She Emptied Out My Homes

[Aussie0zborn]

After I got a Restraining Order against her I felt safe to move in to one of our fully furnished holiday houses, while she continues to live in the matrimonial home. She had hijacked the two homes and collected the holiday rental money for the last seven months placing it in her personal bank account rather than our mortgage account as was the norm. After moving in I installed a video surveillance security system and felt rather safe even though the nearest police station is 27 minutes away at night time. The surveillance system was not yet hooked up to the internet for remote monitoring and alarm notifications.

The second holiday house is next door and for the purposes of the Restraining Order, she is not allowed there either seeing as it is within 100m of my residential address. Her new lawyer argued that the homes were booked for holiday rentals and if I didn't move out they would commence legal proceedings. My lawyer replied that if she wanted to vacate the matrimonial home so that I could live there then I would vacate the holiday house. No reply.

So I travelled out of town on business. I got back to find the outdoor video surveillance cameras missing. Last time I went to my house (the matrimonial home), New Guy came out with a baseball bat so this time I knew I had to wait for the police before going inside this house.

Well, the locks had been changed and both houses had been emptied. Even the barbeques that were bolted down had been removed as well as every single item that made them both fully furnished houses together with my clothes. Rather than sleep on bare floorboards I had to seek other accommodation.

Unless she did it herself, there may be no breach of the Restraining Order. As there was no forced entry, its not a break and enter. As she owns 50% of the house contents, it is not theft. And so I'm waiting for the police to tell me what they can stick on her.

Ofcourse, in true BPD style I expect she will tell the police that I did it myself. And convince them of it, too. One little part of me wonders if I will be charged with making a false report.

This is having a negative effect on my family and particularly my elder mother even though we shield her from most of the carry on. My mother came to visit last week and loved the holiday homes which she had never seen before. My friends, sister and nephews were looking forward to spending weekends with me as they have never seen these homes either. Ofcourse all my wife's family and friends have holidayed there but none of mine.

I have some work next week where I have had to get someone in to take my role while I deal with the police. While he is competent my client expects me to be running his project and I'm just too pre-occupied right now. I have neglected my work and my business has suffered and in the last month I managed to turn that around. Now this.

The sense of BPD entitlement is overbearing. She is seeking 100% in settlement and I wonder what she is going to do when she realises that's not how it works. Our division of assets works on contribution so I expect to get 60-70%.

Anybody feel another Jodi Arias coming on?

[david]

My ex emptied our house in 2007. Everything was gone. The house had 47 electrical outlet covers that she removed. I had to buy new ones so I know how many there were. The toilet paper holders in the three bathrooms were gone. I mean everything. Sounds just like your situation. However, she also smashed things, etc. When I got access to the house I started to clean it up. I found a disposable camera in the basement with 6 photos taken. I got them developed. She was taking pictures of everything as she was cleaning the house out. One photo was a Uhaul truck in our driveway. I went to Uhaul and explained that my wife and I moved and we lost the reciept. We needed it for our taxes. He kindly printed one for me. It had wifes name, credit card, drivers license on it. She also rented a storage unit where she put everything. Monthes later she filed a homeowners claim saying I stole everything and she wanted money. They decilned since both names were on the homeowners. The explained in the letter that you can't rob yourself and then make a claim. During equitable distribution she again made a claim on all the things. By then I had dozens of photos of her new place, through the internet, with pictures of the exact things she claimed I had. Equitable distribution went in my favor.

I was upset back then but I do look back and laugh now. She has a whole bunch of things but she still has to live with herself. I have new things and don't have to live with her. Sadly, our two boys still have to deal with her but they have learned to stand up for themselves.

If you are going to refurnish I would make sure you have a security system that sends video to a remote site or on the cloud. Have multiple cameras. Have some outside that are well hidden so you can catch people walking around the property.

If she is keeping all the stuff she has to store it somewhere. Time helped me to expose the truth.

[GaGrl]

My DH let his ex, the uND/BPD he calls The Dark Princess, but his interest in the family home. At the time he moved out, his ex was on a family visit in Thailand, so DD, his daughter and grandaughter were able to l o ad what they wanted/needed fairly easily (around all the hoarded items that TDP had left in the house for 14 years.

However, DH's mistake was leaving his original artwork on the walls  (specified as belonging to h I s daughter in his will). DH found that she was moving the artwork to a new location and literally took one 40x30 oil painting off the U-Haul. He may never get the others. These are copyrighted works of art that he had limited edition prints produced.

Not worth it in the end.

Create something new.

[Aussie0zborn]

I've decided not to let this affect me. I was in a super good place before and I had never been able to enjoy the holiday homes before so I'm not really missing out on anything. As my friend says, "so what, don't worry about it. Let the lawyers handle it" and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Focus on work, focus on the new girl and let the lawyers handle it. I'm not going to let her be the reason for losing any more business. My clients are more important and they are also crucial to my livelihood. She isn't. She was my downfall.

The best revenge is success. (And a beautiful new girlfriend that is normal, genuinely happy  and much much younger than her). I'm going to have a good week. Thanks for the replies and I hope you do too.

[ugghh]

Good for you!

[ForeverDad]

Well, at least a police report will document the current status.  I would think your HOME would be protected even if you're not there?  If she doesn't admit to be the one who orchestrated it, did any neighbors see trucks there?  If you have the company names then you could track down the paperwork on the truck rentals, etc.

I suspect your lawyer will file to get your home, wherever or whichever you choose, declared as your sole possession with your stbEx required to make written request for access and written approval from you?

Even if it doesn't result in action now, then you ought to be able to get the value of the removed items adjusted in the financial reconciliations and division of marital assets and debts.  Oh, and I bet she's racking up debts and hiding assets any way she can.

[Aussie0zborn]

Nobody saw anything but there is a twist... . I rang the locksmiths to get them back to change the locks again.  Their phone diverted to a mobile. After identifying myself I ask for the young guy who did the work, whose name I thought was Bob.  The guy seems vague so I ask if they have a Bob working there. He says he will have to check and will get Bob to call me back, if indeed they have a Bob working there.

I ring again the next day and the receptionist tells me that Bob is out and the manager will call me back.  Manager calls back and tells me he has a letter from her lawyer asking them not to do any more work for me. I suggested its a request and not a Court Order so it's his call.  He gets angry and tells me it was him on the phone the previous day when I called asking for Bob. I don't like his tone and point out there was nothing untoward in me asking for Bob who took my initial phone call, booked the job in and then came out and did it.  Her lawyer knew it was that company that changed the locks and he doesn't want to be involved.

Then the  penny dropped... . Why was this guy angry with me? Why play games  on the phone the previous day? Why the denial of service? I paid  them $750 to change the locks and I felt they went back and undid the work I paid them for so I send him a text message asking if he changed the locks  for her. Just as I expected... . no reply. I call the Police and tell them my suspicion. Within an hour they have him at the police station. The locksmith knows who emptied my homes. Can't wait to hear back from the police.

Seeing as he undid the work I paid him to do, I think Its fair to expect a refund. Their website says that if you are unhappy with their work, they will give you a 200% refund. I'm not only unhappy about their work but also unhappy with their work practises and ethics. So much for being a valued customer.

[Waddams]

They always leave a trial of breadcrumbs to follow.  Hopefully the cops can lean on this guy and get you some information.

[ForeverDad]

They probably don't want to get in the middle of a family dispute.  Likely you'll need the services of a different company.  However, to prevent this from happening again and again, you probably have to get some sort of written residential or possession declaration.  Did your lawyer notify her that since she had possession of the marital home then you were taking possession of one of the other homes, and effectively both per the terms of the RO since they are near each other?  What is the lawyer doing to stop this from happening again and to force the return of Your Personal Items and other items at least in the house you had selected to reside in?  At this rate you two will run out of local locksmiths before summer so lawyer better get on the ball.

It's good to get the police to document the events and parties involved.  Can the police get a copy of the work order and all records including who paid for it?  (If not, your lawyer may have to subpoena the documents.)

If the RO only says she's to keep a distance from you alone, then there may not be much you can do.  If it includes your 'residence' as well, as it ought to, then document it was her that maneuvered it and she's probably sunk even if she wasn't personally there, take that back to the RO court and file for Contempt of Court or whatever applies.  Courts view RO's very seriously.

She knew you were residing there, otherwise how could her lawyer demand that you leave?  Residing equals effective possession.  Just because you were away does not invalidate your possession.

If it didn't violate the RO, then go back to that court and ask to have it modified to include your declared interim residence and have her ordered to return all your personal items and all the items at least from the house you were residing in.

Eventually when this gets before a judge she will look aggressive and bad. How bad is unknown.  Around here we've noted that judges are reluctant to pick winners and losers hoping that will lower the conflict, sadly that doesn't work when dealing with acting-out people with PDs.  The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving properly seldom gets credit - the courts expect the feuding to eventually subside without the judge having to wag a finger at either party.

Your lawyer should be filing motions everywhere.  What's he doing?

[david]

When I went to Uhaul and got the receipt for everything from ex the guy was very helpful. I went back again for something else and they wouldn't give me any info without a court order. I didn't pursue that since I really didn't need to. Your atty would know the best way to proceed to get the info if the police can't help. If the police do help make sure you get a report. Sounds like ex is looking at criminal charges.

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks for your replies. My lawyer advised her of a change of address and pointed to the Restraining Order which refers to my "place of residence from time to time" and my "place of work".

The locksmith has delivered all paperwork to the police. It's up to them now to determine if there was a breach of the Restraining Order. I'm rather dismayed that I paid the locksmith to do a job and he went back a week later and undid the work that I paid him to do. I think he owes me a refund.

A couple of weeks ago she alleged that I drove past the matrimonial home where she still lives despite a Restraining Order against me and the following day I was arrested (and released without charge ofcourse because I was able to prove it never happened). Her local police don't waste time. I reported this matter to my local police seven days ago and nothing has happened yet.

Having BPD, in my opinion, is a real curse and right now her sense of self entitlement is, in her opinion, being violated. Man, that must hurt. We've all seen their emotional turmoil and worked hard to fill their huge emotional void but right now I don't care about her emotional problems. They're not my responsibility any more. I just want to live in a house that we own just like she lives in a house that we own. And I want do it peacefully and free of harassment so that I can prepare my case for settlement and continue to enjoy my new life without her, without her problems, without her issues and without all my energy and attention being sucked from me and devoured by that insatiable beast known as Borderline Personality Disorder.

[david]

Make sure you get police reports when you were arrested and later released because you could prove where you were. It shows her inability to tell the truth. That by itself probably will not change anything. Having multiple examples of the same kind of behaviors will help.

[Waddams]

I've wondered how to kick start a criminal investigation into false accusations.  Would it help to file a separate police report on the incident?  Then let them forward it to a detective, etc. for investigation and try to get them to file criminal charges over it?

[maxen]

is any of the stuff she took easily identifiable? in case it comes up for sale?

[ForeverDad]

The locksmith has delivered all paperwork to the police. It's up to them now to determine if there was a breach of the Restraining Order.

It may not tell how the items were removed, unless the locksmith stated that to the police.  But at least it reveals who was paying for the locks to be changed again.  Let's hope they told the police whether she was present there.  The locksmith likely stopped talking with you when it was realized there was huge conflict and possible legal consequences and that's why you got the run-around with them. 

I don't know what the laws are in your local area, province, state or country but this is how I see it:

1.  Family court would likely view view it all, excluding your personal items, as marital assets to be divided later in the divorce case when the financial reconciliations and related aspects are handled.

2.  You (your lawyer) can ask, file or seek contempt for taking your personal items (and any items you bought since separation such as the security system) while you had an RO and seeking their immediate return.

3.  You (your lawyer) can ask, file or seek contempt for taking marital assets from your residence while you had an RO and seeking their immediate return until property disposition is decided later in the divorce case.

If she just took a few things under normal post-separation scenarios, I don't think court would be all that peeved with her.  But (1) totally emptying them while you reside and (2) you having an RO, then that ought to be a huge No-No.  This is above and beyond all normal or expected divorcing behavior.  I hope your lawyer is not a passive deal-maker in this instance.

Be aware that months from now, with this well in the past, the court and lawyers will let this slide by as just a bump in the road, that's why, if anything meaningful will be done, it has to be soon.  Another risk is it all later being denied or they simply disappear.  That's where photos and other documentation is so helpful.

[livednlearned]

If she just took a few things under normal post-separation scenarios, I don't think court would be all that peeved with her.  But (1) totally emptying them while you reside and (2) you having an RO, then that ought to be a huge No-No.  This is above and beyond all normal or expected divorcing behavior.  I hope your lawyer is not a passive deal-maker in this instance.

Be aware that months from now, with this well in the past, the court and lawyers will let this slide by as just a bump in the road, that's why, if anything meaningful will be done, it has to be soon.  Another risk is it all later being denied or they simply disappear.  That's where photos and other documentation is so helpful.

My lawyer advised me to return to the marital home with a moving van and remove what was mine. By advise, I mean that she said, "I'm not advising you to do this, but this happens a lot, where a spouse empties the house, and nothing happens. Some lawyers and judges will think you are smart to get ahead of the squabbling over things, because no one wants to hear it. A client of mine emptied everything right down to the wall sconces and there were no repercussions."

I didn't remove all the belongings, only the furniture I brought into the marriage, all of my things, and everything that belonged to S12. But still. It's one of those things that's really common. The moving guy had to wait 15 until my ex was at work, and when he showed up, he and the other movers knew exactly what was going on. They see it all the time.

All this is to say that FD is right -- the RO is what will make this bad for her.

[ForeverDad]

And the kicker is that she is already living in a fully furnished home.  It's not like she was disadvantaged or having to live on someone else's floor.  All she is going to do with what she removed is to store it, sell it, give it away or hide it.

Like a 3 year old, I get it all and if I don't... . if I can't have it then neither can you.

[Aussie0zborn]

All the points raised above are in my opinion totally valid. I won't spell out my lawyer's  strategy right now but Im hoping the police will come good on this occasion.

Everything she took is mostly identifiable, particularly if it's seen together in one lot. I have photos of each and every room, fully furnished.

I believe the locksmith will be able to tell us who emptied the houses. I understand he is not happy to be involved but I went to him in good faith, wasn't doing anything illegal or untoward. I wouldn't be surprised if he did the work again at no charge after being intimidated by the convicted drug dealer/thug New Guy. I can't imagine any other reason that he would be sore with me.  All he had to do was say, "we've changed them once, we have a letter from her lawyer who knows it was us and asked us not to do it again and we just don't want to be involved".

Thanks for all your support and advice.

[maxen]

Everything she took is mostly identifiable, particularly if it's seen together in one lot. I have photos of each and every room, fully furnished.