Ugh 14 yr old DD: Drugs, meds, and therapy

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi again all.

Well, my 14yr old BPD daughter lasted 2 months in RTC before the insurance ran out and we had to bring her home.  The RTC we chose was not really equipped to treat her, even though they insisted they were, but that's another story.   Anyway, she's been home since just before Christmas and refuses to go to any therapy of any kind.  She has definite trust issues with doctors now, and won't even go to her meds doctor anymore.  She has decided to stop taking the Saphris, and has instead substituted illegal drugs.  We know for certain she smokes weed, because she is extremely calm and easy to deal with when she's high, so we always know.  She has been overheard by teachers at school bragging to other kids that she also uses cocaine.   

She keeps telling us that she's trying to move out, that she has a friend who's getting an apartment, that she's going to get a job, blah blah blah, but nothing is ever actually accomplished.   She manages to attend school about 50% of the time.   Surprisingly, she has A's and B's in all her subjects except gym.  She has a 504 plan that allows her extra time to complete assignments.   She constantly complains that she should be allowed to drop out now and not wait until she's 16.

The main problem I have at this point is that I am her emotional anchor, of sorts.  While she is saying "F**k you!" one minute, she will be

devastated if she thinks I'm angry at her the next.  I am the one who stays home, drives her everywhere, and basically does 100% of the caregiving.  She has painted my spouse black, so there really is no active backup, just support when DD is not around.

I feel awful when I try to take some time for myself and DD looks at is as a rejection.  I have taken the advice of past therapists and chalked her actions up to attempted manipulation, but that almost always backfires and results in a brokenhearted little girl.  I have tried to explain my boundaries to her, but of course I might as well be trying to explain the theory of relativity.  She cannot understand the basic concepts.

I'm pretty much at my wit's end.  Her friends take advantage of her and like to hang out at our house because they know that we are a bit more lenient with DD than their parents are with them.   I don't know how many of them know she's got this disorder, but even if they do they couldn't possibly know the extent of the issues she has.  And most of the time she has convinced herself she has no problems at all! 

Right now we are trying to deal with all her friends wanting to smoke weed here.  We have banned them for short periods when we've caught them at it, but my daughter once again is devastated by that, because she thinks they will stop being her friends (which could realistically happen since she has been used many times in the past).  We really don't want to go to prison, so we try to weather the storm of our DD's emotions when this happens.

Does anyone else see this oscillation between the adolescent BPD being a helpless child one minute and thinking they should be an adult the next?  It is a real emotional roller coaster for me.

[ncmoms]

Hi again all.

Well, my 14yr old BPD daughter lasted 2 months in RTC before the insurance ran out and we had to bring her home.  The RTC we chose was not really equipped to treat her, even though they insisted they were, but that's another story.   Anyway, she's been home since just before Christmas and refuses to go to any therapy of any kind.  She has definite trust issues with doctors now, and won't even go to her meds doctor anymore.  She has decided to stop taking the Saphris, and has instead substituted illegal drugs.  We know for certain she smokes weed, because she is extremely calm and easy to deal with when she's high, so we always know.  She has been overheard by teachers at school bragging to other kids that she also uses cocaine.   

She keeps telling us that she's trying to move out, that she has a friend who's getting an apartment, that she's going to get a job, blah blah blah, but nothing is ever actually accomplished.   She manages to attend school about 50% of the time.   Surprisingly, she has A's and B's in all her subjects except gym.  She has a 504 plan that allows her extra time to complete assignments.   She constantly complains that she should be allowed to drop out now and not wait until she's 16.

The main problem I have at this point is that I am her emotional anchor, of sorts.  While she is saying "F**k you!" one minute, she will be

devastated if she thinks I'm angry at her the next.  I am the one who stays home, drives her everywhere, and basically does 100% of the caregiving.  She has painted my spouse black, so there really is no active backup, just support when DD is not around.

I feel awful when I try to take some time for myself and DD looks at is as a rejection.  I have taken the advice of past therapists and chalked her actions up to attempted manipulation, but that almost always backfires and results in a brokenhearted little girl.  I have tried to explain my boundaries to her, but of course I might as well be trying to explain the theory of relativity.  She cannot understand the basic concepts.

I'm pretty much at my wit's end.  Her friends take advantage of her and like to hang out at our house because they know that we are a bit more lenient with DD than their parents are with them.   I don't know how many of them know she's got this disorder, but even if they do they couldn't possibly know the extent of the issues she has.  And most of the time she has convinced herself she has no problems at all! 

Right now we are trying to deal with all her friends wanting to smoke weed here.  We have banned them for short periods when we've caught them at it, but my daughter once again is devastated by that, because she thinks they will stop being her friends (which could realistically happen since she has been used many times in the past).  We really don't want to go to prison, so we try to weather the storm of our DD's emotions when this happens.

Does anyone else see this oscillation between the adolescent BPD being a helpless child one minute and thinking they should be an adult the next?  It is a real emotional roller coaster for me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, ncmoms & welcome back... .

I'm sorry that you are having troubles with your daughter; the behavior you have specifically asked about regarding her feeling like a helpless little girl sometimes, and then wanting to be treated as an adult the next, can be actually very "normal" for a 14 year-old girl, regardless of whether she has BPD or not.

Has she actually been diagnosed as BPD? Hearing that she has a problem with pot and possibly cocaine (and maybe other substances?), makes me wonder if any professional has ever suggested a Dual Diagnosis Program for her? Sometimes when traditional programs don't do the job of helping our children, a Dual Diagnosis Program--for people with substance abuse issues along with mental health problems--will facilitate recovery that other programs cannot. Have you ever looked into one? Has anyone ever suggested one before?

There's something that causes me some concerns regarding what's going on with your daughter that stands out for me. You say that she and her friends like to spend time at your house because they have the impression that you are less strict than the other moms. You mention that they have smoked pot at your house, and you have banned them from your home (for short periods of time) when you catch them doing it. I'm wondering if that means that they are allowed to come back to your house eventually? Are your daughter and her friends at your home without parental supervision? Is there the chance that they are smoking pot while you are not there?

I realize that banning her friends from your home will devastate your daughter, and possibly lose her those friends who are only with her for the freedom of doing what they can't do at their own homes. I'm sure something like that will make your daughter feel lonely and abandoned, and that you are afraid for her feelings if that would happen. I also realize that you are the adult, and as the adult you most likely know that you need to take control of this situation, right?

It's tough being the parent of a child with BPD symptoms and behaviors, and trying to handle situations in a way to minimize pain and anger in our child is an ongoing struggle. Believe me, I know. I am here because of my own BPD son, who is now 37, who wasn't diagnosed with BPD till he was 36, and I've lived with his troubles for almost his whole life. If you would like to read his (my) story, you can click on the link here: My son's Dual Diagnosis & NFT Story. He also was a troubled teen, and drugs and BPD (along with ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety, and other health issues) were part of it. But, there are programs and treatments available to your daughter that weren't around for my son when he was younger. I hope that you can find the help she needs, now, while she has her whole life ahead of her 

[ncmoms]

Thanks, Rapt Reader.

Yes, she has been "unofficially" diagnosed by both her regular therapist and her psychiatrist last fall.  Her therapist decided that she wasn't qualified to treat her any more, so since my daughter returned from RTC in December, she has refused to go to any therapist.  She had a good rapport with the former one, and felt abandoned by her.   So it would be a real trick to get her into a Dx program at this point.  I strongly feel that she would run away rather than submit to that.

Yes, we have had a time trying to decide which behaviors are regular teen behaviors and which are BPD.  It is tough being the only one she connects emotionally with and being the disciplinarian.  She really doesn't seem capable of distinguishing the "just because I disapprove of your behavior doesn't mean I don't love you". 

The friends that come here actually have one last chance, given yesterday afternoon.  If they blow it this time, it's permanent ban.  I will NOT go to jail for their behavior.  DD is actively trying to move out, and told us last night she has an older friend who is getting an apartment and said she could move in.  We spent 3 hours in a raging battle about how unrealistic it is for her to consider that since she doesn't have a job or car, and we don't have the money to support two households.  It was not a pretty scene.

[sadandscared]

I'm so sorry for what's going on with your family. She's only 14 also! Our daughter is almost 18 and thinks she has it all figured out. Of course when her world comes crashing down because of bad decisions she has made then she turns into a little girl that says she needs me. I know that sounds like normal teenage behavior but the decisions she makes have gotten her thrown in jail 4 times, pregnant (had an abortion), abused by her druggie ex-boyfriend(I should say ex at the current moment), in a group home for 8 months, in another group home 3 different times for a few weeks at a time. Under an intensive supervision program, 3 significant suicide attempts, 3 hospitalizations, she has stolen hundreds of dollars from us, stolen medication from family members, stolen from stores, not attending school very often, fired or just stops going to jobs, uses weed all the time, violent outburst at us and twice been arrested for battery and disorderly for hitting and screaming at someone else, runs away all the time, ect... . The list goes on and on. She has just quit going to dbt therapy also. Not that it was helping anyway because she wasn't open to the help. The only real suggestion I can give you right now is to learn to use the mindfulness technique and breath, pray, and hope that she'll open up to a therapist. My thoughts are with you, I hope today is a good day.  

[ncmoms]

Wow, sadandscared, I'm very sorry for all you've been through!  That is a real nightmare.  As you say, we just have to breathe and try to stay focused on our own health and well-being, no matter how painful our child's life is.    Good luck to you.

[theplotthickens]

Welcome!   It is so hard to set boundaries with these kids, but it is vital.  What consequences does your dd have when she uses drugs, refuses school, and refuses therapy?  Or, what rewards does she receive when she regulates in these areas?  

The first step I would work on is getting her back on her meds.  Maybe she could have input in this, as perhaps they had side effects she found unpleasant.  Without meds, my dd would not be able to live here because she is so rageful and out of control.  

Sometimes I have to use bribery to get her to take her meds, and I am ok with that!  These kids will do nothing if they don't see an immediate benefit to themselves.  I have found daily consequences/rewards work best because my dd is so impulsive and emotionally unstable.

It is so exhausting.  However, there are a lot of things parents can do to get unstuck from being in a negative cycle.  I'm sure if you asked for specific ideas, we could share!   Keep posting!

[sadandscared]

Where I am stuck is that when we give a clear explanation of boundries  she doesn't follow them. She'll just leave and do whatever she wants. The consequences for this are she has only used her car twice in nearly 4 months, she currently doesn't have a phone. I really don't know what else to take away. She knows we'll never stop loving her. Her grandma keeps trying to get me to take her to another RTC that she has found. I can't force her to go there and we have found that it really doesn't help unless they want the help. She is a master manipulator and will say whatever she thinks people want to hear and then turn around and do the exact opposite.

I picked her up last night at a friends house after she didn't come home the night before and of course starting saying how this is so unexceptable and she told me that she wants to go to anger management classes because she wants to bash my head into the stearing wheel and watch me bleed out. I said that's disgusting and went in the house and locked myself in my bedroom the rest of the night. She does have to go to anger management classes starting Monday because it is court ordered.

I don't know what else to do at this point. I think her dad is ready to just let her leave and figure it out on her own. I can't. I picture her alone on the streets, drugged up and being used by anyone. 

[ncmoms]

The boundaries are all for ourselves.  We have had limited success with consequences for rule breaking.  It is so hard to tell when the emotional outbursts are really her pain or just manipulation.  Our last warning for the kids she hangs out with about smoking weed on our property seems to have stuck, because they haven't done it since.  That's at least a relief.

As for the moving out, apparently this girl she was planning to get an apartment with changed her mind, because nothing else has been said about it.  I'm glad because not only were we dreading having to drag her back home but she hasn't even been going to school as it is, and if she isn't at home, there's just no hope.

I'm not sure how I really feel about her not taking the Saphris any more.  While I think it helped her not be suicidal, I also think it wasn't doing much else for her.  Plus we realized it had made her gain about 25 pounds, which means she'll never go back on it if she has a choice!  She is having a difficult time with the withdrawals, so we are hoping that goes away soon.  That's why she won't go to school, because she is having a lot of trouble sleeping at night.

So here's a question.  We have confronted her about our suspicions that she's selling pot to get money.  She swears she's not.  How do we get any evidence or proof?  Or do we punish her just on our suspicions?  I can't see that being helpful.

[theplotthickens]

I feel like am living in a parallel life with all of you, my sisters and brothers!  My daughter has said she wants to bash my head into the steering wheel, and so to her the better choice was to open the door of my moving vehicle.     She has also gotten angry while in the car and told her she wants to fillet me open to the backbone with a knife.  Charming. 

So, my boundaries for the car are: she has to sit in the front seat, as  have fear and anxiety when she is behind me due to all the threats.  And my strategy is that I don't confront her in the car.  I turn the music on.  LOUD. This distracts a bit.

What was the trigger for her wanting to bash your head in?  This normally happens for us when I am confronting her on a behavior.

This illness is so sucky to live with.

[sadandscared]

The trigger for her saying that was me telling her that it was unexceptable that she didn't come home the night before and we have to search for her and worry all the time about her safety and choices. I think your idea about no confrontations in the car is very good advice. Thanks I will try to keep that in mind. My daughter has never jumped out of a moving car but there have been many times I thought she was going to. Good news! She stayed home all weekend! I just pray she goes to school everyday all day this week!

[ncmoms]

Well, after missing 4.5 days of school last week, she finally did get up and go today!   Hurray for small victories!

She was very unhappy that I wouldn't give her her allowance for last week.  She tried to convince me that she had been working hard to clean the rec room after her friends were there, and that should be enough for her to receive her allowance.  I said no, that although I know she worked hard to clean that room and I really appreciated that, the not going to school was a huge thing and no allowance until she started going more regularly.  She didn't even argue!  Wow!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders