https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219221.msg12388963#msg12388963I guess my situations leads off from my last post (link above)
Me and my diagnosed borderline personality disorder ex boyfriend( also diagnosed with Asperger Symdrome & depression) broke up a few weeks ago, he said he cares about me and our daughter so much but he feels he cant be the boyfriend to me that i deserve and he doesn't think its healthy for me or for anyone to be in a relationship with him because of the way he is, he said he cant change who he is because he says it would make him worse. He just wants us both to be happy.
He didn't want to end it because he’s been afraid of hurting me, our daughter and himself and has been dreading to say the words but i did say “don’t beat the bush around it” as it has been brewing for quite sometime. He said he feels so guilty dragging me to live all the way up where i live now because i have no friends or family. He feels when we are together he’s hurting me and our daughter, including himself. He used the cliché that “its not you, its me” and that he loves me so much but just as a friend. He said he’s been waiting for this to change, he said he’s been losing the way he should be loving me but does love me soo much and can’t explain it.
He said he couldn't keep living a lie anymore and had to be truthful with me and he didn't want to mess me around anymore and all this has been troubling him for quite sometime. He also said sometimes he’s love for me fluctuates up and down like a sea-saw, sometimes he sees us one day getting married and living together, sometimes he thinks were just not compatible. Maybe this is a subtle way for a borderline to break up with you after reading many stories but i still cant help but feel confused and hurt by it all. We talked the next day after our heads had some sleep and we agreed to a six month trial separation because that's when my tendency is up, if we don’t get back together, i’ll move back to my hometown. The thing is though i know i’m going so the wrong way about this, i only say that to scare him, i wouldn't really, i love my flat to much.
Everyday is torture. What did he have to rip my heart out, stab it with a knife and leave it bleeding on the floor, after everything i’ve done for him. not a single bone in his body feels anything for me. I can’t stand to look at him or be in his company at the moment but have no choice i have to still civil for our daughters sake, i don’t want no contact with him what so ever. He will never love, hold, kiss me like he used to. I’m only the mother to his child, thats all i am to him. i love him soo much, i just want us to work, he’s to perfect for me, i put him on a pedestal and i’m trying to live my life for myself and all that but its just so hard.
Everyday i just await that text when he’ll say “can we talk” or something and he’ll tell me he’s been stupid and he wants us to work. Pfft wishful thinking. The last six months we’ve tried to make it work was a lie, the sex we had, he didn’t really want to kiss or hug me when he rarely did anyway. Everyday i have flashbacks on how we met, our first date, all the good times we had together, i’d do anything to go back, he used to beg me to come to his and now i’m living up here i’m left high and dry. i could go on about how crap i feel and how much i love him/want him back etc... but i wont bore you as i have already.
He doesn’t text me for 2/3 days then out of the blue his like “hey, how you been?” but it wont be once, he’ll do it all day until he has an answer because he worries about me and our daughter because of my breakdowns in the past. Then he wont text me for another three days then contact me to see his daughter which i never say no to. He just sees her once a week for a few hours thats all he can handle apparently. I think he regrets me moving up here, he always regrets things after its actually happened. Is this kind of hovering? He thinks i’m ignoring him at the moment because i don’t like talking to him. i really DO want to talk to him but my plan for the next six months is to make him see what he’s missing, i never contact him unless its about our daughter i/e to have her while i go to my doctors appointment but even then i feel like i'm taking two steps back, wish i didn't have to contact him at all.
I keep reading sad stories on here about what people are/been through and sometimes it just doesn't sound like him at all, he hasn't got a "replacement", he's never ever raged, he doesn't really create drama in the sense of making a scene and threaten his gonna hurt himself, he's never cheated and know he never would because of what his ex did, i don't know if its the Aspergers more so sometimes because of his obsessions and rountines but says his been diagnosed with "BPD" aswell.
I'm so confused and depressed right now, a part of me wants to move back home but i love my flat to much but i'm still giving him the ammunition still living here then again i don't think he'd be to bothered if i did. :'( :'( :'( :'(
Also where should i go from here?, a part of me wants to say "you are welcome to see our daughter anytime but you'll have to come and collect her and take her out or take her back to yours, i can't keep being in your company as this all hurts so much" Or do i just leave it, go with the flow, see how it goes. I love being in his company and yes it does hurt so bad but i think its more i'm waiting for that moment like how we got back together last time he's going to kiss me and then yeah thats another story ! I'm just waiting, especting something everytime but obviously it never comes. Sorry if i've repeated myself or it don't make sense my heads just blehhhh! at the moment, i'm so fed up and trapped.
