Trying to Find Clarity

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't really know how to begin with something like this, but I'll just go into it. Lately I've been going through a number of emotional phases after my relationship with my pwBPD fell apart. Sometime around December my pwBPD decided that she wanted something else in life, and despite all of my efforts to reach out to her, validate her emotions, there wasn't anything I could do to keep us together. I felt like I lost my best friend and love, and during this time I also moved 1000km which takes me far away from all of my friends and my family.

It's been a difficult time to say the least. I've attempted to reach out to her a few times, sending her text messages, and while she's responded to my texts the responses were either curt or downright angry. I actually don't understand her anger, but I guess it's because she may have painted me black emotionally. The last time I texted her a message and she responded angrily, I actually got a bit angry about her response in turn -- Normally I don't get strong emotions when abusive behavior occurs, but it felt like undeserved abuse given that I am a good person and have never wronged her.

That angry response I had made me start thinking that perhaps I deserve better. And I am questioning my own behavior a lot now. Questions like, "Am I being codependent because I want this woman in my life?" Because I want her in my life, but she's shown no interest in having a conversation with me over the past few months. I don't know that I can put my life on hold to be missing this person constantly because she isn't capable of even trying to communicate with me or do anything to make progress on her own emotional or life issues. So I've been trying to move forward with my life, find other people who are capable of sustaining relationships that positively contribute to my life... . I still want her in my life, but I recognize that I can't do anything to keep her there.

So of course, after two months and change of never initiating any kind of contact with me, today I see she's looked at one of my pages online. Nothing has come of this yet, but I wonder what his means. I just have so much confusion about my own behavior and hers -- She went from saying that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, to cutting off all contact -- That I can't understand what is right and normal and good in a situation like this. Perhaps it's wrong for me to think that I can help her, and I should just dissociate myself entirely, but at the same time I can't help but feeling that a part of me will always question what could've happened if we both were committed enough to trying to make it work.

[usernamed]

I don't really know how to begin with something like this, but I'll just go into it. Lately I've been going through a number of emotional phases after my relationship with my pwBPD fell apart. Sometime around December my pwBPD decided that she wanted something else in life, and despite all of my efforts to reach out to her, validate her emotions, there wasn't anything I could do to keep us together. I felt like I lost my best friend and love, and during this time I also moved 1000km which takes me far away from all of my friends and my family.

It's been a difficult time to say the least. I've attempted to reach out to her a few times, sending her text messages, and while she's responded to my texts the responses were either curt or downright angry. I actually don't understand her anger, but I guess it's because she may have painted me black emotionally. The last time I texted her a message and she responded angrily, I actually got a bit angry about her response in turn -- Normally I don't get strong emotions when abusive behavior occurs, but it felt like undeserved abuse given that I am a good person and have never wronged her.

That angry response I had made me start thinking that perhaps I deserve better. And I am questioning my own behavior a lot now. Questions like, "Am I being codependent because I want this woman in my life?" Because I want her in my life, but she's shown no interest in having a conversation with me over the past few months. I don't know that I can put my life on hold to be missing this person constantly because she isn't capable of even trying to communicate with me or do anything to make progress on her own emotional or life issues. So I've been trying to move forward with my life, find other people who are capable of sustaining relationships that positively contribute to my life... . I still want her in my life, but I recognize that I can't do anything to keep her there.

So of course, after two months and change of never initiating any kind of contact with me, today I see she's looked at one of my pages online. Nothing has come of this yet, but I wonder what his means. I just have so much confusion about my own behavior and hers -- She went from saying that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, to cutting off all contact -- That I can't understand what is right and normal and good in a situation like this. Perhaps it's wrong for me to think that I can help her, and I should just dissociate myself entirely, but at the same time I can't help but feeling that a part of me will always question what could've happened if we both were committed enough to trying to make it work.

[maxsterling]

This kind of situation is tough even after a relationship between emotionally healthy people.  With a pwBPD?  You just don't know what you are going to get.  All breakups have the issue of where the boundaries are, do you quit all contact, issues with mutual friends, etc.  With BPD, you can hear one thing when they are thinking another, things can change on an instant and change again the next instant, and you feel so emotionally drained and confused. 

personally, the only way I think one cannot be destroyed when in any kind of relationship with a pwBPD is to let go of all expectations.  That means, if she doesn't want to talk you have to accept that as part of the way she is.  You just will never have a healthy relationship - period.  You just have to accept that the unhealthy relationship is what it is. 

I'm not sure why your ex is looking at your pages online.  She may be just curious what you are up to without wanting contact.  She may be looking for fuel to be angry at you for something.  But if you two are to get back together, you pretty much have to wait for her to make up her mind on her own, otherwise you get caught in the same cycle again.

It's tough.  Wishing you clarity on this.