Too good, too easy?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I believe BPD and my relationship with it will continue to baffle me the rest of my life. I think I am past the pondering of the events that were my life and another will come to mind. Even now, after three years out.

Three years ago I thought life was finally becoming easy for me and my xBPDh. Our children were grown and independent and that stress was lifted. He had left a demanding and stressful job and was winding down to retirement. We had built a comfortable home on the water. There were few demands placed on him. Life was good and life was easy.

At my insistence he had taken a part time sales job. I thought he needed to get out and have something to interest him and fill his time. He had no hobbies or friends. Then came the firing, for theft. Why? For what purpose? Initially I thought because it was like a game for him. He would have enjoyed the manipulation and the casting doubt on others when the money went missing. He would have enjoyed playing the innocent and helping find the guilty and punish their misdeed. But now I wonder was it to create excitement? Was he just bored once the quietude of an aging life had settled in? Or was it that things were just too good for him? That he felt undeserving of what had been given and needed to have it taken away? Or was it part of some or all of the above or none of the above? What a convoluted thought process it is.  Is this a common pattern, creating disarray when all is well?

[Cumulus]

I believe BPD and my relationship with it will continue to baffle me the rest of my life. I think I am past the pondering of the events that were my life and another will come to mind. Even now, after three years out.

Three years ago I thought life was finally becoming easy for me and my xBPDh. Our children were grown and independent and that stress was lifted. He had left a demanding and stressful job and was winding down to retirement. We had built a comfortable home on the water. There were few demands placed on him. Life was good and life was easy.

At my insistence he had taken a part time sales job. I thought he needed to get out and have something to interest him and fill his time. He had no hobbies or friends. Then came the firing, for theft. Why? For what purpose? Initially I thought because it was like a game for him. He would have enjoyed the manipulation and the casting doubt on others when the money went missing. He would have enjoyed playing the innocent and helping find the guilty and punish their misdeed. But now I wonder was it to create excitement? Was he just bored once the quietude of an aging life had settled in? Or was it that things were just too good for him? That he felt undeserving of what had been given and needed to have it taken away? Or was it part of some or all of the above or none of the above? What a convoluted thought process it is.  Is this a common pattern, creating disarray when all is well?

[Popcorn71]

I can identify with what you say.

My exBPDh created havoc and wrecked our marriage when it was the most stable and stress free time in our relationship.

We had various problems and he worked long hours during the first few years we were together.  He used to say how much he was looking forward to us being able to spend more time together and that he wanted to take life easy and at a slower pace.

Then just when that quiet, stress free life was coming together, he really went off the rails!  He became violent, to my son and mentally abusive to my daughter and myself.  Then he went off with another woman.

It was hell for me at first, but now I can see that he has lost far more than I have.  He has totally wrecked his life and will never have the financially secure, quiet life that he said he wanted.  He has put himself into a position where he has to work for many more years in a job he claimed to hate when he would have been retiring in 2 years time.  He is living in a much less comfortable home and he has lost many of his friends and much of his social life.

Why did he do this to himself?  I agree with your thoughts that they do this because they are trying to create excitement when their life becomes stable and boring.  I also believe that for some reason, they want to mess things up, maybe because they don't think they deserve it.  (My ex often asked 'What did I do to deserve you?'.

[Turkish]

At my insistence he had taken a part time sales job. I thought he needed to get out and have something to interest him and fill his time.

It sounds like it was something he really didn't want to do. Not wanting to disappoint you by saying "no way," (his lack of strong boundaries, perhaps) he sabotaged it in a childish manner to return to the safe haven of home. Quitting would have been failure by obvious choice, so he sabotaged it to permanently burn that bridge. It could be that he felt banished (abandoned) to the job, when all he wanted to do was stay home and be a hermit, right or wrong.

[Cumulus]

Hi popcorn, yes my x also frequently voiced that he didn't feel like he deserved me. I should have listened more carefully!

Hi there Turkish. Yes you picked up the part where he was working at my insistence. One more area of the marriage that I controlled. And yes he did want to be a hermit. He had two other menial jobs before this one, had quit both of them but this one seemed to be working for him.

So then I guess the question becomes how controlling was I? And was I controlling by choice? As I thought of him as a child, I controlled most of the decisions that went on. If he wanted something I usually gave in. For example this early retirement and a move to the other side of the country. His idea, his desire but me thinking it would be good for him made it happen. When we got here I resumed my career but at a much lower level than I had previously worked at. I would come home at the end of the day to supper made, a glass of wine on the table and he, saying he had all ready eaten, serving me like I was at a restaurant. When I would ask how was your day there was nothing brought up. No interests. I was the only thing on his schedule and I felt smothered. He was only 50 and my boundary is my partner needs to work. I don't care if it's a menial job, I don't care if you want to start up your own company, I don't care of its part time, I don't even care if it's paid work but if you live with me you need to work or be actively looking for work. And as I write this I am coming to see that was the resentment and anger he was building up. He didn't want to work but knew that was one of my few expectations. Muddle on

[GreenMango]

People with BPD can have a low threshold for boredom, be impulsive and tend to self sabotage (self destructive). He could of liked the game of it ... . that's pretty antisocial.

Sometimes these things are ever going to hav a legitimate answer that is like ah-ha.  Sometimes it's the nature of a disorder.


What did you say when he got fired?

[Cumulus]

Hi green mango, nice to see your little creature pop up. It has been about a year now since you warmly welcomed me to these boards. 

It has been a good year, hope yours has been as well.

What did I say when he got fired? Typical enabling remarks. He worked about 15-20 years in an executive position, good salary, benefits, expense account and bonuses. Came home one day and said I quit my job. "Everyone was going to end up getting laid off and I didn't want to be around to watch the death throes". He decided to retire early, VERY early and move to our retirement property. In order to make it I would continue working. Previously he had gambled away our life savings. I said ok dear, we can do it.

After watching him do nothing for about a year and a half at the new location I insisted he do some kind of work, whatever that was up to him. He took one menial job after another. Probably about five in that many years. In typical BPD behaviour each would start out great. They appreciated him and he was turning their business around. After several months the complaints would begin. The boss didn't know what he was doing, the boss had no idea where his money was going or how easy it would be for an unscrupulous person to steal from them, the other employees didn't pull their share of the work, the schedule was poorly made out and unfair. I would say leave it there. It's a part time job, go in and enjoy talking with other people. I didn't know. When he came home and told me he was fired for theft something shifted. This was different. Previously his behaviour affected only me and it was private. But this was public. We were in a small town, everybody would know, it would be in the paper. And it affected not only myself and tainted our family but affected the people he stole from as well. That was when I said enough, get your things and get out. His response, "Aren't we going to get through this together?"

It scares me now to think that the rest of my life might have been the way all those other years were. Grey. Devoid of emotion because all emotion caused pain. Love caused pain, anger, joy, happiness, sadness, grief, everything ended up in pain. So I greyed the emotions and diminished the feeling. And then when I told him to leave I fell into that dark hole of pain. There it was, what I had been avoiding for so many years, and I was ok with it. It was ok, I was finally feeling the pain and it felt good just to feel again. And as I struggled to find my new life I began to realize how rich it is on this side. The freedom to feel, to be myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this a common pattern, creating disarray when all is well?

My ex lived in perpetual chaos of her own making, for no apparent reason usually, although it became clear after a while that she was just trying to make the outside look like the inside felt.

[HealingForMe]

I agree that it was sabotage. I dont think I will ever understand why a pwBPD will sabotage something good. Perhaps as GreenMango said, its a low threshhold for boredom... . they need the excitement & drama.

I hope you have found some peace since then

[mywifecrazy]

My exBPDh created havoc and wrecked our marriage when it was the most stable and stress free time in our relationship.

It was hell for me at first, but now I can see that he has lost far more than I have.  He has totally wrecked his life and will never have the financially secure, quiet life that he said he wanted.  He has put himself into a position where he has to work for many more years in a job he claimed to hate when he would have been retiring in 2 years time.  He is living in a much less comfortable home and he has lost many of his friends and much of his social life.

I also believe that for some reason, they want to mess things up, maybe because they don't think they deserve it.  (My ex often asked 'What did I do to deserve you?'.

Wow!

This is what baffles me about my uBPDxw. We were looking good coming down the home stretch. Lots of equity in the house (3 yrs left on mortgage), would have discretionary funds available to help kids (14&9) with future college ambitions and a reasonable chance at a comfortable retirement. IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE SHE THREW IT ALL AWAY!

She, like your X has now condemned herself to an uncertain financial future as she has no social security benefits (she's 43 & has worked part time under the table for years), She is quickly burning through the settlement $ she got and has no realistic plans for the future. The only plan it seams is her new VICTIM R/S!

She has also alienated her family, my family, friends, etc, etc. she has isolated herself from everyone except her new R/S. It's truly sad to see their self destructive behavior! I'm just glad that I came out of the FOG before Me and my sons were part of the collateral damage and destroyed in the process.

[love4meNOTu]

Wow!

This is what baffles me about my uBPDxw. We were looking good coming down the home stretch. Lots of equity in the house (3 yrs left on mortgage), would have discretionary funds available to help kids (14&9) with future college ambitions and a reasonable chance at a comfortable retirement. IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE SHE THREW IT ALL AWAY!

She, like your X has now condemned herself to an uncertain financial future as she has no social security benefits (she's 43 & has worked part time under the table for years), She is quickly burning through the settlement $ she got and has no realistic plans for the future. The only plan it seams is her new VICTIM R/S!

She has also alienated her family, my family, friends, etc, etc. she has isolated herself from everyone except her new R/S. It's truly sad to see their self destructive behavior! I'm just glad that I came out of the FOG before Me and my sons were part of the collateral damage and destroyed in the process.

My ex husband is 45, and has zero equity, has not owned a home in a decade and has virtually nothing in retirement savings. However, he is very smart, can do really anything he sets his mind to so I think he is going to be ok.

Before I came out of the fog, I felt that I was responsible for him. But then I thought What the heck... . this man cared nothing for me, even threatened to try to take my home from me and my kids. He wanted to hurt me. A concept I just don't GET. I don't want to hurt people, never have. If someone hurt my kid that would be a different story, I become cave bear mama. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

We were finally getting to the point where our credit card and medical debt could be paid off. I was so looking forward to it. I'd worked long and hard to accomplish this and to get the best annual bonus I could.

Things were really looking up. And then... I watched him disintegrate before my eyes. I have never seen someone sabotage themselves like he did. It was truly painful and confusing to watch. Nothing could stop him, not me, not anyone who tried to talk to him... . he just melted down, became a stranger to me. Frightened me.

This is not a person you can depend on. This person was just a holy mess. I still hope that one day he will figure it out and realize that he causes most of his problems. Gotta let it go and give it to the man upstairs. Life is strange sometimes the way it works out, but I do believe that what happened is for the best, both for my ex and for me. It was not meant to be. BPD or no BPD.

I'm no victim. I made choices that led me into this marriage and led me out again.

L