Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:08:30 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: It's a terrible shame what BPD does to relationships  (Read 403 times)
lost tree

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 24


« on: February 28, 2014, 04:33:15 PM »

Hi all,

After reading so many topics/threads here and online in general almost all are referred to as "ex's". What once attracted us or brought us into a relationship is seemingly gone because of a rare infliction if you will…A terrible mental disturbance or imbalance that almost always leads to a breakup with the non BPDer running for the hills.

I'm not saying my girlfriend of 16 months that I just called it off with has BPD (I'm not a doctor) but all signs seem to strongly point in that direction, I even took the online test and with exception of the self harm question she is BPD. In my heart and in my mind I still want her, I want it to work, I feel like I'm responsible to see this through and see us together and happy but after my very gentlemanly, concerned and heartfelt letter to her and a separate letter to her parents it appears I've been written off as "A BAD PERSON", I've heard zero from her or her family.

It's such a sad scenario for all here.  :'(
Logged
goingtostopthis
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 277


« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2014, 05:08:53 PM »

Lost Tree,

       You are not  alone.    I contacted the parents of my boyfriend too.  His mother and asked that she share my message with his father as well.    I got back a one liner that said,  it seems like its the other way around.  I wrote again and his mother said she didnt want to get involved with our disagreements.   Still to this day I dont know how his parents could not know that something has been a miss with their son. Absolute lunacy. He needs psychological help so desperately. I could only conclude that she was lying to me and being in her own world as a parent which only shows why hes gotten so sick.   

                                 I can relate so much to what you wrote, I just cant express it enough. 
Logged
DiamondSW
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 181


« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2014, 06:18:23 PM »

I'm afraid guys that you're informing their next nearest and dearest that their children have a serious mental health concern that's not going to go away.

They know about it for sure because when you're no longer dating the BPD, they're taking their anger/acting up over these same people.

I remember in the first 3 mths of my relationship a very strange discussion with my exBPDgf's aunt where the aunt said 'don't stay in her room overnight' (the girl lived in a hall of residence room).  I thought this v odd... .   why would the aunt care?

ah ha!  (Protecting me from the mood swings and veral abuse maybe which would inevitably come?)

And then I remember the BPDexgf telling me that she once didnt talk to the aunt for 3mths... .   now I know this is called splitting... . why wouldn't she talk?  My guess is the aunt go too close and kaboom!

The only help is a psychiatrist and years of therapy.  Chatting to their parents is hopeless! 
Logged
goingtostopthis
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 277


« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2014, 10:41:45 PM »

Diamond,   I hear you on that one,  how ever it really depends upon the case. I wrote his mother on an earlier problem like this one but not as bad.  I was getting the silent treatment I couldnt contact him, and at the same time he was talking about suicide.  SO! Hey!  I did what I felt right! At that time  his parents did interceded and it worked out very well for all concerned. He even told me he was sorry about it.

                                       What turned out to make no sense at all , was the second time I contacted his mother. This time was when he really flipped and split on me to the point where I was so in shocked, and once again he was talking about not wanting to live.  This time I suppose he got to her and told her it was all me  and she bought it. She is 85 years old and a little silly in the head,  so what ever. I did what I thought was right and I still think it was the right thing to do. It made things worse how ever,  but I knew at the time this was a chance I was taking.  What if something really did happen! Then how I would live with myself?  Ha!   I could not begin to help this guy on my own. An intervention was needed, how ever his parents have gotten so old and most lightly tired of him and his problems that they wrote it off.  It was very sad for me because they have all ways been so happy to have me in his life and have been so over whelmingly kind to me and liking me. They were all over me when  met them  and his mother would make comments that if anyone could help him get his life together it would be me.   -------Then this happens , I stand up to it in alarm! and real loving   concern for him

and I get erased.  It was like a second betrayer. unbelievable... .   )  :  
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2014, 12:24:49 AM »

I'm not saying my girlfriend of 16 months that I just called it off with has BPD (I'm not a doctor) but all signs seem to strongly point in that direction, I even took the online test and with exception of the self harm question she is BPD. In my heart and in my mind I still want her, I want it to work, I feel like I'm responsible to see this through and see us together and happy but after my very gentlemanly, concerned and heartfelt letter to her and a separate letter to her parents it appears I've been written off as "A BAD PERSON", I've heard zero from her or her family.

I'm not a professional to diagnose my ex either. I would never be able to convince her to go and get diagnosed either. I don't get hung up on the term so much anymore, but it's more about what I am willing to tolerate with someone else' behaviors and boundaries. Why was I in a toxic relationship and what part of it did I own?

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

From my personal experience with the ex's family. It was painful because I felt like I lost my own family.

Birds of a feather flock together.  Blood is thicker than water. Don't take it personal.

Whether or not my ex is PD or not, there is a reason why she has gone on for as long as she has, because she has enablers. They look the other way and don't do anything.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Spartan999

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 25


« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2014, 12:52:25 AM »

Mutt.    DEAD.  ON.     Your last few paragraphs.    Some of you have such an articulate simplicity that is so factual.    Enablers.   I recognize this.  It is powerful.   It is SO empowering forca BPD.  If yours is enabled and not a loner.   Don't fantasize.   They cut the deepest.  They survive the longest     I thought I belonged to.  But.  They bet how long you would be around.  They joked about learning your name only if around three months or more.  They asked  'you still hanging around' after SHE pulled ME back in.     They.  Is the dysfunctional enabling parents.   Where you sit one thanksgiving and a different sits the one before and after.  Give it up.  When they are done.  THEY don't care.    I know.   Surreal.  But. I saw the flags.    They wave early.   We just got entrapped at the adoration and sex.   The flags are there.  Heal Yourself.   You deserve better.  Be if it's three years.  Not one week like them.   Find peace in you.   Someone else will     The energy of a BPD relationship is a drug.   Detox

Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2014, 01:22:01 AM »

Mutt.    :)EAD.  ON.     Your last few paragraphs.    Some of you have such an articulate simplicity that is so factual.    Enablers.   I recognize this.  It is powerful.   It is SO empowering forca BPD.  If yours is enabled and not a loner.   Don't fantasize.   They cut the deepest.  They survive the longest     I thought I belonged to.  But.  They bet how long you would be around.  They joked about learning your name only if around three months or more.  They asked  'you still hanging around' after SHE pulled ME back in.     They.  Is the dysfunctional enabling parents.   Where you sit one thanksgiving and a different sits the one before and after.  Give it up.  When they are done.  THEY don't care.    I know.   Surreal.  But. I saw the flags.    They wave early.   We just got entrapped at the adoration and sex.   The flags are there.  Heal Yourself.   You deserve better.  Be if it's three years.  Not one week like them.   Find peace in you.   Someone else will     The energy of a BPD relationship is a drug.   Detox

I recall the first time that I met my ex MIL. It was really early in the r/s and she said something that I had never forgotten. My uBPDex was in the room and ex MIL said "so this is the one?" I had always thought that was a strange comment for having just met me.

It saddens me, but someone that chooses to look the other way like MIL, is a part of the problem and she has lost my respect. I believe only when the ex runs out of enablers, she may recognize that there is something wrong within, and seek help but I can't see that happening in the foreseeable future, and she's 31 now. 

Bang on Spartan999. Go figure why they can't figure out there's a new bf at the thanksgiving dinner table and the stories about the abusive ex's are always the same  


Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4326



« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2014, 02:05:13 AM »

I'm not saying my girlfriend of 16 months that I just called it off with has BPD (I'm not a doctor) but all signs seem to strongly point in that direction, I even took the online test and with exception of the self harm question she is BPD. In my heart and in my mind I still want her, I want it to work, I feel like I'm responsible to see this through and see us together and happy but after my very gentlemanly, concerned and heartfelt letter to her and a separate letter to her parents it appears I've been written off as "A BAD PERSON", I've heard zero from her or her family.

I'm not a professional to diagnose my ex either. I would never be able to convince her to go and get diagnosed either. I don't get hung up on the term so much anymore, but it's more about what I am willing to tolerate with someone else' behaviors and boundaries. Why was I in a toxic relationship and what part of it did I own?

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

From my personal experience with the ex's family. It was painful because I felt like I lost my own family.

Birds of a feather flock together.  Blood is thicker than water. Don't take it personal.

Whether or not my ex is PD or not, there is a reason why she has gone on for as long as she has, because she has enablers. They look the other way and don't do anything.

That article is one of my favorites.  Thanks for reposting it.

If anyone hasn't read it and wants to know how to suss out what to aim for in a relationship it describes a good barometer. 
Logged

Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2014, 05:51:53 AM »

Yes I had the experience of losing my inlaws, I was still in shock and trauma when I ended 14 years with their daughter. My MIL loved me like a son. After the split she still contacted me, I had 2 children with her daughter. She was always the main part of our recycles, I think she realised how patient and good I was for her daughter, loved talking with me, running past her projects for my take on them. Ironically she has become a hypnotherapist, her daughter always said she hated hypnotherapy because she couldn't stand people telling her what to do. I felt like I'd lost my whole family when we split, I'm from a family of 5, destroyed really by my BpD mother.

I see most of my issues have to do with me finding a family and ending up with the same female abuse. It's a cycle I have been repeating, good relationships I have had have ended amicably but have ended.

Self love, self awareness, self work are difficult when you don't know the core problem or choose to ignore it. I have codependency problems, if someone says they love me I expect I will prove to be unlovable. Just a deep small feeling inside almost invisible. So I work really hard to prove myself lovable, perfect man for abuse. I put down boundaries and stay true to them but get outflanked by absolute determination by my partners crazy. Can't quite leave always want to solve the problem.

Really working hard to change my inner voice, getting there slowly. I would never tell my inlaws their daughter has BPD. They refuse to see her as mentally ill, why should they. She is now abusing her new man exactly the way she treated me. High functioning, amazing job, Why change? I can see now her 'nobody is loyal to me behaviours' and idealisation/devaluation behaviours for what they are. The lack of empathy is astonishing with her, no friends left, objectifies our kids, total inability to love.

What normal person would believe such things? Only the sadly enlightened... . us. I'm doing Ok, small changes are happening, I'm aware of how I am and my emotional life.

Not depressed anymore, getting 'real' about myself was scary.its all about clearing out garbage from the body and mind. I'm in the best shape I've ever been. Long way to go, anger is settling, express how I feel more easily, can express anger in a more positive way, can express feelings and thoughts more honestly.
Logged
Surnia
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2014, 06:35:06 AM »

Hi lost tree

and welcome here. I am sorry to hear about your recent break up with your gf. And I hear your disappointment about the fact you don't got an answer from her and her parents as a reply to your letter.

The big wish our partners would acknowledge their problems and change it - I can very much relate with it in many relationships I had. 

The following quotation is from the Workshop about "Telling someone that you thing about they may have BPD". I think this is something to think about.

Changing A Person

Often co-dependent couples are disillusioned with romantic love and there is a sense of “I can fix her, and change her, and make her whole” and on the flip side “he can save me, provide for me, and nurture me, and make me whole.”  Then later down the road it dawns on the fixer that he is not able to fix or change his spouse.  It was assumed by the fixer that once married and his gift of ‘fixing’ were engaged, the partner would heal and everything would be hunky-dory.   Instead things may have gotten worse because the spouse cannot get fixed enough and will up the stakes to bring on more of an urgency to be fixed.  So, things have indeed changed, but for the worse because the needy became more needy and burnout is just over the horizon.  In essence, relationships are practically doom for failure if one or both partners are not happy at the point of marriage and are expecting ‘change.’  Basically, a person ‘marries’ what they agreed to marry when they say, “I do.”

Do I get this right, she was kind of leaving the relationship?

Logged

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5521



« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2014, 02:10:55 PM »

Why was I in a toxic relationship and what part of it did I own?

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The title of this implies Borderlines caused its demise. I agree with you Mutt that we also bring our own issues and sometimes poor relationship skills that contribute to the conflict cycle. Many of us also needed to be needed and seek out people to fix.

The relationship began on very shakey foundations. It was shakey from the get go - very difficult to right it as time goes on. We just need to be more cognizant of red flags.

Any ideas why you dismissed the red flags?
Logged

DiamondSW
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 181


« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2014, 06:31:22 PM »

Turn your headline around... .

"It's a terrible thing what relationships do to BPD"... .   my ex couldn't cope with anyone getting close or seeing her vulnerable... . pushes everyone who loves her and is physically close AWAY.  Very loving though to those 3000 miles away or who are transient... .

What a shame about the SHAME... .  
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2014, 07:13:29 PM »

Why was I in a toxic relationship and what part of it did I own?

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The title of this implies Borderlines caused its demise. I agree with you Mutt that we also bring our own issues and sometimes poor relationship skills that contribute to the conflict cycle. Many of us also needed to be needed and seek out people to fix.

The relationship began on very shakey foundations. It was shakey from the get go - very difficult to right it as time goes on. We just need to be more cognizant of red flags.

Any ideas why you dismissed the red flags?

I dismissed the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) because I was very lonely and didn't want to be alone anymore, seeked validation, felt sympathy for a single mom with a child and thought that I could help her.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5521



« Reply #13 on: March 01, 2014, 09:32:17 PM »

Why was I in a toxic relationship and what part of it did I own?

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The title of this implies Borderlines caused its demise. I agree with you Mutt that we also bring our own issues and sometimes poor relationship skills that contribute to the conflict cycle. Many of us also needed to be needed and seek out people to fix.

The relationship began on very shakey foundations. It was shakey from the get go - very difficult to right it as time goes on. We just need to be more cognizant of red flags.

Any ideas why you dismissed the red flags?

I dismissed the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) because I was very lonely and didn't want to be alone anymore, seeked validation, felt sympathy for a single mom with a child and thought that I could help her.

Thanks Mutt for chiming in!

Your thoughts lost tree on why you dismissed the red flags?
Logged

goingtostopthis
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 277


« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2014, 08:28:36 AM »

  Its a terrible shame what BPD does to a relationship.  Its worse what they do to the non BPD.  I did nothing wrong to deserve the treatment I got! period.  It had nothing to do with my past issues, resolved or unresolved.  It had nothing to do with red flags I saw or didnt see.  period.   
Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2014, 08:44:52 AM »

i could take bits from most of the stories on this thread and they would apply to my experience. thanks to everyone for posting.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!