A day after she broke n/c

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted yesterday about how my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years broke n/c (60 glorious days!) and confronted me on my street while I was walk with my dog.  She wanted a painting back that she did of my house titled "Our Home", to include in a cafe showing with her art class.  It was a gift to me and I had taken it down from my foyer at the time of the final b/u.  The "Our House" title was included because we intended to all move in when renovations were done.  I came to my senses before that could ever happen.  I agreed to give it back to her, but said I would drop it off at her house sometime.  I was really bothered by her breaking n/c and wanting the painting back as if there was kind of personal.  So, as the story goes I pretty much took some of my anger out of the painting pretty much f'ing up the frame and glass.  The painting is fine.  I left it on her front porch with a note saying "sorry about the scratches".

Anyway, here is what I learned yesterday:

1. I am still triggered by her - I will explore this more in T

2. She doesn't respect the n/c boundary I have requested

3. The lack of "normal" closure and the amount of pain I felt at the end of the r/s makes it all so clear that n/c is the only healthy thing for me

4. I shouldn't be surprised by the lack of her emotional depth and empathy she demonstrated by asking for the painting back

5. She puts on a show that she is completely detached from the 3.5 year r/s after just 60 days - that is just not normal

6. She is on to her second r/s since ours b/u 60 days ago = really unhealthy attachments

7. Back to point 3 - n/c is the only way to go

8. I'm going to give myself a pass on the damage I did to the painting - it is what it is!

9. At the same time, my response in the future needs to be "no response".  If confronted with that kind of request, I will simply decline and walk away. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

10. I am going to work with my T to restructure my emotional and physical boundaries in regards to my ex.  My T has cautioned that these actions may ramp up as a way for my ex to keep me in the picture for her own security or narc supply.  Just as last night had an effect on me, I will not allow this to happen in the future.

11. Most importantly, this all reminds me why I left the insanity and chose to take care of myself. 

Maybe this needed to happen to help me in my recovery?  I think so.

[Madison66]

I posted yesterday about how my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years broke n/c (60 glorious days!) and confronted me on my street while I was walk with my dog.  She wanted a painting back that she did of my house titled "Our Home", to include in a cafe showing with her art class.  It was a gift to me and I had taken it down from my foyer at the time of the final b/u.  The "Our House" title was included because we intended to all move in when renovations were done.  I came to my senses before that could ever happen.  I agreed to give it back to her, but said I would drop it off at her house sometime.  I was really bothered by her breaking n/c and wanting the painting back as if there was kind of personal.  So, as the story goes I pretty much took some of my anger out of the painting pretty much f'ing up the frame and glass.  The painting is fine.  I left it on her front porch with a note saying "sorry about the scratches".

Anyway, here is what I learned yesterday:

1. I am still triggered by her - I will explore this more in T

2. She doesn't respect the n/c boundary I have requested

3. The lack of "normal" closure and the amount of pain I felt at the end of the r/s makes it all so clear that n/c is the only healthy thing for me

4. I shouldn't be surprised by the lack of her emotional depth and empathy she demonstrated by asking for the painting back

5. She puts on a show that she is completely detached from the 3.5 year r/s after just 60 days - that is just not normal

6. She is on to her second r/s since ours b/u 60 days ago = really unhealthy attachments

7. Back to point 3 - n/c is the only way to go

8. I'm going to give myself a pass on the damage I did to the painting - it is what it is!

9. At the same time, my response in the future needs to be "no response".  If confronted with that kind of request, I will simply decline and walk away. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

10. I am going to work with my T to restructure my emotional and physical boundaries in regards to my ex.  My T has cautioned that these actions may ramp up as a way for my ex to keep me in the picture for her own security or narc supply.  Just as last night had an effect on me, I will not allow this to happen in the future.

11. Most importantly, this all reminds me why I left the insanity and chose to take care of myself. 

Maybe this needed to happen to help me in my recovery?  I think so.

[dansure]

5. She puts on a show that she is completely detached from the 3.5 year r/s after just 60 days - that is just not normal

I totally agree that this is not normal. I have been talking to my friends about that and some of them told me that it is nothing unnormal to be in a new relationship after 2 month and that they think that this is enough time. I actually got a little pissed since I can't relate at all. I could never truly fall in love with someone else just 2 month after a long-term relationship has ended. Is it just us being to emotional/sensitive or them not really knowing what real love is?

[Turkish]

5. She puts on a show that she is completely detached from the 3.5 year r/s after just 60 days - that is just not normal

I totally agree that this is not normal. I have been talking to my friends about that and some of them told me that it is nothing unnormal to be in a new relationship after 2 month and that they think that this is enough time. I actually got a little pissed since I can't relate at all. I could never truly fall in love with someone else just 2 month after a long-term relationship has ended. Is it just us being to emotional/sensitive or them not really knowing what real love is?

Hi dansure, I'll share something my T said to me (mine fell in "love" with someone during our r/s, while she was still living in my home and I was taking care of almost everything, including her): "Your anger mostly likely stems from you expecting her to be something she is not capable of being."

I aruged with him a bit. Exasperated, he said: "Ok, Turkish, I'll make it short: lower your expectations."

That helped. A bit... . my anger still cycles though, 2.5 weeks after she moved out of my home.

We are not them. They are not us. Maybe some of our frustration comes from we expecting them to keep mirroring us, even after the r/s is over. Is that realistic, though?

[Madison66]

"We are not them. They are not us. Maybe some of our frustration comes from we expecting them to keep mirroring us, even after the r/s is over. Is that realistic, though?"

Right on!  It reminded me why I left the chaos and that she was never capable of giving me what I needed.  I say that feeling as healthy as ever, but still obviously have healing to do... .

[Turkish]

"We are not them. They are not us. Maybe some of our frustration comes from we expecting them to keep mirroring us, even after the r/s is over. Is that realistic, though?"

Right on!  It reminded me why I left the chaos and that she was never capable of giving me what I needed.  I say that feeling as healthy as ever, but still obviously have healing to do... .

in short,  she needed me to provide a  continuous teenage love affair romance.  in that, I  failed her.  the only two things I needed from her were to help run the household ( other than going on cleaning rampages),  and to treat me decently like a human being.  in the latter, magafail  on her side.

[Rosehip]

It is so hard. If we could shrug off all the pain and hurt and resentment after few days/ weeks/ months, we wouldn't be who we are. We might be a bit more like them and would we want that?

To be honest, I'd love for a short cut to all these feelings. I think maybe we need to go through this to learn to protect ourselves better in the future.

I agree with your T Turkish. I have been trying to lower my expectations. I'm not very good at it but new skills take practice.

Emails from my ex trigger me. I don't get many but they come in spates and range from " I love you / miss you" to " you are such a bad / unfeeling/ uncaring person "

People who don't understand say to block the emails or not read them. Maybe that's right but that too will take some time.

I'm so glad we have this place to find support.

[Madison66]

To be honest, I'd love for a short cut to all these feelings. I think maybe we need to go through this to learn to protect ourselves better in the future.

Rosehip - you are so right on with this.  I needed to go through this to develop and enforce healthy boundaries in future r/s and now as I encounter my ex gf.  I let me guard down yesterday and need to take measures to prevent this from happening in the future.  I also needed to go through it to help me dig in and find my true self and begin trusting my gut.  The "gifts" of leaving a r/s with a pwPD.   

[Madison66]

Ok, my brother just emailed me this funny clip from Ace Ventura saying he could see me delivering the painting in the same way as the UPS guy (Jim Carrey).  That made me laugh big time!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q6_9A90cUk

[myself]

The "gifts" of leaving a r/s with a pwPD.   

Also: A pwBPD leaves the r/s, wants her 'gifts' back. 

Good for you to face this and see you still have some detaching to do. Which you'll do.

What I got from you leaving the painting like that is, you were showing her that what had held it together (your r/s) has been damaged but your home/heart (the painting) is still intact. But no longer hers except in an image. It's also a way to say she needs to repair something now, by herself. Without you.

[Madison66]

The "gifts" of leaving a r/s with a pwPD.   

Also: A pwBPD leaves the r/s, wants her 'gifts' back. 

Good for you to face this and see you still have some detaching to do. Which you'll do.

What I got from you leaving the painting like that is, you were showing her that what had held it together (your r/s) has been damaged but your home/heart (the painting) is still intact. But no longer hers except in an image. It's also a way to say she needs to repair something now, by herself. Without you.

Thanks for your perspective, myself!  I really wondered why I didn't damage the painting.  What you are saying is so true and maybe explains why I did it and what I was trying to say.  It was more than a "phuck you" statement, but I believe that is what she'll take from it.  Then again, I stopped caring about what she thought a while ago.  Thanks again for your mindful post!

[node4]

Turkish, were we dating the same woman... . LOL... . how dare us have basic needs, and want the universe to spin around us every once and a while.

I will tell you what gets to me to this day, is how they are such cowards in all of this. They are sucker punchers. We are busy in our lives selling our souls everyday so that we can take care of them, and give them the world, and they are side swiping you with their created dramas, self made chaos and trying to destroy you anyway that they can. Never to your face, never on even ground. They hit and run, and hide in their holes... .

[Tausk]

Reading your points as a follow up to yesterday... . and I'm thinking, yup, yup, yup... .

Good for you. It takes time.  I've had to learn to accept, forgive, and enjoy the journey.  The pain is unavoidable.  There's no way around the minimal level of pain, anger, depression, denial... .

But if we don't respond in a productive manner, we can suffer in these emotions for a long long long time.  In fact, even for the rest of out lives.  Read some of the posts of members who have been on for five or more years who are still very bitter and angry.  The ones that continue to reengage yet blame the pwBPD when it hits the fan.  The ones whose inability to take responsibility for their own role in the destruction.   These are just two examples.  Recovery is possible, but not promised, unless we make the effort.

So, I try and remember that the emotions are neutral.  Neither good not bad, but my preferred state is happiness, so in order to get to there I have to respond to my emotions in a productive manner, such as feel, process, learn, let go, and move on.

Also, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Just like we can hope that our boundaries will be respected but we should prepare for the likelihood that they won't.  

And Madison, for you  I'd bet that your ex doesn't move off the block anytime soon.  If she found her true love and soul mate she might, but if not, she likely will want to keep the connection to you.  If you can't move, you might have to accept that fact.  But preparing yourself emotionally for that fact might be a good idea.  

From what I read, you're doing great.  You might not feel all that great every moment, but I've had to learn that I can be doing much  better than I feel.  Again, the feel is neutral, but doing well sets the ground work for recovery.  

The words that you have written are a cornerstone of recovery for us all.  The other cornerstones such as, self honesty, self acceptance, meaning in life, service, self love, self awareness, willingness, patience and other spiritual principles... . will also come.  And soon the foundation for a life that we could only dream about will be a reality.  It has happened to me.  I believe that it will happen for you.

[seeking balance]

Maybe this needed to happen to help me in my recovery?  I think so.

This is a gauge to where you are - you have a plan with your T, this is really all you can do.

We do the best we can with the information we have; you gathered new data on you.  My guess is this is not nearly the set back you may think but rather a springboard into a new area of recovery.

Peace,

SB

[Turkish]

Turkish, were we dating the same woman... . LOL... . how dare us have basic needs, and want the universe to spin around us every once and a while.

I will tell you what gets to me to this day, is how they are such cowards in all of this. They are sucker punchers. We are busy in our lives selling our souls everyday so that we can take care of them, and give them the world, and they are side swiping you with their created dramas, self made chaos and trying to destroy you anyway that they can. Never to your face, never on even ground. They hit and run, and hide in their holes... .

Mine broke up with me after I came home Sunday night exhausted and plopped in my chair, after also working Saturday when I would have rather been home with my family. I mean, who does that? Talk about a sucker punch. I soon found out she had a replacement lined up... . then 5 mos of emotional hell after that while she was still here... .