He's back…ugh

[guitargrl]

Well its been a month and a half and the end of the week I noticed calls coming in.  Every day another one.  I have been ignoring.  Tonight came a call with a long msg about how he is thinking about me and the kids, how he cares for us so much, how he cannot understand why things ended so abruptly…(uh…hum perhaps because he lost it over my son sleeping in my bed, decided that was terrible and that meant I didn't love him then told me how evil and awful I was and he wished he never met me and hopes he never sees me again and that he hates me)….why do they do this? Why does it still pull at my heart.  I am so happy I am leaving on vacation in 2 days…for two weeks and will have no phone access or anything.  I miss something still…I am doing a ton better but I still miss things... he sent me music that he was playing and he knows that will get to me. Help…I can't go back I can't be sucked back in, but I feel like I should respond and say thanks for the kindness.  Why should I be kind to him though, why am I still so worried about his feelings…he could care less about me and my children when I am laying here in pain... .

[GopherAgent]

GuitarGirl... .

You miss his kindness?

Sounds like he has said more unkind and hurtful things than kind ones.

Out of curiosity... . have you ever looked at the percentage of unkind words, threats, rages, and accusations vs the kind words.

This struck a cord with me (sorry for the musical reference) that I know only too well. It only dawned on me last year now that I began to understand this thing (the madness, as I see it) that there was a significant disparity in the amount of unkind words said to me and about me from my SO vs the kind and supportive things we all need to hear on a regular basis.

Now that I listen more and react less to the rages and rants... . I see this disparity and understand a little better about why I reacted the way I did and just how unbalanced this whole thing is. Now I see with more clarity that there is this dynamic that just happens with this illness that I expect will always attack me and deliberately try to debase me because of how they twist up their world and how everything and everyone is out to get them. After all, he doesn't worry about your feelings, I bet.

Anyway... . Step back and don't get sucked in. Don't put too much effort in worrying about responding because as you already know, you can never respond the right way any way.

Yes... . It's a disappointment and it hurts not to be respected and talked too nicely. But there are other people out there who do say kind things and don't disparage the ones they say they love.

And GuitarGirl... . soothe away your hurts and play yourself a good song to lift your spirits.

[guitargrl]

Thank you GopherAgent…

You say so many things that are so right on… my goodness the anger and unkindness was 80 percent to 20 percent kindness which was always fantasy idolizing kindness anyway… never normal.  Ugh… yes playing music tonight going on vacation with my children…life is good! I just wish I felt absolutely nothing for him.

Thanks!

[fromheeltoheal]

I realized and accepted after a while that I had fallen in love with someone who doesn't exist, a fantasy, created by the combination of a borderline's life or death need to attach, and the expert skills that go with it, and my own hopes and dreams.  I can still be in love with that fantasy, in fact those feelings are pure and real, validation that I'm capable of it, now the goal is to take that out in the world and meet a real, healthy girl who is worthy of it.  My borderline ex never was and never could be.

My ex was capable of what I perceived as genuine kindness, and thinking it was a conscious ploy of hers to affect an attachment is giving her too much credit, she really felt it in spurts, short ones, on her way to the cruelty that was predominant, none of it under her control; no emotional state was sustainable for very long, and accepting the responsibility for those states nearly drove me insane.

So is it really kindness you're perceiving, or your hope that he has it in him, and your drive to feel it?

I certainly don't owe mine anything, and it's time to shift the focus entirely to what is best for us, take care of us, since we're the only ones who will.  You didn't ask me for advice, but if it was me I wouldn't respond at all, or if I did it would be something along the lines of Please do not contact me again; once there's a crack it's too easy to open the door.  Take care of you!

[GopherAgent]

fromheeltohead... .

Wow... . You've put into words some of the very things I've gone through. You post is very well stated and honest.

For so long, I held on the to hope that she "was" capable of kindness, etc. without the realization of how deep the illnesses manifest and overpowering effects held her constrained and enslaved to it. My blindness to this influence in her life made me react in ways that I now regret and that I am ashamed of.

Yes... . I "hoped" that she had it in her... . only to get more frustrated and disappointed and discouraged as the years went by.

Then I stumbled onto the BPD web sites and other related information and now I can see what is going on here.

Needless to say, my "hope" about this situation is now more realistic and more focused on rebuilding my character and healing my hurts so I can decide how to move forward.

[HealingForMe]

Then I stumbled onto the BPD web sites and other related information and now I can see what is going on here.

Needless to say, my "hope" about this situation is now more realistic and more focused on rebuilding my character and healing my hurts so I can decide how to move forward.

I've found the same. Total confusion, but being on here has given me answers to many of my questions; strength knowing that others are going through the same things & encouragement that things will get better.

Stay strong guitargrl. You're not alone here... .

[Dog biscuit]

I realized and accepted after a while that I had fallen in love with someone who doesn't exist, a fantasy, created by the combination of a borderline's life or death need to attach, and the expert skills that go with it, and my own hopes and dreams.  I can still be in love with that fantasy, in fact those feelings are pure and real, validation that I'm capable of it, now the goal is to take that out in the world and meet a real, healthy girl who is worthy of it.  My borderline ex never was and never could be.

My ex was capable of what I perceived as genuine kindness, and thinking it was a conscious ploy of hers to affect an attachment is giving her too much credit, she really felt it in spurts, short ones, on her way to the cruelty that was predominant, none of it under her control; no emotional state was sustainable for very long, and accepting the responsibility for those states nearly drove me insane.

Wow! Thanks fromhealtoheal for putting things so clearly in to words!

[Stjarna]

Wow, fromheeltoheal, thank you for that post.  You articulated that so nicely.  Thank goodness for these boards and the different voices all contributing.  Clarity for me has been a result.

And thank you also, GopherAgent, for this:

For so long, I held on the to hope that she "was" capable of kindness, etc. without the realization of how deep the illnesses manifest and overpowering effects held her constrained and enslaved to it. My blindness to this influence in her life made me react in ways that I now regret and that I am ashamed of.

How deep the illness goes, and how we each get to that realization is so key in the detachment process. 

And, Guitargrl, I've been where you have been.  I think that those of us who walk the earth with a natural kindness for all are the ones who are particularly vulnerable to these relationships.  Turn that kindness towards yourself.  Know that there will be sentimental moments, songs that trigger you, and some happy memories will start to shine while the painful ones diminish.  But stay on your path.  If your experience is like mine, the truth of the depth of the disorder will rise up again, and when you are far enough away from it that you can observe it from a distance and from a new awareness, you will wonder how you could ever have let your precious self be treated like that, even for a moment. 

[willy45]

Ugh is right.

Everything is the same here. Fell in love with a fantasy. The reality was not the sweetness and the caring. The reality was the sweetness and caring intermixed with abusive attacks and g*d knows what else (I'm sure a lot more I didn't know about).

And yes. The surprise and shock that we pull away. That is yet another trap. Making us feel like we are the crazy one's. I have been 1.5 years out. My ex called. Told me she didn't understand why her soul mate would leave her. Same as you... . Because I would have to hide from you under the bed constantly in the middle of the night when you yelled and screamed at me for waking you up (for rolling over in bed). Surprise! That doesn't make someone want to stick around.

Ugh. For sure.