She is good at making me feel liek crap.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am sorry to learn about your pain.  “selfish” is a typical BPD term. My ex used this as well, without elaborating what she means and to provide examples.  I suggest that you ask her exactly what she means and then try to address the point where she believe you are selfish. This is probably what I should have done. 

Stay Positive !

[StayPositive]

I am sorry to learn about your pain.  “selfish” is a typical BPD term. My ex used this as well, without elaborating what she means and to provide examples.  I suggest that you ask her exactly what she means and then try to address the point where she believe you are selfish. This is probably what I should have done. 

Stay Positive !

[KJB1956]

This really helped me too... . It made me realize I had been, and to a certain extent was still afraid if I upset my partner that I would be on the receiving end of the silent treatment, which I find very painful - often for up to three weeks.  Do you think that's true for a lot of people?  We're afraid of the emotional pain of rejection?

Maybe looking into your fears and assessing if they are as bad as they seem could help get past them.

What are really afraid of with her getting upset?

I like this.  I went through this process with my husband.  At some point... . I didn't think that things could get any worse... . and I had to face my greatest fears... . would he divorce me?  Would he try to hurt me?  Would he try to kick me out of my home?  I got good information on what my rights were in case any of these things happened... . and took a deep breath and started looking fear in the face.

I am not going to lie... . it was SCARY!  All the doubts... . All the insecurities.  But I started small and I learned to face them... . and it felt like I was coming out of a fog.

It was a good process.  I hoped that I would get my husband back (the non-crazy guy I knew 10 yrs ago)... . but I at least found myself 

[Cipher13]

Finding myself is the key to all my anguish. Thats been the struggle for a number of years. I felt I had to do everythign to prevent the melt down. every little mistake was taken to th extreme. She wants me to not talk to anyone at work. So how do I talk about my day... . I can't.  I actually have friends at work and that would make her angry. Thats why she doesn't wan tme to talk to anyone. At one time she wanted me to show her all the emails I have with co-workers. That never happened but she did request it of me.

[Wrongturn1]

She wants to get one to. I taught her a couple things last night. I want to contiue to play yet a small part of me feels its still not my time. Maybe I am over looking at it. Do need to shake it up if its not really a problem. I am just concerned that this to becomes soemthign we do together only. But I will remain as happy as I can learnign how to play my new guitar. 

Cipher: Now is your time.  Stay focused and keep playing - it can become a channel for you to express and vent your emotions.  Also, the more skill you build, the more fun it will become. 

Feel free to teach your wife stuff as long as she is interested.  As long as you are committed to continuing to play the guitar, it will not become something you do together with her only.  She will not have the persistence that it takes to dedicate herself to learning the instrument that you will have.  She will likely get bored with it soon and you can progress on your own.

Also, your wife's behavior surrounding the female laughter was crappy.  And it's completely unreasonable of her to go checking up on you if she does not hear from you for 90 minutes.  Moreover, even if she did not hear female laughter in the background, she would have manufactured something else to blow up about.  Remember that you're not God and you cannot control her emotions or prevent her from blowing up - there's no use trying. 

[GreenMango]

... . And we are back to teh crap feeling again. I had a meeting to go over quartely update. They usually go about 30 mins. I forgpt about it as it wasn't on my computer's calender. So I left my desk and walked down with all the other employees. Its took an hour so i get back to my desk and there are 2 missed calls and 2 text messages and 2 emails sayifn where the f are you.

 

Extinction Burst

I call her thinking maybe somehtign is up.  The office area is an open office with several cubicals so you can hear others converstions if they are loud or laughing. She hears co-workers laughing several feet away across the room over my phone and because they were female she it the roof. How come I here chicks.

Intermittent Reinforcement

I explained its an open office and they are on the other side of the room I can't control other peoples voices for them. She says I thought i said you couldn't talk to anypne at work. I said I wasn't talking to them they are across ther room talking to other poeple. Several exlative later and soem even more explative texts I am now awaiting for a nightmare evening when she gets home.  Oh the fun that is my life

JADE-ing.



Cipher she got you on the back foot trying to explain.  It's happened to most of before.  Cipher your wife is particularly paranoid and insecure.  She struggles immensely with this and unfortunately enabling her really does her (and yourself) a disservice.  She really doesn't have to stretch or try emotionally for much of anything because you've been solving it for her.  This is going to take some time to change ... . it aint going to happen overnight.  It can happen little bits at a time, but it's going to take resolve on your end.   Things will stay the same if nothing changes.

Remember when you were talking to her about not having time at work to talk and to wait until lunch etc?  This stuff happens because of the reinforcement etc.  You gotta wean yourself off of doing this because as you wean yourself off of doing it and you end up weaning her off too.

PS Great news about the guitar.  You deserve it!