Is she really gone forever?

[newc1992]

Ok, so I have been posting on this forum quite a bit recently, it has been making a very difficult time in my life much easier to overcome. Receiving advice from those with more experience of BPD is so appreciated right now. So, my latest post... . My undiagnosed BPDexgf would appear to be gone forever. I would like to know the chances of her ever returning, in the opinion's of those on this site (I know that I shouldn't wish for this, but I am finding it hard to detach right now.

Me and my ex met at university in the UK. We are both British but I live near London whilst she lives in Spain. We have been NC for around six weeks until yesterday when I texted her to wish her a happy 21st birthday (she never texted back). She is currently at home in Spain to celebrate her birthday, and I believe that she is probably going to stay there until around the start of May now, but nobody has confirmation from her on this. She has painted me black and as a result, I doubt that she will contact me on her return. University finishes in May, after which she will most likely be moving to London (I live around an hour from London), so I cannot see her making any effort to contact me in the future, since she is moving onto the next chapter of her life (she has blocked me on facebook, twitter, etc.).

I do need to exchange a few personal belongings with her before she leaves (she has something that is of great sentimental value to me), and she did make contact at the start of February to attempt to do this, but has since made no efforts to meet up.

I know that many posts talk of BPD re-engaging after a period of NC and after giving you the silent treatment, but I simply cannot see this happening right now. From what I gather, she has no need to contact me, nor has she any need to return to the UK in the near future, so I can imagine that she is out of my life forever now.

In your experience, what are the chances of her initiating some form of contact in the future? Most of her friends have realised that she is disordered and have given up on her. I will be texting her in a few weeks time regarding the return of my personal belongings, but if she does not wish to see me, I will have to send somebody to get them on my behalf... .

I am still not over this relationship, and whilst her being in a foreign country for a considerable amount of time is likely to be good for my healing, it does upset me that I will probably never speak to this person again. Even to be civil with her would be more encouraging than the current scenario of silent treatment and hatred.

Once again, I appreciate any advice.

[Surnia]

I am sorry, newc1992, that you have difficult times! 

Predict her is very difficult. That she does not return something could be a sign that there is some attachment from her part too. Or shame about her leaving.

Yes, many members here are reporting a contact again - and often just when they start to feel good in their new lives.

What is it what you want, just talk to her or continue the relationship?

[newc1992]

Hi Surnia, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I understand that these people are unpredictable, although I am looking for ways to seek comfort during this difficult time. I was managing ok, but the thought of never seeing her again has just brought everything flooding back to me. I do think that she feels shame, and the fact that she knows that I know that she is disordered is probably what is keeping me painted black and preventing her return, since I have seen no evidence of her replacing me as yet... . I do not think that she is attached, as surely this is what they want? Attachment to someone so that they can get over their fears of abandonment?

At this point in time, I just want to talk to her. I would like the opportunity to rekindle some form of bond between us. If she decides that she doesn't want anything to do with me then so be it. At least I have tried. But if I am unable to even contact her i will feel upset as I have not even been able to attempt to be painted white again. I just hope that if there is some form of bond there, she may begin to realise what she missed at some stage and may attempt a recycle. Whether I will allow a recycle attempt to happen or not, I do not know, but to be given the opportunity and the gratification that our relationship at least meant something to her would be nice. I was her second serious relationship and treated her like a princess. I am the second boyfriend to meet her parents, who think that I am a really nice guy (I got along especially well with her dad).

Thanks again for any advice. It is much needed right now!

[coolioqq]

I empathize with your emotional pain. I feel it too as I am in a similar situation.

However, I realized that keeping the well-being of self is primary in situations where partner exhibits strong BPD traits or is diagnosed with BPD (as in my case). I would never believe how emotionally draining it is to be involved with someone with BPD. As you said, distance helps tremendously, and it is probably best to focus on ourselves at this point. In my case, I remain NC and am currently introspecting to find causes for getting into a relationship with someone who sent me mixed signals all along.

You may consider doing what is probably best for you at this point: focusing on yourself.

[Pecator]

Hey newc, I am on board with you about the just having a civil conversation. I would do anything to hear her acknowledge that what we had meant something.

She is undiagnosed and will stay that way. An unskilled therapist touched too many of her dark sides. She has made a solemn oath never to let anyone "into her psychology."

We have had six or seven recycles and the break-ups seemed to be lessening in severity. We had a fantastic holiday season together except I noticed her creating a narrative that pointed to my faults and hardly based on any facts. Then a week into the new year I was living with a friend and she wouldn't speak to me at all. By the next week she tracked down the man she used to hurt me in an earlier breakup. That poor guy has no idea how much she has lied to rope him back (she crushed him to recycle with me).

Now any contact I try threatens to expose her to the replacement. she won't even read my emails.

I have asked for closure. We never even said goodbye to each other. Now she has walled herself up so that there is no room for contact. I dream of being able to reach the point of saying we did our best, but circumstances wouldn't allow it.

That will never come

Yet I can't let go. I love this woman. Hope is the only thing I have left.

That is the crazy-making stuff this place is helping with.

I found an article that was very insightful. I am new here so i don't remember how I tripped up on it. I bookmarked it. https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

it is entitled "Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder"

I am trying to wrap my head around the term "loaded relationship bond"

Some of the most powerful words I have read around here are "you are not alone."


You are not alone newc

[newc1992]

Pecator - it's always reassuring to realise that you are not alone and that other people are enduring similar experiences to yourself. Like me, you are not alone on this.

Your situation sounds incredibly like mine. She was so excited to have me going to visit her and her family in Spain. I didn't really want to go due to the costs involved, but this triggered her abandonment fears and she became very upset at the prospect of not seeing me over Christmas. Our first day or two was fantastic. I can honestly say that I have never been happier. But after a couple of days, she changed. She suddenly became very cold and distant, claiming that she was stressed and needed some "space". After a small argument she explained that she thought we should go on a "break", but for the remaining time I was with her, she gave me the silent treatment and was acting as though we had already broken up. Despite this, she expected to remain in the loop and said that despite us being on a break she still cared and I could still speak to her. Yet, she pushed me away whenever I tried to contact her, saying I wasn't giving her space (the classic "push/pull" characteristic of BPD).

Even though we initially broke up on good terms, a lack of closure from her meant that I decided to look through her old phone. I discovered that she was already looking for a new relationship and had slept with her ex on her return to the UK. I found that me and him were her only serious relationships, and that she cannot hold down a boyfriend for any real length of time, usually ending it after a few weeks.

My point in explaining all of this is that we know that BPD are disordered, they will never think like us. The situations I have seen on this board repeat themselves over and over again. Whilst I want to be civil with my ex, I will probably never see her, nor speak to her again. It upsets me, but I know that in the long term this is for the best. We cannot change these people, Pecator, but at least we know that we can find some comfort in knowing that, in reality, neither can anyone else.

[Split black]

Ive been split black 4 times... .   Each time worse then the last. I discovered that she was cheating and everything was lies on top of lies... . story after false story until she had no more room to move and I exposed her. She split me black a couple of weeks ago. Ive had no contact for 5 days.

I know you want to hear she is coming back. Most recycle exes. But thats all you're ever going to be Im afraid.  She might if you go NC... . if you grovel and beg your going to get stomped on. If she feels like she needs something from you, she might come back. She might come back when she is done using whoever she is with at the moment... .   If she comes back, you will get more of the same treatment.

I wish I pulled the trigger... .    Im in such exquisite pain. Nothing is worth this. Nothing.

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Newc1992

The first thing I would ask is are you certain she has BPD ? If she is un diagnosed it could be anything.  There are many similar symptoms that are normal human behaviour and it can be confusing at times. 

I have a very special friend,  'Significant Other' ,  who I have known for 6 years now and who is diagnosed BPD , I guess I am 'privileged' to at least have that confirmation, and I have been put through just about every classic BPD drama possible.  Many times she has ceased all communication and many times I have thought 'this is it',  this is the last time I'll ever hear from her. Each time , after a few days or a few weeks whatever her circumstances are, she eventually gets in touch again.   ( I am currently enduring the longest of these times at the moment, it has been 9 months since I last saw her , she has started reaching out by sending small pleasant texts just to keep in touch, (about once a fortnight) ,  if I respond, she does not answer.  I think she just likes to know I am still there.  They all seem to recycle eventually, I have got involved with other things , old hobbies that I lost interest in when she took over my life, I still love her very much but I won't let her wreck my life again.    I wish you luck, if she is BPD you are in for a rough time and there is no possibility of a normal adult relationship, you have to accept her as she is if you want her back as it will always be a 90/10 situation , you will put in 90 percent , she will put in 10 per cent if you're lucky, and it will always be about her needs , untill she finds another man to latch onto, and he will be in for the same treatment, and so it goes on. 

[newc1992]

Thanks for your responses. Yes, I am quite certain that she has BPD. Not only does she demonstrate all of the traits, but other people who knew her say that she is "crazy", and my mother, who has a keen interest in psychology, said that when she met her, my ex seemed to be "not all there", but that she never mentioned this to me as she knew that I loved her. My friend has a friend with BPD, and he said that she is uncannily similar in many ways. The whole push/pull during our relationship, the drama she caused throughout to get attention, the desperate attempts to find my replacement, and her obvious fear of abandonment are further evidence of this. The only reason I wrote "undiagnosed" is due to the fact that she has not been clinically diagnosed (that I am aware of) although she apparently does now admit to having a "problem". Although I am not sure if she just said that so as to get her friends back... .

You are right in that she doesn't deserve me. Deep down I realise this, as if she was to return it would only be because she has nobody else. I guess, fortunately for me, everytime she seems to be most alone, she finds another person to sleep with, which must take away the pain and emotion for her, at least for a short time... .

I won't lie, I do want her back, but I know that it will never work. All the promises she made weren't real, she just wanted reassurance that I was there for her. It's just so hard to believe that all I saw was a "mask"; nobody has ever seen her true personality. She had her previous ex in a similar position to me when her and I first got together. She would paint him black, ignore his calls and treat him like dirt. But eventually she reached out by meeting him to return some lost belongings and decided that she was "indifferent" now and could be friends with him. The difference is, he dumped her (although she told me she dumped him), they were together for a year and a half (her longest relationship - I was her second longest), and she still seemed to have feelings for him, despite denying this (they had a difficult relationship, always breaking up and getting back together. He cheated on her numerous times).

The only vague attempts I have seen to reach out to me have been when she texted me to ask if I still had some of her clothes. She explained that she had my top, so I suggested that we meet each other and exchange items. This was 2 weeks into NC, and I have heard nothing from her since. She has recently been engaging with some of my friends on Facebook and blocked me on Twitter and Snapchat, despite us being into over a month of NC. All of this seemed strange to me, but friends who know her have said that she is probably trying to get at me in some way or to create drama. any contact I have made (one text on her birthday last week) has been ignored. I know that it is common for BPD's to recycle their exes, but I cannot see her ever making contact again. I am blacker than black right now, and she seems to have forgotten I even exist. She is being very spiteful and has likely decided that she is done with me for good. Yes, she has recycled exes previously, but with one, there were still feelings, and with another it was to get back at another ex who broke up with her.

[Split black]

I know that it is common for BPD's to recycle their exes, but I cannot see her ever making contact again. I am blacker than black right now, and she seems to have forgotten I even exist. Yes, she has recycled exes previously, but with one, there were still feelings, and with another it was to get back at another ex who broke up with her.

Im in the same boat. I know you want her to call. I want mine to beg me back. Not gonna happen.  Its a horrible, miserable feeling... . this mind numbing waiting for a call that will never come. You need to get a hold of your testicles and understand that this kind of insane rejection is coming from a person that cant feel anything and never will. Oh yeah, she can feel when shes wronged in her twisted mind.  This has nothing to do with you. It is a hard thing to wrap your mind around. Jesus, I dont want to be lied to and cheated on, humiliated, beat down like into a whining whimpering emasculated shell of the man I was before this toxic skank sunk her fangs into me, ever again. 4 times was enough for me! Being with her is like being in a sensory deprivation tank. Every miserable word out of her slippery pie hole was a lie. Ok not every word... . 97%.  Wanting her to call says more about a core issue within US and has nothing to do with her. What we are going thru is withdrawal... . gut wrenching bile producing anguish from someone that is not worthy of our time or affection. I know this doesn't make it any easier... .   but the sooner you accept reality for what it is... . the faster you can pull yourself up and out of this pit of despair and longing. 

[Mike_confused]

In my considerable experience with my BPDw, she will very likely recycle you.