my best, and mostly succeeding, at keeping positive. I've been seeing a good T who has helped me keep things in perspective.

It is hard to stop the "why did I put up with it for so long" thoughts.

I was in a relationship for over 30 years. My main focus for most of that time was on my x. With all the ups and downs and working, I didn't have many real friends.

The truth was that my x felt threatened if I had friends. Life was hard enough and I let that battle go.

My x has been building a new life for the last few years. I am starting from scratch.

I am lucky to have made a few friends. I don't burden them with my thoughts. They know a little but wouldn't believe the awfulness of the moods and rages.

At work I'm a confident person who doesn't put up with being messed about.

So I'm mourning the loss of a very long relationship , the loss of my youth, the loss of hope that things would eventually improve.

On top of that, I'm finding it hard to deal with people I've helped over the years not being there for me. Some dropped me as soon as they heard my relationship was over.

Others have said things like - "you are strong, you'll manage". That's it. No " I'm here for you" nothing.

One person I thought was a friend told someone I work with about my relationship ending. When I challenged her, she said " that's old news now. Aren't you over it yet?"

Intellectually i think that it's good to know who they really are so I won't waste my precious time on them.

Emotionally, it's so hurtful.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it affect us harder because of the particular trauma we've been through? Because our self esteem is so damaged by the BPD relationship?

I really am focusing on moving on and making the best of my life. The peace of living alone is amazing. No fighting. No moods. No raging. No moonlighting.

I am still incredibly sad and hurt by what has happened. understanding a bit more about BPD has helped but the scars are deep and will take time to begin to heal.

I'm grateful to everyone who posts. It helps not to feel alone.

RH

[Rosehip]

I'm doing my best, and mostly succeeding, at keeping positive. I've been seeing a good T who has helped me keep things in perspective.

It is hard to stop the "why did I put up with it for so long" thoughts.

I was in a relationship for over 30 years. My main focus for most of that time was on my x. With all the ups and downs and working, I didn't have many real friends.

The truth was that my x felt threatened if I had friends. Life was hard enough and I let that battle go.

My x has been building a new life for the last few years. I am starting from scratch.

I am lucky to have made a few friends. I don't burden them with my thoughts. They know a little but wouldn't believe the awfulness of the moods and rages.

At work I'm a confident person who doesn't put up with being messed about.

So I'm mourning the loss of a very long relationship , the loss of my youth, the loss of hope that things would eventually improve.

On top of that, I'm finding it hard to deal with people I've helped over the years not being there for me. Some dropped me as soon as they heard my relationship was over.

Others have said things like - "you are strong, you'll manage". That's it. No " I'm here for you" nothing.

One person I thought was a friend told someone I work with about my relationship ending. When I challenged her, she said " that's old news now. Aren't you over it yet?"

Intellectually i think that it's good to know who they really are so I won't waste my precious time on them.

Emotionally, it's so hurtful.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it affect us harder because of the particular trauma we've been through? Because our self esteem is so damaged by the BPD relationship?

I really am focusing on moving on and making the best of my life. The peace of living alone is amazing. No fighting. No moods. No raging. No moonlighting.

I am still incredibly sad and hurt by what has happened. understanding a bit more about BPD has helped but the scars are deep and will take time to begin to heal.

I'm grateful to everyone who posts. It helps not to feel alone.

RH

[cosmonaut]

Other people definitely don't understand how traumatic a relationship with a pwBPD can be, particularly the ending of one.  It's something I am struggling with as well, since there just aren't many people I can talk with about things.  I have a few friends with whom I can talk, and they try to be understanding, but they can't really understand what's going on inside my heart.  They mean well, but they just can't.   I can honestly say that I wouldn't understand if I hadn't gone through it myself.  Mostly, I read this board and think and read and talk to my T.   It's been hard, and I often feel very lonely too.  This forum has been a very needed place for some emotional support through all this.

Yes, I think our self-esteem has been brutally damaged by our relationships with our respective BPDx's.  I don't think it's an exaggeration to even say traumatized.  One of the things that I am coming to grips with, however, is how deeply damaged my self-esteem was before I ever even met my ex.  I think that's a problem for all of us here.

I'm sorry you're going through such a trying time, Rosehip.  Take heart in knowing that a brighter future lays ahead.  I am trying to believe that this failed relationship is serving the purpose of making me into a better man.   As much as it hurts right now, I feel that I am being forged in the fire.   In some ways, this has been a necessary journey - one I have put off making for far too long.  Keep working on yourself.  Keep moving forward.  There is a new dawn breaking.

[GreenMango]

Rosehip

30 years is a long time.  Try to go easy on yourself with expectations of bouncing back immediately.  It's will take some time grieving the relationship and rebuilding.

Welcome to bpdfamily.com and hopefully the site brings some comfort.

You mentioned some friendships falling away... . Do you have family and a therapist?

[Rosehip]

Thank you for your support.

[DiamondSW]

Be kind to yourself.

When I split from my BPDexgf and ended up in hospital, you could count the number of 'true' and supportive friends on one hand.  But they couldn't have been kinder. 

It made me realise that when people claim to be really happy and popular and to have hundreds of friends on facebook, 9.99999 times out of ten, they are probably really lonely and are searching for something. 

My ex has a zillion friends now at her church -but she's lost me, and I was the person who knows her better than anyone and cared for her more than anyone. 

It's a horrible illness and one which punishes those they love.  Please take care and dont worry... . x

[Stjarna]

Rosehip, I can so relate to what you say.  I was in a 40-year marriage and have been apart for just short of a year now.  I agree with cosmonaut that most of us in long-term relationships with a pwBPD end up with serious work to do, and yes, are even traumatized. 

I'm hoping for a better "me" out of this whole situation too.  I can relate to the "why did I put up with it for so long?" thoughts.  It's so hard to explain to people who knew us from a distance, because our "cover" was very, very good and not too many people suspected that we had any problems at all.  Some old friends who had known us back in the early years of our marriage have come to me and given me support, saying that they always wished I would stand up for myself.  I guess it just cannot be done until one is ready, though, and I wasn't ready... . especially with threats like, "You'll never see the kids again, I guarantee it... . "  So, I am not going to waste any more energy beating myself up.  I've taken enough, and the rest of my time here on this planet (I'm 58) will hopefully be one of clear boundaries and trust in myself and the strength that I've gained thus far (though I know I have a lonnngggg way to go in that regard). 

I am also an introvert and do not have a natural circle of close friends.  I have taken strength where I can find it, though, and I have a wonderful mom and sisters and brother and five great kids.  If you have a passion for anything in life, you will build friendships around that, I'm sure.  My social life revolves around my horse - over the years I have found wonderful people involved in the horse world ranging from riding buddies, to my farrier, trainers I have worked with, all very wonderful people.

I have come to believe that a lot of the wounds we are nursing now will be healed with time and moving forward, even if an inch at a time.  Take care, and know that we are not alone.   

[Rosehip]

You all make such good points thank you so much.  It is hard and I know it will take time to recover.

I am taking steps to move forward.

I am going out to concerts - with friends and on my own too. Being able to go out alone and do what I want is a huge leap for me.

I have a dog which makes me go out. I have joined a gym and actually go occasionally!

I absolutely agree about having done such a good job putting on a public face. No-one realised there had been anything wrong.

My ex also has many "friends" on Facebook. People who lead such interesting lives apparently... .

I have been hurt that some people who were initially supportive have backed away. I won't waste my energy on them. I know some people just find it too hard socialising with a single person.

I am lucky to have a few friends who do care. My ex threatened that no-one would like me and I'd end up sad and lonely. After years of being out down, it's hard to get comments like that out of my head. I know that's what really  troubles me about feeling let down by people.

I know I have a sensible strong side because I am no longer in the relationship and I am getting on with life. I have resisted being hooked back in. I have resisted meeting up.

One of my good friends has said I have inner strength. I think we must all have that to have taken the huge decision to free ourselves from this sort of unhealthy relationship.

Thank you again and I hope to be able to encourage you when you are having a wobble.

X

[nevaeh]

Rosehip... . bless you.  I can imagine what you are going through.  I have been married to uBPDh for 18 years, together 24.  We started dating when I was 19 and he was 18 - so young and just starting to explore the world away from my parents and my "high school self".  I have done a lot of reflecting myself and have realized that before I met H, I had a lot of friends and was always out and about having a good time.  After we started dating, I guess I just kind of molded into him and let him define me.  At some point I became so emotionally reliant on him that even when I saw the red flags I was too scared and attached to even think about letting him go.

I was in a relationship for over 30 years. My main focus for most of that time was on my x. With all the ups and downs and working, I didn't have many real friends.

The truth was that my x felt threatened if I had friends. Life was hard enough and I let that battle go.

I can relate to this so much!  As a couple we have had some friendships here and there and I have a lot of friends outside of our relationship (co-workers, college friends, etc) but for some reason many of those friends I never allowed to "cross-over" into my marital life.  H doesn't have any friends and has never had anyone to confide in, not that he would have anyway.  I, on the other hand, have a lot of friends who I have confided in over the years.  But, I have always missed having friends to hang out with, go on vacations with, etc.  It seems as though that has never really been "possible"... . H is fine with people for a little while but then starts to get irritated with their quirks and opinions. 

I never really thought about it in the way you described but I guess it really applies to me as well.  It has always been easier to just not have friends.  Less controversy.  Less irritation.  Less worries about things going wrong.  Now, here I am, a 43 year old woman who is feeling like I might finally be free to have friends over for a glass of wine or to watch a chick flick.  Heck, I don't even go out to dinner with friends because I don't want to upset my H (who would cook for him and the kids - he certainly wouldn't!).  I have gotten the guilt trip about the fact that I have friends and he doesn't... . not really my fault but I guess I just thought it was easier to not overlap my friendships with my marriage.  I am definitely an introverted person, but social nonetheless.  I enjoy hanging out with a small number of people at a time, I just don't enjoy big, extravagant gatherings.

I hope that you are able to slowly get yourself back out there.

I think the best you can do is to focus on the friends you do have, who have stuck by you through it all, and let the rest go.  You have taken the HUGE step of removing your toxic husband from your life... . can't be half as hard to let those supposed friends go as well.  When they come to you later looking for help in their own lives when things get tough, you can feel OK in saying no thanks, not going to help you. 

If you are anything like me, it is really hard when ANYONE disappoints you, regardless of the reason.  I am an extremely loyal friend and companion.  When others who you thought were close to you betray that friendship in whatever way, it is extremely hurtful and hard to move past.

Hugs to you... . hoping that things continue to improve for you!

[Rosehip]

I read this in madison66's post and I really like the image it brings up.

It's so positive and rings true.

It feels good to be out of the back seat and to take control. It doesn't matter how long it took. The main thing is that we took action.

I am so grateful to know that there are lovely people like you to support me. You understand and don't judge. That is very moving.

Thank you.

❤️

I posted a couple days ago about a breakthrough T session I had this week that helped me immensely with my recovery of the effects of the 3+ year r/s I had with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was holding onto the memory of the last big confrontation we had and thinking to myself "why did I finally make such a big deal over an issue that I'd dealt with for much of the r/s?".   The details of the situation aren't important, but what my T said to me was so simple and profound.  She asked me to visualize myself that day sitting in the backseat of my car, for the hundredth or more times, feeling like my needs and feelings didn't matter.  Basically, it was about how I took a "backseat" to the needs and issues of my ex for so long.  My T said "you simply couldn't remain in the backseat taking all of the abuse, and be your true self".  "Your true self got out of the backseat, jumped in the front seat of your car (life) and drove away."  I was actually not in a r/s, but rather a need fulfillment trap.  All I can tell you is that for so long I lived my life in the "backseat" and I'm now understanding just how destructive that was to my spirit and well being.  My recovery has included also understanding why I allowed myself to remain in the backseat.  Many struggles that are now turning into the "gifts" that I will take with me for a lifetime... .

[starshine]

Hi Rosehip.  I understand exactly what you are saying about people who you thought were your friends, and having them not support you.  I went through something very similiar, after the breakup of a 5 year relationship with a uBPDbf.  Not one girlfriend called me, no one reached out.  No one asked if I needed anything, and when I reached out to specific people expressing that I needed support, I still didn't get it.  I got a whole lotta silence.  And this is from people that I had been there for when their own ___ had hit the fan.  I found out a lot of the relationships that I perceived as being friendships were really just me putting out and giving, giving, giving.  I really had spent the last 15 years volunteering, building community, serving through my work (I'm a massage therapist).  It was quite a stunning blow to have no support from my immediate community.  I hear "You're so strong to have come through all that", but there was never an "I'm here for you".  I'm so over all of the people who I thought were my "friends" but who weren't there for me.  The betrayal that I felt from them was just as hurtful as what the ex and the other woman did.

I am lucky to have a core group of women who are there for me, one best girlfriend in particular- but none of them live near me.  It is all over the phone.  And I found this board.  So, I pulled back from much of the volunteering that I do in this community.  I unfriended anyone who is connected with my ex and the woman he replaced me with (4 days after he dumped me).  I don't have anything to do with any of them and don't spend my money in their establishments nor will I see them as clients.  I will be moving out of this community within the next 6-9 months, and I can't wait.  I never want to see any of these people again.

[Rosehip]

it does hurt doesn't it. I also have done a lot of giving. I never expected to need anything in return but I hoped they would be there for me.

I do believe it is their loss. We see them for the shallow people they are. They will never have our support and love again.

I'm sorry you've been let down starshine but at least you have taken a firm stand and not let them carry on using you. You have to take credit for that.

I try to focus on the positives because I won't / can't allow myself to be dragged down by all this. I have my low times. Sudden realisations that I am alone. But I balance that against the years of being in a high conflict relationship and the damage that has done to my soul.

I'll take the peace and quiet and moments of aloneness anytime over ever having to put up with rages and put downs.

I treasure the few good friends I have. I try not to expect too much of anyone. I try to be good to myself.

I just wish there was a shortcut to getting over this and healing .

I think nevaeh is very wise to say we do give a lot - probably too much and so feel the pain more intensely when we are let down.

We do need to take time to be good to ourselves.

I'm having  that saying " living well is the best revenge " as my motto.

What I love about this site is that there are so many caring wishes flowing when we are all so hurt.

❤️ to you all