Between a rock and a hard place.

[pipehitter]

So after my relatively short introduction yesterday due to the Inquisition being at home, I will now expand a bit.

Since english isn't my first language, so bear with me if my post seems a bit unstructured from time to time.

EXPOSITION

I met her roughly 2.5 years ago online through a mutual hobby (which is my profession.)

I came to the US quite frequently during the winter for training, so we didn't have a huge problem to meet in the first place and it wasn't that awkward as these meetings can be since we both had an out. What can I say... . it was perfect (or what a person with normal expectations would call perfect.)

So after having to leave for some work abroad (not in my home country) and spending christmas with my family in friends back home I came back to the US for another stay with her.

She was always genuinely very sad when I left (and so was I), so after my second longer stay in the US with her she brought up the possibility of moving to the US through a fiancé Visa.

We had tried to find an employer before she brought this up, but it is almost impossible to find an employer that would go through the hassle of this VISA nightmare. I never thought I would ever get married... . but she was perfect, we got along great. So I had to return home and we started the rather long process of getting the Visa ready.

It might be time to add some information about her.

She was always open about having had a somehow rough childhood (although coming from "good" family,) and having been married before for less than a year (husband has been very abusive, to the point threatening her with a gun one night.)

I know these stories are often exaggerated or used for leverage by people with BPD. But she never told me more than she had to in order for me to understand certain things. Also the situations and circumstances and the way she told me about it where genuine and "sane". I thought more along the lines of: "The way she deals with this is worth admiring. Good to know, it might explain some smaller quirks she has." It is definitely something that a handful of people know about her, nothing she is telling everybody like your typical drama queen.

She is extremely smart and well spoken. And can be extremely tough and pragmatic, which also helped her to get FAR in her job.

Back to the "story".

So I went back to Europe. She came visit me about a month later. Everything went fine, except some smaller disagreements here and there (but nothing I wouldn't expect in a relationship.)

After she left we knew it would be a good 7-8 months until I would be able to come back to the US. And we were acing this LDR before the first rough patch came my way. She was always a bit jealous after we first met in person, but it was within the realms of normality, you could almost say she was very trusting considering the circumstances. But this jealousy grew constantly and by late summer of 2013 we got to a point where she became kind of erratic. If I didn't answer a text I was in for some explaining. If I went out with friends and the next day I told her we ended up doing something different or there was the smallest inconsistency (like not having mobile reception in a certain bar once, but I had the last time I was there - due to sitting in the back vs the front - but try to explain this one... . )

This is when I first started questioning it. But I chalked it up to us being in a very particular and difficult situation (thousands of miles apart, the stress of the Visa not being guaranteed after all, etc.)

ACT ONE: LET THE PAIN BEGIN

All this stuff steadily exacerbated to the point of me not knowing what to do anymore and often being in weird situations. For example not telling her about unexpected changes, harmless changes at work (like having to stay 1.5h longer) because this might startle the witch, while trying to make it seem I was already on my way home or so. Ironically quite the opposite of what a cheater would lie about. And if she found out i was LYING... . wow. Try explaining this one.

All this turned me into a bag of nerves rather quickly.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I had gotten my invitation to the US embassy for my interview, which was a big step. But rather than her being happy about it (as I was - all this BS would soon come to an end after all) something happened. I honestly don't really remember what triggered it, but she exploded into a grand display of anger, hate and a coldness I never thought possible. This was quite startling, since she always helped with all the paperwork and now I was left alone with the preparation.

If I sent her a text it was "suffocating", "clingy", "needy" (if I got a response at all). When I told her it hurts me incredibly and I just wanted to know what is going on I was being "manipulative", a "psycho" etc. and I should seek professional help. Communication was impossible. I wasn't walking on egg shells, I found myself blindfolded in a minefield. All while life for her seemed to be going on (joking on facebook with her friends etc) I once asked her if she still loves me and that knowing this would help me give her all the space and time she needs all I got in return was a "stop being so needy, you are so draining." Goddammit. She could have just said "yes" and I would have been content. How someone can hurt someone so much, when it would be so easy to avoid it is mindboggling. Even a "no" would have been less painful at this time.

One day in October I was at the end of my rope and I somehow managed to get her on the phone and managed to make her listen to me (how I pulled this off is still a mystery to me.)

In short, I told her really pragmatically that all this has become pretty crazy, unfair etc. and that I, although I love her very much, will have to pull myself out of this situation if it doesn't get better.

A couple of days later I got a text, more or less out of the blue saying that "it is too bad I can't visit" (work, money it would cost booking so short notice and on precise dates.)

But since I saw this to be a chance to get out of this hell hole I made it happen by booking flights. The visit seemed to have been good for both of us and it was much better afterwards.

ACT TWO: ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES

We still had our problems here and there, but it was much better. I would almost call it "normal", but I might have already forgotten what that really is... .

So I finally booked my flight to the US (after selling my car, clearing my apartment.)

Things weren't perfect, she had changed a bit. But overall everything was good (I chalked it up to the stress of "now it get's real, we have a lot to manage and the stress of moving is not over". We got married. Then the real fun began. Since it is quite a lot to write, I will only go into the current situation and list a few behaviors that come to my mind afterwards.

About 2 weeks ago we had a bigger argument, for several reasons (some of them listed below.)

Ever since I have been administered her SilentTreatment©. Except some business like questions, her complaining about me doing something wrong, questioning me about stuff we don't talk. When she comes home from work she sits in the bedroom (watching TV, doing crafts and answering a text from time to time) while I sit in the living room. As of a couple of days ago I don't really care anymore. I've actually made myself comfortable in this silence. As long as I don't try to communicate she can't really slap me in the face with her coldness.

I will list some points here to cut everything a bit shorter ( I know it is long, thank you for even taking your time to reading to this point):

• The WHY questions:

Literally everything I do will be questioned with a "why". Even if that question doesn't really make sense. Sounds annoying? It is, trust me.

- "Why didn't you close the garage door?"

- "Errrr... . I must have forgotten. Is there a reason for the question I should be aware of?"

- "I WAS JUST ASKING GODDAMIT."

(I stopped answering à la "Because OBVIOUSLY i must have forgotten." I'm business now.)  

• My financial irresponsibilty:

Since I am not yet allowed to legally work in the US, I am living of the money I saved. We agreed on having separate accounts, since I would always feel uncomfortable using a joint account (no matter who earns more.) It just makes both of us more comfortable knowing that the money we spend is "ours." We both saw it that way, or so I thought.

I have to juggle a bit with my money to make everything work out fine and it does (like I said, never missed any payment.) So she doesn't have to worry about anything. BUT.

Example:

She registers us for some event. I am basically confronted with the fact. I had something else planned the week before that I mentioned to her before. I scratch it because both won't be possible financially and I rather do stuff with her. She then asks:

- "Weren't you supposed to take part in that blablabla"

- "No. I scratched it, since I thought you wanted to do something with me next week. Which I prefer to do anyways."

- "You are irresponsible. You should have told me. You can't let me register us when you don't have the money to do it. And then flake out of it last moment like last time. I am cancelling your registration." (Same situation last time.)

- "Errr... . but now I end up doing nothing at all?"

- "You shouldn't you don't have the money obviously. Next week we have to pay utility."

- "But I took that into account when budgeting. Also I never missed out on any payment."

- "You will this way. You are irresponsible" LMFAO

• Me being a lazy bum:

Since I am not allowed yet to legally work I am basically condemned to do "nothing".

Well. I keep myself busy around the house (seldom gets noticed), walking our dog, keeping everything clean, preparing paperwork, working out etc.

I don't know how she does it, but she calls me a slob that only hangs around the house doing nothing "constructive with his life" while not disagreeing with the fact that I CAN'T look for work.

• I can't be trusted, since I am a liar:

Everything that I am asked HAS to be answered, even if I can't really give a precise answer. So I have to estimate. If I am off... . "YOU LIED IN MY FACE!"

Same applies to things I just can't predict. This is also her justification for her in depth questioning of everything I do, say or whatever... . since I CAN'T BE TRUSTED!  

• I am being shady with my phone/laptop:

She comes into the room and a just lay my phone down next to me or shove the laptop aside (since I think this is polite imho). Well. It's not. It's shady, since I am hiding something. The fact that I basically changed my whole life, left friends, family and sold everything to come here and marry her isn't enough "proof". According to her I might have a "back up" plan. For some time I made it a point to let her see a glimpse of the screen and the boring stuff I was doing... . but that was insulting and ridiculous. Go figure.

[/list]

THERE ARE SO MUCH MORE STORIES, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET BORING.

Final points:

I am more or less over it. I told her that I was going to move out if she doesn't at least respect my needs to a minimum (since I am putting up with so much of her "need of space etc" in order to "help" her it is the least I can expect imho). This only led to her saying I was threatening her and that she can't believe anything I say anyways since I won't do anything and I am a flake. I asked her if she doesn't think that me starting to think like this doesn't justify me telling her about something of such magnitude and giving us a chance. No.

Okaylydokeyly. What I am doing now is observing. The moment I have a firm decision, and most of all a plan of action I will present her the facts and that's it. If that is the way she wants it.

I am not being hostile towards her, I still tell her "I love you" before we go to sleep (since I do) and she answers the same (even if I think it sounds a bit pressured - but I don't care, it's once a day... deal with it.) But I don't initiate communication, only if I NEED to know something or if I know she would rip me a new one for not letting her now.

Now to the big problem I have:

Certain aspects of my situation make it nearly impossible to just leave.

I am here on a well calculated budget. This budget doesn't include paying half of the rent until the lease runs out (in 6 months), utility bills, buying a plane ticket and all that jazz. Also to consider: I would basically be homeless coming back to my home country, not having a dime in my pocket should I somehow come up with the money to leave my current situation. And no work.

She knows that. She is very calculating. I always kinda assume her being a step ahead. As she always told me she was in regards to other people at work that try to eff with her.

[pipehitter]

One thought I wanted to add.

In my previous relationships there was always one unspoken rule.

No matter how bad a fight/argument was. When one party apologized or said "F*** it. I am over fighting." Or just offered a hug... . the fight was over. Even if there where things to be discussed later that had been left open.

I always knew that know matter how strongly we disagree it never affects the feeling of love and caring for the other person. This is what I always thought of to be the best feeling in the world. No matter what, the other person is ALWAYS there.

Not with her. One night a couple of weeks ago I was so upset and felt so alone and desperate that I was crying (I thought she was already asleep). After a couple of minutes I got a cannonade of anger.

"Stop making yourself cry. You are being dramatic, stop trying to make me feel bad. Just let me sleep. I have to work tomorrow, as opposed to you."

Wow. That one hurt. I got up and said I don't want to sleep in the same bed with someone being so hurtful for NO REASON AT ALL (she didn't know why I was crying).

She said I was being dramatic and scary and I should leave the room immediately.

What the heck

[pipehitter]

Sorry, i forgot to add something to my previous point. I don't seem to be able to edit posts.

The problem with me leaving is also that I might be barred from the US for a certain amount of time, depending on numerous factors (3-10 years).

Since, due to my occupation, I kind of need to come to the states every year (training/vacation) during the winter months... . well this would put me in a pretty bad spot.

So it is not only the financial problem i might encounter for now. But also repercussions I might encounter for several years down the road.

Also I wanted to add a very important and prominent point in her behavior. She always has to be right and have the last word. Even in situations in which I am clearly far more qualified.

This has certainly to do with her HUGE fear of being called an idiot.

The last bigger example I came across was me having a cough in the evening due to having a slight bronchitis. Nothing major, just a cough every 10 minutes or so.

So I used the knowledge I had due to my experience in the medical field (not my current work anymore). We were watching TV, I was laying on the bed, she sitting on an arm chair.

- "Sit upright or you will cough."

- "I am laying on my side to help get rid of the mucus on the side where it bothers me the most. So I can get it out with just one cough." (I wasn't even coughing to begin with.)

- "Sure. BS. Since when are you a doctor now? I have been to the hospital before. And this is what they told me to do to suppress my cough."

- "I wasn't disagreeing that this helps supressing an excessive cough. It does. But I am trying to get rid of that stuff, so I won't cough when we try to sleep."

- "And what are you going to do with the mucus you cough up? Swallow it? Then you are back at square one."

- "Errrr. There is a difference between swallowing and inhaling something. Also btw, you know  that I have worked in exactly this field for years."

- "YEAH. WHATEVER."

I've known of her hang-up about feeling less intelligent than someone else. I always respected that. Even when I knew she was CLEARLY wrong I never told her. I tried to formulate it as a question or thought, as if I had also just got the idea it might be different, always giving her an out and not making me "look smart".

Why did I even bother.

[Pecator]

WOW Ph,

I am so sorry you are going through this. But I am very glad you found this community.

The most powerful words I get here are "you are not alone." You PH are definitely not alone.

We have such similar situations. I have learned so much from people here with similar instances, but let me show you what I mean. I never thought anyone could be going through what I am.

EXPOSITION

I met her roughly 2.5 years ago

Okay this one is small…put wait for it... .

Visa.

We had tried to find an employer before she brought this up, but it is almost impossible to find an employer that would go through the hassle of this VISA nightmare. I never thought I would ever get married... . but she was perfect, we got along great.

We were together for about a year when my I was downsized (in Canada) from a job directly tied to my Visa. As you described, we had a typical and what I thought was significant relationship with ups and downs. She stayed with me through some trying points (work-related). I thought we were a great team. Having found this forum only a week ago, I already realize there were flags that went unseen.

Unbeknownst, to me, this upset her on very deep level. After the next recycle, her sister told me that she was convinced I had to return to the US and that she would never see me again.

This of course is not how she related to me. When she looked emotional (not a common trait), she would say that this r/s was not working out. Why, I would ask. "Because I can't trust you." Suddenly an event that happened a month earlier was the catharsis for some vitriolic accusations. At a party, while I was walking by the dance floor my friend's wife pulled me on (my ex had danced with my friend earlier, no big deal). I only stayed for thirty seconds and continued to the bar. "I can't trust a man that always needs female attention so much!" (which is so not me and thanks to many recycles she admitted at one point she was wrong). Arguments like we never had begun and I could do no right.

A week after being told about my job, I had to attend the wedding of my goddaughter bak in the States. It was to be the triumphal introduction to my family. She backed out at the last minute siting concerns for my finances "now that you don't have a job." I was so disappointed. Emails back and forth were full of love and regret for us not being together (on both sides). The day I returned she told me she was going out with friends. I thought it a bit unusual, but never the jealous type I wished her fun. Later, I texted her "sweet-nothings" a couple of times and got nothing in return. Finally I texted her that I was not upset, but certainly hoped to say goodnight on my first night back. "Why can't I have one night to myself." then other texts calling me clingy and controlling. I have many faults. those are not among them.

We didn't see each other as often the next week. Once when she was obviously lying about something I pushed her on it. "I met someone at the bar and met him for coffee last night." She said she wanted to feel what it was like to feel normal on a date. She went on to blame me for all the pressure and her need to feel "normal" just once. She even blamed my replacement for being too nice. "Who would have thought I would have met a nice guy randomly at a bar? I wish he was a shallow ass. It would have been so easy." Never mind assuming any responsibility for approaching this guy in a bar, exchanging cards, arranging and showing up for a date.

Any such thoughts of guilt were covered in days by, "well we were broken up anyway." I certainly did not remember any discussion around this. And the texts and emails I did have suggested quite the opposite. Even though I was at an extreme low point, I still had enough self-confidence not to take the jealous road. I knew this guy could never compete with what we had (and that took some bravado. He was a leading scholar at the local university and played in a band )

As you can relate though, in addition to the emotional turmoil, I had the added injury that one of only two possibilities of staying in Canada was gone. I could've applied for one based on a relationship. My only chance was the unlikely chance of finding another position in my field. So unlikely that I had to think about giving up staying in my career.

She was always open about having had a... . rough childhood

I know these stories are often exaggerated or used for leverage by people with BPD. But she never told me more than she had to in order for me to understand certain things. Also the situations and circumstances and the way she told me about it where genuine and "sane". I thought more along the lines of: "The way she deals with this is worth admiring. Good to know, it might explain some smaller quirks she has." It is definitely something that a handful of people know about her, nothing she is telling everybody like your typical drama queen.

This is her to a tee (wait you aren't my replacement are you? )

She told me of sexual abuse (mentioned it once and only that it "something" had happened. No details. She made me promise never to mention it again. I never have. I still am confident that I am the only one she has ever told. I even paid dearly when I mentioned that I mentioned it to my T), she was the middle of five siblings and the product of her mother's affair. There was certainty around it, but clouded because no one dare mention it. Like you said, spoke very genuine and "sane." No drama around it. I was quite impressed by the fact that she saw a "T" twice a month and had been for almost ten years. However, it wasn't a very deep therapeutic relationship as I recently found out, she never mentioned either of these two factors to him.

She is extremely smart and well spoken. And can be extremely tough and pragmatic, which also helped her to get FAR in her job.

Yup. Only person in her family to get a university degree. Excelled and was top of her class. She credits it to her FOO and having to put up walls (note not boundaries), put your head down and power through. She turned a teacher’s degree into a professorship at a college by perseverance over 12 years of quarter/half/ and finally full time which happened while we were together. She even credits me as essential help getting full-time.

I am grateful to Mutt on this board who told me early on the BPD is a spectrum disorder. I was confused by my inability to connect with so many here who talked about the SOs as unable to hold a job, being unreliable, unorganized, and barely capable to survive day to day. My uBPDex was none of that. She raised two solid, healthy boys. Everyone who knows her would describe her as extremely stable. Few people ever got to know her emotional life.

Even though the many stories about partners with unstable practical lives didn’t click, their emotional journeys spoke volumes to me. I have begun to see how she used toughness and pragmatism to build her walls, keep her head down, push through, and pretending that her emotional chaos had no bearing on her life.

My point is here are extremely high functioning pwBPD. However, you will learn quite a bit from the experience here whether "high functioning" or not.

She was always a bit jealous after we first met in person, but it was within the realms of normality, you could almost say she was very trusting considering the circumstances. But this jealousy grew constantly and by late summer of 2013 we got to a point where she became kind of erratic.

At a party, I was talking to a husband and wife about my career. I sat opposite them while the husband had his arm on the back of his wife’s chair. There was a table between us. I spent weeks being painted black and months hearing about this because, “she seemed overly interested in me and I did nothing to deter that.”

I have so many more stories like that.

But I chalked it up to us being in a very particular and difficult situation

Exactly

not telling her about unexpected changes, harmless changes... . because this might startle the witch... . Ironically quite the opposite of what a cheater would lie about. And if she found out i was LYING... . wow. Try explaining this one.

I once took a friend of my mine to dinner. There we ran into two of his friends that I knew casually. My friend was in the latter stages of ALS. He asked me to text the others to thank them for a lovely evening. A few days later she went through my phone. It didn’t matter that this was an emotional evening for me, nor that I am not the person to exploit such an evening just to step out on her. Even after he died, she used this to fortify her statement, “if I can’t trust you on the little things, how can I trust you on the greater ones.”

Avoiding the witch was a constant battle between truth and lies.

All this turned me into a bag of nerves rather quickly.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I had gotten my invitation to the US embassy for my interview, which was a big step. But rather than her being happy about it (as I was - all this BS would soon come to an end after all) something happened. I honestly don't really remember what triggered it, but she exploded into a grand display of anger, hate and a coldness I never thought possible. This was quite startling, since she always helped with all the paperwork and now I was left alone with the preparation. If I sent her a text it was "suffocating", "clingy", "needy" (if I got a response at all). When I told her it hurts me incredibly and I just wanted to know what is going on I was being "manipulative", a "psycho" etc. and I should seek professional help. Communication was impossible.

Here is where it gets scary close. After being unemployed for a year, staying in Canada where it would be illegal for me to work, everything began to come together. My lawyer advised that I make my case at the boarder while demonstrating that I was out of the country for some time. A family reunion was planned in the states. It was a second attempt at triumph and she would meet my entire family. It was fantastic. As I expected, she commented many times on how fun it will be when our families meet, especially around the dysfunctions we laughed.

Unfortunately, my uBpdex was not as involved with my immigration process. I dismissed that knowing how much she feared my not being able to be in Canada. Even more unfortunate, that fear only complicated the process.

At this point, I was caught up in the truth/lie scenario that you described earlier. My lawyer told me that he was taking vacation. If I needed him, I would have to extend my stay for three days. Do I tell her the truth and she has fodder for to accuse me for my life being in chaos? Or do I avoid the truth knowing that I can make this happen? I chose the latter.

I have friends close to the boarder (US side). While not reliable to plans, I always know they have a couch for me to crash on. By this point, I was so lost.

I suppressed the voices that said, “Why doesn’t your partner in this life changing love simply say, ‘C’mon, we’re doing this together.”

After a ten hour car ride back from the reunion with persistent “have you heard from him?” “Do you even have a clue what your doing?”  I assured her that all was well and in hand. She dropped me on a corner and left for Canada.

It took an extra day to sort things out. After an amazingly stressful day and facing a decision that would have significant impact on my life, I eclipsed the knowledge that she was off work for the summer and the boys were with their dad. I justified her actions understanding this provoked great fear in her.

Still, in a rare act of putting my needs first, I wanted to hear her voice.  Many attempts to contact her were met with a single text, “I am out with friends. Why are you suddenly so controlling?” It was followed up the next morning, “I wish you luck today. I hope you get your visa. But I can’t do this any more. Please move on with your life.”

I got the visa, with an extremely qualified sense of hope.

I wasn't walking on egg shells, I found myself blindfolded in a minefield.

Jealousy, truth, commitment were never rational, only defined by her. I used “minefield” so many times with my T.


To be continued

I got way more, just need to rest for awhile.

(Including, being considered lazy and unmotivated while she knew I couldn’t get a job in Canada)