Mom keeps texting me, don't know what to do or say

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's such a long story, but the short of it is (and I posted the long here elsewhere), mom hasn't really spoken to me in 8 months now after she blew up at me for all kinds of things (including things that occurred 30+ years ago!).  She is going through a marriage falling apart (her third), the death of her daughter, her youngest leaving home and a job loss.  I get it.  That's a lot to deal with and she snapped.  BUT, it also doesn't make it ok for me to be her whipping post.

I am supposed to travel back to where she lives in a little over a month for a family wedding (one she will not be at).  It sucks because normally I would stay with my mother but this time, I won't.  She's done too much damage and the wedding will be hard enough for me to attend without also having to deal with her.

I told her that I would be at a hotel and she said I could stay with her.  I said I don't feel welcome and she said she was sorry I felt that way but the offer stands.

Then, very late at night (2 AM her time), she started texting me asking why I am even going to this wedding, knowing it will "tear me apart".  I replied because I am going for the couple, the other people there don't matter, and that is the person I want to be - one to support the person getting married despite my own issues.

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It set me off because she pushed me away 8 months ago, berated me a few times via email after that, explicitly "disowned" me via email and hasn't really spoken to me at all, even though at one point, she said it was all a "terrible mistake".  Every conversation has been started by me, and she cuts it short.

So I told her that I found it interesting that for someone who has pushed me away, disowned me, and stopped speaking to me, that she has such great insight into my life.

Wrong response, I know, but I am just losing my patience with her.

So she replied that all *I* needed to do was pick up the phone and apologize TO HER (which, by the way, I did 8 months ago after the first email, despite my not wanting to, AND I have apologized for various things via email since then). That I need to stop twisting her words (ha ha ha, WHAT?).  And then how I have made my feelings clear (um, unless she's "getting" that she has crushed my spirit and broken my heart, then NO) and how she guesses she has lost BOTH of her daughters.

CRY ME A RIVER!

But... .   but... .   she is my mother.  I know she is struggling and hurting.  But I really feel like I am at a breaking point.  I don't want to hurt her.  I don't want to lose the relationship we had (I was the "golden child" even though it's clearly already lost.  I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother (the grandmother I envision, not the one she is right now).  But I also want to be free.  I want to be free from the drama, the turmoil, and most of all, the pain.

I don't know how to go on.  I wish I could set the clock back one year and just prevent all of this.  I misunderstood something back in July (thought my niece was going to call me so I didn't call her) and THAT is what set his all in motion.  At the same time, such a simple misunderstanding - THAT DID NOT EVEN INVOLVE MY MOTHER - should not be enough to completely destroy a relationship.

It's all just... .   crazy.  It makes ME feel crazy.  I don't know what to do.  I responded one more time that I did apologize to her on more than one occasion and then I shut my phone off.

How can I fix this?

[Fremont]

It's such a long story, but the short of it is (and I posted the long here elsewhere), mom hasn't really spoken to me in 8 months now after she blew up at me for all kinds of things (including things that occurred 30+ years ago!).  She is going through a marriage falling apart (her third), the death of her daughter, her youngest leaving home and a job loss.  I get it.  That's a lot to deal with and she snapped.  BUT, it also doesn't make it ok for me to be her whipping post.

I am supposed to travel back to where she lives in a little over a month for a family wedding (one she will not be at).  It sucks because normally I would stay with my mother but this time, I won't.  She's done too much damage and the wedding will be hard enough for me to attend without also having to deal with her.

I told her that I would be at a hotel and she said I could stay with her.  I said I don't feel welcome and she said she was sorry I felt that way but the offer stands.

Then, very late at night (2 AM her time), she started texting me asking why I am even going to this wedding, knowing it will "tear me apart".  I replied because I am going for the couple, the other people there don't matter, and that is the person I want to be - one to support the person getting married despite my own issues.

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It set me off because she pushed me away 8 months ago, berated me a few times via email after that, explicitly "disowned" me via email and hasn't really spoken to me at all, even though at one point, she said it was all a "terrible mistake".  Every conversation has been started by me, and she cuts it short.

So I told her that I found it interesting that for someone who has pushed me away, disowned me, and stopped speaking to me, that she has such great insight into my life.

Wrong response, I know, but I am just losing my patience with her.

So she replied that all *I* needed to do was pick up the phone and apologize TO HER (which, by the way, I did 8 months ago after the first email, despite my not wanting to, AND I have apologized for various things via email since then). That I need to stop twisting her words (ha ha ha, WHAT?).  And then how I have made my feelings clear (um, unless she's "getting" that she has crushed my spirit and broken my heart, then NO) and how she guesses she has lost BOTH of her daughters.

CRY ME A RIVER!

But... .   but... .   she is my mother.  I know she is struggling and hurting.  But I really feel like I am at a breaking point.  I don't want to hurt her.  I don't want to lose the relationship we had (I was the "golden child" even though it's clearly already lost.  I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother (the grandmother I envision, not the one she is right now).  But I also want to be free.  I want to be free from the drama, the turmoil, and most of all, the pain.

I don't know how to go on.  I wish I could set the clock back one year and just prevent all of this.  I misunderstood something back in July (thought my niece was going to call me so I didn't call her) and THAT is what set his all in motion.  At the same time, such a simple misunderstanding - THAT DID NOT EVEN INVOLVE MY MOTHER - should not be enough to completely destroy a relationship.

It's all just... .   crazy.  It makes ME feel crazy.  I don't know what to do.  I responded one more time that I did apologize to her on more than one occasion and then I shut my phone off.

How can I fix this?

[P.F.Change]

But... .   but... .   she is my mother.  I know she is struggling and hurting.  But I really feel like I am at a breaking point.  I don't want to hurt her.  I don't want to lose the relationship we had (I was the "golden child" even though it's clearly already lost.  I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother (the grandmother I envision, not the one she is right now).  But I also want to be free.  I want to be free from the drama, the turmoil, and most of all, the pain.

You sound worn out. I know it is hard.

You may not be able to convince her to see you the way she used to--that is not something you can control. It can be possible to create some emotional space for yourself while still maintaining a relationship with your mother.

Have you thought about your boundaries?

You are still in a dance with your mother, arguing and explaining and joining in the chaos when she asks you to. You can choose instead to be your own island of calm regardless of what storm is raging in her world. Boundaries help with that. What subjects will you discuss? Which ones are off-limits? What time of day will you respond to texts and messages? These are a few examples. The things she does that bother you--these are usually indicators of where your boundaries are. Can you name some?

[Fremont]

Off limit subjects to this point have been politics, religion and anything criticizing others.  I need to add to that list my husband, my father and his family, and my inlaws.  But how do you enforce boundaries when she pushes the issues?

I should not answer texts that come after 11 PM her time as there is no reason for her to be up that late and especially not pestering me with whatever is keeping her up (generally whatever I did wrong this time).

[Fremont]

She stayed today she is waiting for me to call and apologize to her.  I have nothing to apologize for at this point.  How do I get past this impasse and move on if I am not willing to apologize the way she wants?

[AsianSon]

My experience has been that there might be no apology that will work.  And focusing on the phone call with your niece lets your mother dictate your response. 

My suggestion is that you focus on moving forward with her. I have tried this and it helped set a boundary between the past and the future. 

So you set a boundary that the phone call was in the past and no one can change the past.  If you want, you can repeat that you have already apologized regarding the phone call and now want to move forward in your relationship with her while leaving the phone call in the past.   

If you feel comfortable, and feel that it might help, you can apologize again.  But set the boundary that this issue is settled now and will become the past, where you will leave it. 

But please understand that this is not a magic cure, and your mother might not be happy with it.  This was my recent experience with my mother, after about 4 years of apologizing each time I saw her for the same thing. 

[Fremont]

After a complete blow up where she told me she is tired of my negativity (ugh) and saying she is done with me (again), I just deleted the text conversation and ignored her last message.  I did email her later in the evening and tried the SET method I read about here.  I told her I was sorry for blowing up at her and I realized it seemed out of the blue, but that I am not ready to discuss difficult emotional topics with her and I would rather work on our relationship before going down that path.  I told her she did not have to reply, but was welcome to and that I was staying away from texting for a while.

Now I need to set a time frame for myself as to when I will deal with her should she reply.  Maybe at least a week.  If she responds before a week, I will let it sit unread until a week from now, so I have time to distance myself from the situation.

[AsianSon]

I hope you recognize how much you have accomplished:

1) you took care of yourself by ending the exchange by text;

2) you used SET;

3) you removed yourself from the difficult emotional topics until there are improvements in communications and the relationship; and

4) you set a boundary that texting was not the means to communicate for a while. 

Good for you!

A quick comment is that if your last email to her set a week as your time frame for further emails, then the expectations going forward are set by that.  If you did not, a quick response from her that goes unanswered for a week might become another trigger for her.  It might not be too late to set that expectation in a follow-up email. 

[Fremont]

Thank you for the affirmation that I did well (enough) this time.  She did write back to my email, but I'm not ready to read it.  Of course I am also scared to wait too long to read it.  What to do?   

[P.F.Change]

Good points by AsianSon. It is good to give yourself credit for things you did well. 

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It sounds like there is a boundary in there somewhere that needs to be taken care of. Can you find it?

So I told her that I found it interesting that for someone who has pushed me away, disowned me, and stopped speaking to me, that she has such great insight into my life.

Wrong response, I know, but I am just losing my patience with her.

She is who she is. That does not make her behavior ok, but it can help knowing you do not have the ability to change it. You can only control your end. Agreeing to participate in circular arguments can keep you stuck in these painful patterns. If you want things to change, you are going to have to change your response.How to stop circular arguments

What can you do the next time you feel yourself losing patience?

Off limit subjects to this point have been politics, religion and anything criticizing others.  I need to add to that list my husband, my father and his family, and my inlaws.  But how do you enforce boundaries when she pushes the issues?

Having boundaries is not going to change the other person or get them to agree that your boundaries are worthwhile. Asking nicely isn't necessarily going to make her act differently. Your mother is probably going to keep bringing up subjects you don't want to discuss, and she probably won't understand why you don't want to discuss them. You may need to be prepared to end the conversation or hang up the phone when she pushes. Here's one example of how that might go:

Someone brings up an off-limits topic.

"I'm not going to discuss that with you." (Using SET and making this the Truth statement is even better.)

She pushes.

"I have said I will not discuss that subject. Let's talk about something else."

She pushes again.

"Ok, Mom, I'm going to have to hang up now. Let's talk again another time."

Thank you for the affirmation that I did well (enough) this time.  She did write back to my email, but I'm not ready to read it.  Of course I am also scared to wait too long to read it.  What to do?   

There aren't right and wrong answers here. If you are not ready to read it, don't read it now. It might help to decide how long you might want to wait. A day? Two?


If it helps, I do not think my sister has a PD, but she has difficulty regulating her own emotions, which has led to problems in our relationship in the past. Now, I like to wait at least 24 hours before I respond to her messages when she seems worked up. That gives her the opportunity to find a way to soothe herself, so that we can both be calm when I talk to her.

Is there something about the email that you are anxious about, and that is why you don't feel like reading it yet? What do you think is going to happen if you wait "too long" to read it? Sometimes when we're anxious, it helps to be able to spell out our specific fears.

[AsianSon]

Thank you for the affirmation that I did well (enough) this time.  She did write back to my email, but I'm not ready to read it.  Of course I am also scared to wait too long to read it.  What to do?   

Because my mom also expects responses, I completely understand the fear in "waiting too long".  But note that you need to set your own time table, or at least be at a relatively calm place before looking at the email. 

Take heart in the advantage email offers (which you wisely switched to from text):  you don't have to react in real time like in a phone call.  This way, you can look, have your feelings (and take the time you need), before responding to individual items in the email. 

Perhaps one way is to print the email without reading it (hold something over your computer screen if you have to).  Then fold the paper so that you read a little at a time.  That way, if something is challenging, you can stop to process that part before having to deal with any more of the email. 

This might take some discipline, but perhaps you can look at it as you being in control of the situation.  A kind of boundary as to how you choose to handle your mom's communication.  This control lets you handle a bit at a time rather than having to read the whole thing and immediately being pulled in by your mom's perspective and reacting. 

[TristanV]

Hello,

I'm pretty new here, but in sorting out these boards I found this post.  Your experience with your mother is... . remarkably similar to mine, and I suppose in part I'm taking in the fact that there are others in very similar positions to mine.  My mom and I once had a one-year no-speaking fight over a birthday card.  She brings up every bad facet of her marriage going 30 years back when she gets angry.  Response times are expected to be quick, and her opinion trumps all.  Oh and that whole thing about apologies and thank-yous never existing when it's convenient for her... . that's a thing.

What has helped me before (via therapy, friends, and some ballroom dance), is remembering that I am a priority.  So, in your situation this extends to you and your family (SO + kids, right?).  You and your family are the priority.  Setting the boundaries, working with your mother, and navigating what is essentially a mine field of topics/triggers/etc takes emotional energy.  Energy you need to be stable.  That might mean stepping back so that you can recoup the energy necessary to set those boundaries appropriately.  I know your situation is more complex than mine (I'm single, heh), but I think being able to remember that you are important, and a priority, is key.

You've done a lot of that already though, it looks like.  Let that e-mail response happen on your time, and let you and your family be #1. 

[Fremont]

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It sounds like there is a boundary in there somewhere that needs to be taken care of. Can you find it?

The fact that I replied right away?

What can you do the next time you feel yourself losing patience?

Ahhhhh... .   I don't even know!  The easy reply is to put down my phone but that angers me because it's my phone and I don't want to have to remove myself from it (which includes access to messaging other people, email, etc) just because of HER.

Thank you for the affirmation that I did well (enough) this time.  She did write back to my email, but I'm not ready to read it.  Of course I am also scared to wait too long to read it.  What to do?   

There aren't right and wrong answers here. If you are not ready to read it, don't read it now. It might help to decide how long you might want to wait. A day? Two?

If it helps, I do not think my sister has a PD, but she has difficulty regulating her own emotions, which has led to problems in our relationship in the past. Now, I like to wait at least 24 hours before I respond to her messages when she seems worked up. That gives her the opportunity to find a way to soothe herself, so that we can both be calm when I talk to her.

Is there something about the email that you are anxious about, and that is why you don't feel like reading it yet? What do you think is going to happen if you wait "too long" to read it? Sometimes when we're anxious, it helps to be able to spell out our specific fears.

I really didn't know what to expect.  I figured it would be filled with her rage and accusations, which then get me worked up because there's so much I could say in response, but I know it's not worth the energy or effort because she won't "get it", so then I am left in an agitated state.  I did read the email and will follow up here with what it said after I respond to replies.

[Fremont]

Perhaps one way is to print the email without reading it (hold something over your computer screen if you have to).  Then fold the paper so that you read a little at a time.  That way, if something is challenging, you can stop to process that part before having to deal with any more of the email. 

This might take some discipline, but perhaps you can look at it as you being in control of the situation.  A kind of boundary as to how you choose to handle your mom's communication.  This control lets you handle a bit at a time rather than having to read the whole thing and immediately being pulled in by your mom's perspective and reacting. 

This is a great suggestion.  Thank you.

[Fremont]

Hello,

I'm pretty new here, but in sorting out these boards I found this post.  Your experience with your mother is... . remarkably similar to mine, and I suppose in part I'm taking in the fact that there are others in very similar positions to mine.  My mom and I once had a one-year no-speaking fight over a birthday card.  She brings up every bad facet of her marriage going 30 years back when she gets angry.  Response times are expected to be quick, and her opinion trumps all.  Oh and that whole thing about apologies and thank-yous never existing when it's convenient for her... . that's a thing.

What has helped me before (via therapy, friends, and some ballroom dance), is remembering that I am a priority.  So, in your situation this extends to you and your family (SO + kids, right?).  You and your family are the priority.  Setting the boundaries, working with your mother, and navigating what is essentially a mine field of topics/triggers/etc takes emotional energy.  Energy you need to be stable.  That might mean stepping back so that you can recoup the energy necessary to set those boundaries appropriately.  I know your situation is more complex than mine (I'm single, heh), but I think being able to remember that you are important, and a priority, is key.

You've done a lot of that already though, it looks like.  Let that e-mail response happen on your time, and let you and your family be #1. 

Thank you - I have been working on this (making my family #1).  I was mad when we were texting because my littlest one was fussy and I was getting short with her because of my frustration with my mother.  That's not fair at all. 

And yes, I think we have the same mother!  If I had any (living) siblings, I might think we were related. 

[Fremont]

So here is my follow up, but first, let me say I am LOVING this community.  It is SO NICE to have people who really "get it" to talk to.  My SO gets it in a way, but is emotionally involved in the whole situation so often our conversations are about how wrong she is, how frustrating, etc... .   no real insight into dealing with it or true empathy as SO doesn't have a mother like mine.

Anyhow, I did read the email because I got worried I might wait too long.  (Note to self: it's my life and I can read emails when I please!)

It was... .   different.

She said she was sorry if what she said hurt me, which I would like for it to feel like SOMETHING but she very intentionally said things to hurt me so I kind of just shake my head at the "IF I said things... . "

She also said we would have to "agree to disagree"   and that she believes the problem with our relationship is how far away from "home" I live.

EXCEPT... . I moved 14 years ago.  FOURTEEN YEARS I moved away!  And clearly THAT is the problem, and not the fact that she sent me scathing, cruel, and accusatory emails about what a horrible person I am (because I didn't call my niece).

Sigh.

She said we used to talk daily, then weekly, now maybe monthly.  I guess that is good reason to freak out and say every mean thing you can come up with and go back over 30+ years of history with someone?  And... .   AND... .   she never contacts me!  I guess her phone/email/texting doesn't work?  So just because I am busy with a full time job, spouse, four kids and LIFE makes me a bad person?

I know I am preaching to the choir... .   I just need to get this all off of my chest.  Yes, in the past fourteen years since I moved away, I got married... .   had a child... .   and another... .   and another... . and another... . and yes, as time goes on that takes up more of my time and the reality is even if we lived in the same town I likely would not have time to talk to her daily (?) or even weekly.  And I am sure the whole thing seems more pronounced to her as my sister died, my niece left for college and my mother is divorcing (or so she says she is) her third husband.  I am sure her loneliness is pronounced but I can't provide her happiness.

I have not replied to her.  I don't know what to say.  And I am still stuck in not wanting to bother with her because she is so deluded in what has happened and her role in it all.

Oh, I forgot... .   I should just forget what happened and "remember the good times".  Apparently that excuses all bad behavior.

[AsianSon]

So here is my follow up, but first, let me say I am LOVING this community.  It is SO NICE to have people who really "get it" to talk to.  My SO gets it in a way, but is emotionally involved in the whole situation so often our conversations are about how wrong she is, how frustrating, etc... .   no real insight into dealing with it or true empathy as SO doesn't have a mother like mine.

Anyhow, I did read the email because I got worried I might wait too long.  (Note to self: it's my life and I can read emails when I please!)

It was... .   different.

She said she was sorry if what she said hurt me, which I would like for it to feel like SOMETHING but she very intentionally said things to hurt me so I kind of just shake my head at the "IF I said things... . "

She also said we would have to "agree to disagree"   and that she believes the problem with our relationship is how far away from "home" I live.

EXCEPT... . I moved 14 years ago.  FOURTEEN YEARS I moved away!  And clearly THAT is the problem, and not the fact that she sent me scathing, cruel, and accusatory emails about what a horrible person I am (because I didn't call my niece).

Sigh.

She said we used to talk daily, then weekly, now maybe monthly.  I guess that is good reason to freak out and say every mean thing you can come up with and go back over 30+ years of history with someone?  And... .   AND... .   she never contacts me!  I guess her phone/email/texting doesn't work?  So just because I am busy with a full time job, spouse, four kids and LIFE makes me a bad person?

I know I am preaching to the choir... .   I just need to get this all off of my chest.  Yes, in the past fourteen years since I moved away, I got married... .   had a child... .   and another... .   and another... . and another... . and yes, as time goes on that takes up more of my time and the reality is even if we lived in the same town I likely would not have time to talk to her daily (?) or even weekly.  And I am sure the whole thing seems more pronounced to her as my sister died, my niece left for college and my mother is divorcing (or so she says she is) her third husband.  I am sure her loneliness is pronounced but I can't provide her happiness.

I have not replied to her.  I don't know what to say.  And I am still stuck in not wanting to bother with her because she is so deluded in what has happened and her role in it all.

Oh, I forgot... .   I should just forget what happened and "remember the good times".  Apparently that excuses all bad behavior.

Good for you in choosing to read the email on your terms.  I see from in your message the challenges posed by the email and your confusion in terms of how to react/respond to it. 

I think you have identified loneliness, fear of abandonment, and emptiness as challenges raised by your mom.  These have been seen in other BPD moms, and I continually face the same with my mom.  The other challenges, like "if what she said hurt you" are also common. 

So perhaps you now first decide on some boundaries, such as whether, how often, and by what means you will communicate with her.  Another boundary might be what topics are out of bounds, or how you have nothing to apologize for at this point (because having your own family and the commitments there do NOT make you "bad". 

Then perhaps you can respond by email with use of the SET method in writing.  You can confirm for her that you care about her (S), that you understand that she has been angry and frustrated with events over time (E), and that "This is what I can do…," or "This is how we can move forward…" (T). 

Please remember that you do NOT have to agree with her (unless you choose to).  But you are recognizing that she experiences her feelings.  And then rather than caving in to her, or letting her off the hook, you are using honest communication to make sure that you are heard.  You are NOT just reacting to and defending against what she says.

When I first encountered SET, it seemed a bit clinical and emotionally distant.  But now I see the S and E as showing the caring and positive emotion for the BPD mom.  And the last paragraph above might help your SO to understand what you are doing and how you are doing it. 

A therapist once helped my wife understand (and "deal" a little better by pointing out that she had a caring, non-BPD mother (perhaps like your SO) and so had positive experiences and memories.  Then the therapist asked my wife to imagine how sad it would be if her childhood was substituted by having my BPD mom as her mother.  This triggered empathy from my wife for me, which helps (even if she has no empathy for my mom). 

[P.F.Change]

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It sounds like there is a boundary in there somewhere that needs to be taken care of. Can you find it?

The fact that I replied right away?

I was thinking more along the lines of: your mother said something that bothered you and "set you off." Feeling like that is a sign that a boundary has been violated somewhere, and it's up to you to say, "I'm not going to talk about that." What is the topic you do not want your mother to bring up?

What can you do the next time you feel yourself losing patience?

Ahhhhh... .  I don't even know!  The easy reply is to put down my phone but that angers me because it's my phone and I don't want to have to remove myself from it (which includes access to messaging other people, email, etc) just because of HER.

Does ending a conversation with your mother really mean you cannot message someone else or check your email? Is it all or nothing?

What is wrong with saying, "Mom, I'm sorry but I need to go now. I will call you back in [X amount of time]?"

AsianSon has some really great advice for you. SET is a wonderful tool to communicate that we care while asserting our own point of view. Validation helps a lot to reduce the potential for emotional volatility. When the other person feels supported and that his feelings are valid and understood, s/he is more likely to be secure enough to hear what we have to say. SET certainly doesn't come with guarantees, but it really is an effective communication tool.

AsianSon is right that validating doesn't mean we agree, it just means we accept that the other person has feelings, too. I think it is good that your mother is willing to "agree to disagree." She clearly sees things differently than you do, and that is ok. You probably won't be able to convince her to see things your way. I agree with him that learning where your boundaries are and deciding how you want to take care of them may be one of the best ways to move forward.

This workshop might be helpful, too: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

[Fremont]

This morning she texted asking if I would feel that way if my sister was still alive and I told her I didn't know what she was getting at or why it mattered, and she replied that I "seem to be carrying a lot of guilt" over my sister's death which pretty much set me off.

It sounds like there is a boundary in there somewhere that needs to be taken care of. Can you find it?

The fact that I replied right away?

I was thinking more along the lines of: your mother said something that bothered you and "set you off." Feeling like that is a sign that a boundary has been violated somewhere, and it's up to you to say, "I'm not going to talk about that." What is the topic you do not want your mother to bring up?

Ah, gotcha.

What can you do the next time you feel yourself losing patience?

Ahhhhh... .  I don't even know!  The easy reply is to put down my phone but that angers me because it's my phone and I don't want to have to remove myself from it (which includes access to messaging other people, email, etc) just because of HER.

Does ending a conversation with your mother really mean you cannot message someone else or check your email? Is it all or nothing?

What is wrong with saying, "Mom, I'm sorry but I need to go now. I will call you back in [X amount of time]?"

It's just that if I don't walk away from the phone and she keeps texting, I keep getting the pop ups with snippets of her text and it's hard for me to truly ignore it.  I really do just have to leave the phone to remove myself from the aggravation.