Leaving very soon, filling D papers, how to go forward

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After today and watching my wife loose all control and break down because i was upset and told her that I'm not OK with her affair partner giving my daughter a quick shower because my daughter pottied in her pants.

She said that if i cant just accept her other man as part of the family and that he will be "doing things like that" then we should just get a divorce or separate" .  I told her that i cant accept that and its not OK so we should get a divorce.  I have tried leaving a couple times and she has threatened divorce many times.

She went upstairs to bathroom. While in bathroom I let her cry for a while and went to check to make sure she was not cutting herself because of past cutting and suicide attempt once before. She was hitting herself in head and i caught her twice hitting her stomach. She would continue with "you dont care", "you dont want this" lots of things that showed me how hurt and lost she is. I had no good words to say or any way to comfort her other than a hug and telling her "im sorry you feel that way" i kept my calm 99% of the time and if she started to yell or get angry with things i said i would walk away and tell her things like "i cant do this fighting", "we need to stop things are getting angry and you are yelling", "i need to go check on our daughter" (she was watching tv with our roommate downstairs) Every time i would "walk away" she would get more angry because i cant take the truth or fix anything. Also she says i cant fix anything because i will change subject or try and tell her we have prioritys we need to get up and go do them before i go to work in attempts to distract her from the extreme emotional state and atleast get her up and going.

Sum it up i can no longer take things like this and i cant do her still seeing and haveing a relationship with OM. I cant help her and unless i give in and "hug/Comfort her" when im upset about things like stated above i am not not caring, an a$$, over bad person because i make her go to this extreme and wont help to stop her.

I feel i have no choice but to leave and can get no support to even get her help.

O i also told her if she did not stop hitting herself i would call 911 because she is hurting herself and baby. Also tried to get her to go to ER to have baby checked on but she would not go. She is only i think 8 weeks ish along, i dont keep track i dont care to much about it all but nomatter what the situation a baby is a baby and is helpless and i care about making sure baby is ok. She is also dealing with the pain of "sacraficing 2 babys to save us/show her want to fix our marriage" She had two abortions in past that were all from the OM, slight possiblity it was mine on second baby but i dont belive it.

Please where to start, readings, advice anything. I will search the article sections and forums but i needed to start this thread so i can have open convo about this so i can get input and help that i cant find anywhere else.

[jarhead_99]

After today and watching my wife loose all control and break down because i was upset and told her that I'm not OK with her affair partner giving my daughter a quick shower because my daughter pottied in her pants.

She said that if i cant just accept her other man as part of the family and that he will be "doing things like that" then we should just get a divorce or separate" .  I told her that i cant accept that and its not OK so we should get a divorce.  I have tried leaving a couple times and she has threatened divorce many times.

She went upstairs to bathroom. While in bathroom I let her cry for a while and went to check to make sure she was not cutting herself because of past cutting and suicide attempt once before. She was hitting herself in head and i caught her twice hitting her stomach. She would continue with "you dont care", "you dont want this" lots of things that showed me how hurt and lost she is. I had no good words to say or any way to comfort her other than a hug and telling her "im sorry you feel that way" i kept my calm 99% of the time and if she started to yell or get angry with things i said i would walk away and tell her things like "i cant do this fighting", "we need to stop things are getting angry and you are yelling", "i need to go check on our daughter" (she was watching tv with our roommate downstairs) Every time i would "walk away" she would get more angry because i cant take the truth or fix anything. Also she says i cant fix anything because i will change subject or try and tell her we have prioritys we need to get up and go do them before i go to work in attempts to distract her from the extreme emotional state and atleast get her up and going.

Sum it up i can no longer take things like this and i cant do her still seeing and haveing a relationship with OM. I cant help her and unless i give in and "hug/Comfort her" when im upset about things like stated above i am not not caring, an a$$, over bad person because i make her go to this extreme and wont help to stop her.

I feel i have no choice but to leave and can get no support to even get her help.

O i also told her if she did not stop hitting herself i would call 911 because she is hurting herself and baby. Also tried to get her to go to ER to have baby checked on but she would not go. She is only i think 8 weeks ish along, i dont keep track i dont care to much about it all but nomatter what the situation a baby is a baby and is helpless and i care about making sure baby is ok. She is also dealing with the pain of "sacraficing 2 babys to save us/show her want to fix our marriage" She had two abortions in past that were all from the OM, slight possiblity it was mine on second baby but i dont belive it.

Please where to start, readings, advice anything. I will search the article sections and forums but i needed to start this thread so i can have open convo about this so i can get input and help that i cant find anywhere else.

[Tausk]

Oh JH: I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion.  It must be terrible.  We on this board have gone through our own pain and confusion, so at least we understand some of what you are going through.

First be SAFE. Are you safe?  Are the children safe?  Is your W safe?  If you need to call the police to keep things safe do so.

And then read the board and figure out an exit plan, if you are leaving.

Are you leaving?  If so keep posting and reading and learning.  It could easily get very crazy around your W.  She's going to be afraid of being abandoned and it could get very bad.  Make sure everyone is safe and don't be afraid to call the police.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Do you have family or friends that can support you?  These are good places, even if you need to just drop your daughter off at a place away from the two of you.

And then decide what you want, and learn how to make plans that can execute those desires.

Write on the board your ideas and ask for suggestions and feedback.  Many of us have been in similar situations. 

You can do it as well.

[ForeverDad]

Many of us have been there, done that.  We wished we didn't have to face it but at some point we realized putting it off wasn't a fix.

Toward the end my then-spouse too would demand to "fix things now" well into the night.  But nothing got fixed, just more ranting, it was a demand when I was walking away.

Be very, very careful you don't do or say anything that could be twisted into claims of abuse, neglect or endangerment.  When the police are called, even by the men, it's generally the women who get the attention.  For that reason, knowing my ex could morph from demanding dictator into poor-me victim mode by the time the police arrived, in those final months I started recording - quietly, I didn't want to antagonize an already tense situation.  It was primarily for "insurance reasons": to help me convince the authorities I wasn't the one misbehaving or raging or attacking and maybe keep myself out of jail.

Beware, you may not think she would make false allegations about you, but it a different ballpark once 911 is called.  Your spouse is very likely to try to make you look worse than her.  Usually that's by making false allegations.  So the police may not know who to believe.  That's where your "insurance" might save your skin.  However, don't advertize it, once she knows she might be recorded then she may keep enough composure to try to frame you some other way.

Sadly, if she has chosen someone else for intimacy, then divorce is the only realistic option.  As the site name says, bpdfamily.com.  What more can I add?

About suicide threats, cutting and similar attempts.  You are not qualified to determine whether they are for real or done for manipulation.  Even if you yourself were a doctor we'd tell you to leave such evaluations to the uninvolved professionals such as emergency responders.  But be warned that between the time you call 911 and help arrives she will likely morph into seeming normalcy, perhaps even claiming you were the one acting badly.  That's why I recorded, so I'd have proof there was a reason and solid basis for my call.

Another consideration, as hard as it may be to face... . the fetus, perhaps even both children, might not be yours.  (If she's having affairs now, she might have wandered before.)  DNA testing to determine whether you're the parent is inexpensive.  You can't test a fetus now, do that later after the baby is born, but frankly you do need to test so you can make informed decisions that will affect the next two decades of your life.  If you turn out not to be the baby's father then the baby is their obligation, not yours.

Get Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's book, SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If you prefer digital copies, Amazon has that too.

[momtara]

Wow, you have a lot to deal with.  All of these behaviors are concerning and something you should use to try to make sure you get fair custody, IF you can prove them... . which means documenting and tape recording ASAP.  Otherwise it's just a claim.  Her behavior is pretty extreme, and you don't want to leavce without some proof.  You may even want to wait a bit in order to gather evidence of her saying some of these things.

[Skip]

jarhead_99,

You're emotional right now and it would help to cool off.  It's really essential that you cool off.

This is a very difficult situation - she seems to be moving toward polyandry.  This clearly something that you and your family are against.  And there is a little girl in the middle and a child with another man on the way.

As some have pointed out, you want to approach this in a reasonable way and try to not throw it into a high conflict custody battle. Family court is no place to carry your emotion.   At the same time, you want to quietly build a case to protect your rights should she kick into high conflict - which is a real possibility.

My sense from reading everything you posted is that you don't want to divorce - you want this to fix.  My advise is to not go down the divorce path until you are clear that you want that.  And definitely don't use it as a weapon in your fights with her.

I'd talk it over with your parents - they seem to be helpful and I'd go see an attorney to get an idea on what you need to do (and not do).  The pregnancy/paternity and child support is a issue .  And start the process of getting things in order.

And I might suggest that you have a sit down talk with your wife when things are calm and explore if she has any interest in resolving the affair.  Rather than beat her up about how wrong it is - meet in a more conciliatory way and listen to her and her needs.  And then tell her calmly what yours are.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, its really more about whether she wants to scrap the affair and get into therapy with you and recover your family.  She may not be willing to do that.  And I think you need to then act on that.

If she says yes - then you have a very different path.  I know you said you have done some things poorly -  its good that you see that and that you are willing to work on it.  You can only ask the same from her.  This will not fix overnight.  You will need help and family support.

At the same time, ending the affair can't be contingent on you better meeting her needs or proving yourself.  She has to agree to do that as art of you working together.  The fact that it has been going on so long and in the open is going to be hard for her and if she agrees, she will need support from all of you.  The pregnancy is a huge complicating factor.   As I suggested earlier, you may want to move together out of town to get away from the other man.

This is really a bad situation - really, really bad...  My heart goes out to you.

[jarhead_99]

I just skimmed your resp once as I'm at work but I will reread and respond tonight once I have a minute at work. Thank you

[catnap]

Have you considered filing for temporary sole custody of your daughter?  She really needs to be out of a home where she sees and hears mom doing "strange" things.  This is not to punish your wife, but to protect your daughter. 

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm