Help Unsure about boundaries

[missmyseester]

My uBPsis recently is in her "don't leave me" upswing part of the cycle. She wants to meet up and "chat" about what we have missed in each others lives the last 4-6months. She does NOT want to talk or "drudge up" the past. Ya... . because she doesn't want to acknowledge ANYTHING! I sent a nicely written email setting my boundaries (basically said we NEED to talk about the recent crap to understand each other better. Preferably with a therapist). She replied today still saying she doesn't think therapy/talking about it will help and that she would maybe consider therapy IF our first few meetups go horribly bad.

Do I meet up with her and just be a neutral tight-lipped robot? Or do I stick to my boundaries and keep the rift between us going? I honestly feel better not dealing with her BS/drama. I just feel like I'm giving up on her if I follow through with my boundaries.

Help!

[Up In the Air]

Hi missmyseester,  

I just read your last post - it was very well written. If I were you, I would look at what you've clearly put out there for her. You stated what you are willing to do and not willing to do. If her response back to you is to compromise what you just recently stated you are willing to do, then you'll have to decide if that compromise is violating your boundaries that are in place.

My uBPD MIL loves to dictate how things will happen. If we ever compromise, she'll push her limits to make us bend more. I think it makes her feel like she has more power or is testing us to see how much we really mean that we love her.

This whole thing doesn't have to be black and white. Let her perceive you as she needs/wants to. You know that what you're trying to accomplish is good. You've been honest and clear. If she wants to push your limits, then it's an indicator that she's not completely willing to work things out with you, that she must feel she can convince you of her side.

Do I meet up with her and just be a neutral tight-lipped robot? Or do I stick to my boundaries and keep the rift between us going? I honestly feel better not dealing with her BS/drama. I just feel like I'm giving up on her if I follow through with my boundaries.

You're not the only one involved here... . to say that your actions would keep the 'rift' going isn't exactly what I see from my angle. You're clearly ready to come to the table and heal. These relationships are so hard and it's easy in our position to feel like we're causing the problem, when in reality, we are only responding to what's happening. You must put yourself, your feelings, your boundaries - everything first, because let's be honest, she won't.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, missmyseester,

I just had an opportunity to reply to your earlier thread. I shared some workshops on boundaries and communication there that might help.

This whole thing doesn't have to be black and white. Let her perceive you as she needs/wants to.

I think this is really good advice. You can't change your sister's feelings or how she (or anyone else) sees you. All you can do is make sure you are living your values. Does that make sense?

PF

[GeekyGirl]

Hi missmysister,

You've been given some good advice from P.F. Change and Up In the Air. 

What would happen if you did meet up with her and say nothing, or act like a tight-lipped robot? What do you hope would happen if you meet with a therapist? I don't blame you for not wanting the conflict, but you have to determine what you'll do if your sister doesn't want to adhere to your boundaries, and that's something it sounds like you'll have to face.

What has worked for me with my BPD mother is to set some smaller, positive, not-as-threatening boundaries instead of large ones. Instead of telling her, "You cannot be alone with my son," I control the atmosphere so she isn't alone with him. I tell her what is ok instead of what isn't. "Mom, I know you want to celebrate [son's] birthday, and we're asking everyone to come to his baseball games this year instead of buying presents," goes a lot more smoothly than, ":)on't buy [son] any presents." Sometimes telling people what they can do works a lot better than telling them what they can't do.

Let us know what you decide to do--either way, we're here for you. 

[Tiredbride313]

Hi missmyseester,

My uBPD mother has tried a similar tactic as well - that she just wants to talk and "forget about the past". I tried to play along by keeping conversation neutral and tiptoeing around, hoping things will blow over, but it was always a matter of time before she found something to blow up at me about again and try to draw me into her web of drama. For me, there was no other option but to go NC. 

It's so important to know your boundaries and set them clearly. I don't see this as keeping the rift going as much as I see it as a way to protect your emotional health and well-being. You can bend over backwards to try and please her, but I've found it's never enough for people with BPD. They will always find a reason to continue the rift and create conflict. All you can control is how you respond to it.

Go with your intuition. It's not easy, and I'm working on this also, but try not to feel guilty or that you're giving up on her by setting boundaries. You have to take care of yourself.