A vent about being stuck

[Starrynite]

So, I have a dBPD sister. Short background is a couple years ago we had a big blow up over something so minute that the story is not even worth getting into. She cut me out of her life and told me how horrible I was as a mom and as a person. I tried for weeks to try to patch things up and have a conversation but she ignored me. Then she let me back in, then cut me off, then let me back in etc etc. It came to a head last spring with death threats-she was having an episode. I then messaged her saying she was no longer welcome into my life due to her treatment of me and dangerous behaviors. three weeks later I got the inevitable apology wanting to move forward but not knowing how. A week later I wrote her back saying thanks but action on her part to take care of herself (eating properly, excersize, therapy, meds etc) is what I needed to move forward. We had minor correspondences back and forth since then, mostly her saying she'd stay away while I was visiting home (I live 3000 km away). Last xmas I was faced with the fact that I may have to see her and spend time with her so I prepared myself for that (therapy, reading about BPD and how to talk to them). I suggested to her that we see a counsellor together. At first she was into it, but of course she ended up playing victim again and 'it just wasn't a good time' to do that. I live very far away, its not like I can just come home anytime and deal with this. After xmas I msged her about moving forward with therapy. She just wanted me to leave her alone and 'stop sending random texts' (that doesn't happen... . ). We haven't corresponded since.

She wants to move forward, then she doesn't. Which one is it sister? It's so frusterating how we the healthy have to be the ones to try and maintain.

I'm tired. Part of me doesn't care if I ever see her again. I feel done, but I shouldn't be, mostly for my family, and I guess her. She's the one who is sick and I'm the healthy one... .

Thanks for reading. Vent over.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Starrynite,

It is hard having a relative with BPD. I really hear you when you say you are tired, as there can be so many ups and downs with this disorder. My mother has BPD and my sister has a lot of traits, so I have felt worn down at times, too. Learning ways to take care of our boundaries is really important.

I hear you saying you feel done trying to improve your relationship with your sister and that you also feel guilty about wanting to give up. A lot of us have felt that same ambivalence. It is good that you feel comfortable sharing your feelings, and here on this board we are going to encourage you to look for some solutions to the frustration you feel. Practically, what options do you see right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF