Feeling sorry/guilty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I have made up my mind about leaving my uBPDw.  She comes from a family of BPD and I just can't take it anymore being around them.

I have pangs of guilt hitting me all sides on my decision. I know I love her and hate her disorder.

My guilt has to do with having her go back to her family which includes a uBPDMiL and uBPDSiL.  All three of them just feed on each other. There will be no healing with that and the suffering will be a great deal.  They will have no idea what the error of their ways are and won't care.

She has times of greatness, but I don't know if I am strong enough to weather the storm full time.

My FiL fits the role of the Hunter saving the Hermit MiL.  And the SiL is just plain out there as well.  Even if she gets better with me, she still has to cope with her mom and sister.  She has no other friends around her at all.  I can't have her cut all her family ties, can I? Not even like she would think about it.

Last night we started talking about what is going on between us without me leading on about any decisions to leave. And she picked up on it so quick, saying that I put up a wall and she won't talk to me until this wall goes down.  We haven't had any contact in bed or romantically in about three weeks, last night again she decides to attempt at something.  I told her to stop when she started to caress my face and then all hell broke loose. I said that I just wanted to enjoy her head on my shoulder for a little bit longer and she didn't understand why I wanted her to stop when she got to my face. 

Long story short, she says that she will be out of the condo by Thursday her day off from work.  Sounds easy right?

She is already divorced once and know what will happen once she returns to that house.  My FiL works his ass off six days a week.  I see the signs that he has given up in his eyes.  He hasn't slept in over a year since his best friend/bromance passed away from cancer.  The Hermit MiL is so out there and feeds off her two children that is sometimes sickens me in their interactions. 

She has always had the fear of abandonment, of which I have repeatedly told her I wouldn't abandon her.  Now here I am with her suspicions coming to fruition.  I am abandoning her.  Such a vicious cycle.  I want to "save" her when she doesn't want to be saved, or does she?

[bajaloverz]

So I have made up my mind about leaving my uBPDw.  She comes from a family of BPD and I just can't take it anymore being around them.

I have pangs of guilt hitting me all sides on my decision. I know I love her and hate her disorder.

My guilt has to do with having her go back to her family which includes a uBPDMiL and uBPDSiL.  All three of them just feed on each other. There will be no healing with that and the suffering will be a great deal.  They will have no idea what the error of their ways are and won't care.

She has times of greatness, but I don't know if I am strong enough to weather the storm full time.

My FiL fits the role of the Hunter saving the Hermit MiL.  And the SiL is just plain out there as well.  Even if she gets better with me, she still has to cope with her mom and sister.  She has no other friends around her at all.  I can't have her cut all her family ties, can I? Not even like she would think about it.

Last night we started talking about what is going on between us without me leading on about any decisions to leave. And she picked up on it so quick, saying that I put up a wall and she won't talk to me until this wall goes down.  We haven't had any contact in bed or romantically in about three weeks, last night again she decides to attempt at something.  I told her to stop when she started to caress my face and then all hell broke loose. I said that I just wanted to enjoy her head on my shoulder for a little bit longer and she didn't understand why I wanted her to stop when she got to my face. 

Long story short, she says that she will be out of the condo by Thursday her day off from work.  Sounds easy right?

She is already divorced once and know what will happen once she returns to that house.  My FiL works his ass off six days a week.  I see the signs that he has given up in his eyes.  He hasn't slept in over a year since his best friend/bromance passed away from cancer.  The Hermit MiL is so out there and feeds off her two children that is sometimes sickens me in their interactions. 

She has always had the fear of abandonment, of which I have repeatedly told her I wouldn't abandon her.  Now here I am with her suspicions coming to fruition.  I am abandoning her.  Such a vicious cycle.  I want to "save" her when she doesn't want to be saved, or does she?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey bajaloverz, sorry to see you're feeling so guilty. The guilt trap is so easy to fall in especially when you list off all the awful family relationships she seems to have. Do you feel like it's in your power to "fix" her or make her happy? If so, why do you feel like it hasn't happened yet?

Have you read this article: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder? If you take a look at the beginning of the article and the beliefs that a borderline person has, a lot of them are contradictory. It's almost like they are programmed to "fail".

Seeing how your FiL is today, are you afraid that you'll end up being like him if you stay with your uBPDw?

[heartandwhole]

Hi bajaloverz,

It is so understandable that you feel conflicted about leaving your gf to go back to an unhealthy situation.  It just shows that you care about her and are a compassionate person, which is wonderful.

Your gf does have choices, however.  She is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for her life.  I know that sometimes denial is so deep, that we think someone will never get out, and it's very sad.  Unfortunately, you cannot "make her see" what she is not ready to see, and destroying yourself in the process does nothing for her.  I know it's heart-wrenching.  I felt that way, too.

Keep writing and processing here.  We're listening.