Recovery Over-Drive

[bb12]

So as I pass 2 years NC, I have come to accept everything as it is... . as it was. And I am surprised to find that my overwhelming emotion is: regret.

Not that I couldn't save the relationship.

Not that I couldn't make it work.

Not that the love of my life has gone and I am devastated.

For I have no interest in those things and they are not my truth any more. The regret I have is that I could not let all of this go and move on more quickly.

Those first few months after being dropped on my head and crawling through the slime of the covert abuse that is the silent treatment, I was in agony. My body was sensitised, addicted. I was in enormous pain, a lump in my throat, a weight in my chest. I begged for contact but received none. I screamed for closure and an explanation, but received none.

I now know that my exBPD's silence was not a hard thing for him to maintain. He wasn't in pain and struggling to keep his distance from the love of his life. He was in fact relieved that I was out of the way. He was free to focus on my replacement and quietly buzzing off the supply I was providing in spades with each emotional text and voicemail.

Knowing this with so much certainty now, I realise that the last two years were a waste of sorts as the agony was all mine... . of my own creation. My own negative self-beliefs allowed him to hurt me. To confirm all of my worst fears about being unworthy and unloveable.

As grateful as I am for this lesson and for the new me that emerged from the ashes of borderline abuse, I still wish I could have gotten to this stage earlier... . a year ago... . 18 months ago... . 20 months ago. But to let it affect me for a full 1.5 - 2 years stings. Everything in its own time I suppose, but I resolve never to let anyone or anything affect me like that again. I will not wallow like that again. I am fairly certain I can't do that again... . that I have been reprogammed.

His abuse shone alight on the parts of me that needed healing. I was in pain for my broken neglected inner child and not for him at all. Now that I have fixed that inner child and am the source of my own love and support, I am fairly certain nothing can decimate me like that again.

On that level 2 years is not too big a price. But still, I regret not trusting myself earlier, faster... . and all the wonderful advice I received on this forum.

So, my advice to anyone else 6, 12, 18, 24 months out is this: pretend you are 10 years out and never heard from them in all that time. You have found a new, sane, sorted, mature love and are deliriously happy. Any further ruminating over the heart-break; any more kicking the corpse of your BPD relationshp... . is time spent away from the pursuit of that dream.

Let it all go as fast as you can. Recovery over-drive

I got there finally a few months back and feel invincible. Hope you can too.

BB12

[myself]

Thank you. That's deep. Separating feelings from facts. How could it have been this when it was that? Who were we really and who can we become? Let go of what? It's gone. I cried reading this. Like a light on the trail. Right now it's over. Right now it begins.

[Tolou]

BB12-

That was an insightful post-Maybe you just needed the two years, everyone gets to where their suppose to be in their own time, sometimes we just take a different path and it takes us a lttle longer... . Good 4 u!

[LettingGo14]

BB12,

I love your post. Thank you for sharing.  I am now doing the inner child healing work and wanted to know if you have any tips and advice or reading.

I have a Buddhist quote taped to my mirror that says, "nothing ever leaves you until it teaches you what you need to know."   

I hope you can let go of the regret now.  Your time and suffering led you to freedom.

I am following your lead.

[bb12]

Hey LettingGo14

Loved your Buddhist quote. I really believe that.

I love this one too:

What We Protect Ourselves from is What We Create - Marianne Williamson

I believe fear is one of the most magnetic energies around. What we fear is what keeps appearing. Learning to detach and come from a place of self-love diminishes fear and causes less of the things we're scared of to happen.

In relation to inner child work, it was actually Susan Anderson's "Taming your OUTER child" that helped most in this regard. I noticed some self-sabotaging behaviours and really needed to look at them. This reading and journey led me to root cause and inner child work. I had a lot of resentment built up for the amount of giving I did vs. the about of getting I got. Didn't realise it at the time, but any abandonment I felt when a r/ship ended etc. came with a lot of "... . after everything I did for you". Basically, I kept DOING things to receive love instead of just BEING. I believed that I would not be abandoned or mistreated if I gave and gave and gave. But it doesn't work like that.

The other thing that helped me was Schema Therapy and Dr. Young's work in that field. My two biggest schemas were Other Directedness (whereby I made all relationships about the other person and get my sense of self only from the approval of others) and Social Isolation where I felt removed from society and not really a part of anything.

How people treat you will be their karma. How we react will be ours.

Learning to react appropriately is an ongoing lesson for me. But knowing where associated emotions stem from (inner child) helps a lot. I don't react in the heat of the moment and can analyse things more clearly.

As does matching 'give levels'. I just don't hang with people who don't give back. That concept of reciprocity was foreign to me... . that I should be getting something too. Now it is mandatory... . that things are not so one-sided as to deplete me.

I am letting go of the regret and feel amazing. Just interesting to observe this week that this is the residual emotion: anger at myself for not letting go faster. Nothing can be gained from letting go slowly. It is full of weird things... . like hope of closure, disbelief at the truth etc. Getting to complete acceptance is the key.

All the best

Bb12

[Cimbaruns]

Amazing post. Bb12

I re read it more than a few times... .

It is a personal journey for each one of us... .

Our choosing how quickly we let go... . or how much and how fast we move ahead is all a matter of how much we open our hearts and minds to who we really are...

I for one am discovering everyday just what this 4 year lesson taught me... . and how much it opened my eyes to all the hidden fears I had been holding on too... . and most of all ... . the person inside that I may have refused to recognize... .

Good of you that you are in that freeing place... .

I am working toward that place myself... .

Thanks for the insight and Peace to you in your journey...

[LettingGo14]

Hey LettingGo14

Loved your Buddhist quote. I really believe that.

I love this one too:

What We Protect Ourselves from is What We Create - Marianne Williamson

I believe fear is one of the most magnetic energies around. What we fear is what keeps appearing. Learning to detach and come from a place of self-love diminishes fear and causes less of the things we're scared of to happen.

In relation to inner child work, it was actually Susan Anderson's "Taming your OUTER child" that helped most in this regard. I noticed some self-sabotaging behaviours and really needed to look at them. This reading and journey led me to root cause and inner child work. I had a lot of resentment built up for the amount of giving I did vs. the about of getting I got. Didn't realise it at the time, but any abandonment I felt when a r/ship ended etc. came with a lot of "... . after everything I did for you". Basically, I kept DOING things to receive love instead of just BEING. I believed that I would not be abandoned or mistreated if I gave and gave and gave. But it doesn't work like that.

The other thing that helped me was Schema Therapy and Dr. Young's work in that field. My two biggest schemas were Other Directedness (whereby I made all relationships about the other person and get my sense of self only from the approval of others) and Social Isolation where I felt removed from society and not really a part of anything.

How people treat you will be their karma. How we react will be ours.

Learning to react appropriately is an ongoing lesson for me. But knowing where associated emotions stem from (inner child) helps a lot. I don't react in the heat of the moment and can analyse things more clearly.

As does matching 'give levels'. I just don't hang with people who don't give back. That concept of reciprocity was foreign to me... . that I should be getting something too. Now it is mandatory... . that things are not so one-sided as to deplete me.

I am letting go of the regret and feel amazing. Just interesting to observe this week that this is the residual emotion: anger at myself for not letting go faster. Nothing can be gained from letting go slowly. It is full of weird things... . like hope of closure, disbelief at the truth etc. Getting to complete acceptance is the key.

All the best

Bb12

Such great insight.  Thanks for the quotes and recommendations.  I'm going to tape your quote to my mirror too, "Nothing can be gained by letting go slowly... . " 

My mantra, now that I have closure on the relationship, is let go, let go, let go.  And, now onto the hard work of how I participated, why I participated.   Like you, I want find solid inner ground before my next relationship. 

Thanks for sharing.

[RecycledNoMore]

Bb, Im sad you feel this way, the length of time is ultimately irrelevant, try not to dwell on how long,try to focus on how much... .

How much youve grown as a person

How much youve changed since your rs ended

How much youve helped people here BPD family, me included

This is no small feat bb.

It took courage, determination,compassion and love to get to the point you are at now.

Its a lifelong journey,there will be changes,setbacks growth,realisations,incite... .

This is just the beggining bb

[Healing4Ever]

Thank-you bb12.  Your post resonated with me.  I am 11 months post-breakup, and I am finding myself angry and full of regret that I waited so long to leave.  Accepted soo much abuse.  What on earth was I thinking?  Well,  my journals show me what I was thinking - hoping that things would change, that he would understand, that he would see that I was loving him, that he would finally understand my reasonable requests for consideration, that he would love me back, that he would stop taking things personally that had nothing to do with him, that he would heal, that we would be happy.  The fear of being alone.  Uggghhhh.  I'm still processing the anger and regret.  I look forward to moving beyond this because I don't want to get stuck here!  I like your picture of finding true love... . I trust that if I stay with this process I will eventually find a r/s that will be mutual, respectful, fun, satisfying, and supportive for both of us.

H4E