uBPD mom indirectly breaks NC - how do I react?

[caughtnreleased]

So uBPD mom and I have been NC for two months since I stormed out at christmas telling her that I would not stick around if she couldn't be nice to me.  She since visited my siblings who live in the same town as me and never contacted me to see me.  We were NC for two months, and just a couple days ago, she has started including me on the emails she is sending to my siblings.  She is on vacation, and sending out updates about how wonderful everything is,  and has included me on these emails.  It's the first I've heard from her directly since we've been NC.  I'm not really sure how to react, because it is simply including me into the fold of hearing about how she's having a great time in the sun, without having to actually really acknowledge me... . any thoughts on how I should take this?

[PrettyPlease]

It's the first I've heard from her directly since we've been NC.  I'm not really sure how to react, because it is simply including me into the fold of hearing about how she's having a great time in the sun, without having to actually really acknowledge me... . any thoughts on how I should take this?

My gawd how irritating.    

I'd take it that way, if it was the first time and you didn't know she had BPD. But assuming she does, IMO that becomes, sigh, a mitigating factor.  

In other words, she has a disorder and if you expect her to behave like a non-disordered person you'll be disappointed, and probably merely perpetuate the cycle.

I think the best (perhaps only reliable) thing to do is work on your own reactions and behavior. For example, I'm unclear on your decision about NC. Are you clear about it? Do you want it? Was the NC just accidental, or is it something you'll want to continue? If she's emailing you, it's not NC. You can block emails.

Another thing is to look at your presumptions about what she means. Do you know? (She could be malicious, she could be oblivious, she could be trying to tell you she forgives you). How will you know? Do you want to ask her? If not, can you live with not knowing? If you can't, do you have someone you can tell why not? (a T; this list).

It may seem I'm poking with a sharp stick here. My apologies, I don't mean to be abrasive. But you asked for 'any thoughts', and that's what came out.

And taking my rational hat off, I'd like to finish again with: gawd, how irritating! Really! Without even talking about what happened! The nerve!   

 

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate it.  I'm exactly looking for an outside perspective, because the NC was essentially caused by a confrontation a Christmas, and since then it's more like she's been giving me the silent treatment... . I don't want to be NC with her, this is just how she reacted to my standing up to her so yeah, I think you're right, I think I can probably read this as she "kind of" forgives me, and in doing so she acknowledges my existence by including me on her emails... .

I suppose I need to figure out what kind of relationship I want to have with her.  I do see her as disordered, and ever since I have seen her in that light, I don't take these things personally, and see all her "crazy" actions as simple validation that she is disordered.  Seeing her as a disordered person, has certainly helped me to distance myself from her actions, but being frozen out by the silent treatment had been starting to weigh on me. 

I initially saw her including me on emails as a step forward (and a relief that I'm not longer being given the silent treatment), and was wondering if I needed to somehow reciprocate, or acknowledge this "effort", however as I think about it, it's not much of a step forward.

I really was just looking for a second opinion on this, so really appreciate it

[GeekyGirl]

It might be that your mother is testing the waters and reaching out to you without reaching out, as you said. I agree with PrettyPlease that it's really best for you to concentrate on how you react to your mother's behavior, rather than try to change her behavior.

I suppose I need to figure out what kind of relationship I want to have with her.  I do see her as disordered, and ever since I have seen her in that light, I don't take these things personally, and see all her "crazy" actions as simple validation that she is disordered.  Seeing her as a disordered person, has certainly helped me to distance myself from her actions, but being frozen out by the silent treatment had been starting to weigh on me. 

That's a very important point. That kind of relationship you want to have with her will dictate how you move forward. Knowing that she sees the world very differently than you do, how close do you want to be with her? What kinds of behavior are you ok with, or feel you can handle, and what can you do when she says/does something that you're not ok with?

It can take some time to really figure all of this out. As far as the immediate question goes, how do you want to respond (if at all) to the e-mails?

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks geekygirl.  These are all great questions that I don't really have answers too although I have started giving myself options in the event that my mother starts treating me badly. When I go visit my parents in their town I no longer stay with them, meaning I can leave when I start to get picked on.  But other things, like the silent treatment, only to be broken by indirect self absorbed communication is really not something I'm a fan of.  I have experienced many difficulties  in the last year: dating and breaking up with my DBPD,, prolonged unemployment, getting burglarized, and most recently surgery. I have kept my mother out of every single one of these events because she makes it worse.   When I finally told her id gotten burglarized she asked whether I was sure they wouldn't come back to get me in the middle of the night.  Writing this all down now even makes me realize how little of a mother she is to me.  I don't want to shut her out of my life, although as I reread what I've written she really is not part of it.  What do I want out of the relationship with her? I don't really know.  What can one get out of a relationship with a UBPD mother?

[seeking balance]

My mom and your mom should have lunch - the can commiserate on their ungrateful daughters   

I don't post a lot on these boards, mainly because I am mostly at a place of Radical Acceptance in that my mom just is who she is, but your post hit home as I have had a few versions of this in my life.

When I go visit my parents in their town I no longer stay with them, meaning I can leave when I start to get picked on. 

Me too, boundaries to protect me means I stay a night, 2 max and then move along... . this is healthy.

But other things, like the silent treatment, only to be broken by indirect self absorbed communication is really not something I'm a fan of. 

yeah, I know.  My mom doesn't call then when I do says, "well, I have not heard from you in a while".  Or the worst is FB.  What I have done to deal with it is this - accept it is who she is and honest to God realize it is soo not about me.  It really is not about us whatsoever... . this is who they are.

I have experienced many difficulties  in the last year: dating and breaking up with my DBPD,, prolonged unemployment, getting burglarized, and most recently surgery. I have kept my mother out of every single one of these events because she makes it worse.   

You have had a rough year and accepting she doesn't  help is wise.    I don't tell my mom anything personal especially when I am struggling.  Our conversations are about Dancing With the Stars, American Idol and football... . and I enjoy them, keeps it light.

When I finally told her id gotten burglarized she asked whether I was sure they wouldn't come back to get me in the middle of the night.  Writing this all down now even makes me realize how little of a mother she is to me.  I don't want to shut her out of my life, although as I reread what I've written she really is not part of it.  What do I want out of the relationship with her? I don't really know.  What can one get out of a relationship with a UBPD mother?

Great question!

Here is my answer.

She is my mom - at this age, she is who she is and it is not going to change.  Some things sucked that she did/does, but some things have supported me.  I do have a college education that I didn't really have to pay much for - not the college I wanted, she controlled that - but seeing how many people have student loans... . I am grateful.

My faith - my mom gave me a solid foundation to which I am grateful for as well.

For me, the superficial stuff is just fine because I would rather have her in my life than not.  When I am stressed, I don't talk to her really, it takes me being fully present to enjoy the moment.

I also did A LOT of grieving in T... . this is not the ideal family or mother, so I had to process that.  But the truth is, it is not the worst either.

You have a lot of big stuff on your plate right now - my guess is you do have support that is not your mom and family, right?

So, regarding the emails now - radical acceptance - it is what it is - no need to have some big conversation that won't change anything really, right?

Best,

SB

[caughtnreleased]

Seeking balance,  Yes... . all these difficulties have actually forced me to ask for and actually accept help from others, something I was really not used to doing.  I am lucky in that I had some close friends who helped me through many of these ordeals.   

Thanks for sharing your experience with your mom.  It helps to see how others who are perhaps a little further along than I am have dealt with this.  I guess there is still a part of me that is actually shocked at how oblivious she is to other people's reality, and remains completely and totally self absorbed without even stopping to question whether she might have a problem.

In fact, she has made many efforts over the years to convince everyone, that I was the problem, the crazy, weird one, and that she was my victim.  She has managed to convince some people but I guess I just need to let that go.   For a while, I suppose even I bought it.  But as I've recently created distance with her and started t, I see her in a more objective light and understand where the real problem is. 

I agree a big conversation will get me nowhere... . I guess I'll just answer her vacation bragging emails in my own time.  (she probably sees them as a HUGE effort on her part to reach out to me).

I suppose I've reached acceptance... . still need to get to the radical part though   

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance,  Yes... . all these difficulties have actually forced me to ask for and actually accept help from others, something I was really not used to doing.  I am lucky in that I had some close friends who helped me through many of these ordeals.   

As adults, we really can create our own new "healthier" family environment... . doesn't take away our past pain, but it does give us some hope for our future.

I guess there is still a part of me that is actually shocked at how oblivious she is to other people's reality, and remains completely and totally self absorbed without even stopping to question whether she might have a problem.

I know that feeling well. 

I have a cousin who I am really close with and there are times that I hang up the phone with my mom and call her directly with the "I am not crazy, right"... . my mom lives in her own world - accepting that for what it is helps me.  Having people that know us both who can validate my world is really something I am grateful for.

In fact, she has made many efforts over the years to convince everyone, that I was the problem, the crazy, weird one, and that she was my victim.  She has managed to convince some people but I guess I just need to let that go.   

Letting go really does give you freedom - freedom to grieve it (it is sad, this is not the "mom" we wanted).

For a while, I suppose even I bought it.  But as I've recently created distance with her and started t, I see her in a more objective light and understand where the real problem is. 

The books "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality" and "Will I Ever be Enough" helped me a lot in validating my own feelings while healing and letting go of a false dream.  I honestly make a practice of gratitude too - so I can focus on the "good" in my life - it helps ... . so when we do have an easy conversation, it makes my gratitude list.

I agree a big conversation will get me nowhere... . I guess I'll just answer her vacation bragging emails in my own time.  (she probably sees them as a HUGE effort on her part to reach out to me).

You know, I sometimes get mad when my mom brags too - because I see the flaws - but it won't help either of us to point it out... . it just causes more problems.  I validate her when I get a chance without expecting the same in return.  She is not a source of my emotional comfort - but based on the disorder, I realize and accept that my validation is a source of her emotional comfort.  Fair - not really - but we all have different paths.

If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would feel like this and mean it - I wouldn't have believed it.  It has taken time to process and heal that part of me.

I suppose I've reached acceptance... . still need to get to the radical part though   

It's a daily practice not an event   

You are on the right path - learning boundaries, working with your feelings, not making problems worse -this is all really good stuff - I hope you see this in you.

Peace,

SB