Creating distance

[sharlock]

I am friends with a unBPD male.  It may be difficult for some to understand that truly we are friends and I'm not physically involved.  I do love him, but I would never leave my family.  Plus it would never work out - too complicated to explain here. 

I've always wanted to maintain a friendship with him because we have a lot in common (similar backgrounds, family, faith, interests).  He is my best friend.  He wants to spend time with me doing things we both love, however, sometimes he wants to spend it alone with me.  I'm a married woman, there are limits to what we can and cannot do together.  I'm pretty sure he stalks me (computer, phone, email hacking).  I've tried to set boundaries with him too many times to count.  He engages in this push/pull drama all the time. I think he is punishing me for even suggesting we create some space.  Its like he wants ALL the control.  This makes me very depressed and I start thinking do I just accept him the way he is and love him unconditionally as a good person would.  Or start implementing the boundaries even though he won't agree to them.  Creating distance and boundaries is very difficult for me because honestly it's hard on me too.  However, I know it may hurt for a while but in the long run I'll be healthier and happier.  He just won't agree to it and as long as he won't it seems impossible for me to implement. 

I thought about the NC cold turkey but I'm afraid.  I desperately afraid.  He's suggested he'd rather die than be without my friendship.  Many years ago he had a "similar" friendship and she did the NC cold turkey and he threatened to emotionally blackmail her. He actually made her life hell and she ended up changing jobs to get away from him.  Yes, I work with him as well. Regarding the stalking, I'm pretty sure he has recorded private conversations I've had with him.  I'm pretty sure he has OCD so that may explain the stalking and recording conversations.  I share just about everything with him; like I said he is my best friend.  I know this all sounds like an oxymoron. 

I'm in counseling and it's all about me understanding how I got to this place.  It's a very slow process.  In the mean time I just needed to vent to my BPD family.  Thank you.

[Want2know]

Does your husband know of your friendship and support it?

Being that close with another male, especially if you feel he is taking it too far can have a negative effect on your marriage.

No contact can make the situation escalate.  Controlled contact is probably better in your case, but you're going to have to be non-emotional and more business like.

What has your therapist suggested you do regarding contact with your friend?

[sharlock]

Yes my husband knows of our friendship and closeness.  My husband doesn't like him, but he pretty much allows me to do whatever I want.  My husband emotionally checked out of our marriage many years ago.  I've asked him to get help but he refuses and immerses himself in his career and online games.  He feels like just a statue in this house.

My therapist is mostly concerned with me and my emotions.  She's trying to help me understand how I got myself caught-up in this relationship/friendship.  I think you would call her therapy technique mindfulness. Piece by piece she's helping me understand how I got "here".  My ultimate goal is to make a decision to stay or go and be at PEACE with my decision. 

Once again I've decided to block him from my cell phone because being in this ambiguous relationship is very painful.  Yes, I can see how this relationship is hurting my marriage. The friendship is causing even more distance because all my attention is centered on my unBPD friend.  I'm not completely ready to let go but as I'm sure some people understand it's not as easy as saying "o.k. this isn't right or healthy - I'm leaving". 

With therapy I'm starting to see how I got in this situation.  Really, I think I was completely lonely and didn't realize it and then a friendship started with the wrong guy.  He adored me and became my best friend only to well... .   I think most of you realize all the pain associated with being a BPD person.  When all is said and done I'll need to either work on my marriage (if my husband allows) or leave... .   Just a lot of hard decisions to make.  One step at a time and I'm trying to be kind to myself. 

[sharlock]

P.S. I don't think my therapist wants me to make a decision regarding NC until I have a better grip on my emotions. She says if I make a decision based on one emotion (hurt, love, anger, critic) I'm most likely not going to "stick" to it.  I need to hear and understand all my emotions, and then hear MYSELF to make the right decision. 

[Tolou]

It sounds like a difficuly situation indeed, but one you got yourself into, considering that your married.  But, your in it, so what can you do now?

Look within the marriage you have maybe and ask yourself what is missing that made you look outiside of the marriage to begin with.  And is it possible to obtain these things with your husband with some hard work on both your parts, is it something you truley want, or is the BPD friend a possible escape route> for the future if things do not work out.  But leaving one unhealthy relationship and enterign to another could be even more painful?

Do you have any expectation or feelings of someday possibly having more with this "friend"? It sounds like your therapist is a good one, and should work on your emotions before making any big desicions, best of luck, keep posting... . it helps to vent, and just get insight and feedback from others.