broke no contact

[rougeetnoir]

After 1 month LC and 2 months broken up, I sent my ex an email this morning.  I apologized for the stuff I did wrong in our relationship and wished her the best going forward. 

I think I don't know and I don't care if she responds.  It was something I felt I needed to do for myself and to at least feel like I haven't been a monster to her-- maybe I'm wrong about my motivations. Maybe me contacting her won't help her.  But, I've felt a fair amount of guilt for some of my actions and other than a conversation after our initial blow out, I never said a lot of the things that I have felt, calmly and collectedly. 

I don't know if I did the right thing or not, but I did it.  Now on with my day... .

[rougeetnoir]

one month NC, not LC

[growing_wings]

hi there

what do you think is what you are looking for in the email you sent? closure? 

[rougeetnoir]

a friend asked me the same question... . I replied that I grew up Catholic-- I believe in public penance! 

Yeah, I'd say I'm hoping for closure.  The thing that complicates the situation (and has since the beginning) is that she has a six year-old son whom I love like my own son.  His birthday was last week and that has triggered some stuff. I'd love some reassurance that she is truly moving forward and not hurting herself.  I'd like it for him and me. That would help me find closure. 

[growing_wings]

closure is a difficult one for a pwBPD... . at least no the type of closure that we seek...

i didnt have closure. I read here that closure will come for me from within, once i have dealt with i have to deal with and move on. I am starting to feel that way... .   i am not thinking about her as much as i used to before.

although i truly understand the need for your to say unsaid things to her, and that is important for you, be careful not to fall in cycle where you expect her to underdand where you come from... . they do not see things as we do... . we are not in the same page... .

I understand the situation with the kid, difficult one... .   reassurance that she is truly moving forward? how does that look like?

[rougeetnoir]

In an ideal world, reassurance would look like "Thanks for your kind words.  It has been tough for me, too. I've sought treatment for myself and my son and we are doing great.  Take care!"

In our world, it would look like this:

No reply, nothing.

I needed to say these things for myself.  Why?  Multiple motivations, some good, some bad.

Good: I've been thinking about these things for a while and just want to say them, with no rancor or anger;  we broke up and I left the house, we had two conversation/arguments, and then I went LC (conversations about moving stuff out).  Pretty full disengagement almost from the start. I needed to get myself and my stuff out of our home. Once that happened, NC since with one blip in mid-February. I had been bottling up a lot of stuff that I wanted to say.  I feel for her- independent of the PD- she has a difficult life right now: full-time school, part-time job, child. I don't want her to drop out of school, because she's been down that road before and she's 32 now and it might be too late to fix things. I wanted to tell her that I knew she could do it and that she is pretty remarkable for trying. I just wanted to get it out there.

Bad: I am scared by detaching. I'm scared by the fact that her wonderful child will never be in my life again and I can't help him at all.  This was my way of trying to help him, by encouraging her to succeed. Also, I'm aware I have a bit of a self-destructive personality. I don't ever trust when things are going well and all of my friends are telling me how well I'm doing. I'm sure that played into it.

[rougeetnoir]

Of course, what happens?  None of those things, but shockingly (sarcasm), a friend of hers-- who didn't have my email address until today-- emailed me about a contract I had with her husband that I haven't completed yet and that I needed to complete.  What a coincidence that the friend emails on the day when I reached out to her with a reminder about something I still have to do!

[heartandwhole]

Hi rougeetnoir,

I'm sorry about the response, that would hit me hard.  Doing what feels right has risks, of course, but any pain that comes from it ultimately teaches us, too.

You followed your integrity, and I think that is a great way to live. 

[rougeetnoir]

Honestly, once you know how things work, it is very empowering. I saw what her friend was trying to do and I responded clearly and to the point: didn't even enter my mind to get fired up about it. Annoyed, but not ruminatingly angry or anything.  It is so transparent and such a joke, that I just need to laugh.

It was nice today to, because I saw my new psychiatrist and I talked about my recent break up.  Before I could even finish speaking, he said it is likely BPD. We had a good talk about it too as an illness.

[seeking balance]

Apologizing because it aligns with our values as a person is a good thing.

Expecting unrealistic response can be dangerous, but it sounds like you were pretty clear with what you were doing and why.

Adding the kid factor, you are grieving double losses - this is big to keep in mind.  Kids in the equation adds to the confusion of the grief.

It was nice today to, because I saw my new psychiatrist and I talked about my recent break up.  Before I could even finish speaking, he said it is likely BPD. We had a good talk about it too as an illness.

Glad you felt validated by the new T 

Keep posting, keep processing.

Peace,

SB

[rougeetnoir]

Thanks for the kind words.  I appreciate them... .

The kid and I were pretty darn close and she used a fair amount of emotional blackmail through him.

I'm pretty much over the relationship (the Jerry Springeresque episode when I moved out helped that.  I'd never seen/experienced anything like it and it made clear to me that she couldn't process emotions properly).  THe relationship with the kid is going to take a lot longer.