Stuck on this rollercoaster...

[lauren50]

I'm so tired of feeling so bad all the time. Just now before uBPDh left for work, he threw I CD I made for him (love-y dove-y songs) out his car window and hit my car with it. The reason? Because as he was leaving, I tried to give him a hug and/or kiss but he refused me. I asked if this is how it was going to be forever. He said "I guess" because we have kids (I'm preg. with our 2nd) (this "excuse" for staying gets rotated with "I'm leaving; I can't live like this anymore" and "I love you, I can't leave you". I asked if this is what he wanted our kids to see as an example of marriage and I should have known but he said, "do you want them to see the way you let guys talk to be an example of anything?" He is referring to what a guy wrote in my high school yearbook saying I had big boobs. Because I "let" guys talk to me like that, here, over ten years later, I'm a bad example of what a woman should be. I ended up throwing said yearbook away because even scratching out the comment wasn't good enough (nothing ever is).

I want to leave so bad but I can't. The idea of having this baby and then having to hand it over to someone else to care for while I work a minimum wage job makes me sick. I guess I'd rather be treated like dog hit on the bottom of his shoe than give up raising my own babies. I hate this feeling

[froggy]

Lauren50

I have been oh so there... my H got soo much worse with the second child.

I was in the same boat 24 years ago and stayed... . not sure it was the right decision. .he did a lot of damage to our children over the years and looking back I did raise them on my own... I did everything but have to go to work.

I'm not telling you to leave that's your decision to make. Set your boundries as to what you will put up with if your going to stay. I didn't know about BPD till a few years ago so you have an advantage I didn't have.

Just don't leave the decision too long... . it gets so much harder the longer your in... you give everything to your kids because you have to compensate for a disordered mate... . make sure you don't lose yourself and get lots of support.

Big ((hugs))

Froggy