This is my personal opinion so take it for what it's worth, but I had known then what I know now about my dBPDgf when we had our first breakup at around 3 months, I would of gone through that brief heartbreak and moved on. That is easier said than done though, I know. I'm 4 years in to my r/s now and we are in an awkward state of triangulation at the moment and I'm swimming in a pool of co-dependency. That said, I will answer your questions using my personal experience:
- Why did she text me asking for me to give her some belongings, even though I was painted black and she evidently has no desire to ever retrieve them?
Could be that she really wants those things back and nothing more. More likely, she wants to keep the connection with you open as a backup plan.
- Once I am painted black, in your opinions, do you believe that she will ever paint me white again?
I've been painted black a couple of times, blocked on all forms of communication and hadn't heard from mine in a month (this last time) when she found a way to get a handwritten note to me asking how I was doing. That has led us to where we are now. She's broken up with my replacement but has him dangling along (she still talks to him) and we've seen each other every night for the past two weeks and it's been pure bliss (idolization) during this time. However I know the eventual will happen and she will recycle with my replacement and I will once again be crushed. But like a drug addiction, I know that the drug will eventually kill me but I can't help but getting a hit every chance that I get.
- Will she ever come back to me (right now I still want her back but I know that it's not for the best in the long-term).
See response above. She could but you would be her 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) choice. What has brought me back in to the idolization phase is my gathering knowledge about BPD. I have read three books on it and read every article here and on as many websites as I could find. I have spoken to my therapist about it as well. I validate her emotions and try to minimize the shame that she feels inside of her and it has caught her off-guard. She told me just last night that this change in MY behavior has made her the happiest that she's been in many, many years. That said, my replacement is sucked in to the fold and he's going through the first breakup of their r/s and so I know exactly what he's going through - the same thing that you are. The intense r/s and how you feel that she's your "soulmate" and that if you could only understand her better. Oh how I know what you're going through!
- It's her birthday next week. Should I text her wishing her a happy birthday? How will she take this? I do not expect a response.
During the recycle before the one that we are in now, we had a brief idolization period and I was so happy with the way things were going that I sent her flowers for her birthday. This despite her being fully involved with my replacement at the time. She didn't send a reply or thank you of any type because "we had agreed" that we shouldn't contact each other at the time so that she could sort through things first. I was so hurt by her lack of response that I sent an invalidating text and that led to me being painted black for 30 days (that prior to the recycle that we are in now). Sure, send a little "happy birthday" text. I've learned with my gf that long winded texts will go mostly unread as they don't have the attention span and if they sense a "downer" mood in the text, they will just stop reading it. So keep it brief and keep YOUR emotions out of it; they don't matter to her. Having been in only a 3 mos r/s with her, no doubt you haven't spent her birthday together yet so I was going to suggest that you bring HER emotions in to it by saying something like "remember last years birthday how we... . (good memory)". So, if you can relate another event that you know that she has happy memories of, that would help (I say "help", you're really hurting yourself in the long run, but take that for what it's worth). Again, brief "happy birthday <name>. I hope that today is as special as that time that we <happy event>". And that's it.
My advice - if you REALLY feel that you want to try and make things happen with this person, LEARN about BPD and then re-evaluate that decision. It is not easy. The intense idolization period is like heaven but the headache, heartache and constant drama and "walking on eggshells" will drive you absolutely bat-crazy.