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Dog biscuit
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« on: March 25, 2014, 04:49:16 AM » |
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I needed this fantasy love, this relationship, his 'love' to restore my faith in love and men. To restore my lack of selfconfidence, and to ease my loneliness.
I was gullible and deeply in love.
My selfworth was eroded, and the relationship gave me a boost and a clear purpose. I took care of him, so I could ignore the rest of my life. My small life where so many things are lacking.
I loved him so deeply. I loved him with whole my heart. :'(
I felt so sorry for him that he had to experience the dead of his former girlfriend, I cried for his fate many times, and wanted to nurture/love his pain away. I wanted to make him happy and strong again. I wanted for him to shine again.
There where clues he wasnt trustworthy. There where clues he wasnt stable. There where clues he was destructive. I saw it, but I thought I was safe from harm because of the suicide. I thought he learned his lesson in a way. I needed him as much as he needed me, only for different reasons.
I gave him the best of me. I supported him as much as I could. I didnt support myself. It was a fantasy love that I wanted desperate to believe in. I needed it, because I felt so unloved and lonely before he came into my life.
I have never been very good at relationships. I always felt very insecure about my abbility to be able to have a loving relationship. Altough I am not unattractive and have a lot of love to offer, I never could seem to find my match. I was always to scared to fully commit to someone, and felt the most safe when there was enough distance between me and my partner. I am affraid to get engulfed by love. Maybe I am somewhat BPD myself regarding my relationship attachment style. My attachment style is insecure and somewhat anxiuos.
I need a lot of alone time, and spend a lot of time being single in between relationships. I was single for three years before I met him.
I never lived together or got married to someone. I am halfway my 40ties. So when my ex appeared it looked like a fit. He lived in another city, and was polyamorous ( wich meant he had another girlfriend with whom he lives togheter). He came accros as sincere and true in his polyamourous nature. He was able to love more people at the same time. It is a concept I can understand and respect, although I am monogamous by nature.
I checked him out, I checked his credibility and trustworthyness, but then the suicide happend, and everything got highspeed. Because of the suicide we became to close to fast. I felt it happening but wasnt able to stop it because of the dramatic circumstance. I felt how we where connecting to fast on a to deep level. It scared me hitless.
He needed so much emotional support ( or that was what I thought) that I could not let him drop and keep my distance. Whitin two weeks after our first date we were talking about life and death, the meaning of life, our history's, suicide, love and life.
There was no time anymore to check him out in a normal pace. We were way beyond that phase to fast.
By nature I am very carefull before I let someone into my heart. I am not the kind of person who gets sweeped of her feet easily. But this time I was deeply involved with im before I knew it.
I tried to slow it down by not initiating a r/s with him after the suicide. I held it off as much as i could. But after two months we where in a r/s.
I met his primairy girlfriend and she seemed nice but emotionally distant. She was fine with him being polyamorous, as she is herself. Maybe some people may think it was all about sex or physical lust, but it wasnt. At least not for me. And according to him he was looking for true love, albeit in an alternative way. I had many conversation with him about it, with him and with his primary girlfriend, I never been involved with someone polyamorous before, so I read and I read and asked questions about his view on being poly.
I though it was a perfect fit for me. Me being monogamous and needing enough personal space, and him needing love and a meaningfull second relationship.
We saw each other every two weeks for a long weekend, and sometimes a spontanious visit in between. In the mean time we skyped and mailed. It was okay for me. I felt not jealous of his primairy gf, I had a lot of respect for their lifestyle and r/s and the time they spend togheter. I could handle it well. He on the other hand could not handle it so well.
He started pushing me, he wanted to see me more often, wanted more time togheter, whenever I was busy living my life he would freak out and create drama. I did not wanted more time togheter, for me it was fine as it was. I needed the time in between. He wanted to skype everyday, he wanted long emails every day, he wanted contact everyday, I didnt. I set a boundary early on about having contact every other day, and that was allready very intense and time consuming. He always pushed against it. Whenever he would text me, and I couldnt respond immediatly, he would freak out or get paranoid, or rage like a madmen. He needed constant reassurance, and i didnt understand it. I thought it was because of the suicide. I thought he was insecure and vulnerable because of the suicide. I thoughthe was clingy because of the suicide, I thought he was controling because of the suicide. Now I believe just the opposite to be true. I believe his former gf maybe commited suicide because of his controlling nature.
His behavoir became more bizar as time went on and our rs evloved. He wanted more, and more of my time, of my heart, of my being, and I gave it. It was never enough. I could never do it right. If I was to available he would freak out, when I wasnt available enough for him, he would freak out to.
He relied on me so heavely, he poured out all his pain and desperation on me. I felt so sorry for him, but wondered why he didnt seek support from his primairy gf. He wanted 24/7 reassurance and contact. I didnt understand anything about his rs with his primairy gf.
I took care of him, I set boundaries, I took care of the fact that he didnt get engulfed. I kept my distance and my autonomy as much as I could.
To me it was a seriuos rs, we where lovers and partners, him being poly wasnt a problem for me, and still isnt. The problems we encountered had not much to do with the polynature of the r/s. At least not for me.
I started to believe he was traingulating me and his primairy gf. I started to believe he needed the rs with me to hold on to his primary gf and to protect her from his crazyness. I got all the crazyness and the rages, not her. I got all the mixed messages, the push and pull, not she. I got all his grieve and pain, not she. I started to believe his polyature was not a choice of an idealistic mind but a neccesaty for him to maintain a stable rs with his primairy gf.
I started to believe he was using me. I started to believe his behavior had nothing to do with the suicide of his former gf. I started to see a pattern of emotional abuse and opportunitism.
To me it was a seriuos rs, we spend more time being in touch/mailing/texting/calling than I ever have in another rs. We wrote and talked so much. He was totally focused on me. I often asked him, and wondered how much time he spend with his primary gf. I stayed out of their rs and wanted him to spend enough time with his primary gf. Arghhh, I was a good girl ruling his agenda for him.
I lost myself in this rs. And that is something I struggle with. I lost myself because my life was lonely and empty. Because I dont know how to take care of my own needs properly. I dont know how to shape my life to my satisfaction. I feel powerless/helpless and insecure.
Now the rs is over, I am facing my life and my failures. I feel overwhelmt by it. I have to build my life and I dont know where to start. I dont want to feel victimized anymore.
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