take care of myself and happy

[LA4610]

i told my therapist yesterday ," you know, i am just happy right now." i don't think i have said that in a while. since i went NC and blocked my ex from everything i have had this sense of relief and security. the drama is gone form my life and it feels so so good. also, i love this new approach to life that i have where i take care of myself and focus on what is important to me.

i still struggle with a few things. one being that i know my ex is still out there. she is going to wreak havoc on some poor soul's life and that really really bothers me. another thing is my lack of sex drive or even attraction to females. it makes me feel like less of a man at times.

[Cimbaruns]

La4610

I'm happy for you that you are in this place. Sounds like you have seized " the moment" and being free of all of the drama must be so wonderful!

Taking care of yourself should be a priority for sure.

Isn't it amazing that being out from under all that crazy making makes you feel so alive!

I wish you the best with continuing on your way to peace and security!

[Tausk]

i told my therapist yesterday ," you know, i am just happy right now." i don't think i have said that in a while. since i went NC and blocked my ex from everything i have had this sense of relief and security. the drama is gone form my life and it feels so so good. also, i love this new approach to life that i have where i take care of myself and focus on what is important to me.

i still struggle with a few things. one being that i know my ex is still out there. she is going to wreak havoc on some poor soul's life and that really really bothers me. another thing is my lack of sex drive or even attraction to females. it makes me feel like less of a man at times.

So cool. Congrats. Recovery is possible, and I'm so happy for you.  As a warning, everything changes and even the happy days pass into more difficult days.  So I try to remember the easier days when they are happening as a reminder to myself, when things get difficult, I was happy at times, and will be happy again.

Our days change and get better.  We are rewarded for our work.  When I was in my interaction with my ex wBPD, nothing ever changed, except that it got worse and worse and worse.  No matter what I did.  And I began to learn that this crap is how it is, it is how it has always been, and this crap is how it will always be.

But that's simply not true today.  I benefit from my work.  I am strengthened from my support to others and as they support me.  None of those things were true with the interaction with my ex.   All my efforts just went down garbage disposal of the the Disorder. 

Keep at it.  It takes time, it's cyclical, but good days are evidence that recovery is possible and it gives us tangible experience upon which to believe in hope and faith that we will continue to recover.

Thanks for sharing.

T

[goingtostopthis]

Oh no,  being away from that is making you more of a man then you've ever been.   Sometimes the real truth of things doesnt all ways connect with us right away, still doesnt mean it isnt there and happening.  I made a decision about my happiness too.   I believe there is a higher power in things and its been interesting how when being around my ex he had this way of devalidating the spark in me. certian things have power and magic for me in my life, I guess you could call it my faith and all my past testimonies of things of good things that have happened for me for no apparent reason, out of the blue, out of the sky.  He tried to kill all that.  Not intentionally I dont think,  it was all ready dead inside him when we started.  A kind of thud, wet rain storm on life idealology.   The things that sparked my eyes and got me excited,  he wouldnt really share with me. Hed never engage himself in my world in this way.  He wasnt interested in my optimism in life so to speak and yes through time I started to feel dragged down.

                      I know Im recoverying. I think Im jumping back rather quickly. This is what I want and I think my ability to do this faster is because Ive been through relationships like this before.  Im a veteran to this, much more then I want to admit.   Im sick of this kind of relational nonsense. There are certain sides of myself Ive repressed during this relationship that Im un repressing now.          And that is that I have missed not being able to experience the full significance of something magical and spiritual happening to me with out it being brushed under the rug or ignored as being less important.  When these things for me are very important and become building blocks or stepping stones to higher advancements to the quality of my life.   Which naturally ties into my happiness and over all well being as a person.     This is strange,  but despite how sad Ive been, I think the crying has stopped for now,   Im a much gentler person. Im nicer.   I dont get half as irritated by things as  used to when I was involved with him.  He was stressing me out and I was pretty much in denial about it. I have more time now to myself to relax.    It hasnt been easy but Im working it through.  I still get depressed, feel empty, stare at his stupid facebook page which I unfriended myself from not knowing once its done its done, you cant undo it.  Of course I wanted to see what he was doing. I knew it would only make me sick. It would kind of been like a facination to a macob movie  ,something to do to get me all mad about his hypocrisy. Its like my higher self knew I didnt need this so it pushed the button while I was looking the other way.  Hey!  too late!  

                      Its all just as well.  The more I learn about BPD the more Im able to sit back and breath a bit and know that this hasnt nothing to do with me .  This splitting thing has no revelance what so ever as to the kind of person I am and I know what kind of person I am.  I guess you could say I allowed him to stuff me in the closet and so Ive been busy being right here for myself, getting myself out of there, dirty socks on my head and all,  brushing me off and apologizing profusely for allowing this to happen.  Its going to be ok.   None of this is real what he said about me.  I dont want to stop singing songs I like off the radio and enjoying the love and delight I get from watching little miracles, graces and half chances that happen around me ,  because they do when you look for them and when you dont, they are there.  I feel like a cool electrical current that has been interrupted  by a broom stick.  I could say with a witch on it,  but I wont.  

[LA4610]

thank you all for your posts 

[Surnia]

Good to hear, LA4610, I am happy for you.

also, i love this new approach to life that i have where i take care of myself and focus on what is important to me.

I think if you continue patiently with it and perhaps adding some workouts, or other physical activities, your sex drive will come back too.