Question on closure and has anyone received it from their exBPD partner?

[barbwire911]

I was just curious as to why when we email or ask to discuss issues and get no reply, we then further communicate that obviously the  person with BPD does not wish to talk (for whatever reason) and obviously the relationship was over. Still silence. So we ask for closure and send an email and again still no response. Why can those with this disorder not offer any closure nor why do they not just respond to emails about disagreements?

I mean some of these disagreements are so trivial... . and I even try apologizing for my part in things (it seems my exwBPD always focused on "all the mean things I said" yet his stuff somehow was always justified in being said... . ) and still get no response.  I have been NC for 9 days now after emailing a final email saying "well this silence is ridiculous and just stay out of my life forever now once and for good and do not come back again as you have done in the past as I am not here for you."

if someone sent me that I would say "well I have known this person for a year now and I am not perfect and make mistakes as they do so I at least owe it to them to say where I stand and my feelings on this issue and so forth."

Is it a concscious thing they do where they see us reaching out for closure or trying to communicate and they just silent treat us to make us squirm?  Has anyone actually ever gotten a response to a request for closure in a timely and respectable manner from their person with BPD whether it be a relationship or friendship they were in?

Mine loves silent treatment yet he always agreed communication was huge and when he did something wrong even if I was mad I always did not want him feeling he did not know where he stood so always told him where I stood. Whether it be I needed space, etc.  I must be painted black as black when mine paints as he does silence for a few months... .

But 9 days NC and I am feeling good although i still have ups and downs and crying moments and missing moments and would just love to know what i did that made him go like this... . I mean it could be any number of things in our last argument but it has been almost 3 weeks now and not a peep. Yes there is a replacement too so I get that is part of it and I caught him and phoned him to confront and he immediately changed being normal to lashing out and hanging up the phone. My 2 nice emails and the last one 9 days ago unanswered completely... .

[blissful_camper]

Is it a concscious thing they do where they see us reaching out for closure or trying to communicate and they just silent treat us to make us squirm?  Has anyone actually ever gotten a response to a request for closure in a timely and respectable manner from their person with BPD whether it be a relationship or friendship they were in?

I don't know the answer. 

At times I think it is because they don't want to say goodbye.  Closure means endings.  It could be a trigger for them.

Or, they are consciously being abusive.  My ex used silent treatment as a form of punishment and I'm not the only one who experienced that with him. In his previous relationships there was no closure for his ex-wives, partners. 

He refused closure to me too, until many months after the break up.  He apologized and acknowledged that his problems led to the demise of our relationship.  By then, I'd already found closure on my own.   

[cosmonaut]

My personal and not at all expert view on the matter is that it's just too hard for a pwBPD.  It's too emotional to say goodbye.  The core abandonment issues of BPD make saying goodbye an agonizingly painful event.  It seems that the only time when pwBPD can easily say goodbye is when they already have another attachment (i.e. replacement) lined up.  Otherwise, the period of being alone is very scary and painful for the pwBPD.

It is very hard for us, however, because we need closure.  We need to talk about things.  We need to understand what went wrong.  We need to know if there is a way to repair the relationship.  With most people these things can all be discussed, but they can't with a pwBPD.  It's just too much for them to deal with on an emotional level.  I also think that some pwBPD know that they are responsible for the failure of the relationship and feel deep shame about it.  So, they hide from us.

[Murbay]

barbwire, it really depends on what kind of closure you are expecting.

If you are expecting answers or an apology, chances are you won't get that kind of closure. pwBPD lack the inability to deal with their own feelings and project them on to others so you are more likely to be blamed for the demise of the r/s.

In terms of how you seek closure, it is most likely something you have to find within. I know for a fact that I won't ever get answers from my exBPDw and for the longest part last year that's all I could ever think about.

My closure finally came last month when after a year of NC, my ex contacted my mother and begged her not to hang up, she wanted to know why nobody had contacted her to see how she was. That's when everything finally made sense and while I spent the year seeking answers, understanding my role and personal growth, she is still in the very same place in her life and won't ever change. That's when it became real and I could finally let go, it was the closure I needed but not in the way I was expecting.

Find closure within and be the best person you can be for you 

[oldweasel]

Barbwire,

I know I will never get closure either from my ex either, due to her lack of empathy. After I sent my "goodbye" email (because it was total blackout when I confronted her on her infidelity), the initial response I got from her in an email was "I don't accept it. So I'm ignoring it". I guess I caught her off guard with that and she hadn't had someone in the wings. I know it won't come from her, that I have to find it myself... . and I'm working on that now.

[Calm Waters]

I was dumped by text after 3months living together, the words are etched on my brain - 'please let me go, your life is not for me, I need peace and calm. Thank you for the flowers'. this after she tried to commit suicide 2 months before, put me and her family through hell as she was in a coma for 4 days and i nursed her back to health, she couldn't say it to my face, still better than nothing i suppose!

[pinkparchment]

No. No closure here. We said goodbye several times in a way that could have been considered closure, but the last time-she just disappeared. I don't expect that I will ever hear from her again, and I have to find closure on my own. It's not easy, but I emphasize to myself that I cannot change another person, that I am a good person and did the best I could in the circumstances, and that her interpretation of what happened between us is valid to her but that doesn't make it true. It's very hard for me to separate her opinion of me from my own objective opinion of myself. If she wants nothing to do with me, it must be because I am a terrible person and unworthy of love. I try actively to combat that message to myself, but some days I'm not so successful. Good luck and I am hoping and praying for your closure. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

No. No closure here. We said goodbye several times in a way that could have been considered closure, but the last time-she just disappeared. I don't expect that I will ever hear from her again, and I have to find closure on my own. It's not easy, but I emphasize to myself that I cannot change another person, that I am a good person and did the best I could in the circumstances, and that her interpretation of what happened between us is valid to her but that doesn't make it true. It's very hard for me to separate her opinion of me from my own objective opinion of myself. If she wants nothing to do with me, it must be because I am a terrible person and unworthy of love. I try actively to combat that message to myself, but some days I'm not so successful. Good luck and I am hoping and praying for your closure. 

Exactly! We are NOT the person in the pwBPDs mind! Love in these instances is not enough, in fact, it's the very thing that drives us apart.  My "thing" was always 'everyone deserves love and compassion', it kept me going far too long and while this is true, I'm not that person in this former rs.   So so sad, but oh so true!

I will love the XgfwBpd til I die, illness or not, she is an awesome person as long as you are not too close.  I was too close... .

CiF

[myself]

Mine said goodbye so she wouldn't have to be accountable for hurting me and causing too much chaos in our r/s. Even the way she said goodbye was meant to wound me. I said goodbye to stop being hurt, clear my head, and make better decisions in the future. That's about as much closure as I'll get with her. She left so she wouldn't have to face me or herself. She knows what she did, just won't admit it. It would be a miracle if she ever came back to apologize or help with healthy closure. A miracle I would doubt.

[Clearmind]

You cannot save another being by doing everything for them. We also can't do everything for them then blame them for it later - it was our choice.

Closure comes by accepting our ex's are not well and working on you so we don't attract ourselves to a Borderline. Closure is understanding you.

[thisyoungdad]

Good topic. I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. It has been almost 18 months since my ex wife left me so abruptly in the midst of planning our wedding reception (we eloped 10 months earlier) and took our daughter with her and disappeared (they came back and I share 50/50 custody now) and I have felt confused, hurt, lost and so many things. I certainly don't feel like I have gotten the closure I want and need. I am slowly creating that for myself though.

Looking back though I think in her mind she gave me closure. We had sold "our" house, the house we lived in together that she bought with her first ex a month before leaving that person. They literally had moved in one month prior. 5 years later she left in late August and now it was late November and we sold the house. We had been wanting to for a long time. The last night in the house I was finishing up packing and stuff because all three of us were sick. She came and we did one final walk through of the empty house, shared memories and said goodbye to the house. We held each other, cried, and it was really intimate. She was still giving the impression in therapy she wanted to work on things and had just 2 days before said she wanted to live together again. The next week she wanted a divorce and that was that, and here we are divorced. So to me it was devastating and certainly not closure. To her though I wonder if that was her goodbye to me, but not a true goodbye to me the way healthier people do it. So I think if that is true I won't get anything else, ever. And I believe she is still hanging on to me a little bit, and that to give me the closure i need is too much and reveals her vulnerabilities and faults in everything. Too painful for her and instead of saving "face" she would lose it since her to best friends are also very, very likely dealing with the same issues. So I am slowly having to accept it and 18 months later is sucks, but just less and less.

[Dutched]

No, no closure either.

All was over in a blink of an eye. A few months later she was reading her “arguments” from a note she prepared. A 18 yr. old teenager was reading…  just average cliché’s.

And a specific BPD cliché: “You are not the guy I felt in love with anymore when I was 18”.

Saying goodbye?  When I reached her my hand as goodbye she refused to answer that twice! So no goodbye.

In my case she even avoided the word “divorce”. Never told me she wanted it, just “I temporarily leave you for my rest”.  Temporarily…   

At all costs a goodbye is avoided ( at least in my case it was).

I think a goodbye is to definitive, it means one have to close a book. She never closes that book, as closing would cause her more pain she can handle, so the book remains open…  for later? 

Leaving “temporarily”…   

We have to find our own closure which took me several years even knowing about BPD a few years before the end and trying to anticipate emotionally. 

[barbwire911]

Well I was weak today and called my exBPDbf after 10 days NC (I was doing so well!) and he answered the phone (this is the first break in silent treatment since 5 weeks ago almost) and I just asked him if I could have a chance to just say my feelings to him.  No blame or fighting; I even offered for him to just sit there and listen while I spoke but I just wanted my feelings hard for once and I said as much as all I have done for you I feel I deserve that closure.  So his reply was (in a nasty tone) he would rather not and I could send an email with my feelings.  I reiterated I deserved to be listened to.  Again he got mad (not rage but I could see agitated) and told me to let him think about it and he had to go and sarcastically he said "I am hanging up the phone so have a good weekend." 

So I cried for 5 minutes but then was like "what did I expect?"

I feel better now definitely and it just reaffirms to me why he is a jerk.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, barbwire.     It's agony to have someone you care about be so cruel to you.  To refuse to give you any closure.  It's a rotten thing to do, disorder or no disorder.

Do you think that talking to him was able to give you any closure?

[barbwire911]

well it is a typical response of him to keep me hanging like that but at least I am not as affected as I was a few weeks ago when I was a crying mess. I think the ten days NC made me stronger for sure and I am less attached now as before I would have been crying insanely.  And I saw that nothing has changed. I mean when I think back to the few things he could be grudging about, again, I am being blamed for some things I had nothing to do with. I got alot of stuff projected onto me... . rage, amongst others.

[cosmonaut]

That's awesome that you are coping much better with his behavior!  I'm glad to hear it.  Detaching is hard work.  I know.  I'm going through the same thing.  It's great that you are doing well on not letting him get under your skin again.  He has a very serious disorder.  We have to just keep reminding ourselves of that and trying not to take things too personally (very hard I know).  Everyone here keeps saying that in time we will create our own closure inside ourselves.  That's when we will finally be free of our exes.   

[123Phoebe]

I have been NC for 9 days now after emailing a final email saying "well this silence is ridiculous and just stay out of my life forever now once and for good and do not come back again as you have done in the past as I am not here for you."

Sounds like you closed the door pretty hard here and gave yourself closure while making no bones about where you stand.

Which leaves me wondering why you're surprised he didn't answer in this way... .

"well I have known this person for a year now and I am not perfect and make mistakes as they do so I at least owe it to them to say where I stand and my feelings on this issue and so forth."

If someone were to tell me to stay out of their lives forever and to not come back, that they are not there for me-- the last thing I would think is that I owe them to say where I stand on my feelings by reaching out.

Can you find a way to feel comfortable with the closure you gave yourself?

[barbwire911]

Hey 123Phoebe:

Well there were other things in the email where I told him to stay out of my life like how I was hurt about the replacement, lies, cheating, being used, etc. So, personally, for me, if I read that letter and was on the receiving end, it would elicit some empathy for the other person and I would at least apologize for my part or validate those feelings.  But I guess it is not to be.

I guess I have always put this person's needs and feelings before mine. He was in a very rough state and I was always there for him. Now fine I know I made that choice but when I see someone or something in distress I always reach out to help so that is just my nature.  But I feel in his head the least he could say is "yeah she did alot for me and I at least owe closure to her."  He has admitted before he knows he is ill and hurts people and wants to get better yet he keeps reverting.  I am learning BPD is nothing personal and despite breaking NC I am feeling better.

And if he never gives me any closure further to yesterdays request well so be it.  Speaks more about who he is as a person than me I suppose.

I guess I just always try to see things from someone else's point of view and see where they are coming from and if I got that email I sent him I would try to see where this person was coming from.

[bpdspell]

I never got closure from my ex. Never got a "sorry", I never got the pat on the back, the secret love note, or an amicable handshake.

But I'm soon to be three years out. Looking back I thought I wanted "closure" but that's not what I desired. I wanted my ex to give me the feeling that I mattered and meant something to him. I wanted to know that I wasn't just another notch on his belt…that I wasn't just another conquest or another object used to fulfill his needs.

I posted this cause in time our idea of closure will evolve. In the beginning many of us are hungry for anything our ex's can give us that will indicate our specialness. Many of us want that stamp of approval from them that validates the idea that we're "good enough" that we are more than "nothing" when in reality our ex's don't have that power. As much as we want them to it isn't their job to validate who we are. They cannot "give" you peace only you can give that to yourself.

I'm sorry but mentally ill person cannot validate you. They can't even validate themselves let alone anyone else. If they could validate themselves they wouldn't be so sick, toxic, and destructive. There is a faulty logic in wanting someone who hates themselves, doesn't love themselves and treat themselves like ___ to validate you. I loved my ex but he was one of the most insecure men I've ever met in my life. How could this insecure man validate me? On most days he worked double time to cover the black hole that ate away at his soul through weed, sex, anger rages and projection. So all of a sudden he's gonna become emotionally healthy and give me "proper" walking papers? All of a sudden he's gonna validate my goodness? I think not.

You won't get a "clean" breakup with a borderline because the are living with an illness that renders them emotionally unstable. Their minds are betraying them constantly. They are in no state to give you healthy closure.

So this is what I've "evolved" to. My closure is accepting the fullness of my ex's BPD and narcissism. My closure is loving, respecting and valuing myself enough to not accept my borderline ex's BS version of love. My closure is accepting that a person who's sick in the head and heart has no idea about the worth of others. Borderlines are not Gods. They don't have magic powers of grace, healing, or redemption. They are very complex, flawed, and damaged characters.

Spell

[lost tree]

I was just curious as to why when we email or ask to discuss issues and get no reply, we then further communicate that obviously the  person with BPD does not wish to talk (for whatever reason) and obviously the relationship was over. Still silence. So we ask for closure and send an email and again still no response. Why can those with this disorder not offer any closure nor why do they not just respond to emails about disagreements?

I mean some of these disagreements are so trivial... . and I even try apologizing for my part in things (it seems my exwBPD always focused on "all the mean things I said" yet his stuff somehow was always justified in being said... . ) and still get no response.  I have been NC for 9 days now after emailing a final email saying "well this silence is ridiculous and just stay out of my life forever now once and for good and do not come back again as you have done in the past as I am not here for you."

if someone sent me that I would say "well I have known this person for a year now and I am not perfect and make mistakes as they do so I at least owe it to them to say where I stand and my feelings on this issue and so forth."

Is it a concscious thing they do where they see us reaching out for closure or trying to communicate and they just silent treat us to make us squirm?  Has anyone actually ever gotten a response to a request for closure in a timely and respectable manner from their person with BPD whether it be a relationship or friendship they were in?

Mine loves silent treatment yet he always agreed communication was huge and when he did something wrong even if I was mad I always did not want him feeling he did not know where he stood so always told him where I stood. Whether it be I needed space, etc.  I must be painted black as black when mine paints as he does silence for a few months... .

But 9 days NC and I am feeling good although i still have ups and downs and crying moments and missing moments and would just love to know what i did that made him go like this... . I mean it could be any number of things in our last argument but it has been almost 3 weeks now and not a peep. Yes there is a replacement too so I get that is part of it and I caught him and phoned him to confront and he immediately changed being normal to lashing out and hanging up the phone. My 2 nice emails and the last one 9 days ago unanswered completely... .

Hi Barbwire911,

You mean no closure like this?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222685.0

[123Phoebe]

I guess I just always try to see things from someone else's point of view and see where they are coming from and if I got that email I sent him I would try to see where this person was coming from.

He's not you, barbwire.  

From the tone of your email, it seems as though you made it crystal clear just exactly where you're coming from;  how you are hurt about the replacement, lies, cheating, being used, etc... .  Now STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER!

We have to be careful of how and what we say; if we don't really mean it, don't say it type of thing.

If you stand behind your words, closure from him needn't be necessary; you've given yourself all the closure that you could possibly need.

I get the sense that you don't really want this to be over.  Is that the case or am I totally out in left field?

[barbwire911]

@losttree:  See do you even have any inkling about why they are silent for 5 weeks?  I have no idea what is up with mine... . and yesterday I did call him and he finally answered and I asked for just a meeting to get closure and he said "he would rather not but would think about it and let me know." Yeah right.  The only thing I can really think of is 5 weeks ago I got word he was hooking up with someone behind my back.  I called him and was calm (I had read alot about BPD so kind of suspected it and he had cheated on his other ex multiple times... . even with her cousin... . ) and just asked him about it.  Honestly.

And he suddenly got angry and defensive and stated "I am ceasing communication and hanging up now and you were never anything to me at all." Click.  So that is the only thing I can think of that upset him yet funnily enough I was calm as I knew I wanted out of this craziness anyways and I was the one that had originally asked for space 2 days prior while he was saying he loved me and missed me and wanted to meet for lunch the following day. I declined.  So I do not want him back in the least.  I guess I am just use to closure in any other relationship so this is out of whack for me. Given we were friends too before getting together, I feel I lost a partner and a friend.  I am more upset about losing the friend part as this guy was too angry and moody to be with in any serious relationship.  I miss the good parts of him but as time went on they became much less and less I found so my memory now is really just alot about how angry he was.

[barbwire911]

@123Phoebe:  No I am glad it is done to be honest.  as i mentioned to losttree above I miss him more as a friend that a partner.  For me, I guess I know i did so much for him (it is crazy how much I did and even he admitted that I was a very giving and empathetic person and he had never had anyone help him and be there for him so much).  So all I feel i deserved back was one request for an explanation about why he remains angry about the end.  I was actually the one that asked for space originally as of the moodiness, rages, etc. And then we talked on the phone a few days later and he was saying he loved me and missed me and asked me to lunch which I declined.  Then the next day he rages again (likely all because I asked about this replacement).  So I was like "huh?  he says he loves me and is begging to take me to lunch but how can he then be lining up another woman?"

Now i get BPD is a disorder.  I guess it would just be nice for him to do ONE thing for me in this whole time we have known each other given all the help I gave him in his tough times and that would be just that chance of closure.  I have had it in my other relationships and I am friends with my other ex's (not close but we left on amicable terms, etc.) which to me seems mature and normal.  But I guess it it true that my exwBPD does not envision the relationship as I did.

[lost tree]

@losttree:  See do you even have any inkling about why they are silent for 5 weeks?  I have no idea what is up with mine... . and yesterday I did call him and he finally answered and I asked for just a meeting to get closure and he said "he would rather not but would think about it and let me know." Yeah right.  The only thing I can really think of is 5 weeks ago I got word he was hooking up with someone behind my back.  I called him and was calm (I had read alot about BPD so kind of suspected it and he had cheated on his other ex multiple times... . even with her cousin... . ) and just asked him about it.  Honestly.

And he suddenly got angry and defensive and stated "I am ceasing communication and hanging up now and you were never anything to me at all." Click.  So that is the only thing I can think of that upset him yet funnily enough I was calm as I knew I wanted out of this craziness anyways and I was the one that had originally asked for space 2 days prior while he was saying he loved me and missed me and wanted to meet for lunch the following day. I declined.  So I do not want him back in the least.  I guess I am just use to closure in any other relationship so this is out of whack for me. Given we were friends too before getting together, I feel I lost a partner and a friend.  I am more upset about losing the friend part as this guy was too angry and moody to be with in any serious relationship.  I miss the good parts of him but as time went on they became much less and less I found so my memory now is really just alot about how angry he was.

Hi Barbwire,

I have absolutely no inkling whatsoever. I kind of expected no response from gf, I did however expect a response from her parents and especially her mom 5 weeks ago, I expected her mom to call me seconds after I sent the letters. I have since texted, called and emailed again…... NOTHING. Never heard from any of them again…I just put every single thing they gave me in a box neatly bubble wrapped and shipped it back today via UPS.

[Noise]

My ex lied to me for 4 months to get her new partner set up. When I was gone I wanted answers. The only thing she said was: I slept with him the day after we broke up (and then still lived togetger for 4 months while I was taking care of the kids and she secretly seeing him).

The only thing she was sorry for was that she lied. That was "not nice". The rest she swept under the rug and was really convinced she did nothing wrong. Within a month the new guy moved in and last week she called me she is pregnant. So no closure for me because she got away with it. My ex is a waif/hermit and never could talk about her issues. A very closed off person. So I know she will never give me any answers, she can't even be honest to herself! So I am trying to let this go and make sure I know in my heart I was honest and best of intentions. Although I have a hard time trusting people now and she is already settled and has everything in order.

Well on paper...

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry but mentally ill person cannot validate you. They can't even validate themselves let alone anyone else. If they could validate themselves they wouldn't be so sick, toxic, and destructive. There is a faulty logic in wanting someone who hates themselves, doesn't love themselves and treat themselves like ___ to validate you. I loved my ex but he was one of the most insecure men I've ever met in my life. How could this insecure man validate me? On most days he worked double time to cover the black hole that ate away at his soul through weed, sex, anger rages and projection. So all of a sudden he's gonna become emotionally healthy and give me "proper" walking papers? All of a sudden he's gonna validate my goodness? I think not.

This is perfect. Anyone who has or has ever had any kind of r/s, romantic or otherwise, with a pwPD (or any similar illness) needs to print that out and keep it on-hand always.

My exBPDbf of 2 years broke up with me through text. On my birthday. Not because of a fight or anything -- he just decided he needed time to himself. When I expressed bewilderment, he got wound up and blasted, "Are you f###ing confused?" Well... . yeah, I am, actually. I'm lucky I got as much "closure" from him as I did.   

I know my ex hates himself and feels empty inside most times. He's not where I'm looking for a healthy self-image. I love the hell out of him and always will, and I would give our r/s another try in a heartbeat, but I would never hold my breath expecting him to be able to validate me or anyone else.

[restoredsight]

See do you even have any inkling about why they are silent for 5 weeks? 

Do you think about the meal you had five weeks ago? How about a type of food that you ate all the time until you got bored with it? When you're hungry, don't you run through an internal list of foods you might like, and depending on the mood you're in you may pick that food or something else, something that may be more convenient?

Here's the problem, and it's been my problem for a very long time. We don't think like they do.

We are objects to them. We cease to exist unless they need something from us. They don't have object constancy, we left the room, we aren't coming back. They don't even have stable personalities, they aren't even the same person anymore, they are probably busy being someone else. They likely have what they need for the moment, which is a living person to play out their childhood trauma with. They are in fantasyland, inventing all of these wonderful futures that will never come to pass.

You don't get closure from BPD. You get wiped off the table, or they come back for seconds or thirds or fifths... .

If you want a feeling of closure, maybe write a eulogy for them. Describe all of the finer points of what you shared. Then, read it back and see how many of those finer points were things that you valued and that they really don't. Look and see how much of what you saw were pieces of yourself. Try and see that they are people that do what they can for personal survival with the poor tools that they have, and that you can love yourself much better than they ever could.

[Sunny Side]

We are objects to them. We cease to exist unless they need something from us. They don't have object constancy, we left the room, we aren't coming back. They don't even have stable personalities, they aren't even the same person anymore, they are probably busy being someone else. They likely have what they need for the moment, which is a living person to play out their childhood trauma with. They are in fantasyland, inventing all of these wonderful futures that will never come to pass.

You don't get closure from BPD. You get wiped off the table, or they come back for seconds or thirds or fifths... .

If you want a feeling of closure, maybe write a eulogy for them. Describe all of the finer points of what you shared. Then, read it back and see how many of those finer points were things that you valued and that they really don't. Look and see how much of what you saw were pieces of yourself.  Try and see that they are people that do what they can for personal survival with the poor tools that they have, and that you can love yourself much better than they ever could.

[/quote]
What a great description, chad!  Just a few weeks into NC I think of my r/s with her as that beautiful song that was promised but never sung.  In many ways for me this is the most enlightening and confounding part of detachment.

[Narellan]

I believe it pains them terribly to say goodbye, or more to the point to be told its over. Tomorro it will be 3 weeks no contact for me, i think he wants to make contact but is afraid he will be rejected. A couple of days ago he posted 3 photos of us kissing and cuddling on FB with a hearttugging message for all to see, but i didnt respond and he has left it at that for now. The silent treatment does my head in, and his status posts on fb mess with my head. About 5 days ago he posted "opportunities are like sunsets. If you wait too long you miss them"

So of course i analyse that for several hours, reading all sorts of scenarios into it, when he may just be playing mind games. And yes, why dont i just delete him? Its ridiculous isnt it? Part of me doesnt trust what hes going to post next on fb so i need to keep an eye on him for a bit longer. And im undecided still about what i want. I dont want to anger him by deleting him.

Have split with him a few times now. Always the same, he changes in an instant, silent treatment until something changes for him and he begins to see me in a positive way again and approaches me again. The first couple of times i was so dumbfounded i sent many texts, and fb messages not understanding what was happening.Never got a reply. But i hadnt needed closure, i just wanted to set things right again and get him back. Now ive been there done that, i havent approached in any way. My advice is reaching out in any way during silent treatment drives them further away and sets you back weeks again. Plus the longer the silent treatment the better you start to feel about yourself, and not so emotionally fragile.

[bpdspell]

Here's the problem, and it's been my problem for a very long time. We don't think like they do.

We are objects to them. We cease to exist unless they need something from us. They don't have object constancy, we left the room, we aren't coming back. They don't even have stable personalities, they aren't even the same person anymore, they are probably busy being someone else. They likely have what they need for the moment, which is a living person to play out their childhood trauma with. They are in fantasyland, inventing all of these wonderful futures that will never come to pass.

You don't get closure from BPD. You get wiped off the table, or they come back for seconds or thirds or fifths... .

... . you can love yourself much better than they ever could.

Beautifully written and on point. BPD is mind sickness; a real mental illness and very difficult for nons to accept. I refused to accept this truth for a long time. The refusal only prolongs your healing. I wanted so bad for my ex to be the answer to my unhappiness. I created so many lanes for him to save our relationship. It failed everytime.

They aren't acting strange to hurt and destroy others. They're sick in the head. The aren't dealing with a full deck and there's nothing within our power that can fix that. We cannot make them recognize our value and our love cannot change what has already been hardwired into their character. It's a bitter pill to swallow but it is pure fantasy to expect a mentally ill person to rescue you from yourself. It will never happen.

Spell